A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married 24 years. About 12 years ago we started to grow apart. Intimacy became less and less. My husband's attitude towards me was that of disdain. There were in-law problems (they don't like me, I wasn't their choice). This became problematic as I felt my husband abandoned me and refused to acknowledge how they treated me and our children. Four yrs ago, my husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker, he claims it was never physical. We went to therapy,however, that only provided us with tools to improve communication skills with each other. To date, I only know my husband has admitted he does not find me sexually attracted not because of beauty, shape, or size, he simply is no longer "into" me. He does not want a divorce, refuses to attend anymore therapy, claims side effects from medications, does not have a medical history that indicates ED. Psychologically, he does not desire me. Furthermore, he becomes tense or irritated when I attempt to discuss the lack of intimacy. On average we have had sex 6 times in the last 5 years. So, my question is rhetorical as I know what is right according to our marriage vows, however, from a religious perspective spouses have an obligation of intimacy. I digress, I am very close to having an affair. Do I tell him or simply be respectful and discrete?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): ditch the selfish sod then start the rest of your life. do the right thing, thus far you have been faithful even though your hb has not. so this man claims to not be into you, well he had his chance, you invested 24 years with him, now start to live your life and find love and happiness. divorce the hb and move on. after 24 years you deserve some happiness ( not to mention earth shattering sex)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2010): Dear Old lady,
Cheating is useless at this age. you loose every thing in life and do not gain any thing.
Not sure, what treatment at this old age, you will get from any other man and how much care he will do for you after you leave all come to new man.
Also you may be used and thrown.
Imagine a situation - tomorrow you get diagnosed with a cancer, it will be your DH who will worry about it and taek care of it.
No other man will worry about it even if they may claim to get access to you and use you.
Also after such long marriage, boredum is more or less expected. It is OK. Do not take it as seriously as you seem to be taking it.
Also your DH is also now not a 20 year old guy, who will worry only about sex and and do it daily or 5 times day.
My feeling is decreased frequency is normal and since you take it as a problem he need to give you some answer so he says he is not in to you etc etc.
Suggestion is
Do not raise this topic for next 3-4 months. Love him from ur side, do not stress him with family issues ( which are part of all families ), you will find him become normal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2010):
 What do YOU want?
Having an affair will effectively destroy whatever you guys have left in the marriage. Is that your way of trying to goad him into divorcing you? Cheating is stupid. The only one you ever really cheat is yourself. However everyone around will get hurt.
You are still not over your husband cheating on you. I don't really care if it was sexual or emotional - cheating is cheating.
I can understand you feeling neglected. 5 times in 6 years is pretty sad :(
Maybe you need to consider that divorcing and being on your own isn't so bad? He might not want a divorce, but this isn't just about him. It's your life too.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (22 March 2010):
 You're still young,live your life and do what makes YOU happy.He doesnt want a divorce cause that would bring his world upside down.You deserve to be swept off your feet.Contact a good divorce laywer and do not have an affair.Treat yourself to a spa,go get your nails done and feel good about yourself.After all,he had his chance to work things out.Time's up!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 I agree...the marriage is over. Give yourself time alone to find out who you are before embarking on another relationship too soon.
Good luck xxx
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A
female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (22 March 2010):
 if he could hide an affair from you then why should you be honest although it is not going to sort out your situation and you need to think about your children.if you are both not happy in the relationship then maybe you should file for divorce as its not going to benefit you your husband or your children if you are not happy.if he is not prepared to work at the marriage then why should you stay in it?does he not want a divorce because half of everything will go to you and hel have to start his life over in a new home or does he want to stay together for the childrens sake.i really think you should sit down and discuss where he intends to go in this relationship if anywhere
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (22 March 2010):
No affairs. That will only complicate things. If he won't work on it, then you need to divorce him and move on. But don't have an affair. You'll be the one who ends up looking bad. And you never know, he might be wanting you to have an affair to gain the upper hand. If it can't be worked out, then forget it and divorce him.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 If your marriage cannot be salvage, there is no more reason to stay in it.
You should set him free and both of you will find your own happiness.
There are pro's and con's in telling him of your affairs.
He could realize that he is losing you and may push him into actions to save his marriage.
Or he could close an eye as long as you are discreet.
Or he could give you a divorce .
Where is your marriage heading will depend on your actions?
Which direction will you choose?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (22 March 2010):
 What on earth would you gain by telling him you intend to be unfaithful? If you want to be open about being with someone else, then initiate divorce proceedings, and wait until you have the *decree absolute* before you get intimate with someone else. Do you really think that aunts here are going to advocate cheating?
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