A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I started seeing a guy about six month ago, a few months into 'seeing him' he tells me he has a girlfriend. Gave me the whole as soon as he met me he planned to end it with her but couldn't bring himself to do it but he couldn't lie to me any longer. Anyway I was pretty torn up about it. I had totally fell for him and really thought it was going somewhere. Anyways this was a few months ago. When I discovered about the girlfriend I told him where to go. He 'appeared' really upset and said that he would end it with her the next day. But I didn't give him this option. The thing is I cant get him out of my head. Literally hes there morning, day and night. I'm quite a busy person, I have school, a job and lots of friends so I have very little alone time but he still seems to crop up all the time. I've also been on a number of dates and started dating someone, but had to end it as I felt guilty as all I could think about was this guy. I know he's obviously not all that as he turned out to be a cheater but that doesn't stop the reoccurring thoughts. I know this sounds corny and everyone says it but despite only seeing him for four months, I thought he was the one. We were completely comfortable around each other from day one, had amazing chemistry, were so different but bounced off each other, it was like this whirlwind crazy yet amazing romance. I've been in relationships lasting up to 5 years and never experienced feelings like I did with him. I know I'm a strong enough person not to go back there. But I just need some advice as to how to stop thinking about him?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2013):
 First of all, I'm sorry you got caught up in something you thought might have been the beginning of something great.
Not all cheaters are scum and easy to identify. Some are "almost" decent guys who makes a scumbag choice. Or a cowardice and selfish choice. I think your "guy" was a charmer who thought of himself as a "good guy". You know he wasn't.
One of the reasons who the relationship felt so comfortable and "perfect" was because he has no worries about ending up alone. He could be as charming as he wanted, as sweet, nice, polite and if YOU didn't want to be his thing on the side or the reason he dumped his GF then he would have HER to go back to. a LOT less pressure for him and thus... easier to feel relaxed. (unless of course he got caught cheating on either of you). Want to bet that he is STILL with her? And that he will STAY with her til he find someone else?
YOU KNOW you did the right thing. You used your head. You didn't say SURE I'll be with you if you dump her!! Because you KNOW that 1. it's wrong and 2. you wouldn't be able to trust him.
He did the wrong thing. He SHOULDN'T have spend time wooing you while STILL dating the GF. IF he REALLY wanted to give you & him a chance - he should have dumped her FIRST. And even then, dating a guy who either is still IN a relationship or JUST dumped his girl is usually a lose/lose situation, because YOU would be the rebound.
He DID do the right thing is telling you, his timing were WAY off though and I think he did that on purpose. He wanted you to WANT him so much that you would look past the whole GF/dumping GF.
You have to realize that what he did WITH you and TO you was a "fantasy" for him. It was a "pretend" relationship. Or a "test-drive" to see which girl he felt had the "greener grass". Who knows if he has done it before and if he will do it again. My guess is, that when he gets a little bored with his GF, he "test drives" a new girl til he find better. Which really isn't very decent.
How do you stop thinking about him? Time will help. Look at the things you LIKED about him and the things you didn't. Then take a break from dating, focus on friends & family and fun/hobbies. When you are ready to try again (not THAT guy, but dating again) then you know some of the things you want from a guy and the things you DO NOT.
And don't beat yourself of for not knowing. Stick to your guns.
I have to say it is REFRESHING to see a young lady who know which way her moral compass is pointing, who believes is morals and values and who doesn't JUST let " OMG I LOVE HIM so everything must be fate or OK" rule.
This is HIS LOSS 100% - but some better guys gain. BE GLAD - no, overjoyed that you didn't waste more time on this guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2013): If you form a fixation on another person, no one can break the spell but you. You invested a lot of fantasizing, daydreams, and created mental images of a fairytale relationship about the guy. When he wasn't around, you conjured him up as the subject of your thoughts. That's how people end-up being obsessed or infatuated with other people. By the time reality set-in, you were already in too deep. Your loneliness and a little desperation is going to make you pine for him a while longer. It's human-nature to want most what we can't have. So you'll have remorse over the fact you let yourself fall for him; yet knowing he was untouchable.You kill an obsession by finding something else to occupy your time and thoughts. Otherwise you go cold-turkey, and ride it out. It happens to everyone sooner or later.The guy made a huge impression that's hard to get over. Some people have an enormous amount of charm, and just pull you in. It happens. Remind yourself he's nothing but a cheat and he played you. It'll sink in.Don't worry, it might take time; but he'll wear off. The mind adjusts when it realizes the futility of obsessing.
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