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anonymous
writes:I don't even know why I am posting this here or how to phrase this so that I don't seem like the bad guy...but I am. And I know it. And yes, feel free to tell me so. I tried to tell my hubby that if he posted here with this problem you would all tell him how evil I am and that he should leave me.I will share your responses with him. I wanted him to post his problem here from his POV, but he won't, so I'll try... I love my husband. He is my third husband. I am 11 years older than he is. We have been married 6 years.Hubby has several female friends that he talks to and texts with on a daily basis. Sometimes he sees them casually. I'm fine with this. He's had many before the two current ones and he lied to me about them, but now I've got him telling me the truth...The problem is I have a male friend that I email with and talk to and go visit about once a month... since he lives 2 hours away, I spend the night. Hubby knows my friend, but I do not know either of his friends. Hubby is driving me nuts about my friendship with this guy... but anytime I say I will end the friendship as long as he ends his friendships, he backs down... so ending the friendship with my friend is not an option. I will NOT allow my husband to manipulate me and bully me into giving up a friend, if he gets to continue with his.Hubby is sucking me dry emotionally, constantly with his insecurities and double standards...I guess the issue is more about how do I reassure my husband that his fears are a) unfair (since he's doing the same thing) and b) that I'm not leaving him (unless he stops emotionally draining me with this stuff).
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 February 2011):
I understand totally what you mean about the excess skin - I know people who have undergone the gastric bypass surgery, both before and after.
in a way, it's ironic that now that you are no longer obese, you feel LESS attractive - or your husband for that matter.
it's definitely life-changing to lose that much amount of weight because you look and feel so different, and when it happens in a relatively short amount of time like with the surgery it can feel like your identity has changed overnight and you're trying to figure out who you really are.
I think your husband could use some counseling since he's got a lot of issues to deal with (more than you it seems) and his issues are making life very difficult for you.
or maybe he may agree to tiny changes that feel more doable to him? Like what if you can suggest that whatever grievances he has - like about your male friend - he has to wait til a certain time of the day or week before he can bring it up. So that you at least have some respite and are not undergoing a constant barrage, and yet he is still 'allowed' to bitch at you....or what if you agree to cut back on how often you see your friend, though you are not giving him up completely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear chocoholicforever,thanks so much again...talking about the weight loss is very complex and very very much a part of why this problem has occurred.In August 2009 my husband had Gastric Bypass, 5 weeks later I had the same surgery... We do feel much better. I reached not only my doctor's goal but MY personal goal and I am investigating plastic surgery to fix the excess skin issues I have now. I am literally skin and bones ROFL. Hubby was nearly 500 pounds so even though he's very tall he still wants to lose about 30 more pounds. His skin issues are bad also but not as bad as mine.When you are fat you are full... when you are thin and covered with excess skin you look fat but your skin sags in a different way and it makes you feel UGLY and horrible. Both of us suffer with this feeling right now even though physically we feel much much much better. Sadly emotionally we struggle with lots of things right now. I struggle with feeling attractive. Hubby struggles with feeling that now that I am thin I only want thin men. My friend is TINY for a man. very very slightly built... and it's part of my husband's issue thinking I do not find him attractive. I do. IN fact, physically my friend does not really appeal to me and I am not his type either so it's not about the bodies for us. Being with him however has helped me be a bit more comfortable with the body I currently have as he's clinically fascinated by the excess skin, having never seen or felt anything quite like it... (it LOOKS like fat but when you touch it..it's clearly something different) This is something that my husband who loves me unconditionally could not give me. Also when my husband calls me tiny I scoff at him and don't really feel tiny... after all he knew me at nearly 300 pounds of course 150 pounds seems tiny to him. In addition Hubby is 6'4" and I'm 5'2" so it's easy to see why he thinks I'm tiny... BUT my friend who never really knew me heavy and has only known me thin pronounced me TINY one day in an offhand remark that I cherish deeply. He had no clue how this statement would impact on me and perhaps it's one of the reasons I adore him so... it's sadly one thing that he can give me that NO ONE ELSE I am friends with can do. He is my only naturally thin (and always thin) friend and my only friend to not have been close to me when I was fat.It slots him in a very special place for me.so the truth is that while the WLS has had a huge excellent and positive impact on our lives, it's also one of the reasons we are in this mess.Sadly the divorce rate for WLS patients is HIGHER than the norm. Usually this occurs when only ONE partner has the surgery but I can easily see how it can occur no matter what. I am grateful my husband is being brave enough to let me explore my new found feelings and my new found self... if he was not, I fear I'd either be cheating on him (at least emotionally) or leaving him.
