A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband looks at porn of women around 18- 20 . I’m entering menopause and feeling extremely depressed about my changes to my body such as less elasticity and lubrication wrinkles etc . I’m fit and healthy but nothing makes me as young as the women he enjoys. I’m 1000 percent positive that if he could have one of those young ones over me he would take them in a heartbeat but he knows that realistically they wouldn’t want himI can’t do hormone replacement therapy because of health issues but I excercise and have an active life . What can I do to lift me out of these doldrums . I’ve tried talking to him about how it makes me feel but he invalidates my feelings and says all men prefer a hot young body and I should be happy he has sex with me Depressing
View related questions:
depressed, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2019): First of all, he’s wrong in saying ALL men prefer a young body. My husband has a friend who will only date women 35 and up. And as far as porn goes, there are women your age and body type featured in it. So there must be a demand for it or it wouldn’t exist. He’s just trying to make you think all men prefer the same thing so you’ll settle for that kind of treatment.
Also, don’t compare yourself or be jealous of the young women in porn. They probably feel just like you do, because they have to compete with the other thousands of women in porn to make a name for themselves, or stand out at all. There will always be someone more “attractive”. They’re aware they will only be wank material to the majority of men, and they’re aware they won’t be 20 forever, so when they age out they will just be tossed aside and replaced without a second thought. It can’t feel good to know that. The grass isn’t greener on the other side.
Anyway, don’t tolerate his rude remarks in the future. Make it clear he will respect you or you’re gone. Obviously, some men can’t watch porn without making comparisons. Those men should stay away from porn all together, but if they won’t, it’s our job as women to make sure they stay single. We’re better off without that type of man. There are plenty of men who can watch it without it negatively affecting their opinion of their partner, and there are some who don’t watch it all. Granted they’re in the minority, but they do exist.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2019): I never understand this theory of its better to use porn than be unfaithful . How about neither ? How about masterbating without using porn . How about just respecting your partner and women in general because although a minority of porn may not , the vast majority of pirn is very degrading to women and sends that message that youthful bodies are superior . This is not exactly a way to lake a menopausal wife feel hot
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2019): We all have different views on porn. It's way better for a man (or woman) to watch/masturbate to porn in the privacy of their own mind rather than going out and physically cheating. That said, it becomes cheating when it precedes and fuels real life cheating. Or when it becomes a substitute for sex with your partner along with the resulting emotional distance.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 May 2019):
 Anon Female:
- Porn is cheating for some people and not for others, you just need to be with someone who feels the same way.
- Not everybody masturbates.
- Going on a MILF app is still cheating, whether you hook up with anyone or not and cheating is never the answer.
OP, don't go on any apps. Don't find any new guys to flirt with or hook up with. Don't cheat. Tell your husband you've had enough of him putting you down and if he does it again, you will leave because you deserve better and he is lucky to have you.
Personally, if he's already said things like that more than once, I'd leave. I wouldn't give him another chance because it's not hard to be a decent human being and he isn't being one. I don't want to be married to someone who needs to be told not to be horrible to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2019): It is such a double standard! What about you being able to find a young stud who is very happy and enthusiastic to please you in bed? Think you can't? Think again because oh yes, you CAN! There are a lot of HOT, tight bodied young men out there who would outwit, out play and out last your husband with more stamina and passion! Young girls aren't as good as you'd think.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2019): Watching porn is NOT cheating. The porn part isn’t what’s bothering me. Every man/woman masturbates and it’s totally normal to watch porn while doing so. I think what you watch in your private time, should remain just that; private. What bothers me is what he said to you afterwards. Honestly, those are fighting words right there. Words that would make me want to file those divorce papers, but that’s personal and a whole other problem. This might be terrible advice and I might only be saying this because I’m young but have u ever tried going on one of those MILF hookup apps? Do you know how many men my age probably wanna hookup with an older woman? Not saying you have to go through with it, but it might make you feel better. Screw your husband. If he wants a young girl, let him have it then. You’re strong, beautiful and deserve everything from life. Stop wasting your time on these grumpy old men and find yourself a hottie for the night.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2019): Don't get me started about married-men who watch porn. In my opinion it's still cheating. You're diverting your sexual-energies and lusts away from your spouse. It's an insult to your marriage, and porn makes a bad impact on women. It's like telling you he's settling for you in spite of really preferring what he fantasizes about.
