A
female
age
,
*byrd
writes:my husband of 29 yrs. is sufficating me. everything he does and says annoys me.he calls me 5 times a day.hes at work and he knows im at work.hes 9 yrs older than me and wants to veg out and i want to go.he dont want to spend time with anyone but me and i want to have and see friends.hes manipulated me,controlled me,planned my life for me. kids are grown,i work.he doesnt control me anymore.now i strongly feel im done.i do not want to be with him. last aug.i told him i wanted out he cryed,threatened to harm himself and made me swear not to ever leave. how do i tell him i still want out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): "he doesnt control me anymore"
Actually, OP, your husband still very much controls you. you're still here married to him even though you don't want to be, because of him crying and threatening to harm himself and making you swear not to leave him. As a result, you haven't left him even though you want to. If that isn't the very definition of control, I don't know what is.
His tactics may have changed, that's all. Who says there's only one way to control someone? there's a million ways. In the past he used different tactics which you've now disabled. So that's why you think he's not controlling you anymore, but actually he is, just that he's switched methods because the old stuff stopped working. But his new control tactics (emotional blackmail) sure are working very nicely on you because you're still here and married to him despite not wanting to be but only because that's what he wants.
A
female
reader, suey  +, writes (7 February 2012):
I left my husband after 26 years, he controled me. If I said I was leaving he too would beg me to stay, saying he couldn't live without me. I was stiffled! What I did was run away, I suppose it was the cowards way out, but I knew it was the only way I would ever be free. I wrote him a note and left, he did try to end it all twice after I left, or did he, was it a way of trying to get me back? It didn't work although it was very hard not to give in, there comes a time when you must do what's right for you. It is the best thing I have ever done. So I would say stay strong and what ever way you do it, do what is right for you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 February 2012):
 You are still there so yes, he DOES still control you. If you are done, then BE done.
Make an exit plan. Find a place you can afford on your own, get a separate bank account, remove your name from bills that belong to the house you two reside in, find all your personal papers. Tell him you are moving out.
Life is too short to be miserable and be bullied.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (7 February 2012):
 it may come down to communication between you both. he may be depressed and feeling insecure, could be the reason he is calling you a lot at work. he may be worried about loosing you, maybe jealous of attention to other people and not feeling enough attention being payed to him? you may mean more to him than you think. don't you think you should try telling him you feel suffocated , that he is holding on to tight. if you are determined on leaving him you already have it in your mind. but you may want to thing of what you might be throwing away, 29 years of marriage . it took years to build and can be in a few minutes. can you look back on good times in your marriage , good memories , time spent with each other. i am just trying to give you somethings to think about before you make any decisions ,or decisions you may have to look back on with regret later in life and wonder what if. i am writing this to you hoping something i wrote may help you both out. i will be married 29 years this sunday the 12th. i can not picture throwing away everything my wife and i have built together between us. this is my look at things i hope this may help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): my partner of 6 months was in a relationship like yours for a similar amount of time. she now believes leaving him was the best thing she did and she should have done it years ago. however, because he is controlling and manipulative (and still not working) she is finding it difficult to limit his contact, so be aware that just because you leave it may take longer than that to get him to be out of your life.
so it will take some emotional strength on your part, and you will have to maintain it. i wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): I know this saying is well known....you really never knew what you had until you lost it...well i hope this will not be your case. Try talking to your hubby and let him know how you feel (but be nice about it) then try to look at his good qualities and go from there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): "he doesnt control me anymore"
"i do not want to be with him. last aug.i told him i wanted out he cryed,threatened to harm himself and made me swear not to ever leave."
He does control you. You told him you wanted out last August; he responded by crying crocodile tears, threatening of self harm, and coercing you under duress into making a promise that's exactly what you don't want and he does; six months later you're still with him and you still want out, but now you're afraid to tell him because you know he will respond by crying crocodile tears, threatening of self harm, and coercing you under duress into making a promise that's exactly what you don't want and he does. That's control.
