A
female
age
41-50,
*arah31
writes:My husband is using call girls and escort services? I am devastated. Please help me!Two weeks ago my husband received a call from someone at 11:30pm on a weekend. He didn't pick up, but someone had apparently left a message and upon asking him who it was, he said someone -some car company doing surveys. So I said ok. I picked up his phone infront of him to call my mother and he reacted weirdly and snatched the phone from me thinking that I might have redialled the number from recieved calls. He looked very scared. Later that night I was able to jot the number down quickly and called the number the next day and a female voice answered the phone and when I asked if it was a car company she said no it's private number. I became very suspicious that day. A few days later I came across a one year old email message that was sent from my husband to a call girl an escort (name of company was in the email) asking if she was working today and when she could meet. I have been devasted, completely heart broken and haven't slept for days now thinking about how to confront him becuase I love him very much and to think of leaving him is devastating but what he has done is also devastating. He does take good care of me and respects me in every way. We have had good sex life and have been happily married for four years. But to come to terms with this, to face this....I don't know how to resolve this situation. If I do tell him now, will he ever be the same again? Will he quit? He surely has breeched all the moral values and broken marriage vows. I am truly shattered and deeply hurt. I am trying very hard to send him signals and indirectly have been saying things and one day I just broke down infront of him and asked him if he has ever cheated or slept with another woman to which he answered no. He also once cried and told me how much he loves me and how could i even think this way. I am so confused. someone please help. How do I tell him? I don't want to loose him. He has given me everything...I fear losing all of those if I ask him to confess. Please help me someone. I am shattered and feel betrayed.
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male
reader, Hank1 +, writes (27 December 2016):
I too haven't amen the leap. I do chores inside the house and outside, help with shopping, cooking and I clean everything. I maintain 3 vehicles, camper, boat, motorcycle and some of her friends cars. I work full time as well. So the idea of her doing more is out the window. I buy her flowers, some days I'll find her car and place a rose or tulip on her windshield. I lay out sexy lingerie for her and still nothing. She wants to snuggle, spoon and I rub her feet and massage her then she turns on her cell and plays games. I'm 54, she is 53. Married 30 years. I'm tired of fighting for her time. I find seeing escorts as better than self gratification and I'm not going to have feelings for them. Great sex, no complaints, no hurrying up, no electronics in the bed. I see a girl 1 time a month, the same girl. I caress and massage her and she purrs like a kitten. She has no issues so neither do I. So for you women out there who want to be romanced, I tried that, I'm a good looking guy, built well and confidant but what you seek doesn't work in my case and I'd bet in most cases it won't work. Women want to micro-manage us. You gals use sex to get what you want. Funny how us men...we want you...you women...well we have no idea what you want. So for me and I'd bet if the guys reading this had the balls they'd agree. So after being turned down so many times I just said what the F and started making calls. Now it's the best of both worlds. Here's a hint to you women, start loving your men for who and what they are or they will stray. It's only a matter of when not if. I loved my wife with every ounce of my being. She pushed me away and I found a new path. Do I blame her? Yes to an extent. I chose to sleep with other women. But only because she was cutting me off. If you don't feed a man he will go out to dine, it's really that simple. Hank
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Lovegirl.
You are completely right, I did perhaps take what appeared to be an easy way out and avoided the difficult task of the communicating better with my wife. I doubt your argument offended anyone either and I do agree. If I could go back to that moment that I made that decision and go down the other route of complete fidelity I certainly would.
I can see that my recount of my scenario and justification is contradictory. On one hand I can create an argument in my head as to why it happened which I do see echoed in other men and women in this and other debates.
On the other hand, and completely tipping the scales is my guilt and want to give it up. I have made good progress (i.e. right now stopped completely) and hope by discussing with other people here this will help. I hope so.
Like I say before, I really advise against the use of escorts etc. because it can be addictive, it's the only vice I have found myself affected by and I do hate it which is why I have to stop.
Yes I have lived two lives effectively but I do love my wife in an un-skewed way. I can see how you would perhaps be disgusted by this though but what can I say. My own dislike for what has happened is pretty high.
In answer to your question about my wife and other men. I would of course be hurt but if I wasn't providing then I wouldn't blame her and would truly forgive her. I would however hurt by a full blown affair/relationship which I do see as very different.
YStewart.
I can see your point of view too however I don't believe yours is not identical to my scenario.
I'm afraid your husband sounds like he isn't pulling his weight. Yes I do work very hard within my job but also do lots around the home, including everything you say your husband doesn't and nothing that he does.
I have however lost count of how many times I have been rejected, mostly down to her tiredness (even early evening or morning), this always hurts though, especially because the rejection is rarely tactile. I take care of myself physically so don't think repulsion is the issue but she just doesn't really seem to want sex often.
I will focus on improving our communication because this will definitely help. I am just desperate to faze out this second life and focus on my family and my wife. The point I am trying to make is about the addiction to the escorts that us guys (and girls perhaps) develop.
After writing this and re-reading I clearly see the multiple issues - poor communication, sex rejection and escort addiction.
I will deal with the communication and the addiction and hope that the frequent rejection lessens once the other two problems are dealt with.
Anyway, I'm sure you can see this is some sort of therapy for me but hope others can take something from my mistakes.
All the best
ANON MALE
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A
female
reader, ystewart +, writes (2 November 2010):
To the anon male....in addition to why you only have sex maybe once a week, have you ever thought WHY that might be?
My husband quite happily will sit down to dinner eat ,leave the table, while the rest of us are still eating, then proceed to play his video games for 2-3 hours.
So I clean up sort laundry ,put kids to bed, maybe grab an episode of tv then head off to bed....exausted!
then up comes hubby hoping that tonight is the night of the week.....! think about it guys....help us out a little, you may find sex might happen more than once,twice a week.
Then you might not have the energy for the hooker!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): To the last Anon male I know u may feel that I am judging you but I am intrigued by what u have written.
U have justified your cheating by saying u do not want to offend your wife by talking to her about your unhappy sex life and that u have sought out prostitutes instead. For a man who says that he loves his wife and kids u sure do have a funny way of showing it. So how many prostitutes have u had sex with, perhaps a few dozen? Instead of going to marital counseling, instead of talking to your wife u have decided that cheating is the only way out??
So u pretend to be happily married and faithful but you lead 2 separate lives?
As I have said I am not judging u but merely trying to understand how you justify your cheating. All I can say is that you are good, very good and you have covered your tracks very well. And your poor unsuspecting wife does not even have a clue that you prefer prostitutes to her.
have you not considered this: how can your wife fix something if she doesn't know it is broken, of how can she keep her family together if she doesn't know that there is a threat, in the form of your extra curricula activities. I think you have chosen to deliberately compartmentalize your cheating I.e wife in one, and prostitute/escort in another. This is the only way you justify your need for other women in your life, it allows you to play happy homes with the wife and kids and also allows you to run around with women of the night.
I think you know u have taken the easy way out and you deliberately chose other women. You have had the luxury of multiple women to have sex with. Will u afford your wife the same luxury? For her to get down and dirty with other men.
You could have somehow easily tried harder to communicate with your wife instead of involving other women in your marriage.
I think your evaluation of love is somewhat skewed and u have sought out prostitutes because you could. And because u know your wife trusts you completely you have taken advantage of her. In fact the abuse of your marital fidelity is tantamount to abuse. You abused the love, honesty and the sanctity of marriage.
To all women reading this, plse note this is an eye opener and u may think u have an almost perfect marriage/hb, but this is far from the truth. So this is a reality check. Learn to enjoy sex and learn to give your man what he wants and needs. Bec if you are not, don't be surprised when he turns to whores or indulges in an affair.
The use of whores/prostitutes/escorts/ladies of the night is a sensitive topic for many women . As a wife u feel devalued and u feel humiliated when u discover your loved ones secret. But you need to tackle the problem head on and make choices. Basically the wife or the whore. And as women we are afraid to give our men that choice.
As I said in the beginning I am not judging the last Anon male - I was trying to construct and evaluate his thinking process regarding his cheating. Apologies if I offended anyone.
