A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for almost 18 years. We have two wonderful teenage daughters. We have had a great marriage - no real serious problems. We hardly ever fought. We have always been a close knit family, went on trips a couple times a year, had many parties, played games together. I work long hours at my job and am the primary breadwinner. Over the past few months, my husband complained that I'm never around and we have no connection anymore. I disagreed - I thought everything was fine. We were having less sex than usual, though. I could tell he was feeling unhappy but I didn't know what to do. Then, with no real warning, I came home from work 2 weeks ago and he told me he wasn't happy and needed to move out. He said he loved me as the mother of his children and that was all. He moved in with his mother.We have talked a little over the last 2 weeks, but we're not really getting anywhere. He says he needs time to figure out what he wants. It seems that he is severely depressed. I am struggling to carry on normal life and try to keep it together for my children. I want my husband to come home so we can work on our relationship. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can cope with this, or how I can get him to give our love another try?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 May 2008):
 By disagreeing to your husband when he expresses his concern, is the same as saying your opinion matters and his does not.
I'm sure you had warning this was going to happen. Being a busy woman it's easy to ignor the subtle changes that show warning signs.
So even though you felt as if everything was fine. His feelings of no connection, was any attempt made to reestablish a connection? All though you are busy, have children, have a home, and other obligations, you're not married to any of those. Your marriage needs focus and to be placed as a priority just as any other obligation.
It seems as if you're busy so you didn't recognize how he was needing more connection with you. That's almost like being a fixture there, instead of being treated as an important member of the family.
If I were you, when talking to him, start with two words. "I'm sorry."
A
male
reader, wildman +, writes (11 May 2008):
 What kind of work does your husband do? Is he having problems there? Do you think there may be someone else?
If there is no one else, maybe he is feeling inadequate in some way with you being the primary breadwinner. Maybe he is disappointed in himself. I would possibly talk to your mother inlaw to find out more if that is possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): Something or a build up of issues have created this feeling in your husband. It is healthy for both of you to have some space for a while to consider all aspects of what may have caused this to happen. It may help you to write things down. Could you ask your husband to write to you? It sounds daft but it may help both you and him clarify what he is feeling as he may find it hard to talk about it. I think him moving in with his Mother is a big mistake - now you have three people in the marriage - but perhaps it is for practical reasons? It is important that you seek impartial professional help if you can - or simply meet somewhere neutral to talk. He owes you communication at the very least as you have so much at stake and so much that you have shared. Do not pressure him but explain that you care very much about how he feels. I hope things will turn around.
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