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (3 February 2011):
you've lost 130 pounds and your husband lost 200 pounds? Wow, that's great!
So is he feeling a lot BETTER about himself now compared to before he lost all that weight? how about yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Miamine... I appreciate the support and wise words.
to FloridaCatGirl
thanks for asking thoughtful questions. I appreciate the chance to talk about this. I don't really have anywhere else to go... it's not an affair, it's not poly, it's not swinging so getting to talk about it at all helps!
YOU said:
"You said that you and your hubby were swingers together before you married. Initially, whose idea was it to swing?"
Initially it was my idea to explore swinging. My reason (because I'm sure you will ask and I want to save the time and trouble) was sad really. then BF was a player... even then. but he would not leave me and I knew if i left him without someone for him to go to he would not take it well. So my thought was that we would enter the lifestyle and he would find someone else... that totally backfired on me as 6 weeks after our first swing party he proposed.
"Were either of you swingers before you got together? If so, did the poly or swinging lifestyle have anything to do with your previous divorces?"
neither of us were swingers or poly prior to our joint experience. I left my first husband because what you want at 21 is not what you want at 29 and I no longer wished to be told I was fat stupid and a bad parent. I left an emotional abuser. The second husband... well I just refer to him as the second disaster... a bad marriage made at a very vulnerable time in my life. I left him after he tried to kill me while he was high on crack that he got from his girlfriend. (I did not know nor did I condone said girlfriend)
"I'm not trying to criticize you, but I can't help but think this type of lifestyle is detrimental to the longterm longevity of a marriage."
I hear that. I understand it and I appreciate the respect. I can tell you that our two closest couple friends are also in the lifestyle (how we met them) and one couple is married 25 years the other 22 years. Going into the lifestyle to save a marriage never works but if the marriage is strong it can very much enhance the marriage as long as both partners are on the same page.
"What happens when 2 people in the poly relationship develop a closer bond then they have with the other partner. Is the other partner expected to accept it for what it is? I just don't think it's possible to divide your feelings equally. Naturally, everybody is going to prefer one particular partner over another."
Ya Know i don't have an answer for you on that one as we are not really Poly. In the poly families I've explored (online only) it appears that everyone accepts their position in the relationship. Feelings are NOT equal nor are they expected to be. My DH would love and adore me way more than he would a second if it was a poly relationship. It's the nature of the relationships as far as I can tell.
I know for me that I love deeply and madly and passionately my DH and want to be with him pretty much on a day to day basis. I adore my friend I find him delicious on so many levels but I could never see having a day to day existence with him although I would love to have him be a regularly scheduled part of my life... one of the most appealing things to me about him is that HE IS TWO HOURS AWAY.... I don't know that I could be this close of a friend with him if he was local to us.
In addition, both my husband's friend and my friend are well aware of the bond our marriage holds and that we are in love with each other (my friend has even said he can see how much in love we are) and they respect that relationship.
not sure if I've answered the questions or not.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (2 February 2011):
 You said that you and your hubby were swingers together before you married. Initially, whose idea was it to swing? Were either of you swingers before you got together? If so, did the poly or swinging lifestyle have anything to do with your previous divorces?
I'm not trying to criticize you, but I can't help but think this type of lifestyle is detrimental to the longterm longevity of a marriage. What happens when 2 people in the poly relationship develop a closer bond then they have with the other partner. Is the other partner expected to accept it for what it is? I just don't think it's possible to divide your feelings equally. Naturally, everybody is going to prefer one particular partner over another.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (2 February 2011):
 Swinging/poly is too complicated for me.... lolWe got a jealous man who feels insecure about himself. I know (from what you say) that the love and commitment is there.You didn't explain if your friend attends gaming evenings. He's been invited, but does he go. Maybe your husband feels he's excluding you by not joining with the others, when he does even though he feels uncomfortable.It's patronising, but make a big noise about your husbands cleverness, ask him for advice sometimes, and yes, marriage, like other romantic/sexual set-ups does need compromise.He may have a specific reason why he dislikes your friend. Maybe something he said or done once. Why don't you ask him? I don't think your husband has problems with "men", it's a problem with this guy and this guy only.As I said, your husband loves you, and even though he may grumble he won't dare break up your relationship with this guy. Kiss him and treat him nice and just continue with your life.PS: Also not sure about therapy. His reaction seems normal if a bit childish. If he's a drama queen already, a shot of confidence may make him unbearable.Thank you for your informative and understanding follow-up' to us aunts who have no experience of your lifestyle. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks FloridaCatGirl!
