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female
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*ystify
writes: When I met my husband I was honest and told him I couldn't handle a relationship with a guy who ogles other women. It wasn't until I was pregnant that he admitted he had lied and had been doing it A LOT! But then he told me he had changed. I forgave him and we married, but lately I've found he had lied to me about some important things recently. The trust I regained in him left and although he still is adamant his "eyes are only for me" without the trust I am left wondering 'Can people/men really change?' and 'Did he lie to me again when he said he's not interested in doing it anymore?' Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): The first time I noticed my guy leering at other women I was devestated. We were at a show and he bent from the waist 4 to 5 times to stare at a young womens legs, when we arrived home I confronted him, "your crazy, this never happened", was his reply.Since that time, almost 2 years ago to this date, he has done this countless of times. We were at a friends home for dinner and one of my girlfriends mentioned the next day that Jerry never took his eyes off of Pam. Pam mentioned to me "Jerry has a wandering eye", so Pam noticed his stares. Most of the arguing that we had in the past was due to the ogling of other women and the disrespect to the person whom he is with. This can all come to an end if Jerry would apologize and own up to the consistent ogling of other women, if he is aware of it, than he can stop. My girlfriend, the one who introduced us, has spoken with Jerry and it does seem better, and I can see that he is being drawn to and back from his ogling, almost mechanical.
I have asked him why he does this? This is where the arguements begin, he also says that we can never have a lasting relationship due to my accusations against him.
A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 January 2006):
mystify is verified as being by the original poster of the question and lets compare it to if there was a couple and the girl did it no one would bat an eyelid if the guy got upset/ angry and told a girl to stop it!
SO why when a girl feels the same do people just ridicule & brush her feelings aside and say its a mans right to do it?! Man , we need to move into the 21st century!
my husband is just as jealous as me even knowing i dont do it and when we go out if he sees me talking to another guy he moans to his mates "oh look at her checking him out" and they all say " dont be silly of course she aint" but i say the same thing and the attitude is..."well hes a guy so just let him and accept it and whats your problem?! , thats ok!"
and like i said before it is the looking that is a bad thing not just the touching cos it matters to me and hurts me
ill explain what i think i am seeing , long stares (i guess leering ),double takes,he always has a come back... long stares.."i was daydreaming" double takes.."a tattoo or bright pink belt caught my eye etc"
i never epected him to change, i finnished with him!he told me hed changed i believed him.
thankyou for reply regarding wheter or not he could change though, i need more replys regarding that matter as that is really what im after and if there is anyone out there that has changed regarding things like this or anyone who has wanted to but couldnt i would really like to hear from you as i am facing a big decision,i need to know whatever i choose i am not making a mistake.
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 January 2006):
mystify is verified as being by the original poster of the questionstar news , thankyou for your reply , but i dont think being single is the only way to be with a man that dosent do it...
like i already said i have been with a couple of guys that didnt do it, one because he didnt want me to do it so it was kinda a mutual respect thing and another who just wasnt that kinda guy he loved and wanted me and only me even when he thought i was doing he still didnt!
and he has friends that dont do it either in fact he told me about a convo he had woth a group of mates and all of them had their own opinion of it...
one leered at everyone even with a girlfriend , one never looked at any girls passing by when with a girl but thought it was ok to have a "thing" about a couple of famous people and one of his mates said he would never do it cos it would hurt his girl to much and was none the less bothered, and then there was my ex who just didnt do it.....
i hope that people read this cos that what i just wrote was said by guys between guys so you see all this need to do it , have to do it instinct stuff is just a load of rubbish
AND lets compare it to if there was a couple and the girl did no one would bat an eyelid if the guy got upset/ angry and told a girl to stop it!
SO WHY when a girl feels the same to people just ridicule & brush her feelings aside and say its a mans right to do it?! MAN , we need to move into the 21st century!
my husband is just as jealous as me even knowing i dont do it and when we go out if he sees me talking to another guy he moans to his mates "oh look at her checking him out" and they all say " dont be silly of course she aint" but i say the same thing and the attitude is ...."well hes a guy so just let him and accept it and whats your problem?! , thats ok!"
and like i said before it is the looking that is a bad thing not just the touching cos it matters to me and hurts me
ill explain what i think i am seeing , long stares (i guess leering ) , double takes he always has a come back... long stares "i was daydreaming" double takes "a tattoo or bright pink belt etc"
i never epected him to change, i finnished with him,HE TOLD ME hed changed i believed him.
thankyou for reply regarding wheter or not he could change though, i need more replys regarding that matter as that is really what im after and if there is anyone out there that has changed regarding things like this or anyone who has wanted to but couldnt i would really like to hear from you as i am facing a big decision as there are kids involved i need to know whatever i choose i am not making a mistake
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 January 2006):
mystify is verified as being by the original poster of the questionstar news , thankyou for your reply , but i dont think being single is the only way to be with a man that dosent do it...
like i already said i have been with a couple of guys that didnt do it, one because he didnt want me to do it so it was kinda a mutual respect thing and another who just wasnt that kinda guy he loved and wanted me and only me even when he thought i was doing he still didnt!
and he has friends that dont do it either in fact he told me about a convo he had woth a group of mates and all of them had their own opinion of it...
one leered at everyone even with a girlfriend , one never looked at any girls passing by when with a girl but thought it was ok to have a "thing" about a couple of famous people and one of his mates said he would never do it cos it would hurt his girl to much and was none the less bothered, and then there was my ex who just didnt do it.....
i hope that people read this cos that what i just wrote was said by guys between guys so you see all this need to do it , have to do it instinct stuff is just a load of rubbish
AND lets compare it to if there was a couple and the girl did no one would bat an eyelid if the guy got upset/ angry and told a girl to stop it!