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): Hi,Wow, I can't believe how long this thread is and how long it's been going. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that so many people go through this and have conflicting views but I do really feel compelled to share mine and my circumstances too.I'm a 30 something year old male in good health and fitness, I have a wonderful wife and two lovely children and what I consider to be a good and happy lifestyle. My issue is that my wife and I at best have sex once a week and I do really struggle with this because I crave more. Our libido is nearly always out of sync and of course the children have their impact on this too.To reiterate I love my wife and consider her to be my best friend and soul-mate, the only weak link I have felt was our sex life. Obviously once a week isn't great because I do need more, the other issue is that she is a bit of a selfish lover. For example she loves to receive (and I love to give fortunately) but she does not like to give (and I also like to receive). We are also a little repetitive and I really struggle to discuss this because I'm frightened of offending her. Not long after my first child was born I mentioned my lack of sex to a friend and he fatefully suggested the ads in the back of a local newspaper, I was oblivious to this world at the time.A while later I acted on this and visited an 'escort' (polite name for prostitute although on a technicality an escort is typically hygienic, not a drug addict, not a sex slave, well paid, occasionally loves sex (or a good faker), and is regularly checked for std's, does not have unprotected sex. Sorry to go on but I felt the need to emphasise what I consider to be the differences - especially for the victims in these situations).Anyway, I had full sex with this escort and did really enjoy it. Of course I had incredible guilt which I still and will always hold but I do have needs.I visited that same escort a number of times after and have seen numerous escorts since, at one point I was up to once a week. Over the last few years I have been in a constant do I or don't I state of mind. Sometimes I can sustain months without visiting an escort but the demon does re-emerge occasionally, along with the guilt.My wife has come close to finding out because of a mistake I made but I have been very careful because I know that our marriage would not survive if she knew. I have had good and bad experiences with escorts, and I have seen many. The real thing for me is that once the deed is done most of the time all that is left is my guilt and I feel a bit distant from my wife.I know am at my best when I can somehow ignore this demon and focus on my family, I feel closer to my wife and desperately try to concentrate on this, even when she gives me the cold shoulder. I know that my wife would not really understand or forgive me if she knew my secret, that said her forgiveness would be easier to find than my own. I know I have done wrong and am trying to put this in my past rather than present, right now maybe writing this post will help?Obviously by trying to ignore my needs I will remain close with my family, this is my top priority. I have also made steps to improve my own communication with my wife, I will try really hard with this, I just hope (and pray) that she will return the favour.My advice to people out there thinking of using escorts - if you love your partner and can identify why you feel the need to use an escort, consider what you can do to negate this. If you've never seen an escort, don't do it, it's Pandora's box for sure.My advice to people out there who have been cheated on - yes, technically it is cheating and it definitely is wrong but please don't consider it strictly speaking an emotional betrayal. It's my belief and experience that people use escorts because they don't want to have an affair, it's warped logic but there is logic and some good intent at least. There is betrayal though, in the secretiveness required to carry out these antics, but for many people such as myself the self guilt is the biggest punishment of all.I also ask that you consider why they have done it and whether you both communicate and tend to each other as well as you could?I hope people find my confession and insight helpful in their own predicament and wish you all long, happy marriages.All the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): It is very selfish for a woman to deny her husband sex on a continual basis with only the justification that she just doesn't feel like it. Men who want to stay married but also need to get their needs met will discreetly go outside the marriage to do it.While some men do have a porn and escort addiction, most who use call girls do not. They are simply fed up with managing the alchemical imbalance that comes from not having a healthy amount of sex due to a controlling or sexually disinterested wife.Even men who directly confront their wife with such a grievance more often than not find their needs disregarded.And women, listen up: If your husband is athletic and virile, he is much hornier than if he were less robust. Open your legs, get on your knees, do whatever you have to make the sex satisfying for him, or he will go outside your marriage to have his needs met properly by a paid professional (or even worse, he will have an affair with emotional connections)There is an old Confucious proverb that states: "Woman who puts husband in dog house will see him end up in cat house" Enough said.Another thing women: The husband who you are trying to manipulate by trying to control him emotionally and by withholding sex has been thinking about dumping you for years. The reason why he doesn't is strictly financial. Some of you women sound downright miserable with your husbands. To you I suggest packing up your stuff and leaving without expecting to be compensated financially. At that point, you will be free to find some other man who your tactics may or may not be more effective with.
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A
female
reader, ystewart +, writes (27 October 2010):
Sarah
I am the October 12th writer.....my husband of 20 years was caught. He was devastated that I found out and seems to be truely upset & sorry. I now have a big issue in that I leave or try to repair our marriage. I am trying the later first.
We have been to counseling. The first session was a three hour appointment which really was intense & physically & emotionaly draining. Many tears were shed and issues brought up! We then had to spend fall break away from home with the kids in a small appartment. We have talked & are trying to mend the break, because we are broken.
I am on good and bad hours...not days. Life can be ticking along & things feel normal then out of the blue I get a reality check & I'm devastated all over again.
Only time will tell, we are taking one day at a time....we have not discussed this really with anyone but our counsellor (my one neighbour knows) so for now my shock fase is still ticking along...I'm waiting for the angry stage. This my cousellor says will come... cheating is a bit like grieving the passing of a loved one.
I have seen many friends divorce, and what they go through as well as the effects on kids & families....I don't want to be that statistic but I will also not tolerate my husband lying to me again. Two sticks & your out!
Thanks for everyones imput into this subject I am finding both sides of the coin intersesting reading & support
Y.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): Woman - Men who are in to this have a long term issue. It starts with self gratification, using catalogues, then porn mags, then on line porn. We know it's wrong, but it stays. In marriage, woman DO withold sex, the affection goes and we get frustrated. Men equate love with sex. As we age we need to still be wanted. I've had 10 years of off and on sex issues in my marriage. I quit the porn etc, but my wife only pays lip service for about a week and then it's back to square one. Now, I am not saying the problem is with her, it's me. I have an addiction to pornography, and it escalates to lap dancing bars, then actual lap dancing, then to on line dating sites to 'just' talk. Then you call, then you want to meet. If like me you then realise it's wrong, then you stop. But, I go back time and again. My wife has caught me once. I've told her about it twice, seeking support and help. It lasts a week. So, the real issue here is not lack of sex, intimacy, what have you. It's a very real addiction. Support your partner if she or he confesses, it's what the marriage contract is about. Pray for him. Pray for us all. Pray for the woman being decieved. There is a site called settingcaptivesfree.com send your partner there for help. May God be with you all.
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A
female
reader, sarahbarby  +, writes (20 October 2010):
I'm in the same boat, he said it was only twice and only got bj, i dont know what to do, i have 2 girls and when it happened i was pregnant with my youngest. im totally low and so so upset. please feel free to get in touch with me by email here at dear cupid so we can talk more about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010): I find myself in this situation and don't know what to do. My partner has sent 5 emails to women on an adult site during the past week. I don't think he has met any and to my knowledge has had one reply. We have been together 4 years and he says he is completely happy with me and our life. We have the best sex he has ever had, he tells me, and lots of it andthere is nothing that I won't try so why why why does he want to contact these women. He gets jealous if he thinks anyone else is interested in me but doesn't realise it works the other way too. I don't know whether to confront him or not, I don't want to lose him but deserve respect and openness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Hi
I feel your pain! Last Wednsday I logged onto my husbands old laptop which opened up at a yahoo account I thought was ours. I was horified to find out that for the past 5 years he has been using escort services. He has travelled on & off over the past 12 years and this all appears to have started around 2005. We have been married for 20 years, known each other 26 & I always believed we had the perfect marriage.....we both said so!! What a fool.
I am sick, can't sleep can't eat haven't let the kids know yet that there is a problem. I confronted him the day I found out...he was on business in New York....and after ignoring his calls throughout the day I waited till my kids were in bed , called him & asked if he was in bed alone!!
He acted confused, accused me of "what the hell are you talking about" however after discovering his yahoo account I had emailed many of his emails to my new gmail account. I had proof!
He had been caught... he came home a few days later looking like shit. (sorry) he is so scared I will leave him. I haven't decided yet what to do.
He has been pro-active & booked us some counseling. He has quit drinking. We both really enjoy our wine over the weekend and he is scared to tell anyone before our counseling session for fear they may influence my decsicions.
My close friend & neighbour knows whats happened & is shocked beyond belief....I have her to talk to just now & she is really supportive....You need to confront him is you haven't already done so....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I do believe that individuals can overcome this addiction.
I am a female and personally I find it hard to stay faithful to my partner at times. Especially when I feel I am being used. Men tend to want to make women feel ugly so they develop self esteem issues. I am a model , blonde , and very tall - wear sexy clothing and do special dances to satify his desires however, at times when I am not into him I can not help but transcend into memories with a former lover when I danced for him.
The truth is every individual male or female (Friend or husband etc) will have a tendency to hurt us. We can open our hearts but to tell you the truth, NOT ALL MEN DO THIS BEHAVIOUR.
SOLUTION FOR WOMEN - LISTEN TO WHAT HE IS SAYING OR SHE IS SAYING. PAST BEHAVIOUR DEFINES THE PRESENT. It is nothing that women have done. Once in a Desperate Housewives episiode Bree was expressing anxiety about Rex to Susan's ex and he stated "If only I did this or that - STOP IT! you will never be what he wants." Women get out of the relationship before it gets worse and women that are in marriages TRUST ME THERE ARE SIGNS. I.e. If his body is turned away from you HE IS NOT INTO YOU. Trust me - there are a) gut feelings , b) signs , c) some men WANT to get caught d) You can see if friends or family members are uncomfortable because they know.
Excuse me "Call Girls"
- You are "air"
- Educated women know that they do not have to use their bodies to make a living. What an educated decision to think you can only get by on your looks. Trust me - once men are done with you they laugh about you and THANK GOD THAT YOU ARE NOT THEIR WIFE , DAUGHTER ETC. Trust me, no family is proud of the fact that you are a sperm bank gyre.
- You are the cause of problems and will have sex with anyone or anything (So , safe sex? Condoms can not protect you from everything). As the saying goes - how did my friend taste????
- Why buy the cow when it is free? Oh wow , you make over 200.00 an hour??? Big deal. Grow up and get a real job.
Married Women: Ok , you also have to factor in , did your husband marry you because you "trapped him with a child"?
Married Women - wear sexy underwear and lingerie. look presentable. IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO LOOK FRUMPY. Work with what you have and diet diet diet. Not for the Man BUT FOR YOURSELF. LOVE YOURSELF - you will have more energy.
IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY - IT IS OK TO BE ALONE. STOP WASTING EVERYONES TIME (ON BOTH SIDES).
AND THE CALL GIRL? How dare you insult that married women in a relationship. Do you think that you are a moral beacon? You have more rides than a greyhound bus...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Hi,I have to share my story to make this forum complete.My wife do not like BJ. She receives BJ and loves it. We still enjoy sex, but not as often as I want, like all men. She has given me permission to seek what ever method to get BJ and says she do not mind as she can not offer it. I have not picked up the phone and called escort services so far but thinking about it as I do not want to die without enjoying BJ as an adult. I got plenty of it before marriage by GFs. You be the judge. Should I or should I not. Having permission from wife, if I use escort, but not telling her, is it considered as cheating? if I tell her what do we gain? her behavior may change and we may not be happy as we are now. It is complex. So do not blame men alone. Please be in our shoes and you will symphatize with us. I can still get BJ from a friend who is in another country. It is safe, but costs a lot to travel and other expenses. Is it a smart financial decision than driving 8 miles to get escort services fulfill the need? Thanks for listening to this poor guy who loves his wife deeply, but want to have a fare share of fun which he offers to his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): I have been married for 23 years and just found out that my husband has been to massage parlors for the last 6 years. And has had full service for the last two years. I am devastated. I have decided that knowledge is power. I looked through the phone records and questioned him in order to see the seriousness of the situation. He went once a month for the last 3 years. I also met with an attorney only to find that I will have to pay him alimony and share all assets, he makes 1/5 of my salary. I advise you to seek counseling and to get stronger emotionally because you will be stronger in the end. Empower yourself and tell yourself that you will get through this because you will. The decision to stay or leave is yours. Never let anyone take anything away from you unless you want to give it up. I am working through my pain...the women posting here are amazing, we are wives, mothers, we have careers. This is painful because we had great expectations of life, faith, trust, hope, ambition. And it is all still there for our taking. We pride in our marriage and our children and our careers not like the cesspool whores who destroy marriages for a living or the husbands who take good women for granted. Be strong and set your mind on getting through this. God bless us and keep us strong and safe because we have plenty to look forward to. Good people always do! :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2010): Get out now. It doesn't matter what excuse the men here post. The bottom line is, your husband is addicted to pornography and sex. This has nothing to do with you. He doesn't want you. He wants whores.