I know how important therapy is. I have years of it under my belt and a degree in Psych... I wish he would go. I will keep trying...
as for the friend coming to us... even without the allergies, he is totally terrified of all dogs and since i have a dog that is nearly 150 pounds (A Landseer Newf for those that are curious) he's not going to come in the house at all. They will see each other at least twice a year at Cons that we attend... and the friend tries to email with hubby occasionally.
His ONE friend is not poly or swinger and he is not interested in anything other than friendship with her. And he's made that clear to her that he can't think of her any other way. He's told her if she does try anything romantic he will end that friendship.
The OTHER friend, he met on a dating site (he has a profile and I know about it)... she is happily married and she is POLY. So if she did want to pursue a POLY relationship with my DH he would be her second and she would never expect him to leave me. She talks to him daily about me... she is well aware we are happily married and is trying to get him to understand that letting me have my friend is in his best interest. I think I really like her.
MY DH does not think he can be or wants to be POLY... I could easily be POLY and would love to make my friend my secondary relationship... to me that would be the best of both worlds... (for those that don't know much about it SWINGING is about SEX while POLY is about love and sex does not have to come into play although it usually does)
I can't honestly say what will happen or how I will feel if it really happens but I can say that the thought of someone else loving my husband for all the right reasons and making him feel good about himself thrills me.
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (2 February 2011):
 You're right. I have absolutely no idea all that "the lifestyle" entails. I only know what you have shared. It did cloud the issue however, because most here would suffer emotionally from some of the interpersonal dynamics you described.
Anyway, your lifestyle aside, the problem is that you have an insecure husband. He feels inferior. Perhaps he would benefit from counseling. It might help him with his self esteem issues.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (2 February 2011):
In one of your follow ups, you stated, “His telling me he will leave me if I end my friendship with my friend makes perfect sense if you realize that my husband is trying to make himself the center of attention and focus everything on him... he's a drama queen.”
I agree… your husband wants to be the center of attention, and he is acting selfishly. This is a result of his issues with insecurity and low self-esteem. Unfortunately, these feelings rarely go away by themselves. That’s why it’s important that he receive counseling. I understand he is reluctant to join you in counseling, but he would feel so much better about himself if he did! I sincerely hope he will reconsider this option.
It’s extremely important that your friend spend time at your house, so your husband can get to know him. I understand he is allergic to dogs, but there is an easy solution to this. I suggest he purchase an over the counter medication specifically for those who are allergic to animals. I recommend Claritin-D because it has worked wonders for me. Most Claritin products are found on the open shelf, HOWEVER, your friend should get Claritin-“D”, and it is kept behind the counter. It doesn’t require a prescription, but he has to ask the pharmacist for it. It comes in 12 or 24 hour formulas, and he can print out coupons for it from the Claritin website. Make sure you vacuum, dust, and wash towels and bed linens before he comes over. Also, keep the dog from coming into physical contact with him.
Finally, you stated, “yes my husband's relationship will probably eventually progress to romance with one of his new friends, and yes I really REALLY am ok with it.” The poly and/or swinger lifestyle wouldn’t work for me, but I don’t judge those who do choose this lifestyle. That being said, I do have some concerns, and questions.
