A
female
age
,
*heri1960
writes:I feel like I'm alone. I haven't found another woman who shares my heartache. Here's the problem in a nutshell... my husband can only get aroused reading, watching or talking about lesbian sex. Before we make love, he prefers to read lesbian porn or watch lesbian porn videos. Also, during us having sex, he needs to be verbal about what he wants to see me do with another woman. I can understand him getting turned on by a threesome video or story (Mff), however, he has no desire to watch a guy or read about a guy in the story even if there's two women. I feel like he's using my body as a vessel to enjoy his fantasies. I feel like he's a voyeur to me having lesbian sex in his fantasies. It's absolutely amazing how much lesbian porn he watches and how much lesbian porn he reads. He even one said to me... "if I ever came back in another life, I'd like to come back as a lesbian". What does this mean? He is not submissive in any way, nor does he have any fem characteristics. He can't get aroused or turned on by even touching me. He must fantisize about women and women to become aroused in the least. Is this just a behaviour problem, or is this a sexual preference as far as what turns him on?
View related questions:
lesbian, no desire, porn, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, cheri1960 +, writes (17 October 2007):
cheri1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThinking Man, thanks again for your encouraging words. I just can't believe how much of what you say...my husband and I are living. I had to chuckle when you said back in "stage one", because that's how I feel it developed...in stages. I know and understand how difficult it is for my husband to change his behavior in this area. However, we keep going back in circles. I now know why. I felt guilty asking him to give up the lesbian material because I didn't think it fair of me to ask him to change his sexual preference of what arouses him the most which would in turn decrease his sexual orgasm/pleasure. So, I made a deal with him that if, even once in a while, we can just have loving tender sex, we could still have sex the way he prefers. However, it ALWAYS, ALWAYS goes back to that way 100% of the time. There is no foreplay. His foreplay is watching the porn or reading the lesbian erotica or the mini videos on the internet. I do believe he will need to give it up completely and wean himself off. I now realize, because I didn't want to admit it before, that allowing him to fantisize and getting involved with it with him, even once in a while, is like giving an alcoholic a drink or a person trying to quit smoking a cigarette. It will bring back that urge in a blink of an eye. This issue is not only in the bedroom. If he sees an attractive woman or womean, he will immediately think of them doing (sexual) things to eachother or he will tell me what he would like to see me do to her. The sad thing about this I've shared many years of fantastic sex with him... his way. Sex every night... his way. Sex multiple times on the weekends... his way. When he introduced me to D/s and his lesbian fantasies, I truly thought it would be just one more of many ways to have sex. I didn't expect it to get to be 100% of the time. The other sad thing is, if he can't think about the stimuli he needs to get aroused, he can't get an erection at all. I've told him that I don't care about penetration because I know it's going to take a long while to make some changes in the way we have sex. Plus, I'm the one who always complained that we never had enough cuddling, kissing, touching each other, fondling, etc. He's tried this a few times and it's obvious that he is not "into" it with me. He's just going through the motions because he knows it's what I want. Well, it sure doesn't make me feel desireable. However, I don't tell him how I feel about it because again, I know it's something foreign to him and he needs to get used to it. I've told him what I want from him and what I need from him specifically.. emotionally, physically and sexually. He always says he'll try and I know his intentions are true, however he SO easily falls back to his ways. I guess I'm very hurt that even after NOT having sex for a couple months, and only seeing each other every other weekend, he doesn't get aroused by thinking of making love to me alone. Maybe it's because he masturbates to the lesbian material on the internet so much that it's constantly in his mind. Other then this issue, we truly love each other with every once of being in us. I don't doubt his love for me, but I have such a yearning for him to make me feel special while making love. As soon as he brings in another woman... family, friend or someone we met like a waitress, while we're having sex, it just lose the feeling and no longer want to have sex. Even knowing this and doing it again and again and again, he continues to start making love and ends up in the end talking or thinking about another woman. I hope I'm wrong, but I'm really beginning to think that him getting off on this material and having such great orgasms, is more important then having just "okay" sex with me. He once told me that he may be able to get hard enough to enter me but the orgasm won't be as good, however it will still feel good because an orgasm always feels good at some level. He may as well had told me that he's not looking forward to making love with me alone because the orgasm won't feel anywhere near as good as if he were to fantize and be verbal about it. I'm really not angry with him for having this kind of thinking. None of us knows for sure how it's determined as far as what turns us on and what turns us off. Look at all the different fetishes out there. I'm just asking my husband to learn another way to make love to me where I feel like I'm his and his alone and not some live prop for him to use to get off on his fantisies. After giving over 8 years of this pleasure to him.. in fantasy and real time...which was a huge mistake on my part... I feel it's his turn to do without. I've felt bad after sex way to many times to continue like this. I'm afraid though. Afraid that if things don't change with him, I will leave him. And also afraid that while he's changing, he may feel he's not happy sexually and is not being fulfilled that he'll be the one that asks for out. It's just extremely sad to me that this sexual issue alone would be the thorn that broke up our marriage. We even talked about a marriage without sex. But, with my husband, it's not just the sex, he is not a really sensitive emotional guy and lacks in the area of just being emotionally connected to me. With the sex and all the rest, I don't have much faith that either of us can be happy in it. I'm just so tired of fighting, arguing, blaming each other, having it effect my self-esteem, etc. We seem to take one step forward and way to many steps back that it takes us forever to get to that first step again. I feel like I'm torturing myself.