Trust me. I should know. I've spent eighteen years of marriage by my husband's side, while he "attempted" to fight this demon. There is no way out.
My husband recently dropped dead, and I couldn't be happier. For the first time in a very long time I feel free. I no longer have to wonder when the next punch to my gut is coming. It is over. No more smut. No more anger. No more deceit. I deserve better, and I intend to be cherished next time around.
I'd suggest you take a good hard look at your girls. Kids are perceptive. Eventually, they'll know. Set a good example. You deserve more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2010): I hope that all worked out for you Sarah. Generally I would advise going the route of NOT confronting the husband myself and instead taking the kids and leaving the home on the same day he is served with a request to himself leave the home so that wife and kids can return + a request to start the procedure of dividing the finances. Men will panic if you hit them with power from the beginning - they'll consent to counseling, ect. to save their family. On the other hand, if you confront him on your own? Lies, lies and more lies. "You're crazy", blah, blah, blah. Enter the fight for your marriage swinging HARD and SMART. PS- "Escorts"- total loser scum hags. How low can you go - having sex with strangers, fat men, old men, men with sexually transmitted diseases, men with little children or newborns at home, men with wives who adore them and love the thought of being their one and only. And I second the other poster's observance that "Once a whore, always a whore." May God protect your children from ever finding out what filth they have for a mother.
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A
female
reader, Raisingthebar +, writes (16 September 2010):
I was devasted at first too. I have two young daughters and can't believe their father is such a pig!
Heed this advice - gather evidence and get the "f" out!
That's what I am doing. I will NOT be the wife of a cheater. I do not deserve this betrayal and HE does not deserve ME. The skanky escorts can have my sloppy seconds, but they are not getting one more dime from me.
This man has ruined my life financially and I am taking my life back.
Sorry husbands who think you can reap the benefits of having a loving wife and mother of your children in your cozy comfy home and then finagle with whores - you can't have both in my world.
I am getting OUT and will never look back.
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A
female
reader, aela +, writes (16 August 2010):
 This post is rather old but it keeps receiving so many updates and answers. It seems to pop up after an internet engine search so I must ask....anyone who was or is in this situation, the husband and escort situation (since there appears to be many), what was the outcome? I see only one update from a woman who did leave her husband.
Anyone out there have a husband who has been dating girls yet has not gone all the way? Also, anyone go to therapy and did it work? Just really curious.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Women not putting effort into sex is breaking the contract. The man tries to understand and tolerates it, but the woman keeps cutting back on the sex. When a relationship first starts, the sex is great, but she will cut is back or stop completely.
Since it is the woman who stopped the sex first, and thus broke the contract, she is at fault, and no holier-than-thou excuse will erase this. She promised pussy, but she is not delivering.
Then to see that 3 to 10% of children born are not to the husband, but some other guy. Woman have no moral high ground to take! You are putting it out anyway, but not at home, so what are you crying about?
A swinging or open marriage is the way to go, everyone gets what they want. ANd it goes with human nature.
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A
female
reader, FRIDAYS CHILD +, writes (11 August 2010):
Hi all...So sad to hear all of you girls having same problem. Have been reading sll of your posts and my heart just sinks. So similar. So sad. I've been with this man for 30 years. Looking back, I have had many problems with him and his use of porn, phone sex ect. When I would confront him in the past about his activities, he would laugh atme, telling me that I was insecure, that it was my imagination. I would always have to tell him how bad it wasw making me feel, like he didn't want ME. That he was making me feel bad about myself and our marriage...he just kept doing it because he didn't think it was wrong. When I found out about his visits to prostitutes, the massage spas, whatever, he blamed it on me, saying it was my fault for making him not feel wanted and or loved. ONE of the excuses he gave, was that after a strefull day at work, he wanted to come home and have me "get down there and don't come up until I say". So I tried doing that...only to have him be turned off! He says that I don't "do it right" and doesn't understand why all of the sudden I want to give him a BJ !!! What the F#** !!!? He says that he has always had difficulty in that area. Yet, in the past,when I would do this for him ( before I found out about all of the other GIRLS), he liked it and had NO PROBLEM. Now it's a problem!? I have tried helping him, just seems to me that he is only concerned about one thing. Since finding out what he is about, I again explained how his past actions lead us to all of these problems, how his use of porn, phone sex, hotel reseipts caused all of these problems in our past and that by staying up after I had gone to bed to be with his "online friends" instead of coming to bed with his wife had pretty much killed our marriage. O.K....All of that aside, after catching him with the prostitutes and trying to "help" him I found he was doing it again! I confronted him the next night when he said he wasn't tired and that he was going to stay up. I said..."guess you would rather stay up and f##* your online girls than to come to bed with me. He was mad! After blaming me for all of his shit...and give me that as an excuse, he's going there again???! That's when he let me know just how important porn was to him...more than the marriage. He will fight to the death to keep his porn! Saying that all men do it. I told him that may be true but when the porn and MB is more important than your wifes feelings, the marriage, finances ect...there is a problem. He was ready to get a divorce at that point until he realised that I would be retaing my own attorney and not just coming to an agreable settlement, he decided he wanted to stay married. Our marriage sucks now! Though he says he gets how he has made me feel over the years with all of his shit (cause I have had to beat him over the head to make him get it) He really doesn't get it. I basically have been getting "lip service" all this time. He has gotten away with so much for so long, why would he change now? He has told so many lies over the years and even more over the past 2 years since I found out what he really is. Now it is on me to make him happy?!! I would give anything to have realised just how much a problem this all was going to be for me in my future. I wish he had told me years ago when we would argue over the porn, ect. He just let it go, lying to keep doing what he wanted and now he has totally fu#%*% everything and thinks it should be on me. As he always tells me..."I didn't get here by myself". I did tell him time after time how his actions were killing our relationship but he thought it was funny and just kept doing it. Since
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female
reader, FRIDAYS CHILD +, writes (10 August 2010):
Ooops...my post got cut short! I was going on to say, that my husbands excuses / reasons for doing the things he has done in our marriage...well, that's a whole other thing. I would need to start my own page just for the excuses I have heard! The thing is... after I found out about the prostitutes & massage halls...I was told EVERY excuse imagineable. I initially was told he was just under sooo much stress,that I never wanted to do "it" with him, that he was molested by his Priest when he was a boy, that he had a "problem", that he didn't have a "problem". He recently told me that he did what he did, simply because he could. I've been told A LOT of things but things don't always seem to add up and I still catch him in lies about some of his past excuses. Our problem "seemed" to start early in our marriage of 30 years. I will try to be brief but there is just so much. My husband claims he did what he did because I never seemed interested in him sexually (which is so not true) I had issues with my husband early with porn, phone sex & hotel reseipts. When I would tell him how bad he was making me feel... he would laugh at me, promise not to do it again, say he wasn't doing anything wrong. This went on over the years, until I found out about the prostitutes. You can well imagine the arguements?! I have tried many things since. I initially was going to leave the marriage. He begged me to stay, saying he was "sick". It soon became apparent that he really didn't think what he had done was really all that bad. He ended up going to jail and was court ordred to therapy. He claims he likes his Therapist but it has recently been said of his once a month visit, that he and his Therapist mostly talk about sports & work. I tried to explain to my husband how his use of porn, phone sex and hsi chatting with 20 year old girls was making me feel, like he didn't want me. He just kept doing it over our 30 years. He recently told me that he started using the prostitutes because of an arguement about him chatting up 20 year old girls. I found the pics she had sent him and was really upset. Again, till this day, he says he was doing nothing wrong. He recently told me that is when he started using these girls. He said I had accused him of this thing and he figured "I'll show her" and went to a prostiute. But, then I find out and look back, no... He'd been doing it before then. I tried being & doing all of the things he says he wants or wanted. He did tell me after I had first found out about his antics, that I would never give him a BJ. That when he came home from a bad day at work, he expected thatI "get down there & don't come up till I say" & "I'll do the same for you". So, in trying to give him what he says he wants...Now, he doesn't want me to do those things. Infact, I was jsut recently asked why I was so interested in giving him a BJ???! He doesn't like it when I do it & infact, I was recently told that I don't do it right and that he did like the way the young girls did him. I since have done all of the "right" things. I dress pretty hip /sexy and I flirt with him, though he doesn't "get it". The only time I get sex is when HE is horny...it's not me making him that way. All of the sudden he's not interested, he has a headache, is tired, watching sports, yet since the "big blow up" 2 years ago when I found out just what he was doing, I again have him online with his porn, deffending it to the death. Infact, so much so, that he ws willing to divorce over it! Every man does it were his words but when I try explaing how it was more or less the begining of all of our problems, he doesn't see it that way. Though he says he won't do it again. I am growing very tired in all of this and have considered leaving many times since all of this has come out. I feel as
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female
reader, FRIDAYS CHILD +, writes (9 August 2010):
Guess I don't really have an answer for any of you out there in this situation. I found out two years ago (on my 50th Birthday) that my husband of 30 years had been seeing prostitutes regularly soon after we were together. My husband is a good husband, or at least I thought he was but looking back on our 30 years together, there have been many problems involving porn, phone sex, hotel receipts that I would find and finally, two years ago, my bank called to alert me of some charges that had been put on our joint charge card...Bad Girls Escort service and a really nice hotel room! I soon found that he had been doing this all along. Over our years together, we would fight over the porn, phone sex, hotel receipts when I would catch him but he always had a way out. Until I found out about the girls at the massage spas and the other prostitutes. My husband has given MANY reasons / excuses why he has done the things he has. And probably like a lot of you, tried blaming you for his actions. Some day, when
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Everyone seems to be taking an either or stance here and this limits your understanding. Every relationship works both ways, each partner must be putting in 100% all the time so that if one partner can't step up for some reason, the other has all the bases covered. Whether these be sexual, emotional, physical...it doesn't matter. So if one partner ends up cheating, it is part their fault and part the fault of their partner. I know this sounds tough, but the most subtle emotional or physical changes in an intimate relationship can have devastating effects for the other partner. The benefit of this understanding is that when the problem is uncovered, BOTH partners humbly take some responsibility and work together to solve it. Having a massive confrontation, break up, kick out and the emotional rollercoster that follows is not healthy and will not ensure that your next relationship or your partner's next relationship is any better than the current one. This is why so many people state 'Oh I ALWAYS go for the wrong ones'. They never sort through their relationship issues properly!! But this advice only applies if you are married. Both partners make vows when they get married, usually along the lines of 'for better or for worse'...the better is easy as, the worse...most partner's run when they discover their partner has been unfaithful. Why not remove yourself from the statistics and try to make your marriage work? Seeing as you both agreed to get married in the first place? You are both adults and both have some responsibility to try to work things out. For those who aren't married. Cheating is not worth working through and I agree with all those who have stated:
IF YOU THINK (AND REALLY YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW) YOU WILL NEED MORE SEX THAN YOUR PARTNER CAN SUPPLY, TELL THEM BEFORE THE RELATIONSHIP GETS SERIOUS.