First, are his new friends involved in the poly lifestyle themselves? If not, and he becomes romantically involved with one of them, eventually, she will want him to leave you. You would be foolish to think otherwise. She may embrace swinging, but that’s different then a polyamorous lifestyle. Are you prepared to face these consequences, if their relationship turns romantic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh thanks for the answers everyone. Even those that I don't agree with cause me to think... To anonymous,To think that we are not serious about our relationship and marriage is rather insulting. We are very serious about it. And we do love each other. It's true DH hurts me with his jealousy and his insecurity and his drama queen behavior, but not with his friends which is what I'm sure you meant. As for me hurting him, no, he's hurting himself. He's been told a zillion times I love him and I'm not leaving him or kicking him out... he continues to be a drama queen about it.To Tem,Again, I appreciate all the effort and thought you are putting into your replies. Sadly, they are colored by your beliefs and ethics and do not necessarily reflect ours.My husband is not good looking in the traditional sense of the word. And he's no sex machine. He recently lost 200 pounds to get down to 275 or so... so he's still a BHM and while I think he's good looking, and smart and funny, he does not.As for coming together as swingers, that's not true either. We were together for a year as a dating couple before we entered the lifestyle. We have continued with it but are not as active as some.Now before folks address that this is an offshoot of the lifestyle it is not. If you do not understand the lifestyle feel free to ask, but do not tell me that as swingers this is part and parcel of the issue. My friend is not in the lifestyle and my DH's friend is POLY but not a swinger... DH does not think he wants to be poly so he's not sure where his friendship with her will go. Our friendships do not fall into the parameters we set for our participation in the lifestyle. They do however fall into the parameters of how we live our life.As for fidelity Tem, if you define fidelity as physical I respect that for you, it's not part of OUR definition of the word therefore your assumption that we are not faithful to each other holds no merit to me.And to address the SETTLING comment... nope did not settle. I don't need to be married. I can't see how you can equate a third marriage with settling.And sadly you are correct Tem, I cannot fix him. I cannot make him less insecure. BTW he loves his job, he's very good at it, and he's considered one of the best in his company at what he does. He's attempted the GED three times. He's failed each time. I've offered to help him try again since he's never tried with my help, but he refuses.Dear Miamine,Thank you too. We are not ex-swingers as we are still in the lifestyle and that is not the issue for him or for me. When we swing we are always together. The issue for him is that he is not with me when I visit my friend (although he's been invited to be part of our visits).... My friend is welcome in our home but due to severe dog allergies and fears he will not enter my home. He's also welcome and invited to join the gaming group that my husband and I participate in regularly as all our friends know him too... (see this is way more complex than it sounds)... Hubby regularly feels "stupid" when with all the gamers. It's hard for him, and I understand that. I know he is smart, just not "book learned", but that's hard for him... he feels left out often... even with our regular group of friends, and yet he continues to participate with THEM.I hurt for my hubby right now. He really is trying. I just hope that time and love and tenderness will help him over this painful hurdle. Thanks again for a thoughtful response.To chocoholicforever,Thanks. I told DH that if I had had previous male friends that he did like and accept, that his insistence that this particular friend was not comfortable, I would respect that, but since he is my first male friend that is single that is outside of our marriage he can't invoke the "I don't like him specifically" card. I agree with you that if I gave this friend up, I would have to give the next one up (if there ever was one)... and that I'm better off hammering through this insecurity and making it work in the end.I have asked hubby to go to therapy, but he refuses.we've been through so many changes in the last 18 months (he's lost 200 pounds I've lost 130 pounds) and life is very different for us... I see a counselor that specializes in folks who have had weight loss surgery and she is well aware of this situation. We both keep trying to figure out a way to get hubby to go to therapy. Even my friend wants hubby to go to therapy to learn to deal with this.It's painful to watch my husband who I do love and adore hurt so badly but it's more painful for me to consider that I have to be the one that compromises yet AGAIN to make this marriage work. Sorry this time I'm taking care of me.All I asked was for ideas on how to make hubby more comfortable with this. I appreciate all the responses.
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reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 February 2011):
Your husband needs to re-adjust his attitude and behavior because he's the one with the double standard. He is being controlling. You have no problem with his girl friends. But he has a massive problem with your ONE male friend. He wants you to give up this male friend yet he will not give up any of his female friends. he will not compromise, he basically just wants you to give in to him.
Sorry but he is the one who is being unreasonable and controlling and selfish. He wants things to be on his terms and his terms only.
how about if you be the first one to extend the olive branch and give up your male friend to give your husband ca chance to feel more secure.
BUT...if he does not give up his female friends, then you have every right to resume your friendship with that male friend or any other.
however it wouldn't be fair to your friend to be used as a pawn in your marital war.