A
male
reader, Thinking_Man  +, writes (17 October 2007):
Dear Cheril,Don’t ever for once think that your man might get angry with you for trying to force him out of the addiction. Even if he sulks and rants about it, deep inside he’ll know that you’re helping him do the right thing. Just a few hours back, I was making love, or having sex with my girlfriend to be precise, and I got an uncontrollable urge to talk about her sister. Within the first minute, she stopped me, and pushed me away! For a few minutes, I was mad at her, and I lit up a cigarette and asked her what the big deal was about talking in bed. I told her that it was just a ‘once in a while’ thing especially, as I had stopped myself from talking for the whole of last week. But she just smiled at me weakly and told me that she understood how annoyed I feel, but she’s had to feel the same way for the last six years we’ve been together. It hit me, and a few minutes later, we cuddled up and ended up making love, after ages, maybe even years. Even if we don’t talk while having sex, there’s always been a stray thought that lingers in my head, but today, it was just us both on that bed. I must admit, just to you, that I’ve had better sex while talking about other women, but for the first time, I felt loved in bed. Normally, I’m a pretty decent guy who loves his girlfriend, but in bed, I become a sexually perverse monster. I always feel guilty after having sex, and I can’t help but wonder why I think about other women in bed who aren’t even as sexually exciting as my girl. I feel terrible, and even if your husband doesn’t admit it, I’m sure he’d feel guilty somewhere deep down in his heart. And about whether you should continue with the talk in bed just to keep him happy, I think you should stop it and help him overcome his habit. You may been going on with this game for many years now, and taking things back to stage one, when it’s more about love and less about lust may be really hard. I’ve been trying for the past six months, and I still haven’t been able to overcome it. Talking about it has always helped me orgasm better, and avoiding the dirty talk in bed leaves me somewhat incomplete. But I want to change. And I’m sure your man would not regret you stopping him from lesbian talk. If I had a chance, I would gladly turn back time so I could have avoided this perverse part of me, but unfortunately, life doesn’t really give too many second chances. It’s all about changes. Try to avoid all talk about lesbians, and ask him to discard all the porn he’s got with him. And never have the ‘sex once in a while with lesbians’ talk, it would only rekindle his urges, especially when he knows talking about it would help him orgasm better. As time goes by, he’ll be able to wean himself off it, even though sex for him might be boring initially. It’s all in his head, help him so he can understand that sex cane be great even without conversations. From my experience, I’ve seen that penetration is the demon. There’s something about penetrating that brings out the little demon in me. I can go on without talking during foreplay, but the actual act gets my mouth loose, so if you experience the same, spend a lot more time on foreplay, and very less time on actual penetration. It always helps when both of you enjoy each other as much as possible. And you wrote that you feel sad about your bedroom woes, then I’d suggest you tell him everything you feel inside. It doesn’t matter if one weekend passes by without sex, just as long as both of you understand each other. Let him read this, so even he would know that he’s not alone. There are great, good looking, humorous, charming and friendly guys like me too, who fantasize about other women, and at times, even girlfriend’s sisters and at times about lesbians. Your husband may feel even worse than you do, when he’s sober. So give him a chance. From what you’ve written, he seems like a great guy, I can only imagine how you feel, but I know for sure how he’d be feeling. Just so you know, I still haven’t gotten over it, and at times, especially when I’m getting off, I think about other women, and it feels good. But I know it’s never going to help me in the relationship I share with my girlfriend, so I try making a conscious effort. Even if he tries, it may take him months, but it would work for the better. And he’d be more than willing to try it, if you could spend one weekend talking about it and helping him understand your deepest feelings, and trying to understand his reasons for talking about it. So it may take you months, or maybe even a year, but that’s a small price to pay for many years of glorious sex and a great loving relationship. It’s just an addiction, which is really hard to overcome. Try to avoid meeting any shrinks until you really feel the need, it would only make him feel worse, and depressed. I know I would if I was in his place. And Cheril, I feel bad for both of you. I know how bad love can feel when such things interfere. Stick on to each other and help him change. Though it’s frustrating, I’m trying to change too, and reading what you’ve got to say makes me understand deeper about how my girlfriend could be feeling right now. Take care, and never give up. Your love is a lot more important to him than dirty talk about lesbians. But again, he’s helpless. So am I. But I know he can change with your help. Fingers crossed!