If your sex drive cannot be contained within a normal relationship, don't get into one. And do not just try to 'keep up appearances' by doing what's socially acceptable and have a long term relationship or get married. It's not fair to your partner to hide your high sex drive in the early stages of the relationship and blame them for your cheating, when the relationship settles down a bit and you find you need more sex than they're willing to supply. This is what cowards do and whether you be a cheating man or a cheating woman, that is what you are...a coward.
To the victims...put your current emotions aside and try to figure out where you want your life to go. You can read all the advice you like, but at the end of the day it's YOUR decision. The sooner you make it, the sooner you can work towards your goals.
To the cowards...put YOUR current emotions aside too and try to see your behaviour from the point of view of those who rely on your for love and support. You can rationalise your behaviour all you like, but at the end of the day...your definition of 'love' is a false one and you have been lying to those who think you love them. They do not deserve this. Either leave or change.
From someone who has been both a victim and a coward, I speak from experience to say that unless you get to the bottom of your relationship problems, you will find these problems follow you to the next one and the next...and that is a bloody big waste of time!
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reader, unknownguy +, writes (2 July 2010):
Now and again I read sites to see why other people use escorts. As a man who has been in a 10+ year married relationship I am curious why other men also use them. I will give you my perspective as my wife is much like you and has no idea of my "Hobby". I first began using escorts when going through a difficult time in our relationship. We were fighting, my self esteme was low, she was using sex as leverage and I was depressed. I was seriously contemplating ending my marriage. I visited a beautiful escort secretly while on a business trip and it was an mental ego boost. I know it was artificial but I felt strong and great again! On and off I have been using escorts for the majority of our marriage. OK, at this point most of you are thinking I am a slime ball and there is SOME truth to this. However, life is cause and effect. I only visit escorts when my wife denies me affection and love for weeks at a time. Women should start viewing their "denial of affection" with the same hatred as "Cheating". They are equivalent in my opinion. Where one is quick death the other is dealth by 100 cuts. Both lead to the same dark place.
OK, now that that has been said the question arises, "Why don't you just leave your wife". This is the heart of the matter isn't it!!! Why the hell don't cheating men just leave their girlfriends and wives. Simple...the grass is NOT greener on the other side. I mean these "Diamonds in The Ruff" are simply that HARD TO FIND! All the psychology stats say that even when women are into their spouses their sexual desire dwindles over the years and they grow colder. I know this is unintentional but it happens with most relatioships. However, most men (me included) could go for it many times a week easy! This is the foundation of my point... As a man, I am wise enough to know that berating my wife for not having sex only leads to less sex. Nobody likes a nag! If I am really nice and helpful it only increases my sex frequency slightly. All that said women are only human and when they are stressed (and women are highly charged emotional beasts) they simply do not want to have sex much and women are stressed often. Therefore, how can I mantain 1) my sanity 2) My relationship 3) my standard of living 4) my family 5) the "Great Peace" of my household 6) quench my sexual desire now and again and 7) Put on a supportive non-resentful face for my wife. The answer is easy...ESCORTS. I do not want to try and replace my wife because I know that it will simply be the same. Hot at first then colder after a few years. My wife and I talk often. We have a great relationship in all areas except sex. I think she is a gem and worth loving. Despite her lack of affection and sexual desire.
What a long winded way to say that if you do not fulfill this criticial part of your relationship your husband will eventually fulfill it else where. Don't be surprised as history shows us this is common. Famous men, great men, and religious men throughout history have sought love and affection with other women when they do not get it at home. If you choose to be unloving then be prepared for the consequences because you will have caused them!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2010): Honey, I have just been though this, but after 17 years together, I find out he was seeing escorts for the last 2 years. We had sex 4 to 5 times a week, and not just quickies either! So sometimes it's not always about whether or not you are into sex or have a lot of it. In my case it was about his ego trying to stay on top of feelings of worthlessness - i emasculated him, his income was sketchy, I have money and pay all the bills and mothered him too much! The only way to stop this spiral is to put on a brave face, accept reality - it hurts to fight it, find that inner strength to tell him he has to beat it. If you hang around begging and crying YOU WILL get hurt. He will eat you for dinner! Say all the right things, become totally duplicit and lie compulsively to keep it up, like any addict. He can't cheat on you if you kick him out, its the only way to help him as well, as he is an addict. A shock like being thrown out, his whole world changing, is the only way you might have a future together. He is totally self centered, smother that mothering instinct and see this for what it is. It's hard but you know you don't want to live in fear for the years to come that should be happy ones, you deserve it for yourself. You are born alone, you die alone, you cannot force any other person to walk the path with you honey. Good luck.
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male
reader, jonson37 +, writes (29 March 2010):
Ladies...why do men use escorts. If you do not get it at home you will go look elsewhere. Once a month is not enough. Once a week is borderline. So if you look back and see skipped months. Worry. You are not sticking to the marraige agreement.
Will a handjob in the morning really put you out? We men love you and do not want to leave you. So we begs and beg for sex. Untill we give up. Then we goe through the denial stage. I can do without. But when it has gone long enough. A plan must be made. So ladies. You can only blame yourselves in most cases.
this is very true. I know of family pets that get more loving, stroking, and petting than most husbands married longer than 4 years.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2010): What you could do is discuss a story a about someone using callgirl services and how it has ended in his divorce.
Try to be more with him, go for a vacation.
If needed talk about your suspicions and tell him how uneasy you feel about it
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Was reading this thread and just wanted to comment. I can't speak for all men because like women everyone's different. I read were one girl asked.
My husband and I have sex 3-4 times a week and he still cheated?
Ser,iously if thats the case, hes just a freak. I have been married for 6 years and I have browsed the internet ads a few times but never followed through. My own experience is because sometimes my wife litteraly cuts me off basically from alot of the fun stuff we used to do. She has told me she still likes having sex with me, but just not as much and that I dwell on it to much. Seriously we might if I am lucky have sex once a week, and thats after being rejected after 4-5 previous attempts with her.
When we go at it, it is intense and we both are sexually starved by that point. I have brought the subject up numerous times about wanting more sex, and how I miss just the little things we used to do. She just isn't as interested in it as she used to be. That being said, I still haven't made that phone call and still hoping things turn around.
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female
reader, roseofheaven +, writes (1 March 2010):
I feel for you, you have to remember you are a survivor, dump his butt....he will never be the same ever!!!trust me...his fantasy will be with that whore$$$ do you deservet that ??? of course not!!!!you deserve better
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): Hi My partner also contacts escorts.I have no definitive proof that he has been with any since we have been together. I have found numbers and internet sites that suggest he might. He also lived with a girl that was an escort and another that was in porn movies.It is destroying my self confidence.He loves watching the film Pretty Woman.And it is clear that he finds it hard to seperate fantasy from reality.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): I think there is so much wrong in marriage. For the women:The wives can get unhappy. They can withhold sex because they feel it is their only leverage. I think it is so wrong. If he is horny, just give him a BJ or bend over. Wives just do what you need to do in the room. For the men:It is just wrong going to the escort. I know life gets lonely, and you feel like you are walking on eggshells, but it is not worth risking your family. If you are that desperate, get a lapdance or go to a clean Asian massage (only happy-ending).
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): I found out 9 months ago, my husband of 32years had been using prostitutes for 20+ of those years! I am devisteated, I hadnt a clue! He was my dependable, loving if somewhat boring husband. He was my world, my yesterday, my today, my day after too. He was my safe harbour.
All I can say to the young woman is to demand your husband owns up to his behaviour & seekes councelling imeadiatly. He will not stop unless you confront him now. He will develop a double life, a life he will compartmentalise as "nothing to do with you!" He will feel no guilt or shame, as that part of him is sooo seperate from reality.
Confront him NOW!!!
