A
female
age
41-50,
*osieLPosie
writes:I found out my husband had been going on hookup/dating sites. He claimed he was using photos for masturbation vs going to porn sites. At first he lied and denied it at all. He said he didn't know how those sites got on his phone. (And I found them by accident, if you must know.) He said he didn't have any profiles on these sites, that he only used the photos on the login page for masturbation. I searched these sites for profiles. I checked all his emails. I have nothing as evidence, other than the what was on his phone. To me, this was more insulting than porn, looking at women in the area. He says hasn't done it since and I really don't trust him anymore. I think he's looking to cheat. He says no. Why else would you go to these kind of sites? It's not like I'm an unattractive woman. Men often tell me they masturbate to my photos. I have no interest in that. Is he looking to cheat? He denies his wondering eye. Calls me crazy. I'm looking for an honest opinion from men. Should I stay or should I go?
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female
reader, citadel  +, writes (1 November 2013):
I don't know, sounds like his mother shamed him and made him have to hide his sexuality to masturbate to pictures rather than have full contact intimacy. Many men do not know how to have real sex lives. I'm sure many go to the grave thinking, "shit, I could of had the real thing" to bad I could never feel vulnerable enough. But, his problems are your's, it's in the marriage deal. Time to talk before you get a lawyer to talk for you. Many men suffer from this and think they are not suffering, that it's "the norm". It's a form of voyeurism and can lead down a tricky path. You're path will now be difficult and your self esteem will be challenged. To fight fire with fire, could work, but then you would have to go out of your own boundaries. Just because it's available doesn't mean it's right. I say stand up to it, talk to it. But I wouldn't allow him to justify it. Nope, not going to buy it. Ask his mother to come over and let her open the door on that. That will close the door on THAT. Some men just let the poison of their attentions to poison everything. Mother up! already.. K?
A
female
reader, KC12 +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I admit it is a little creepy that he looks at online dating cites, when there are dozens of photos online that you can look up...even photos of celebrities, etc. In giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that he (like some men) are turned off by porn rather than turned on. And, he's more turned on by a pretty face and/or sexy dress or bikini rather than all out nudity. And, might not want to look at someone like (for random example) Paris Hilton, because she's already got a well established public persona--and he can't create a fantasy persona around her.However, the flip side of that is he likes the "availability" of these women; that he likes going on these sites because he can (at least fantasize about) contacting them and approaching them. If he's even fantasizing about talking to them while he masturbates, he might be tempted to take it to the next level and contact them. And, unfortunately I need to state the obvious...If he's lied to you before, he could be lying to you again. He might just be lying to cover up another lie...My suggestion is that you first try to talk it out, and maybe give him an ultimatim. Tell him that activity is ok once in a while, but ultimately he should reserve intimacy with you than these "pictures" and his hand. Then, maybe through experiencing more intimacy with you, you can break him of this habit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I personally think it's a load of crap. He may not be doing anything with the sites (yet), but he was curious enough to go look at them and see what is out there. So the real question is, why.
Perhaps he needs some things to fill all this free time he seems to have. Nobody is taking masturbation away from him, but he's getting a little too close to crossing marrriage boundaries by visiting dating/hook-up websites.
And I'm sorry, I am just having this visual of men in general sitting there, penis in hand masturating to a picture. Seems so pathetic and desperate.
Why do you think he's looking to cheat? Of course anyone going in that direction is not going to tell the truth about it. I think it's time for the two of you to have a serious talk. Maybe things are going stale, maybe you are both becoming complacent and it's time to change things up and make sure you are both focusing on each other and not what's outside of your marriage. It's important that you are clear about what is acceptable and what is not with this kind of stuff. Nobody should be browsing sites like that unless they are single.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 October 2013):
 I know my husband looks at porn (and i'm fine with it) but he apparently also has a site where he looks at local girls and that bugs me... he won't cheat this I know but I don't like him looking at potentially available women that bugs me. He can't see the difference.
Now the sites he goes to are NOT dating or hookup sites but rather sites where women can share their bodies apparently cause that turns them on.... I have no clue why...
Personally the fact that he has had more than ONE story including denying... sends up red flags for me... telling the truth needs to be done from step one or else it's all suspect in my book...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2013):
 Sorry hit enter to fast.