He doesn't speak for all me, just for his type!
If he hadn't spoken to you the way he did; then okay, tolerating porn wouldn't be so hard. He has a really warped attitude; and he's insensitive to your feelings. His "in-your-face" indulgence in porn is disgraceful.
You've explained to him what you're going through and how it makes you feel. Let's see how long before your feelings become detached; and you'll start searching for for a divorce attorney. Love needs kindness, trust, affection, and respect for nourishment. If you deprive it of what it needs, it will wither and die. It needs a healthy-diet, or it weakens from deficiencies of any of the above.
Married-men shouldn't make their wives feel the way he makes you feel; and he shouldn't be using porn when he has a mate to satisfy his needs. No, you're not lucky he still has sex with you. You're matched with an insensitive dirt-bag. His soul is foul and his mind is corrupted with porn. Too much porn ruins anybody's life, as many men are starting to see. When it starts to effect your relationship, you've gone too far with it.
When erectile-dysfunction sets-in with age; you'll get your retribution! When he has a limp-noodle, and he sees the pity in your eyes! If you stick around long enough, that is!
He'll recall the days he made you feel like he'd rather have an 18-20 year-old sex-partner. Watching that garbage around you with so much disrespect; and so little regard of how it makes you feel.
It's just a matter of time, my dear. What you sow, so shall you reap!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 May 2019):
 Is HE as fit as he was when you first started dating? As firm and handsome?
I bet not.
Not that it matters much, this has more to do with ATTITUDE and respect.
I guess he thinks he is hilarious. That he is saying it as a joke, but the thing with jokes like this, they come from a kernel of truth.
Yes, you ARE getting older, WE ALL are! Even the 20 year old!
All you CAN do is CUT yourself some darn slack and APPRECIATE yourself. You are not GOING to be 45 and looking like a 20 year old. You aren't SUPPOSED to. Yes, some people can pull it off but those are RARE specimens. And why would you want to?
If you keep yourself fit and well "maintained" you AGE with grace. HE should be HAPPY to have a spouse who CARES about her looks and health.
As for not being so firm or lubricated .. OK that is a downside to menopause. Accept it. There are ways around that. He will also HIT a point where getting it up for as long as he used to, just isn't going to happen.
Find a spinning or yoga class (if you enjoy either) and DO it JUST for you. Not to look young or whatever, but to FEEL good overall.
I see mothers at my kids high school who try and hold on so desperately to how they looked 20+ years ago and well, they really should let THAT go and find their new equilibrium. IT makes them LOOK older, not younger... But hey, if it MAKES them happy I say go for it!
One thing I have found helpful, after having kids, was to find the RIGHT shape of clothes to FIT my body. I don't follow fashion as much as go for the classics. For me that works.
I think your husband is being a disrespectful dickweed. I'm not really sure what I would do if my husband said something like that, I think I would be pretty upset too. Would I divorce him? Well, that depends, is this something he says often? Is this is general attitude towards me? If those are yes an yes then yeah, I would NOT want to live & be with someone who rather tear me down than build me up. I would probably tell him just how ridiculous he sounds, and if he can't appreciate ME, he can go fly a kite off the nearest cliff.
I think he KNOWS you look pretty fly and he is tearing you down because he KNOWS you might do better, He can't. But telling YOU that instead might make you pause and look at what-else is out there.
YOU do NOT need his approval for your looks. It's NICE to have, but you CAN do without it.
LEARN to appropriate yourself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): Kick his ass to the curb. What right does he have to tell you that? If you think he would choose a twenty year old over an attractive woman who loves him let him try. Believe me, you'll be able to get laid faster than he will with his crappy attitude. He doesn't deserve you or any other women no matter what age.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): He's crazy. My 65 year old wife is a much better sex partner than when she was 19, our first time. She's pretty fit but 30 pounds heaver than then, but I love that. It's all in the best places.
My only affair was with your husband's clone wife, and then she divorced him. She dumped me too, no longer wanted a married man; thanked me for giving her the confidence to move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 May 2019):
"he invalidates my feelings and says all men prefer a hot young body and I should be happy he has sex with me" would push me out the door. It's rude, insensitive and not the kind of man you want in your life.