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female
reader, cnorris95 +, writes (3 January 2010):
Give me a break. You men that have responded are sick, F***ing cowards...and I can't even call you men...just little boys that are self-absorbed and self-indulgent. If you want to play the field and have sex with prostitutes...then do it!! Don't involve others....don't get married...don't have children. The scars that your 'playing around' (just because you're a 'guy') has on others is DEVASTATING. It ruins people lives. If you are so immature and idiotic...and don't give a shit about the people you love (and this includes parents, parents-in-law, children, brothers, sisters, etc---the whole f-ing family....not just you and your precious dick!!!!) then do us all a favor....and stay single!! Don't make a promise you can't keep! If you truly desire to have sex with many different women...then do it!!! None of us care!!! But don't lie. Have some integrity and honor. Don't marry us. You deserve to live the life you want...and so do we... so give us the respect and honor we deserve...and DON'T LIE TO US AND PROMOSE TO NEVER TO CHEAT ON US!!! Really----if we thought you were going to lie and cheat on us...we never would have maried you in the first place....We would have had our own fling with you and then thrown you back into the shit pile where you belong in the first place. you seem to think that you are the KING and we are just here to service you...but you are SO wrong. You will see that when you are in your 70's-80's and are a sad, lonely, ugly, sagging old man...and you have nothing but a cheap whore to blow you on x-mas day....and no loving wife/kids are there to share your memories. YOU are pathetic...and I pity you...and these sick , ridiculous excuses are shameful.P.S. My own pathetic husband did this with at least 9 "escorts". We are still together because of the kids...but nothing will ever be the same...He wants to be back 100% in the marriage...but I can't even tell him I love him. It's disgusting. He has ruined a marriage AND 2 children's sense of well-being. He is a sad excuse for a man and he knows it. I only hope my son will not follow his disgusting lifestyle...and hope --more --that my 10 yr old daughter doesn't find this to be an acceptable way of life (since her dad seems to endorse it)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): My trust is irrepairably broken. I've caught him 4 x now.
He swears he's just looking @ internet porn like "typical men". Escort web sites are not the same as regular porn sites, esp when you see you spouse looking @ local areas for local women. So pathetic. I will be leaving. He doesn't know when or how, but I WILL BE LEAVING. Repulsive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): I am a single mum of four beautiful girls. My husband that I (still) love very much lied and deceived me for over ten years before I found the explicit truth about his visitations to prostitutes. I would have given him everything and for those of you who would say I obviously wasn't putting out, well it was him who wasn't putting out, well, to me anyway. My husbands behaviour destroyed my soul. I gave him everything, including four beautiful daughters. He took everything and gave me nothing in return. For all of the escorts, call girls, whores or whatever you may want to call yourselves, yes, it may just be sex that he is paying for and you are giving him, but for those of us left behind to flounder in the aftermath of the lies, deception, bewilderment, devastation, soul destroying transactions between the two, I would never wish what I live every day is ever bestowed upon you. My life has been destroyed and indirectly, so have my daughters. I will never love, trust or respect another man ever!!!!! Please spare a thought for women like me who invest everything in a man only to find he never had the integrity or honestly to admit there was another side to their personality that would potentially destroy lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2009): It is so annoying to me to read the real pain that these woman are going through and then read that most of the men who responded blame the woman for their inability to remain faithful. IT IS NOT THE WOMANS FAULT FOR ANY REASON! I love reading from the hookers and men that if the wife would have sex more often it wouldn't lead to this, seriously? What woman in her right mind would continue to sleep with her husband when he is having sex with hookers? That's like asking can I have an STD please. I ask for many things but unfaithfulness, selfishness and a lack of commitment to marriage is nothing anyone wants in a life partner. This type of behaviour is very destructive not only for the marriage but also everyone else involved. The man himself obviously has deep issues around sexuality and commitment and probably self esteem if he needs to pay for sex. The hooker, escort, whatever they are, was probably molested or raped by daddy and has no idea how to accept or receive love in a healthy way and these men who use them just reinforce this in them. And finally the poor wife is at home usually with kids wondering why she isn't good enough in whatever way her stupid husband wants to justify himself with. No one wins in a situation like this. Why get married and have a committed relationship if you want to be with others? What's the point? There is no need to hurt the person you claim to love so much. These men are not going to change, not for you, not for their families, not even for themselves. No reason to let some jerk control how you feel and how you live based on his sexual desires.
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reader, Love4Life +, writes (21 April 2009):
 I want you to ask yourself one question...Are you afraid of being single or just losing him. The subject is very sensitive. If you intercepted his call and saw a should we meet. I would confront him as soon as possible. If he hasn't met her their is a good chance he hasn't cheated. If you talk to him be honest and find he hasn't met this woman. I would then try to see what he's lacking. Some of us men have fantasies were afraid to talk about and are afraid our spouses wont be interested in trying. If this is the case try to be open to new bedroom activities to save your marriage. If he has cheated he has broken his covenant with you and you have to decide whether or not to work through this and find why it happened... but be forewarned the trust you have together has been damaged and trust is a key in a long and peaceful relationship. My opinion is once that trust is broken its hard to ever trust that person again and can lead to many nights wondering is he cheating... why is he working late tonight... and peace of mind is out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I'm trying to figure out these less than 1 minute phone calls to escort service on my husbands phone. How does it work?
( he lies so I can't ask him)
(20 year marriage, great sex & oral sex & I'm in great shape!)
I travel with my job yes - don't know if it's worth destroying all the good things. My self esteem is in tact(pretty much) cause I understand it's not about me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): One other point I should have made. Yes escorts are quite expensive, but not as expensive as having a girlfriend, and a lot cheaper than having a wife!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): Just to put another slant on this, I'm a 46 year old recently divorced man. I was married for 20 years, but my wife decided that she wasn't happy and that was the end of the marriage. For the last 5 years we didn't have sex, even though I did my best, I tried to be romantic, with candle lit dinners and I tried to discuss it with her, but nothing worked. Now she is gone I am living on my own. I have no desire to get emotionally involved with another woman, once bitten etc. Don't get me wrong, I love women. Many of my best friends are women and I can talk to them a lot easier than I can talk to most men. I just don't want the commitment of having any kind of emotional relationship.So I need to get sex elsewhere. I use escorts on a fairly regular basis. They're perfect for me because they don't want to get emotionally involved, I can have sex with much younger women than I would be likely to meet, and when they're gone I can get on with my life, and do things which I want to do, rather than having to compromise with some emotionally attached woman.I never cheated once on my wife by the way, I've only started using escorts since she's been gone. What I can say without hesitation is, life is good now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): ...To continue the story:
In order to build up my shattered self esteem, the relationship ended, and believe me, it was painful. What helped me a lot was, picturing him in his white shirt and (dyed) black hair, running about with his attache looking for a little action. The vision makes me laugh and I realize I just don't want to be associated with a man like that!
I am still licking my wounds, but now, a least I have a great after dinner story to tell those that care about me, and they howl with laughter.
All the best to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I can feel your pain! Let me tell you a funny story. I have been going out with a man for four years, practically living with him for the last two. Early on he would sometimes show up with a "special briefcase" which contained some "toys" that made me wonder a bit about him.Now here is the funny part:About a year ago I started noticing that the briefcase was changing position in his closet and one day it had disappeared altogeher. Worries started creeping in because he was certainly not using it with me. It was a bit of a shock.The main concern was that I might be vulnurable to catching something nasty, so I started moving and changing things around in the briefcase,and then quietly kept an eye on it to see how much activity it was getting.Talk about heartbreak! When asked about it , he told me it was none of my business. (you bet it was!)Then the briefcase disappeared altogether.I am not proud of what happened next, but in order to protect my health,I started tracking his phone numbers. There were certain days that for some reason made me feel uneasy and sure enough this number would appear.Now there's almost nothing you can't find on the internet these days. The number belonged to an exotic escort named April. The reality if this took some time to sink in, and I didn't have a clue what to do, who to talk to, and how to approach my partner, so this is what I did...She leaves a certain message on her answering machine and mimiking her voice, I left the exact same message on mine. One time, when my boyfriend called, I didn't answer, so he got the message. Confused, he thought he called the wrong number and responded with "call Elvis" (that is NOT his name). When I phoned him later, his voice was shaking. The cat was out the bag!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I too have found out my husband has used prostitutes many times. We've been married for 11 years, together for twenty. I just don't know if I can ever look at him the same way again and it scares me to death. He says the problem is his, nothing to do with me. He's seeing a therapist and now I am going myself as well. I need help dealing with this. I feel like my whole sexuality has been scarred because everytime I think of sex, I picture him with these other women. It didn't help that I found out by reading his "reviews" of escorts on the erotic review website. I got to read some actual details and it was devastating. He's committed to making our marriage work, and I am just so not trusting and don't know if I can ever trust again. Hopefully therapy can help me. And to top it all off I am six months pregnant with our third child. I feel so trapped and don't want my kids not to have their dad. They love him so much. I feel your pain and don't wish this upon any woman. Be careful ladies, it is so easy for men to hire escorts, especially with the internet providing so many services.