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Hi CherilI noticed your age and reading your post you are not alone. I am in the same boat started as fantasies watching porn together I never had a problem with him watching alone. The only difference with us is he talks about other guy all the time how when we watch I look at the other guys he's not interested in the other girls just me seeing other guys dicks.We would never get into the 3some as he knows I would never do this he just wants me to see another guys dick and says that does it for him everytime.I have questioned him about bi/gay he says no way this other guy is always bigger than him(?) and nothing else happens. can anyone shed some light on this as he would never ask to be with another girl.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheri1960 +, writes (16 October 2007):
cheri1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI truly appreciate all who have replied to my email. However, I must give huge thanks to Thinking Man. Thinking Man, your email was the one I related to the most. I was really hoping to get a reply from someone who has the same problem as my husband because it would give me another man's perspective other then my husbands. You hit everything on the head from "they way it started". I got excited about experiencing something different sexually, and I didn't mind it at all being lesbian porn or talking of other women. I just didn't expect it to turn into 100% of the time we had sex. It has gotten much worse. He went through a short period where he stopped reading and watching the material, however he couldn't perform. He just couldn't think of me and him alone and get aroused. He too, says I'm the most attractive women he's been with and I don't doubt he loves me. I now know...and it took many years, that it has nothing to do with the way I look, me being desirable enough, sexy enough, etc. I really did take it personally for a long time. I know it's the stimuli he needs for arousal. But, I don't have much faith that he could and will give it up. Why give up something that makes you feel so good? I'd hate to think that the sex (orgasm) between us wouldn't compare to the orgasm he has by self-satisfying himself with the lesbian porn and erotica stories. Also, it's very difficult to work on the sexual part of the relationship since I reside in another state. He has a year contract for employment in another state and flys home every other weekend. I happen to be hear visiting him this time and I can't believe how much lesbian porn and lesbian erotica stories he's been looking at. It has to be all he does in his spare time. Even to the point where he looks at it and gets off each morning before work. I never did mind it until it took hold of our sex life 100% of the time. Let me ask you a question... you say you've changed however difficult it still may be... to you regret it ever? Do you resent your girlfriend for asking you to change your behavior? Is the sex/orgasm not as good but satisfactory? Do you ever let the thoughts get the best of you and you end up going back to that material? My husband promises me he wants to change. I believe him. We try to work on things and try to be more loving. However, it never fails.. once he feels it's "safe" to talk about that stuff again, he falls back into his pattern and it's all about the lesbian sex again. I don't want to give up, but it's hard not to when I don't see him really working at it. I don't expect him to change overnight. I know it may take weeks, months or longer. However, each time he takes a step back, I feel it's right back at step one. I don't know if this will make sense, but... although I don't take it personally, I'm still extremely sad about it because I still wish that I, as his wife, could be enough to turn him on to arousal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Thinking_Man +, writes (16 October 2007):
Surprisingly, Cheril, I completely understand what you’re going through here. I suffer from the same problem too. Not yours, but your husband’s. All the answers you see up here seem too distant to me, and I’m not able to relate to it, but here’s my view. I’m guessing this whole ‘lesbian-fetish’ thing started off mildly, many years or many months ago. Maybe you thought it would be worth the effort to blabber some gibberish about lesbian stuff, just as long as it arouses your man, and maybe as time passed by, you realised that talking about lesbians or reading about them before sex helped your man orgasm a lot better, and at that point, you figured that it was no big deal. Until now, when it’s too late. In your story, you are the victim of bad sex. In mine, my girlfriend of seven years is. I’m an annoying son-of-a-gun who can’t help but talk about other women while having sex with her. Trust me, she’s the best looking girl I’ve ever met, and that’s saying something, as I’m from the publishing industry. It all started off three years ago, when we first started speaking about it, and now, it’s snowballed into a sex-life that has nothing but fantasies and dirty talk coiling and uncoiling at every instant when we’re on bed. I even talk about her sister, which she took reasonably well, until a few weeks ago, when she cracked up, and started hating sex. I always knew she’d feel unappreciated when I talk about someone else, but I was being selfish, and I just couldn’t help talking or thinking about it in my head.