"how do i tell him i still want out?"
Seek out a trained counselor and/or call a domestic violence hotlind and/or surf the Internet to get information on how to best counter three classic techniques controlling spouses use to control spouses.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 February 2012):
 Would you stay if your husband changed and gave you more space and was less clingy?
I guess what I am asking is to ask yourself if there is anything worth saving in your marriage and are you really 'throwing the baby out with the bath water'?
You don't say if you have talked to your husband about this, and if you have but he persists to be clingy and conrolling, then I can see why you want to get away.
We all change as we get older and in a long marriage, many people grow apart. Men are less adaptable to change and that is why they find it hard to adopt a new behaviour, even if it is to save a marriage.
If you are determined to leave and feel that nothing can be done to save things, then you just need to tell him and then move out the same day. Telling him and then staying (even for a few days) will give him time to get under your skin and convince you or manipulate you to stay.
Just as an extra point. Leaving does not guarantee a happy life and even people who wanted their marriages to end, may still have to deal with emotions and feelings that surface as a result of ending that marriage.
I ended mine (19 years)...even now I still feel deep sadness at the loss of the relationship. I always assumed I would find another partner and love again but after a few failed relationships, I realise that it has been a very painful lonely and dissapointing lesson indeed. I live a full life but new love never came as I expected it to and I have resigned myself to a life lived alone.
I hope you figure out what you are going to do. You seem very determined and I know how that feels to want to get away. The only thing you have to do now is tell him and leave.
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A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (7 February 2012):
First I am so happy to see a woman who is able to recognize what she needs to do in her life in order to be happy. A lot of women continue to lie themselves being unhappy for more unnecessary years. Congratulations on the first step.
Instead of worrying about how to tell him, worry about how your going to get out. Make a plan, if you don't already have one, about where your going to stay, how your going to get there. Most importantly plan a specific date maybe even time that you will be the safest to leave. Probably when he is not home. Considering what happened last time, you can only count on something like that happening again, which will only interfere and possibly delay you entering your new life.
Tell people you trust and care for you about your plans and preferably involve at least one friend or family member in your plan to leave. Having someone there will help keep you focused on what your original plan was, and makes it harder to back down. Involve them way ahead of time on the specific date and time to help you pack, pick you up, or whatever their role should be.
Once again don't worry too much about what to tell him. He has manipulated you in a way to make you scared of this very conversation so you never bring it up, and also to make you feel guilty on some level. You need to do what it is right for you.
In my own experience I told my long time boyfriend at the time that I was leaving when his ride to work showed up. He had a couple minutes to work his 'magic' but then he had to go. This way I didn't feel guilty about not telling him to his face, but didn't have all the craziness to deal with afterwards, and more importantly was safe to pack my things and leave.
Most important thing here, getting out however you need to.
Truly good luck to you, you are going to experience all kinds of new things that come with independence when this is over. Please keep an update, you will be in my thoughts.
This is a hotline that may be useful to you also: 1-800-787-3224
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Simple: Pack your bags before he get's home from work, then give him divorce papers with your signature on it to show him you're serious!
or......talk with him!
though talking wouldn't probably work cause my boyfriend is controlling, manipulative and won't let me hang with my friend s and we argue whenever I bring it up....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): You don't wait for him to agree to a divorce. You just proceed with it regardless. That's how most divorces work. if one party in the marriage feels it's over, then it is over.
if he harms himself because you left him, that's not your responsibility. No emotionally healthy adult would do that, it's his responsibility not to harm himself, not yours!
Look, many people have had their spouses divorce them, and while they may cry and get depressed for a long time, they don't react by harming themselves. Normal people realize that yeah it sucks to dumped and left (but hey that's what happens when you mistreat your spouse and make your spouse want to leave you so he has to take responsibility for what he did wrong that made you unable to stay married to him). But normal people will nevertheless find a way to carry on with their lives and move on. if your hb can't or wont' do that it's not your responsibility it's his and his own because it's his life.
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