SO WHY when a girl feels the same to people just ridicule & brush her feelings aside and say its a mans right to do it?! MAN , we need to move into the 21st century!
my husband is just as jealous as me even knowing i dont do it and when we go out if he sees me talking to another guy he moans to his mates "oh look at her checking him out" and they all say " dont be silly of course she aint" but i say the same thing and the attitude is ...."well hes a guy so just let him and accept it and whats your problem?! , thats ok!"
and like i said before it is the looking that is a bad thing not just the touching cos it matters to me and hurts me
ill explain what i think i am seeing , long stares (i guess leering ) , double takes he always has a come back... long stares "i was daydreaming" double takes "a tattoo or bright pink belt etc"
i never epected him to change, i finnished with him,HE TOLD ME hed changed i believed him.
thankyou for reply regarding wheter or not he could change though, i need more replys regarding that matter as that is really what im after and if there is anyone out there that has changed regarding things like this or anyone who has wanted to but couldnt i would really like to hear from you as i am facing a big decision as there are kids involved i need to know whatever i choose i am not making a mistake
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A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (1 January 2006):
 A leopard does not change his spots and neither will your man. He is attempting to pacify you by telling you he has changed. If you dont want to be with a man that checks out other women, it might be best for you to be single. All guys do it, its a known fact. If he is only looking and not touching, its not a bad thing. But the extent is the issue here. If your man leers at a girl in a creepy obvious way, and turns his head to check her out, that is disrespectful to you.
He says he only has eyes for you, but does he admire you, make you feel beautiful and tell you so? How do you feel when you are with him? Do you feel loved and adored? Only you know how he makes you feel. You cant expect him to change, its more a matter of accepting and tolerating this type behavior.
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (31 December 2005):
mystify is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow! anoymous! i always believed that the instintive stuff was an excuse infact my ex said as much and personnally felt disgusted at this branding he said it makes men out to be merely animals!
women also have lusts and sexual desires and believe me i am just as visual about sex as any man ive encountered but i choose to direct this towards my man only when in love, out of respect.
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (31 December 2005):
mystify is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok you first two guys didnt really add a response to my question, anon you missed that this isnt my only problem, a big issue is that he lies, but you say i dont have a problem well i consider my husband causing me to be upset a big problem,like you say "most guys", not all! what i am really after is can this change and is he lying.
harsh but fair i can see we will clash , this is a huge issue because i am spiritual , believe in soul mates , finding the one , i involve with the body only after the soul, and mind so in a way i would sooner forgive a guy for getting drunk and and shagging someone else in a drunken stupor and not intending or soberly wanting to, than forgive a guy who stay perfectly faithful physically but not in the mind.
but thankyou both for giving me the chance to re evaluate the question
pzellor thankyou for your response although believe me i do say something when i think hes doing it, the big problem is he denys it every time and i dont know whether he is doing it and lying or if i am imagining it due to the lack of trust hes created and he is in fact telling the truth?!
I would never take a fella looking at someone else personally, i dont find it makes me insecure, i have plenty of self confidence, i am just one of the few women who has stood up and admitted i dont like it and it hurts, and i decided to avoid men that do out of personnal choice, unfortunatly i got lied to
(which makes it worse , imagine falling in love with man of your dreams only to find they lied to make you love them!!!!!!!!) ,
i just need help deciding if he could really change inside and if im being lied to again.
I know there are men who dont do it, ive dated a couple so im not sure about the instintive thing, just can a man change no training , my husband said after i finnished with him a year and a half ago after i confronted him and he admitted that he did it, that something in him changed after losing me, he just wasnt interested in eyeballing people anymore and that his eyes were just for me being pregnant and desperate i believed him, but lately more and more i think can this really happen????????????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2005): rubbish, that its instinctive....men can make choices and this is a choice he makes. I do howeverbelieve we condition men to do this by saying things like 'its instinctive'.
Also, it is a big deal if it hurts you..it indicates that he may not be entirely satisfied with you physically. Personally I say ditch him and find a man who only has eyes for you..
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A
male
reader, pzeller +, writes (31 December 2005):
 It's instinctive. That's no reason he can't change the behavior, though. Think about it, when you walk into any unfamiliar situation, note where your eyes go. It's largely involuntary.
If he continues to stare, then it's a problem because it hurts you (though still normal).
Here's what you might try. When you catch him staring (not just quick glances) at another woman, tap him on the shoulder and politely say "I'm over here, sweetie.". He's probably not aware of how much he's doing it, and we men are trainable.
P.S. Don't take what he's doing personally. It's probably nothing to do with you, it's just his natural response to a situation.
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A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (31 December 2005):
 I agree with anon. Why is this such a huge issue?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2005): Jeez if your only problem is that he ogles other chicks then you ain't really got a problem. Most guys will only stop looking when they've stopped breathing.
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