A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a long term relation-ship with a guy who was far from the type who goes after big breasted bimbos, and who was interested in feminism and wanted his girlfriend to be his intellectual partner. Sounds great.But it turned out that he had huge interest in porn: not the mainstream LA stuff, but amateur couples etc.I am not the kind of person to be worried about "he fancies her not me" type of thing, but it had a huge impact on our intimacy. Because it seemed like he was more interested in other peoples sexual lives then his own, and became somehow distant sexually , refusing to kiss me. He was kind of detached I guess. I don't know, but the whole thing has really, really put me of guys, because it seems that they are not interested in intimacy. I am not prude, and don't mind somebody having a look at nude pictures from time to time, but in my experience I haven't met any guy who does just casually, for most of them it seems to play a huge role in their sexual life (I have both straight and gay friends).it is so depressing...so are there any men who don't spend more than 15 minutes a day on it?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): I agree with DiovanLestat that the attractive stuff is amateur - and for obvious reasons. If there's no sexual enjoyment going on, what's the point? A lot of sexual pleasure is in the empathy (studies (found ie. on a search of the BBC science news stories)show that men looking at sexual images focus on the facial expressions, and women on genital contact), even if the empathy is distorted or repressed as it often is. And even if one is sexually 'satisfied' there's still the question - not necessarily a jealous one - of what other people do, how do other girlfriends feel with their partners. It would be a stern soul who found 15 minutes watching such pictures/videos per day abhorrent, but I think the problem is the openendedness of what one is looking for in looking at such pictures/videos. For me, it's almost like being a little girl on a beach picking up the most interesting pebbles, entranced and utterly drawn into her activity. This is what truly infuriates the partner (I can't believe you're doing something so banal!)- this capacity of the human to willingly disappear into purposeless activity.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): This is a very, very good question. I've been wondering the same thing myself. I like porn, for both women and men, and I think it has it's place in any relationship. But I've been wondering, is there many men who don't like porn. I'm really glad you asked this and I'm waiting for responses from men....
PS: I think amature porn is actually the best type, it cuts out degreation and exploitation that can be part of the industry. I don't think 15 minutes a day is excessive, considering men think about sex every 15 seconds, so I've been told.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2008): “But it turned out that he had huge interest in porn: not the mainstream LA stuff, but amateur couples etc”
Amateur porn is actually more realistic than the LA professional porn. The amateur porn that I have watched comes closer to what I have done with any woman long before I even saw amateur porn.
“I struggle all the time with the idea that men evey care of like women very much and struggle with the idea that a man could ever just be satisfied with the one woman in his life.”
Every woman who I dated had more past partners than I ever had. So where does that put women on the scale of things. If I were as cynical as the woman who posted the above, I would be ranting on this board about how all women were worthless sluts instead of saying how much I appreciated my wife and a couple of others I dated as I have done in other answers in the past.
“the overexposure in such a casual way to porn i think desensitizes some people to real sex”
I’m sure that porn does desensitize some men and women to real sex. However, both my wife and I have watched porn and both of us would still much rather have sex together. Watching some realistic amateur type porn during the foreplay stage actually gets us even more excited, although we probably do it only one time out of 20 or so.
“I just found out that the porn star my hubby likes to watch has turned into quite the obsession……..”
My wife used to like one particular porn star many years ago and wanted to watch films with him in them. So what. She also likes a couple of actors on regular TV series and has me look up info on them on the web. I do the same with actresses who I like. So what. We aren’t going to have a chance to boink them anyway. If she could have a better orgasm if she fantasized about them while I am giving her oral or screwing her then go to it hun. As long as she doesn’t call me by their name it’s fine with me.
I have watched porn to varying degrees over the past 40 years. When my wife and I were working longer hours at stressful jobs we didn’t have sex very often – maybe 1 or 2 times a week. I would still have sexual desires, but she would be too stressed and didn’t have any desire. I would watch porn and take care of my sexual urges myself. When our jobs were more normal or when on vacation, there would be no or very little porn involved and we would have sex 6 or more times a week. Our sex has almost always involved a lot of intimacy, whether there was porn involved or not. We have almost always spent more time on kissing and cuddling than on the actual sex. We have almost always used a lot of foreplay and oral also. I say almost because sometimes we are both just horny and want to get a quick screw. My porn usage has always depended on my wife’s desire for sex, which normally depended on her job situation and stress level in her life.