MAYBE he did it because he didn't think you would approve of actual porn?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2013):
Um, how is it ok for OTHER men to masturbate to YOUR picture but your husband can't masturbate to randoms women's?
That's illogical and quite the double standard there.
I would sit him down and tell him HOW it made you feel and what YOU find OK for him to watch - find a compromise.
I DO have to say that I find it really weird that he would masturbate to women's pictures on a dating/hook up site, that borderline creepy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): I agree that it's an odd choice, what with there being so much porn so freely available. Still, it might be that those sites are more effective in meeting his needs -- different things work for people. If you have no other evidence -- no emails exchanged with local girls or with girls in cities he travels to -- then he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Leaving him over only this one thing would be a massive over-reaction. That you're considering it suggests to me that other things are going on in your marriage. Use this constructively to improve your communication and work on your marriage.
One other thing -- there's much more to maintaing physical attraction than good looks. Time has so far been kind to my wife -- she looks great. But our sex life is dead, in part because it's been precisely the same routine for years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): "Men often tell me they masturbate to my photos."Does your husband know this? How did they get those photos?What were, or weren't, you wearing? Do I note a bit of hypocrisy here? How do you know these men, and do they still have those photos?You don't have enough evidence to end your marriage. How jealous can you be of a photograph? Is this guilt for what you did, being projected onto your husband?There has to be a lot more dysfunction in your marriage than "accidentally on-purpose" finding out he may have visited the homepage of a hookup site. He lied about it, because you were angry. I guess you never lie about anything. Women never get caught doing these things; so men get condemned for it. That's the price you pay for having different plumbing.If you were upset about the discovery and he knows he was wrong, did you expect an immediate confession? Come on...seriously!? You probably flew into hysterics; and he reacted like a foolish teen caught masturbating by his mom.The first thing that comes out of his mouth is either a lie; or something ridiculously stupid.You obviously don't trust him anymore, so call your lawyer.I'd like to see the look on the judge's face when he hears the reason for filing divorce. "I went snooping and found out my husband visited the homepage on a hookup site for sleazy women in the area, and lied about it. He masturbates when all he needs is me." No matter what reason you give, this would be the core of it.Aren't you really more angry at the confession that he masturbates? Period! It's as common as whiskers on cats. I don't care what type of man-bashing responses you get from other women. I think you better look back on your overall marriage; and see if you can't work this out.Carry a grudge and pout as long as you like. Married-men don't give up masturbation; because they have a wife.Surely, if he hooked up; you should have found his text messages setting up dates and responses from local ladies looking for a good time? He was obviously too sloppy to delete the homepage from his cell phone. Surely he'd be too dumb to delete the real incriminating evidence. He probably doesn't know how. You can't enter the site without submitting your profile and paying for the service. It would list "my profile" and "last checked" right on the membership tab. If you didn't see one, there isn't one.All you found is circumstantial evidence. If you can't get past that, maybe you do need to split it down the middle; snatch up your dolls and dishes, and head out into the world of single recently-divorced women. Only to date and run into more men who happen to visit porn sites; and masturbate to the nasty pictures.Sit down and have some straight-talk. Let him know that he's putting your marriage on the line, and you don't plan to forgive and forget for awhile. So he's on probation.Just remember this. There will be a lot of tension in the bedroom, until you lighten-up. Until you decide to grow-up, and learn how to deal with issues that eventually show up in just about every modern married-household across the country and beyond.Somethings guys do stupid things. Lusting in his heart is always going to be one of them. In all fairness and respect to you and your feelings. He had to be absolutely out of his mind to risk his marriage by tempting himself with that crap. He is totally aware of how hurt you'd feel, and how he would erode your trust; because he needed dirty pictures to wank to. It also implicates that he may be contemplating using the site for what it is intended. Lies don't help his case.Just realize. Men need fresh mental images now and then for fantasy-fuel. You can't fulfill his sexual needs to the degree he will never masturbate. This is just my opinion. I don't know either of you, or how he treats you as a wife.If it makes you feel better. Demand all his passwords; then tell him all about those men who claim to masturbate to your pictures.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2013): Has he ever given you reason not to trust before? Is this the first time this has happened?
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