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female
reader, Trab +, writes (4 February 2009):
I am in the same shoes as the many other women on this page. My boyfriend through 7 years has been seeing call girls. I found out last summer after one of his business trips to Dubai. I know of at least 3 times where it has happened, but am almost certain it has happened more. I found out through his phone and on his email. Snooping is not something I like to do (I am not proud of my actions), but I got suspicious - and obviously for a good reason. I confronted him instantly. Of course he got furious with me for looking at his email and phone and said I was the one who had done something wrong, not him. Though he is not the one to admit it, I do think he feel ashamed and regret his actions. I am certain it has not happened since, but am still not assured it will not happen again. He says it will not. I forgave him, though it is still on my mind at times, and I still do not fully trust him.FOR THE MEN: I recognize the answers provided by the men on this site, but I honestly don't see the validity in many of them, and don't see how they justify the situation. I would like to hear a man respond to the following:1. I understand that when a woman gains weight, start refusing sex, or stop taking care of herself it can be a turn-off and difficult. But, I have had sex with my boyfriend 3-4 times a week when he is home, I've improved my looks while we been together. I'm young (28, he's 48), very pretty, highly educated and successful, and could have my pick of any man. So, if your justification is weight gain, refusal of sex etc. what the H... is the reason when those are not present?2. Don't fool yourself by saying that high-class call girls do not carry illnesses. fact is, anyone who has a lot of sex with 100s of different partners increase their chances of disease. Your chances are none the less. Get tested, just think of what you may bring home to your children.3. OK, let's say we agree that it's OK for you to play around. Why is it OK for men, and not women? As one woman stated if she did the same, her man would go nuts. And, in my case, my boyfriend go nuts if I simply go out for a drink with my girlfriends.4. To fantasize is one thing, but to act is another. We women think of other men as well, but we don't act on it, because if we do, we are whores, cheap etc. Well, to you manwhores out there that can keep your D... in you pants, get some dignity.5. Many of you have children (girls). Imagine if the man that they are with when they get older do the same. Would you accept any man doing that to you little girl. My boyfriend has two daughters (9 and 11). He admitted that he would hate any man that did the same to his daughters. Would YOU be OK with some man who married YOUR daughter did the same? (remember, don't say it's OK until you can stand by you answer in all cases).Some advice to men who read this:1. If you want to get call girls, don't marry, and don't start relationships. Spend your money on call girls if that satisfies you. If you still want to feel the security and comfort of a relationship, be sure that you can stay away from call girls FIRST. Don't toy with people's feelings.2. You are at greater risk of getting diseases, so get tested before you even think of sex with who you have at home once you've been with someone else. Think of what you may bring home to your kids and wife/girl friend.3. If you feel sex is lacking in your relationship or getting boring. How about talking to your girlfriend. Maybe she feels the same way. Either way, in most cases she would probably like to work with you to make things better.4. If sex is getting low, it may be related to our self esteem. When I found out my boyfriend had been seeing call girls my self esteem hit rock bottom, and for a long time I was not the same in bed. Even then I didn't refuse him, but it was not comfortable for me, and it took me a loooong time to get back into it. If you want to gain that hot and steamy sexlife back. Make us feel sexy and wanted outside the bedroom, not only in the bedroom. We don't like to be treated like call girls and whores who only are there for sex purposes. Shower us with complements. Trust me, it will pay off in the bedroom.5. If you think of cheating or getting call girls. Break it off with who you have at home first. It is not fair to her.6. Calling it an addiction is just a stupid excuse. It is not accepted and not OK. So, again, if you wanna do it, don't start a relationship with a real woman.FOR CALL GIRLS:1. What you do can never be justified. You can call your self high-level escorts, luxury call-girls, hostesses etc. But, you will always be a whore, even if you are taking an education.2. You absolutely don't destroy marriages, I agree, the men who choose to call you do. However, you do help in destroying other women's self esteem, hurt their feelings etc. 3. Would you be OK with your boyfriend F...... other girls and going out with them, spending money on them? Like with the men, don't say yes unless you really can stand by your answer. Don't say yes because you feel it will justifies your work.4. Other women are NOT jealous of you. You are NO better than them. And, in many cases, you DO NOT provide something the men can't get at home.
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reader, bitch +, writes (7 January 2009):
My husband confided in me after 17 years of marriage that he had seen prostitutes on and off for sex. He doesn't consider this cheating since it is just sex and not emotional at all. I consider it cheating and want a divorce. Is this cheating???? I believe in all my heart that if I came home and told him I paid some guy to give me head he would be irate and hysterical and say I cheated. So what is the difference? I think men who use prostitutes have emotional issues and probably cannot be emotionally intimate with their wives causing a disrupt in the relationship. I am getting a divorce and he is devastated as am I. Can anybody relate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Oh, my husband sees escorts alright. We have been married 6 yrs and have 2 beautiful sons. It has nothing to do with my weight or the amount we have sex. He has actually turned me down a few times. I don't give a crap. I know plenty of men that would think he's completely nuts. What eat at me is that he gets attached to them. I know of at least two ladies that he has borderline stalked since we have been together. I established a rapport with one of them as someone elseto get the details. Apparently, he bought her a car and all kinds of crap. I am not sure when he was getting away to see her. According to her, she doesn't respond to him because he was stalking her. Something so seriously freaking wrong here. I suppose I will stay put, wear condoms, and go to graduate school and maybe I will have a PhD by the time the s*it hits the fan.
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reader, Jayjay113 +, writes (9 November 2008):
Am 23 and has just found out my husband has been sleeping with prostitutes 'escorts' for two years. We've been married for six mths now but weeks before our wedding I noticed from his bank statements that he was withdrawing similar amounts of money(about £70)several times a month. When I first discovered this and asked him he claimed he had lent the money to his friend, then I noticed a pattern: The withdrawal was about the same time of day each time, just after he'd finished work. His response was that he was gambling (I didnt believe it). I promised to cancell the wedding if he didnt tell me the truth and even spoke to his mother about it. She then spoke to him and of course beleived him saying she was disappointed but had every faith he wouldnt do it again. Two months after our wedding, after checking his bankstatements these £60-£70 wer still coming out and after confronting him, he again said he still had a gambling problem but would fix it. I insisted on being presented with a copy of all the transactions on his account and he suggested adding me to the account. The withdrawals stopped but I wanted to know the truth about what the money was for so after nagging him for months he cracked, told me what happened, that he'll never do it again and that he loved me and had stopped because he wasnt proud of himself, he cried and begged, he said he wanted to stop without hurting me an his family (Who were devasted as well) which is why he lied. But I cant get over it! He married me knowing he was keeping this awful secret, Ive never been unfaithful to him since our 6 years together (Its not like I wouldnt enjoy or have fantasies of bedding some hot guy), women have the same needs. Whats happen to being loyal? He was my best friend, weve been through so much, weve shared so much and acheived so much together and he risked it all...I want to move on, away from him. The thought of him having sex with these sluts is utterly devastating!!! I thought our life was great, he said it was which makes it so much harder to understand. ITS DIFFICULT
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2008): The whole institution of marriage is based on a lie and when people are no longer able to play along with the lie somebody is 'devastated.' The reality is that a man is perfectly capable of loving one woman but ALL straight men want to have sex with as many women as they can even if they are only in love with one of them. Call girls and escorts have saved a hundred times more marriages than they have broken up because most men are never caught. Secretaries and female colleagues have broken up more homes than escorts ever will. I even think men enter into marriage honestly buying into the lie themselves. So you and society can call him scum of the earth and 'cheater' and everything else but who are you going to run to? The new 'nice man' will want to do the same thing in five years. Your pastor or therapist is mostly likely doing it already. There is sex that is part of love and there is sex for the sake of sex. The prospect that sex can only be a part of a committed loving relationship is religious BS that is responsible for centuries of needless psychological torture. As far as the old saw about diseases, the risk is always there but diseases track closely with demographics that are not typical of professional escorts and their clients. You can try and muddle things by lumping them together with streetwalkers and crack hos but that is only to make you feel better. It does not reflect reality.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): it must be heartbreaking, and don't imagine it's not heartbreaking for your man as well. Who wants the indignity of having their secret world uncovered or to be accused of betrayal - infidelity and so on. We're not that bad. The problem is that men are forced to lie from the get go, and it's women that make them lie. The truth is that all men screw around and if they don't, they wish they could. But to get a girlfriend or a relationship or to keep it going they have to play this pretend game of 'you are the one and only'. Casual sex doesn't mean a thing - it's just something we need to do - it's a basic drive and women should come out of the fairy princess world and accept that we just need to conquer as much as women need to nurture. We're not monks, we're monkeys. accept it and let it go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2008): Sorry to hear about your situation. I actually used to work as an escort, and most of my clients were married. I think women don't realize how common it is for males to visit escorts. I doubt it even has anything to do with you, most of my clients would tell me that they are in happy marriages. I think men just crave variety, or sometimes its because they aren't getting enough sex at home.
I really don't think its worth getting a divorce over. Men are simply seeing escorts for sex, its not like he's in love with them. Also, its unlikely that he would have contracted an STD if the girl is a higher end call girl. She likely gets tested often and would not have sex unprotected. I think the only issue would be how much money he is spending on escorts.
Hope things work out for you.
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reader, disappointedwoman +, writes (29 August 2008):
I just want to reiterate...calling cheating a sex addiction doesn't make it a disease. Below is a really great quote from Abe Lincoln that is directly applicable to these cheating jerks and their claims that they can't help it because they are addicts: If you call a tail a leg, how many legs does a dog have?It’s four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it one.
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reader, disappointedwoman +, writes (29 August 2008):
My advice to all women going through this is GATHER EVIDENCE!!!! Most women just freak out and confront the guy..and he erases all the evidence of his behavior, and then denies doing it. Also, don't have sex with him again after you find out, because if you choose to divorce him, any infidelity that occurred before that is considered a non-issue. You are considered as "reconciled" and you can't file a divorce on the grounds of infidelity based on anything he did prior to the "reconciliation."
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reader, disappointedwoman +, writes (29 August 2008):
I have been in your shoes. It took me over a year to get get over the shock and file for divorce. My husband has practically bankrupted us with what he calls his "hobby". Anybody who wants to privately email about this, please feel free to email me at [moderator's note: please abstain from including personal information] There is such a huge underground subculture of men who do this and convince themselves that they aren't really cheating because there isn't any emotion involved. Get real, guys. There is a d**k involved, so it is still cheating!!!! Sorry to be profane, but it is so irritating how men can fool themselves. I really want to talk to other women about this because whenever I tell friends what my husband did, I feel like a circus freak with a very entertaining story. They can't relate....who could? Thanks, D
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): My girlfriend wanted me to have a prostitute to "spice up" our sex lives. It turned her on to think of it. She even went and chose the girl for me. I didn't really want to but went along with her wishes.