It is easily possible to integrate porn into a very good sex life with a loving partner. Perhaps some people allow it to become an addiction, but that can happen with anything. There are women who allow the soaps to interfere with their attention to their children. I once knew a woman who would be so angry with her daughter if she screwed up her taping of her soaps that she said that she screamed at her about losing one of the episodes. Tell me that is not as bad as a man watching too much porn. Tell me that a man or woman who is an alcoholic or addicted to gambling is not as bad as a man watching porn. Any addiction is a real problem and women have addictions as bad as men do.
There have also been men having the same attitude about all women on this board. Both men and women with the attitude that all members of the opposite sex are the same worthless examples of humanity need to pull their heads out of the sand (or some other dark place) and start to live in the real world. There are good and bad in both men and women.
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female
reader, JessK  +, writes (28 August 2008):
 wow andrew83, i think you have single-handedly restored my faith in humanity
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A
female
reader, no_roots  +, writes (7 August 2008):
I found this looking for answers to a similar question that I had. I just found out that the porn star my hubby likes to watch has turned into quite the obsession. It used to be fun to watch porn together and I did know there was that one in particular that he preferred and it didn't bother me but now... I feel like he's just using me as a receptacle while he pretends he's with this one particular girl. He just spent the last two days obsessively looking up all the pictures he could find on the internet and lists of every film she's done while he was supposed to be taking care of our kids. To his credit he did send them over to my mom's so they weren't being exposed to any of it. Maybe I'm being sensitive but I'm turned off now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I'm a woman and I feel the same way as the woman who posted the question. I understand why a man would want to look at naked women having sex. But the type of stuff that is out there and the amount that it easy to get is quite scary I think for alot of women.
I guess I grew up not exposed to porn and looking for real sex and real intimacy with the men in my life and most of them want to act out what they see in porn. Which is often nothing to do with how real live women are turned on. I also don't and never will look like some "porn-star" and the fact that there are so many options out there for men to gorge themselves on with other women makes it hard for me as woman, to feel special and beautiful enough for my man. I wonder how men would feel if their women were sitting at home and looking at pictures of men with huge sexual organs being called names and treated like nothing more then a useless peice of trash.
I think men want to feel like they are satsifying their partner. The thing is, women want to feel that way to. Expect most porn, being male dominated, goes a long way from making any woman feel like she is good enough.
It's depressing and the way men act with porn today has made me disheartended and tough to open up to men. I struggle all the time with the idea that men evey care of like women very much and struggle with the idea that a man could ever just be satisfied with the one woman in his life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): i think most men are interested in some porn at some time in their life - a lot use it as a distraction - a relaxation - a zipless f**k etc. Like other men I used to be interested in porn but am no longer - really it does get so boring and another thing is it desensitizes us to real important sex - with other real people - the problem is a whole generation of men have grown up with it readily available - including the full on stuff - and everything has become sexualised
I'm from a slightly older generation and it wasn't so readily available to men then and before I had sex with my first girlfriend the most I had seen was breasts - usually on art house French films - where everyone seemed massively glam - or topless girls on hippie films like Woodstock
Looking back I had very healthy sexual feelings then - I had met a girl i loved and i wanted to have sex with her etc. I cannot imagine how I would have viewed her had I have been exposed to all the porn in such a casual way that young guys are able to access so easily now - I think I would have felt differently and that porn might have become a problem - the overexposure in such a casual way to porn i think desensitizes some people to real sex
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A
male
reader, Andrew83 +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Well, let me be the 1st to post here on this one..
I dont really watch it apart from the odd once, i much prefer to be intimate with a woman then porn.
Porn to me is somethin to watch and play about when your alone but when with a woman, wouldnt feel the need to watch it at all.
It doesnt play a huge role in my life.
So maybe i'm the 1st guy you know about thats different, who knows.
Hope this answers your question "so are there any men who don't spend more than 15 minutes a day on it?"
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