A
female
age
51-59,
*ivaCatC
writes:I've been married to my husband for almost 19 years. We have no children and probably won't at this point since we are both in our 40's now. We have cats we love and adore so this kind of fills the parenthood gap for us. We are pretty happy and get along great, but when it comes to sex, I am not happy at all. And the one thing that contributes to this is his lack of personal hygiene and style.The biggest issue is his personal hygiene. On the weekends when we are together most, he doesn't bother to take a shower or brush his teeth. He hasn't been to a dentist for a cleaning in years, and yes I have told him enough that he needs to care about his dental health. He doesn't exercise so his body has no definition, even though he is a very slender man. If anything he is underweight and needs some meat on him. If find this very unattractive. He doesn't get a monthly haircut and he is starting to go bald on top so his hair looks terrible. He wears old clothes that even a homeless person should be ashamed to wear and I try to encourage him to clean these old clothes out so I can get new ones and he won't give them up. He is not a trendy man at all and I wish he were. He only wears one pair of shoes and won't buy new ones when he should. I think he should wear different types of outfits and the appropriate shoes to go with them. He decided to start smoking a few years into our marriage and that contributes to the malodorous breath. A combination of smoking and not visiting a dentist regularly makes it unbearable to be near him or even kiss him, especially after waking up in the morning. It's the most awful smell.I really want him to understand that his personal hygiene and appearance makes a big difference in how often we have sex and the quality of sex. When we have sex, I just want to get it over with and I'm glad when he is done so quickly. But it leaves me feeling unsatisfied. He can't make love to me as long as he is like this. It will just be quickies for him, but nothing long lasting.Is there anything I can do to tell him these things without making the situation worse or hurting his feelings? That's the last thing I would want to do because I love him. If anyone knows of any books that have been written about these kinds of relationship issues I'd love to know the titles as well as any tips from personal experience. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, greg mai +, writes (19 October 2010):
well. was he always like this? if not he could be in some kind of depression. check it out. for some reason he's given up on his appearence for a reason. style is one thing, basic hygene is another. good luck.
A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (19 October 2010):
A man with free time who has let his hygiene slip is often the case in depression. It doesn't have to be a suicide-watch, medications and support groups depression. Often it can be trying to cope with a new environment, having too much free time, or just getting too comfortable with life. By nature we like to be challenged, and when we don't get that we tend to go lethargic and apathetic like caged animals do over time.
I struggle with this constantly as I left my career about six months ago to be a stay at home dad.
The single most important thing he needs is a teammate, and unfortunately for you the male ego rarely allows that teammate to be the wife. Crossfit is an excellent exercise program, but a man doesn't want to fall in to his wife's workout routine. He needs to get his testosterone kicking, and (for lack of a better way to put this) find the action movie hero inside.
What really kicked me into gear was this website:
http://www.scoobysworkshop.com/
It's a bodybuilding site run by a guy who shuns the industry aspect of working out. It's no nonsense exercises and meal planning, and it's a great place for a man to start getting his man on (again, sorry).
Get him in an athletics class, or an outdoor activity group through REI or something, or even local sports leagues. Jump on whatever physical activity he expresses an interest in. If he likes Bruce Lee, find him martial arts instruction.
Lastly, he needs a friend to push him. Even if that friend could only be a running buddy, or a biking buddy, or a rock climbing buddy, having another male pushing him to perform at a higher level will keep him from burning out and falling back into lethargy.
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A
female
reader, DivaCatC +, writes (19 October 2010):
DivaCatC is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate all of you who have given me some helpful advice. He did not used to be this way at all. I wouldn't be with him if he had been anything else but clean and crisp looking, as well as smelling great.
I did ask him if he would go to the dentist if I made an appointment for him, just yesterday, and he said that he would. This is at least a step in the right direction. I especially appreciate the comments from Ven. I actually wonder if he might be showing signs of depression. This was a question one of my guy friends asked when I described what I've been seeing.
Are there any other guys here on Dear Cupid who can give some thoughts? It is nice to hear both female and male perspectives.
Also, I may have him getting close to coming to do Crossfit workouts with me, but he keeps using time as an excuse. He has plenty of time. I think that a good exercise program would fix any possible issues of Depression symptoms, since this can simply be caused by life imbalances - doing too much work and not enough life.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (18 October 2010):
 This is where you sit your husband down in a non threatening way, quiet peaceful environment and start out by saying "Honey, you know I love you....and then gently but firmly let him know that you are worried/concerned about his health. Let him know that what he is doing is unhealthy, what can you do to help him..ect..but that he truly does need to "clean up his act". I'm afraid there really isn't any way to do this but to be straight forward about it. You can offer to make a dentist appointment, go shopping with him, but you most certainly do need to talk to him. Hopefully he'll want to change. My mom has been dealing with this for years with my dad. I hope you have more success than she had. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 October 2010):
 My husband retired a year ago this past summer. And for some reason he thought that meant no more shaving, no more after shave, no more dressing nicely , no more alot of stuff. I let it go for a few months then I spoke up and told Stinky to clean up his act. Was your husband EVER into good hygiene? If not, you most likely should have spoken up long ago, but better late than never. You don't have to be mean but you do have to make the situation clear. Time for a nice sit down chat.
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (18 October 2010):
You need to be honest and straightforward with him. The sooner it happens the less he will feel like you have been carrying this grudge against his personal style.
Another great way to get improvement is to get him involved with people who do take care of themselves. Get him in a gym, where he can be around people who do take care of their bodies.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 October 2010):
 Have you tried showing him this post? Or better yet, have you tried talking about it? Not just mentioning in the heat of the moment, but really talked?
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