But then it turned out she really wanted to have a male prostitute herself, also to spice up our relationship. I let her have her male prostitute and she loved it. Unfortunately it only made me feel depressed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): My husband always kept me on tight budget while secretly paying escorts 300 plus. One time early in our marraige, he kissed me and his breath smelled like someones ass. When he left his work after 30 years, I stumbled across a huge list of escorts and their particulars. He even had a false name "john brooks" and aan escort acct with handle "blondlover". He had an ad in friendfinder and says his wife is hot. I used to never refuse him sex but it is really hard to have it with him now. I guess I am now retired by him as a sexual haven. Found porn tape in his drawer the other day and placed it in spot he would know he didn't put it. Nothing I do helps and he has never been broken before God and me for this although he did cry. He cried the first time I found out but hasn't changed his behavior. I feel so lonely and betrayed. I deeply love him and knows he doesn't love me. I am beautiful and trim. Very sexy to all but him. I give up!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): Recently I too found out that my boyfriend of 1 yr
had been contacting escorts services online. Of course he has denied ever going threw with it. But I know all to well and I'm not a trusting person (which he knows) and barley trust myself. So I feel like he is lying. Even though he tells me that our relationship is perfect and has no reason to be doing that. Well then last week he was away on business and I came across a wrong hotel receipt someone elses name on the receipt so I called to get the correct one faxed and low and behold escort numbers on his hotel bill. So I confront him again and he came up with a quick answer that a coworker not staying at his hotel used his room while he was working in the hotel convention room down below. The co-worker needed to use his room to make phone calls... how stupid does he think i am.... not to mention he called 2 numbers twice at 20 mins a time. So I googled the numbers but didnt bother calling because they are going to protect their "client" So now I decided that if I come across anything else... we are over. I know now that he has been calling these services long before I came around and trust me...I can do anything an escort "callgirl" can do! and then some...I am 30 and he is 45 and I give it to him to where he is worn completly the hell out by the time i am done! but at any rate still looks to these services.. unfortunetly i have entered into this relationship where it must be an addiction for him at this point. So knowing this totally x's out how perfect everything seems. I am not innocent by no means but I would never hire and pay $ 400.00 per hr for sex. So the only thing that is giving me the thought of giving him this second chance all though he hasnt admitted to anything is that I have cheated on him. Not saying it makes me feel better. But who wants to live that way..... So I am confused as to what to do in the meantime...the thought of the services always comes up when i am around him. Not healthy at all. I try and dismiss it since I am no saint myself. But wont the next time.. I dont care how great things seem.
Houston, Texas
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2008): As to why men use escorts. If you do not get it at home you will go look elsewhere. And an escort has no strings. So long as you visit the better escorts you will have very low risk of desease. But to all the wifes out there. Once a month is not enough. Once a week is borderline. So if you look back and see skipped months. Worry. You are not sticking to the marraige agreement. But he loves you and do not want to leave you. So he begs and begs. Untill he gives up. Then he goes through the denial stage. I can do without. But when it has gone long enough. A plan must be made. So ladies. You can only blame yourselves in most cases.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Being a "call girl" as you call it. It is sad to say but your husbands cheat because 1. they can. 2. after you get married a lot of wives let themselves go (ie gain weight, don't dress up, all about the kids 3. A lot of wives do not have sex with their husbands. (To the woman who has not had sex with her husband for 20years who did you expect him to do?? Just go without?? How selfish of you) It is not they do not love you and a lot of them still find their wives attractive. but they are men and when a 40year old man can date a 20 year old woman for 300/hr why wouldn't he. Yes his 40 yr old wife may still be attractive, but she doesn't compare to a 20yr old.Oh and 1-2xs a week is not a lot of sex. I am in my 20s and I have sex with my partner at least 9 - 12xs a week. And no one is getting tired of it neither is your husband. My advice is either a) learn to accept it 2) learn to spice up your love life. Loss some weight go to Victoria Secret and get some toys. Spice up your marriage. Find out what his fantasies are and give it to him 2xs a day. And if this doesnot work then you may have a sex addict on your hands and may have to leave your marriage if you can't accept it. Oh and for the gal who said her husb paid 100 for a bj covered.... 100 is pretty low and I doubt he used a condom just like I doubt he used one when he gave her oral. Internet escorts are so of the cleaniest ladies out there. We are advocates of safe sex and many of us are college educated women who value safety. It is safer for him to see an escort than a lady at the bar. Our body is a business and we take darn good care of it.I wish all you ladies the best of luck in your marriages.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Ladies-
I am dealing with a similar issue. HOWEVER, I recently realized that my fear of confronting my husband with this issue was that a)once I left- any other woman would get the man that I never could b) "she" won. I guess that I had to realize that what he was dealing with wasn't a fault of mine- but a void in him, that I could never, no one could ever fill. He has too much pride to admit that he has a problem, and is more comfortable falsely blaming me for his shortcomings. (He told me that made me your feel like I wasn't attractive to cover for the abnormal, inappropriate, and truly unattainable sexual desires.) I struggled for years to cater to what he wanted- and it was never enough. Just realize that you as a person should never compromise who you are, because they have an illness. Sexual addiction is like any other addiction. You can lose yourself trying to cure someone of an addition that they won't even admit to. Yes, a marriage is sacred, but you know if you were denying something that was harmful to your family, you would want your spouse to do anything necessary to protect your kids, or themselves. I always put EVERYONE else before me, but know that if you are not ok- neither are your kids.
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reader, tezz +, writes (12 June 2008):
well ladies i am a man and have been married for 14 years and have two great boys, firstly let me say that cheating on your spouse is wrong! but there could be many reasons for this, here are mine, when my wife and i started our relationship we had great sex all the time, oral and all that you can think of it was great and then we had a baby and got married and the sex was gone! where did the oral go and all the fun left. i then had to beg for sex and it was boring then whoops my second son was born now i was third in line for attention, dont get me wrong i love my family and wouldn't change it for anything. and the kids do need the attention, so years of not getting any well maybe once a month and all of a sudden it turns into well frankly i dont know?? then my wife put on a few pounds and the lights have to be off well no its even more dull, and the flowers and the attention i devote to her still cant change a thing, sexualy she just not into it, well maybe five years ago i was working and a lady i met wanted a bit more from me, i declined as the fear of some other women wreking my life was simply not worth it, it dawned on me that escorts wont fall in love with me and i not with them. now if i see an escort the fustration is taken away and i feel like a man should, as you ladies are aware that men are easy to get and understand we like food and sex, its not complicated if a wife takes care of bussines then this would not happen. men think of sex all day and every time he walks past a pretty girl he thinks of sex so when he get home and gets none well you get where i'm going. for men love is strong and sex is just sex when its an escort its just sex!!!!! remember escorts will do things that wife wont but use to for some reason things change. the old saying when you get married the sex sex stops its not made up its a fact,,in some culture's men are allowed a mistress or two as long as the wife comes first, maybe not such a bad idea, does a lion only have one lioness i dont think so,, anyway here's the point if there were no escorts i probably would have been divorced and my kids would be in a broken home not my first choice, look inside youself and see if you have a role in matter...... so i thank all escorts as they make the best marriage counselors.....tezz
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): oh god i have the same problem been married for nearly 5 years and have 2 beautiful daughters , my husband was always a cheater with other girls and me like a dumb wife kept forgiving him forgiving him then i was separated from him for whole year and wheni came back to himi found out about escorts, i have argued with him and argued with him but it got me no where.....he kept saying that how can u think this maybe someone else used my phone my internet etc he has a answer for everything...........last 6 months i thought things were changing and was so happy only to find out he is up to his old tricks this tim ei deceided to confront him in a totally different way,...I said to him im not angry or upset anymore cos i recognise there is a problem here and i will help you get thru it ....do you know what he replied with..he said no you have the problem you are mental its all in your head.........now he wont talk to me and i quite frankly have had enuff unless i give him somehting that will kill his libido or kill myself ...........i feel so suicidal at times but have 2 daughters
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): Hello Ladies...
Guess What? I beleive you are attracted to this...I unknowingly am! My first husband...loved me, sex addict, now....I found Call Girl magazine? Black people meet? My husband, VP stock firm, lilly white neighborhood, etc... I am so afraid, I feel like I attrct this type of man! I am attractive, great career, sexual..ie fantasies etc, not a prude at all! He tells me fantasies, I do not allow others to enter ... I am afraid? Aids etc...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2008): I have the same issue....I found a call girl magazine, lot's of photos and numbers etc...my husband swears he loves me...spoils me...has an obsession...
I do not get it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I am going through the same and I don't know how to cope. He started his behavior in 2001 as far as I can tell, just six years after we got married. And everytime I find out about a chat or an appointment he has made with one of these online prostitutes It somehow becomes my fault. I don't know what to do but I do know that it makes me want to kill myself. I do everything I can to make him happy and I am pretty, and a nice person so why would someone do something so bad to someone they are suppose to love? Maybe he does not love me but just enjoys the privliages of being married to a wife that does everything for him. I even went to the police to try and get them to do something about the last girl I found out about. But they offered no help. I told his mother again but she can't help me. I prayed to God but he is not listening. It makes me just want to kill myself and disappear forever. I hope you ladies fair better then me. Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): I too found out over the summer that my husband is seeing escorts. Found the number on his cell phone. Then there were no more numbers, and I found out that shortly after he got a prepaid cell phone that he keeps at work that he now uses for his adultery. I read on a "sex worker" site that many of them advise their married "clients" to do this, and other tips so that the wife doesn't find out. A lot of cash has been unaccounted for and missing for months. He's come home after working all day in 100 degree heat smelling like a flower garden from the waist down(massage oil, soap, lotion?). I am probably the stupidest woman on earth. Here's why. We were married once before, he cheated on me (not with escorts, as far as I know, but went on "dates" with women he met from personal ads). We divorced, and a few years later he came after me again, wanted to be with me, was a changed man, learned his lesson, found God, etc. I didn't believe him, of course, but kept talking to him, started seeing him, and indeed I found that he was a totally different wonderful man, and stayed that way consistently. We had the best communication, which we never had before. My trust in him slowly started coming back. We were best friends in addition to romantic relationship. It was like a dream come true. He broke me down bit by bit and I fell for it eventually. He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Things stayed wonderful for over a year, then he started acting strange to me, mean sometimes, then loving, then mean. Our communication started breaking down. Then I found out what's been going on. I am devastated all over again. I don't mean to discourage anyone, we all have our own perspectives, but when I read about "sex addiction," and "terrible childhoods," and "he needs counselling," all I can think of is that, true or not, it really doesn't matter. My husband had a terrible childhood, we'd been through TONS of counselling our first marriage, he even found the Lord (or so he said), and he demonstrated "change" brilliantly. And we are back to square one. I can't believe that I'm living this nightmare AGAIN. I'm 47 years old now and the thought of going through all that again, starting over, etc., makes me SICK. I finally subscribe to the old adage, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." Simple as that, in my mind. I'm to the point that I don't care about his childhood, his "addiction," or whatever. He's immoral, that's the root of the problem. Not sure any counsellor can instill character and integrity in a person. If he's addicted to sex with whores, he had no business marrying me. I'm sorry to say I will never trust him again, even if he would want to "seek help." I haven't confronted him with this yet. Still thinking of my options. I want to be clear-headed and make decisions that are made in a practical calm way, not in the heat of anger and devastation. When I confront him, if that's when he would want to get help (which I doubt would be his response anyway), would that really have any meaning? He's not hot to trot to "get help" now, he's hot to trot to be with his whores. That's the truth of the matter. I probably could never trust a man again in my life. That's what he's done to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I'm another woman who found out just in the past week that my partner of 10 years has been using escort services. It is devastating, no doubt. I have left him for good as this is just another lie in a very long string of lies, albeit the very worst one imaginable. I had to leave because I could never have sex with him again after finally knowing the truth and having those images in my head.I don't know your individual situation but I would be wary of forgiving him or moving forward without some plan of action (not words or apologies) that will help him get better, assuming of course that he wants to get better. Pick up the book "When your lover is a liar" by Susan Forward. It helped understand why men lie and how it affects us and our relationships. If nothing else, it will give you some strategies on how to cope with your current situation. Has he lied to you before and now you feel that you have to be a detective? If so, think about how that makes you feel and how that degrades your well-being. Stay strong and remember that you are the highest priority in your life. And deep breathing really helps :-)
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reader, devastation2 +, writes (7 September 2007):
Sarah we are in san diego california,right now we are in the not really talking unless it is about the kids..I told him he needed counseling he said fine if you make the appointment but then says insurance will only pay for 6 sessions,but says it with major attitude..I read if I make him go it wont do any good.If he was to say to me that he knows he has and addiction and knows he needs help then I will be there but right now he is in the I know it wa wrong but I dont know if I want to say I will ever do it again and get help phase..I may see baout talking to him tonight before he leaves to ref..Something has to change he has to give me a reason to even try..Right now I cannot see the light at the end of teh tunnel,and of course no intimacy really just a peck here and there..He tells me that he loves me and that will never change..I guess I just dont understand this kind of addiction when it's not like I deny him.Anyways I will write again ,especially if anything changes..