You don’t really need to see a therapist or a shrink, you just need to make your man understand what love and sex is all about. He may know that you’d be upset each time he talks about lesbian porn, so remind him. One time, after having sex, or on a particularly good weekend, bring up the conversation and let him know just one thing “That you would be the happiest, if only he could appreciate your body and have sex with you for once, instead of using you as a ‘fleshlight’”. Tell him that you’re totally in love with him, but feel terrible each time you have sex, because you feel unappreciated and unloved. Also tell him you don’t mind having sex with him and talking about lesbians but it would be great if he could try and wean himself off it over time. The point here is, he’s suffering from an addiction like smoking. He may know it’s bad, but he may not be able to help it. Ask him to try it for the sake of your love. And stop having frequent sex, let him masturbate if he wants to, a man would not know how much he misses a woman’s body until starts craving for it. It will be very hard at first, but with time, I can assure you, he would be back to normal. Just as long as you let him know exactly how you feel about talking porn in bed. It’s never too late for anything, so don’t give up. I’ve stopped talking about other women in bed (it’s very hard), though I still talk about her and me in different scenarios. It’s not been easy, but I will do it, because I know I should. Try talking to him, and at times, even shove him away and vent your frustrations at him. Just as long as his conscience gets pricked, he will try to change and that’s always a good sign. I’ve got a good feeling about this, your man will listen just as long as he knows the value of what he could lose… you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): Seriously if you are silly enough to condone his abuse and degradation of women through his porn use, what do you expect? Study after study is showing men are finding their partners less attractive as a result of porn use....obviously he has ust used to much and has conditioned himself to only become arused by this crap.
Dump the loser...believe me there are pleanty of mn around who disagree with porn and know how to respect and love a woman...find one!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I think he has an addiction or obsession but the truth is do you really want this man? What would happen if you said you no longer wanted sex with him and you were turned on by two men having sex and if he died and came back you would like him to be gay? Oh please - get real. He is totally and utterly selfish and yes absolutely you are right in that he is not turned on by you as a loving beautiful woman in your own right. Why do you not want to be wanted 'for you'? There are men out there who will love you, you them, and who are not twisted in this way. You're wasting your life and making excuses for him at each opportunity - its makes very difficult reading. Isn't it time you stopped torturing yourself like this?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): You should tell your husband that it bothers you. You should also tell him that it's 100% bs that he "can't " get aroused without lesbian porno. He might prefer or it or perhaps he has just gotten used to it. I know for sure he has gotten used to you allowing him to behave in that manner.
You should tell him the lesbian fantasy stuff is just for every now and then.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): I think you have to take some responsibility in that you made a choice in this man and you yourself wanted to experiment sexually with threesomes and whatever the D/s is (dominance, submission?)and you have a man that is very left of center in his sexual life, and now you are surprised with all of his fetishes? You say you are bored, and you crave tender sex full of feeling, well that is not what you signed up for with this husband, once someone becomes addicted to anything it is like when a cucumber becomes a pickle, it will never be a cucumber again, there have been profound changes, some of which are and will be permanent.
You have to decide if you can accept a life with this man the way he is, counseling is not going to work if he does not WANT to change....if you can't it is time to cut your losses, learn from your poor choices, and vow to change and move on to find what you wish you had in your life now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 October 2007):
 This is a difficult problem, and it seems like it will not be solved. Like you said, now it's all or nothing for him: either his way, or no way. He won't even agree to occasional sex in the traditional way. The complication here is that his way is something you didn't really like, but consented to thinking it would be only one of many ways to have sex with him, not the only way.
I don't want to be harsh, but, apparently he does not have a sexual interest in you, as you, the person, but only as a character in a play. If you're not playing the role he wants you to play, his interest is lost. This must be very painful. I also see that you're wondering where this is leading to; maybe to a situation where he won't even need you, and he will prefer masturbating to a magazine or a story than having real sex with you.
He needs serious counselling, but, you are the poster of the question and you are my interest. I think this relationship is damaging you. It seems to me that you want to be relevant for him, that you've been trying different ways to get to that point, and yet he doesn't give you what you want. You're trying to please someone who will never say he's pleased.