And to be honest I doubt that even if you gave up your one male friend that this will be smooth sailing for your marriage. Trust issues tend to recur, they don't just go away with one event. He will likely find a different target like another male friend of yours in the future. And having had the success of making you give up your first male friend, his controlling behavior will get worse in the future.
Maybe your husband should get some counseling to deal with his controlling and uncompromising nature. However he needs to realize that he has a problem, if he doesn't acknowledge he has a problem then nothing will work.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (2 February 2011):
(SCRUNCH - Tears up first answer and throws it in bin)
Ex-swingers... ah, now I understand why you think there should be no sexual jealousy. I agree with the others, if your spending too much time apart and putting your emotional energy into other people, then your almost encouraging outside affairs.
Your husband is jealous. You and this guy are clever and smart, this guy touches you more deeply than a hand can ever do. He can't match up.
Of course he doesn't want to visit with you. Nobody wants to feel like the idiot between two brainy kids. I guess that also means the friend isn't welcome in your house.
Sigh... I don't think a 2 hour drive is that far, if you get to make your husband happy and keep your friend. You could also book a hotel room. Invite your friend down sometimes as well.
You have to accept your husband is human. He gets hurt and jealous and he can't help it. You don't get jealous, well, your more experienced and pragmatic than me. For him this is difficult (it would be for most people) for you there is no problem.
Don't give up your friend, be extra loving at home, call him often when your away, that's all that you can do. Asking him to actually enjoy the situation is one step too far for him. He refuses to be the one who ends your relationship, so all you can do is be considerate.
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reader, TEM +, writes (2 February 2011):
Whether you and your friend have 0 or 40 IQ points over your husband, doesn't matter. He feels inferior because he is a High School drop out and you are a college graduate. The fact that you need the other guy for intellectual stimulation, and your attitude is that "intellectual stimulation is something my husband CANNOT provide. He just can't." is not lost on him either.
In addition, you support the household and own the home. You have all the power in the relationship. This is tough on a male ego. You are not even the least bit jealous about time he spends with other women. This probably makes him feel even more insignificant, because it sounds like his looks and sex is all he has to offer.
Your husband doesn't trust you because you came together as swingers. His lack of trust stems from your (joint) sexual history. Neither one of you have ever valued fidelity in a relationship. Why has it suddenly become so important to him? Because he is scared.
You have settled for this because it is your third marriage and you are "pragmatic about love and life." It sounds like you are supporting him and he is scared he will lose the lifestyle once you become bored with him. He knows he is not as smart or accomplished as your friend (or you for that matter). Sounds like all you have him around for is a stud service. I think he picks up on that.
IMHO, I don't see a future here. You will have to continually reassure him until it gets old. I also think all the reassurances in the world will not convince him that things are okay. He's deeply insecure. You can't fix that. Only he can. He could start by getting his GED and perhaps a job that makes him feel better about himself. After all, he came from living with mommy and daddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): You are both hurting each other. Why would you do this to each other when you are married. Apparently, you love each other or you would have already separated. You both need to stop and get serious about your relationship with each other and let these other people go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the thoughtful reply Tem...yes my husband's relationship will probably eventually progress to romance with one of his new friends. and yes I really REALLY am ok with it. He is my 3rd husband. I'm way too pragmatic about love and life for most of the tastes on this site.. we were swingers together before we married and have continued that lifestyle throughout our marriage... His telling me he will leave me if I end my friendship with my friend makes perfect sense if you realize that my husband is trying to make himself the center of attention and focus everything on him... he's a drama queen...He's giving me a hard time about this guy because he doesn't trust him. He believes this guy to be better than he is in all ways (he is not) and he believes that now that I am thin (i'm half the size I used to be) that I prefer smaller guys....(not true) and he believes that this guy wants me to leave my DH for him (again NOT true) My DH is a nice guy but he has no self-esteem and he's insanely insecure.And yes I would like my husband to stop giving me a hard time about my friend. I would like him to just relax about the friendship and know that I love him and will always come home to him. As far as you thinking my husband hurts me with attention to other women, I'm sorry but I disagree. I really do not care if he pays attention to other women. I don't care if he sleeps with them. I do care if he lies to me. In fact, that's all I care about... DO NOT LIE TO ME... do not make a fool of me by lying to me.As for retaliation, nope I don't play that way. I like this guy and I want to be with him. It's VERY person specific and not any generic guy will do (as it would if I was trying to hurt my husband)While my friend and I are not SMARTER than my DH we are way more educated. I have a college degree and DH dropped out of 9th grade. I support this household. I have owned the home for 21 years. DH was living with his mom and dad when we met and got married.I know that this must seem odd to you but truly I just want to figure out how to get hubby to relax and let me just BE with my friend....