Devastation2
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): OMG, I just found out the same thing this morning about my husband after looking in his phone do his acting strange. We are separated now for almost two years, but been trying to work things out and we do have what I thought was a monogamous relationship. I want to confront him too, but I am afraid it will make things worse as we split up in the first place due to his relationships with other women. I feel very sad and love him very much. I wish us both luck. :(
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reader, sarah31 +, writes (7 September 2007):
sarah31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello "devastation2"
I am sorry to hear this happened to you too. I don't think we are alone, there are many women like us who face this in their life time. Our husbands have an addiction, it is not any different from alcohol or any other kind of addiction. Does your husband think he has a problem or is he ok with it. He would have to first accept that he has a problem and be willing to change his behvior. If not, then he is in denial. My husband tells me that whenever he slept with another women, he always felt ashamed and guilty afterwards, he didn't know how to stop his act and his obsessive thoughts about sex. You see, it's a mental disorder and the person needs counselling. It's not that he doesn't love you, if he really loves you and kids, then he would want to change now that you know his secret. Ask him if he wants help. There is help out there. I don't know where you live but just like alcoholics anonymous, there is sex addicts anonymous (SAA), support group for people and families who suffer from this problem. There is also, sexaholics anonymous, and S-Anon.
I was devastated when I also found out but I think I am coping ok with the fact, what else can I do, my husband has promised to undergo counselling and therapy for his behavior. It's a life long process of change and change is not easy. If your husband is willing to change and admit he has a problem then you must support him. I am currently reading two books to understand what sexual addiction is all about. One is called "out of shadows" and the other one is "don't call it love, recovery from sexual addiction" both by Patrick Carnes. Both of these books have opened my eyes. The thing to note is that we can try all we want to control our husbands, it will make our situation worse. Controlling is like adding fuel to fire. The more we control (i.e spy etc) the worse his addiction will get. Both our husbands need counselling. Find out from your family physician or just find psychologist or counselling offices in yellow pages and ask them if they have someone who specializes in the treatment of sexual disorders specially sex addiction. Find out who in your area specializes and tell your husband about it. Give him this option of counselling. If he truly loves you he would want to do anything to make you happy and save the marriage. Keep in touch. If you want you can send me an email through this website. otherwise, just write to me in the column and I would be more than happy to talk to you. Don't worry. But do ask your husband.
Will write to you later. Sarah
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reader, devastation2 +, writes (6 September 2007):
I also have just discovered my husband hired an escort paid her $100 dollars ,she gave him oral (he say with a condom) and he gave her oral.. Well I thought we were happy,around the time this occurred.. I also discovered his ad on wildmatch.com saying he wanting a discreet relationship with someone who didn't mind sharing.this was around 7-8 months ago so not that terribly long,and he has memberships on sites for escorts.and he used to have a membership n adult friend finder..Anyways it was a year long case for me.The problem is besides this big one is he says he loves me but doesnt want to tell me he will never do it again,I flat out asked him what he wanted in this marriage and he said everything,so if I would allow him to have sex with others he would,even though he says he knows its wrong,but then when I have asked him what he wants he says he doesnt know.But never has he said he wanted just me..Sex has always been great he also says and anything she did I have done and.. Why would a man who got a vasectomy cause were done having kids and so he wouldnt have to use condoms,want to get BJ's and sex when he has to use a condom with them and not with me..Can you believe my husband has said it was exciting..I asked him why was it so exciting he says it just was,like that and this whole thing isn't like being stabbed in the heart..I feel like there has been a death in the family.I took my wedding ring off,later on he did too.Things dont really seem to be improving,I have 2 daughters to consider,havnt decided if I am leaving or staying for the kids and my financial sake.All I know is he has to change and I cant force him,even if I could forgive him..Sarah31 if you want to talk I would love to have someone who is going through this to talk too..I have been married to him almost 16 years and he didnt cheat til we had been married about 11 years..
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reader, sarah31 +, writes (5 September 2007):
sarah31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,So this is what has happened..I presented the evidence....he was in complete shock, didn't know what to say, he kept quiet for several minutes and then confessed, He fell to his knees and with folded hands kept asking for forgiveness. He has been doing this for many years, long before we got married and is now a severe sex addict. After much tears and talking, he revealed to me about his past...horrible past with abuse, neglect, sexual abuse.....So, to make the long story short, he has agreed to go to counselling..he admits that he has a problem which has been bothering him for a long time but can't seem to stop himself from this addiction. When he engages in the acts, he said he feels horrible, ashamed. He wants to end this and wants me to be with him because he loves me and knows that it is horrible. He states he is happy that I discovered the emails otherwise he would have never had the guts to confess. He has promised he would undergo extensive therapy and counselling and will do whatever he can to build my trust in him which has been severely shattered. I am hanging in there, hoping things will get better, I really hope so... please keep praying
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): my husband has not had sex with me for 20 years and i recently found out that he has been seeing someone else for 20 years, videos their sex sessions and then watches them after i go to bed. he also had photos and videos of any of our pretty friends and sends desparate text messages to a close female telling her how much he misses her. I found a video of him having sex with someone else and asked him if he wants to leave me. He said he needs me and would be devasted if i left. I am middle aged and do not want to end up alone. I am so sad that i have spent all these years being a faithful wife, a great housekeeper and terrific companion but now discover that my husband fancies almost everyone except me. He has been kind and supportive in many ways. What prospect does a middle aged woman have under these circumstances?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): Hi,
How did you get on? did he confess let me know how you got on?
Jay.
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reader, sarah31 +, writes (31 August 2007):
sarah31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for replying to my question. I truly appreciate it. I have made up my mind and am going to definitely confront and converse with him as soon as he returns from out of town. Let's see what he has to say. I will speak with him in a matter of fact manner and will present the evidence I have against him (emails, phone calls). Please pray for me. I will let you know what happens. Keep in touch.
Thanks again!!
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reader, Basschick  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 You cannot sit on this information anymore. You must confront him. Only he can give you answers and it's time for the jig to be up. Simply tell him you phoned the number because he was acting so strange that night, so you called it and found out it was an escort service. Then stop talking and wait for him to fill in the blanks before you leap into 101 questions about why and what for. Sometimes it's the body language and the way they speak that will tell you more than what actually comes out of their mouths. Pay attention to all these things. Keep your wits about you. Stay calm, stay in control as much as you can and get to the bottom of it. Unfortuantely, I would probably file for trial separation at this point and consider going through with a divorce. Betrayal of this magnitude would never be repaired in my mind, but everyone is different and there are actually women who can somehow manage to get past something like this. Only you can decide. But one thing is for sure, he has a serious problem that may require counseling and you will probably never trust him completely ever again. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): Hi,
Firstly you need to ask him just come right out with what you have said about the escort number and ask him why he is telling you one thing when it is clearly the other? Tell him you called the number and the girl told you she was a whore!
I feel he maybe cheating on you my hubby of many years than you have together has been using whores they are not escorts dear WHORES SLUTS and that is what he has been calling now you have to be affirmative here if he keeps lying tell him you are leaving him till he confesses what he has been up to calling and e-mailing these SLUTS!
I would be generally concerned for you if you are only married 4 yrs and he feels the need to use these services you have to ask yourself is this something he had a problem with before you met? Is he a sex addict? You really need to ask and talk to him as this will only get worse as soon as he knows you are on to him it might be caught and nipped in the bud in time.
Check all your bank statements, his phone, his pockets, his underwear, everything he goes out with check it!
If he continues to lie give him an ultimatium tell the truth or your out his life believe me when you do this he will bow down if he genuinely loves you he will if not then you have to ask why you are with him?
Men use Whores for sexual pleasure that's it no love nothing they go to them and pay for sex not just for pleasure but for the fact they can walk away after it no strings you see!! and if he is coming home to you doing this and sleeping with you unprotected i would seriously get yourself along to the nearest clinic to get checked out medically for any STD's Hiv etc; you must do this and he has to too!He has no respect for you if he is doing this mine did it for 6 years behind my back and i never knew so yes he will lie and lie till you bleed it out of him.
I hope you can sort this out i will come nback on later and talk good luck and remember be positive tell him them or me!!
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