Maybe other areas of your relationship are working well, but I doubt it. I see serious problems in your relationship. Maybe you would benefit from counselling where he won't. Reconsidering what you get from this relationship might be good for you.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheri1960 +, writes (16 October 2007):
cheri1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielepew,
Yes, it's a behavior problem more then a sexual dysfunction, as my husband likes to say it is. I told him he could have the best of both worlds by me having fun with the lesbian porn, etc. if he could also experience with me, the need for loving, caring, tender sex. It appears it must be all or nothing in this case because when he tries not to think about it, then he can't even think of having sex with me because it will bring his mind back to what he hungers. He actually told me he can't think of me sexually and get aroused without thinking of me and another woman. We used to have sex every night and multiple times on the weekends. However, when I can't get turned on by lesbian erotica, then we don't have sex because he can't get aroused any other way. Even when I give him oral, he must think of me and another woman. He'll try not to read or watch it, but eventually he gives in and it's like giving an alcoholic a drink or a person trying to quit smoking a cigarette. I just want to know if it's possible that he can be satisfied by masturbating to lesbian porn and stories, versus having real sex with me. I'm afraid the answer will be that if he has better orgasms and is turned on more so by this material, then I guess I may not have a shot in competing with it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 October 2007):
I had never heard of such a problem before, and it seems indeed hard to tackle. As to whether this is a sexual preference, it obviously is. Some people would define "sexual preferences" as "behavior problems", so it is difficult to avoid being judgmental.
There can be issues with his sexuality. It's difficult to understand why he would like to be a lesbian.
I'm not sure whether counselling would work. Counselling helps you see your problems and act on them, and he may not think of this as a problem. I don't think he would even accept to see a counsellor.
What I do see is that you have a difficult problem ahead. He will not give up his wishes, and I think it will bother you more and more. Perhaps you would consent to threesomes and lesbian porn if he showed he really desires you and cares for you, but, this isn't happening. And it's upsetting you a lot. I think you should try to make him see how you feel and what his wishes are doing to the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheri1960 +, writes (16 October 2007):
cheri1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, a sex therapist would help if I could find one. All seem to fall under the same category... Marriage Therapist. However, they all say they also deal with sexual issues. We've actually been to therapy. Basically, the doctor told him he needs to change his behavior outside the bedroom to be more loving and tender, before he can behave that way in the bedroom. But, once he watches one video or reads erotica OR just thinks about two women, his mind is absorbed with that kind of sexual stimuli.
Question for the guys out there... if you enjoyed porn and needed it to become aroused and of course masturbated to it, would that kind of self-gratification be satisfactory over real time sex if you couldn't get the right kind of stimuli having sex with your partner? My heart really aches when I think of my husband rather masturbate to lesbian erotic and porn rather then enjoying sex with me, his wife.
...............................
A
female
reader, ladysuzanna  +, writes (15 October 2007):
 punch in the head are you not good enought to turn him on that kind of dirt him then tell him to find one that man is a pig i older than you and i had a boyfriend like him and i told him if you need that to give you find one and let her help you pay the rent he nerver did it again but i have been six years now he does not want to have sex or showing any affection get rid of him because there a chance he get rid of you later good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, dapone 1  +, writes (15 October 2007):
 hi
I am sorry to say that the porn he is watching has rotted his brain, this is not the way an adult male should act, best thing to do is get him to see a councilor, or make an appoint for him at some form of addiction clinic,i believe they exist in the U.S.
...............................
A
female
reader, cheri1960 +, writes (15 October 2007):
cheri1960 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't believe he was as addicted as he is now. I also have some ownership in all this. I'll see if I can make this brief. Met him nine years ago. Married almost four. He introduced me to D/s. I was very curious and we played with it for most of our time together. We've even experienced the threesome (Mff)a few times together. It was erotic and a fun experience. I've shared the lesbian porn videos and stories with him. However, I'm bored with it now and sometimes want the sex to be just about the two of us. The girl on girl stimuli is what he needs just to become aroused to have sex with me. I asked if we could have it both ways as far as using the videos and reading stories, AND sometimes have loving, tender sex.. without the fantasizing of another women and me. Nope, he can't get aroused at all. He doesn't even think about me and sex at the same time unless he thinks of me with another woman. I am so resentful of this now. I told him from day one that I had my doubts and concerns of actually making his "dream come true" of having a threesome. He promised it wouldn't become addictive. It did. He may not have to experience real time, but he sure must be verbal about it during our having sex. Also, he only places himself in the fantasy if I ask or remind him to. Mostly, he wants the fantasy to be about me telling him what I want to do to the other woman or vice versa. He doesn't even get aroused watching porn videos of a guy and two women. It has to be just women and women. Why? He tells me he loves me very much. I don't doubt that at all. But, how can my husband not even get a little aroused or horny just by thinking of making love to me and me alone? Also, the more he reads erotica and watches this kind of porn, the more he needs that kind of stimuli for arousal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (15 October 2007):
He needs serious medical counciling. How long has he had this problem? Was he like this when you married him?
...............................
|