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female
reader, TEM +, writes (2 February 2011):
Boy, this is confusing, but I think I can read between the lines.Here is is what I get --Your husband has always had girlfriends, which he use to keep secret from you. He is now coming clean about his relationships with other women. He currently has one relationship that has crossed the friendship boundary and you think it will continue to progress (romantically, I assume) however, you state that you are fine with that (really?).You have told him you will give up your friend if he will give up his. He absolutely refuses. In fact, he says he will leave you if you give up your friend. This makes no sense.My questions:If your husband trusts you why is he giving you such a hard time about this other guy? Why do you feel your husband is pressuring you to give up this friendship, when he stated that he will leave you if you do? What do you want your husband to do? Stop giving you a hard time so you can enjoy your friendship in peace, and stop being a hypocrite about the opposite sex friends you both have?What I really think is that your husband hurts you by giving other women attention. You retaliate by having a friendship with a much smarter guy (implying that you and the other guy are much smarter than he is). Your husband uses these arguments rationalize cheating on you. Sorry, that's what I think. Marriage counseling is in order here.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I think you are right in stating that if YOU should give up your friend he should give up his. Tit for tat.
It might come across a little immature, but there is no way I would "dump" a friend because my husband felt insecure. Yet he would be "free" to do as he pleased.
Honestly it seems to to come down to 3 things. Trust, Insecurity and Control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear anonymous,I OFFERED to end the friendship totally. My DH told me "no". In fact, he told me if I ended the friendship he would leave me.My friend and I do email and talk on the phone... but when my husband is off doing his hobby that I do not participate in, I want to hang out with my friends...Hubby trusts me, and I am loyal to him... I do not trust him, but I don't care about his friends..... Thank you for responding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreasy, that might work if my friend was local... he's not. he lives 2 hours away by car... and I go to see him not the other way around... I have asked DH to go with me to see my friend just this afternoon at lunch in fact, and he again REFUSED.
My friend has said he would be happy to play a particular game with my DH and DH refuses.... WE are trying.... my friend and I are trying.... DH refuses, it's as if he wants to keep himself in the dark about the friendship so he can continue the drama
AND thanks for asking you just gave me a LIGHT BULB moment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): I think u guys should both drop these friends and work on eachother who cares about these friends I would never let anybody in the world come between my hb and I. By the way who cares if your friend lives 2 hours away that's why we have the phone and internet. I would murder my hb for sleeping over some girls house just cause she lives a couple of hours away that's not his problem. I also don't think he should be talking to other girls all the time on the phone only once in a while as long as it doesn't go beyond that phone calls to me are harmless as long as they're not all the time,and for long ours. Goodluck the #1 key to a relationship is trust and loyalty atleast u guys r open about everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTEM,
ONE of his friends does not cross the boundaries at all...
the OTHER one... yes they are crossing the platonic boundaries a little bit... and will probably continue to move towards more non-platonic friendship... and I AM OK WITH THAT.
I know it's not the popular answer but it's my truth.
as for my friend.... deep sigh... my husband has given me the following guidelines as acceptable:
I can go visit him
I can sleep in his bed
I can cuddle with him
I cannot kiss him like I kiss my husband and I cannot have sex with him...
we accept these guidelines...
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhy did we marry? we love each other. and I did and I do love DH and he loves me. even my friend says "everyone can tell how much he loves you just by watching him"...
there is no passion with my friend and I... it's comfort... it's banter... it's a brain connection... and that's what I get from him that I can't get from DH... it's not about the sex with these friends.... our sex life at home is great...
and what I get from my friend... intellectual stimulation that my husband CANNOT provide. he just can't.
