A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello everyone, tonight im finding myslef laying in bed with to much on my mind and am really in need of some advice please and thanks in advance. okay so my boyfriend and i live together and have been together almost six years. we have had our fair share of ups and downs but always seem to make it, and before i go any further, just please know i love him very very much and would love to figure this all out. okay so here lately about a month or so, i feel super distant from him. i barely even want to be around him when were actually around each other but when were not i miss him??? but i think i am just missing the thought of how things used to be or something.and somehow he just seems so unmanly to me. one of the reasons i feel in love with him was because he was a few years older and at the time mature for his age and because he was such a hard worker and never gave up. and now i know im more mature and i handle things better than him and he keeps acting so,for lack of a better word, dumb. he asks the most pointless questions and how to spell words that i know he can spell if hed just use his brain. i just keep feeling like hes a child and im the adult. our sex life has also been going down hill to the point where neither of us really even trys to initiate anything sexual. and on top of that he barely sleeps in the bed with me, because it hurts his back....im just so lost. and iv told and told him lately that hes been acting different and that i dont know if were okay but he doesnt think hes doing anything different. he constantly tells me he loves me and that im beautiful and kisses me all the time and i know he loves me but if so then why is he acting like nothings wrong? how can he be happy living like this? im miserable being in this situation and not knowing what to do. i want to be with him but not if this is the man he is becoming. even his friend whos been staying with us while hes in town mentioned how he has been acting. and that he just lets me be in control of the relationship and he wont ever argue back or even voice his opinion. its like hes a robot or something and that hed rather be here with me like this than go try to be with someone else. and its like he haqs givent up on everything and that hardworker in him is gone. i know i went on and on im just so cinfused. any thoughts would be greatly appreciated on what to do or why he is acting this way.
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female
reader, Deagan +, writes (8 February 2012):
 Relationships like yours can work out as long as both are still committed to making it work. Breaks can sometimes be beneficial in the sense that you allowing yourself some time to figure out what you really want. I was in a similar boat when my boyfriend and I dated each other all throughout our college years. It wasn't until after college, and our 5th year of dating that we realized we didn't experience the "college life." This conversation came about after I confronted him, asking him why he had grown so distant over the past month. We went on a break and although it was painful, I am fortunate to say that it didn't take long for us to realize we didn't want to be with anyone else. As if I didn't think our relationship was strong before, our relationship became stronger than ever after we got back together. I can't say this is the reason why you're boyfriend is distant, but it could very well be that he feels like he settled down, but you don't know for sure until you talk to him! Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your thoughts and advice. Yes there has been things going on in our life like a car wreck that totaled his suv and his boss has slowly began not working him as much so I know those things are a factor in it all, but id rather just be able to be there for him instead of feeling like were falling apart. And deagan I think you have a great point, I think about that all the time that we are settled to soon. And yes we have been together since I was a freshman and he was a junior in highschool. We've both cheated in the past like years ago and I know it was because were only with each other. Do you think relationships like purs don't typically work out? 99 percent of me wants it to work out and be great but then I have that what if in the back of my mind. I really am just so so lost.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (7 February 2012):
I see you're between the ages of 18-21 and you say you've been together for 6 years. It shows that you've been together all through your high school and college years, right?
You two have become distant, and that is a huge warning sign in my opinion that he's starting to think about what it would be like to date other people or experience the single life. He's so young, he's trying to figure out who he is and what he wants. And you should be figuring that out too.
He's been committed to a relationship and hasn't experienced much else. You should probably discuss this issue with him. Just a fair warning, the truth might hurt. You two are at the age where you should be experiencing life prior to settling down. It sounds like you guys settled down too early, and it might be weighing on him now. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 February 2012):
 I think this phrase, in your submittal, includes all you need: "...im miserable being in this situation and not knowing what to do..."
You DO know what to do... and that is, GET OUT OF THIS MISERABLE SITUATION...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Hi Anonymous,
Sorry to hear how there is so much on your mind, confusing you...
The good news is that you say you love your boyfriend very much :) that is a good start.
So things changed the last month or so... what is different? What changed? Holiday or weather blues?
Has anything changed in your lives? Why was he so hard working before, and not anymore? Is he demotivated? Anything with each other's families?
Somehow, your roles seem to have changed to a parent/child. That balance needs to be restored. Whatever is affecting his work ethic, is also affecting his health (back gets sore in bed) and his libido. He still demonstrates his love for you by saying so, by complimenting you and kissing you, but the intimacy is lacking.
I would have a heart to heart conversation, when the timing and vibe is right, and share your thoughts and feelings. Everyone feels better after talking things through. Give him the opportunity to share if there is anything. Work/family/friends/your relationship. Tell him how you looked up to him with his hard working ethic, and how he is just giving up. Encourage and motivate.
He sounds like he does care about you, but something is bothering him, which is affecting him in the ways mentioned above.
I hope you get to the bottom of it, because clearly it is troubling you and making you unhappy. Also, when you are apart you miss him, so perhaps do that: pursue your interets and hobbies, meet up with friends for coffee, etc. do the things you enjoy, so when you return to each other at night, you have both missed each other and have lots to share.
Good luck and wishing you happiness and a restored relationship :)
xxxx E
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