I have to say that "I can't imagine the sex you do have being all that good when you're perpetually insecure and feeling unwanted by him" sounds pretty harsh too. I'm not surprised you're insecure if he says things like that to you. It's abusive.
The porn is quite normal, so therapy can help you overcome insecurities with that, but being married to such a nasty person will only make you feel worse for the rest of your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (17 May 2019):
How charming of him. That is such a hurtful and nasty thing to say. Does he think he is this gorgeous man who every woman wants to sleep with and you should feel lucky it's you? Honey, you need to live your life for you and build up your confidence because he is hammering it to the ground.
You should consider this marriage carefully.
You are still young and healthy. Get yourself a hobbie, join some social groups and make new friends. To help with wrinkles etc, retinol is a god send and always use high factor sun creams daily. You will see an inprovement quite quickly. Do this for you, not him. You deserve much better and I'm sure once your confidence is back you'll feel like you can do better that that assholeGood luck love.
Stay strong.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): OP, please pardon my French, but your husband is a total ASSHOLE!!! That remark is a two way street. He is damn fortunate that you are still giving him sex, at all! I am a man, but if I was a woman, and he talked to me like that, he would get NO pussy NO how! I live in a university town, and these young ladies would laugh his old conceited ass out of town! He talks like he is GODS GIFT to womankind. Trust me, he is not! There is nothing wrong with you OP! Just keep in shape and eat healthy, for you own good health, and do not go to extra lengths like hormone replacement therapy, for ASSHOLE! When we begin things like that, it is borderline vanity, which you do not want. Seriously, tell your husband, couples counseling, or divorce court, his choice!!! You are a person with feelings, and you do not have to put up with his cruelty! He should be thankful that he even has a wife! I apologise for mankind, that ASSHOLES like him exist! Much Love and Blessings!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): I can't imagine the sex you do have being all that good when you're perpetually insecure and feeling unwanted by him. And wondering which one of those young chicks are on his mind and in his fantasies when he's doing it with you. You will grow tired and resentful of him for having to "perform" while feeling nothing you do will ever please him. I think it's time to leave.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): That is very unkind things to say to a wife even if he is watching porn he shouldn't be saying those things to you. My advice is learn to be independent of him. Take good care of your looks. Being in your forties isn't old at all. Loose weight if you are overweight. Remember being thin is winning half of the looks battle. Find what suits you regarding hair styles, makeup, clothes..etc. adopt a hobby or join a group and most important have confidance in yourself. Learn to live your life for yourself. Simply ignore his adiction to porn and learn to live your life for yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (17 May 2019):
 Thats not fair. And to be honest your husband is being a dumb ass. We all age stretch marks,saggy boobs, going bald loseing teeth. I dont have a problem with the porn and i dont think he would cheat on you. Its all just a fantasy. But saying you should be happy that he has sex with you is wrong and will make you insecure. The stupid thing is his actions will affect you and him. He really needs to grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 May 2019):
 Sorry but I'd be out the door. Your husband is rude and insensitive. Who should have to put up with that? I doubt if the ladies would be knocking down his door if he were free. I realize if you start throwing snide remarks back at him it might start a fight but I wouldn't allow any man especially my husband to talk to me that way. Is he really worth being with? UGH..what a jerk. I'd probably fire back with "there's the door honey..don't let it hit you in the a** on the way out and don't come crawling back when everyone rejects you".
Sorry OP I know my advice isn't helpful but your husbands remarks really got me fired up. I'd say you're a saint for staying with him and he'd better learn to respect you or you're gone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): Oh heck no! Honestly I would dump him.How dare he even talk to you like that.He should be happy you even speak to him following that remark.He probably does not look that great considering his age.Do not let him kill your self esteem.I can already see by what you wrote it is starting to happen.Get to therapy to find out why you put up with that kind of abuse.And yes it is abuse.You are better than that and you know it.Dump him and you can have a much happier life.If he thinks his old self can get a 18 to 20 year old he is dreaming.They would look at him and go ewwww you are as old as my grandpa gross.lol.He is a jerk with a capital j.No time for that kind of abuse in life.Kick him out.
...............................
|