If I go with the premise that my husband should be my everything I shouldn't have girlfriends either right?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 February 2011):
 Let me ask you this:
Why did you two marry? What was it that pushed both of you to consider each other as better than the casual hookups you're both having now? What needs aren't being met by exclusive physical and emotional intimacy with each other??
The bottom line is - you both set the marriage, and you both set the rules. If the marriage is open, then it's open with no double standards. You're absolutely right. How could he go lie and hide his girlfriends from you, yet feel insecure and give you a hard time about your other guy friend?
I can tell you why there is a double standard. He's afraid that though he uses these girl friends of his for physical pleasure and ego boost, to him, these girls mean no more to him than some virtual image on a porn screen.
However, he's afraid that you are giving your heart to this other guy, and as such, the thought of you responding to his passion is unbearable to him. Is that fair of him to feel that way? Abolutely not! But there it is.
So the real question is - why do you want to stay married to him, yet be with this other guy? Forget evening the playing field or balancing the sexual scales. What need is this fulfilling, and why don't you get all you need from your husband?
Leave him out of this for a second. What is it you want, an unfulfilled marriage where you have to look outside it to feel whole? Or do you want a mutually exclusive love affair? If it's the latter, than your husband, and this other lover of yours, aren't the answer, and you're spinning your wheels and wasting your time. Time is irreplaceable.
Likewise, do you want a husband who loves only you? Or are you fine with his extracurricular activities?
If you both are happy with open marriage, you should sit down, maybe with a counselor or mediator, and set up the rules. When you set them up, you both should reassure each other of the "sacred" areas in your marriage.
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A
male
reader, Greasy  +, writes (1 February 2011):
Hi there,
This might be a simplistic take on it, but why not the whole lot of you [hubby+his friends, you+your friend] go out for dinner or something like that. I.e. - become known quantities all around.
Distrust is a defensive response to the fear of being hurt, which is made worse by not being able to predict what a loved one will do. By knowing e. other's friends, both of you will be in a better position to predict e. other's behaviour, lessening insecurity/fear and, eventually, distrust.
Worse case scenario, it comes to light that either or both of your external friendships are not just friendships, and that insecurity is justified. Even in that case, it's better to know earlier than later, & take appropriate action.
So there 'ya go - I hope that helps :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"There is one solution to this problem. Your husband should meet with your male friend from time to time, with you there as well. Equally you should meet and befriend his mates from time to time. It puts everything out in the open and stops the secretive behaviour. Half of the problem here is that both of you see each others opposite-sex friends as a potential threat to the marriage."Well to be honest my husband knows my friend. In fact HE knew him first.... he's part of our hobby circle.... I do not much care about his friends. I do not see them as a threat to my marriage. But yes DH sees my friend as a threat to our marriage.I'm not keeping any secrets from DH and my friend has even emailed him and tried to friend him further than the acquaintance that they currently have and DH refuses. My friend has even suggested that DH and I come up and visit with him and get something to eat and talk, but DH refuses.Since I don't care about his friends I meet them if he wants or don't if he does not want. The issue with the friendships is my hubby's issues with my friend not mine with his.... I included his to indicate the MASSIVE DOUBLE STANDARD my husband has.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (1 February 2011):
 There is one solution to this problem. Your husband should meet with your male friend from time to time, with you there as well. Equally you should meet and befriend his mates from time to time. It puts everything out in the open and stops the secretive behaviour. Half of the problem here is that both of you see each others opposite-sex friends as a potential threat to the marriage. If you stop seeing these people as the enemy then it will encourage you to both start talking about the real issues that are troubling your relationship (i.e. lack of trust, poor communication). You are entitled to have a male pal, just as he should have female friends if he likes. It is not healthy to just have each other. It sends a big message that you are both uncertain as to the basis of your marriage. You have got to trust each other or there is no basis for a long term marriage. One way to work on that is to allow socialising between each others friends. You don't have to escort him everytime he sees his friends, or vice-versa. Every so often go out to dinner together as a group. Once these people are a part of your life as well as your mate then it won't seem such a problem. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, TEM +, writes (1 February 2011):
May I ask you one question? What is your definition of friend? Is your relationship with your male friend, or his relationship with is female friends, intimate in any way? Are the boundaries of what is considered a friend, especially one of the opposite sex, being crossed at all?
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