A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to turn. My husband and I have been together for 9 years, and we have 3 kids(one is my teenage daughter from a previous relationship). We have a comfortable lifestyle and a nice home. We both have good jobs we enjoy, and I am so in love with my husband. The problem is,for quite some time, my husband tells me he is not in love with me. He says he's not sure why exactly, that there is no ONE actual reason, just that he does not feel there is much of a connection between us. He told me he just doesn't feel I'm the right woman for him. He gets angry often and loses his temper frequently over little things. He is very critical about my appearance, and he makes hurtful comments often about my size,even though my weight is still the same as when we met. I try to make him happy, I know I'm not perfect,but I do my best. I work hard,take care of the house and all of the laundry and cooking by myself. Our children are well cared for and I take on most of the household financial responsibilities alone, too. I thought at first there was another woman, but he promises that is not the case, and I believe him. He's not always a nice guy, but he really isn't one to lie. When He says he doesn't love me it's usually during a fight,and then later he usually apologizes and says he didn't mean it, he says he gets stupid and "crazy" when he gets mad. After so long, I just don't know if I can take it anymore.Every time he gets even a little frustrated with me, the first word out of his mouth is "divorce". At first I would cry and beg him not to leave me, but my resolve to save this marriage is wearing thin, and so recently I told him I give up. I said I would talk to a lawyer and figure out the best way to handle things. At first he said fine,but then he got nasty and said if I was going to leave him then he wanted custody of our children! Like the whole thing was my idea! Later he said he doesn't want our kids to grow up without both of their parents, and that he is "willing to stay together for them." No matter what I do, I can't win. Why is he doing this? Does he really want a divorce, or does he just want me to think he does? And why? I've been the best wife and mother I know how to be,and the fact that it's not enough for him is hurtful and degrading.I have built a life and a family with him, and I have loved him so long, I am not sure I know how to stop loving him. Please help me...
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male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (23 June 2010):
Call his bluff. This guy is emotionally abusing you. He is getting off on making you sad and anxious -- that he has the power to inflict this pyscho abuse on someone. It's a form of entertainment for him. Tell him (convincingly and with strength, but not emotion/anger) that he can pack his bags; and who want him? Tell him he should be kissing your a** because no one else would put up with his sh*t. Practice some lines. I guarantee that he'll be surprised. I would also have him take care of the kids on a few Saturday nights while go out with the girls to a bar (...or just go to a movie and tell him you went to a bar... or both). Come home late, giggling. It will will really tick him off, and put him in his place. Give him a taste of his own medicine. He is a coward. I guarantee he will change his tune!! However, don;t do anything silly like drink too much and go home with another guy (... you're vulnerable and a lot of women end up doing stupid things in bar after a couple of cosmos, trust me.) Good luck.
A
female
reader, smiley_1  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Hello,
Firstly you seem like a very caring person, and you try your best to make your marriage work.
Your husband seems controlling. If its not his way then he throws the "I don't love you" in your face to hurt you. Also by him stating he wants custody of your children is another sign of control.
Have you suggested counselling to him? If you have and he won't go please think seriously about this relationship. It takes 2 people to make it work. From what you've mentioned you're the only one trying.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 I have seen this drama played out time after time and the wife ALWAYS gets hurt. I know there's kids involved and that's the really bad part but I think a divorce lawyer should be talked too. You have to think of you anf=d the kids above all else. It may just be too late to save this marriage(only you can judge that) but just in case you need to protect you and the kids. Best of luck
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