A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I need help with this.I have been married for over 8 years and for 7 years, everything was pretty good - no marriage is perfect, but it was good enough that I was not really even thinking about flirting with danger or entertaining the idea of an affair,. I do think my husband has had an affair in the past, and in addition to that, he's always had an issue with lying to me about stuff that shouldn't matter....anyway, it wasn't enough for me to dive deep into "did you have an affair" because I know he did and I decided to forgive him and not ask for details.... In the 7th year, my husband, out of no where, became schizophrenic. Everything changed - for a year I had no husband, just this guy who acted like a zombie 24/7, telling me people wanted to kill him. I had no friends, no interaction with normal people (no siblings and I moved to another state so I had no close, local friends at the time). I started flirting around with a guy at work, but never took it past kissing. Tihngs with my husband's condition have gotten worse, then better, then worse -every time I think we're doing well again, he stops taking his meds and it gets worse again.Well, fast forward to 1.5 years after the diagnoses.... I had a one stand stand one night, and then 2 short term affairs after that. None of them turned out to be long term.... just me thinking that I had met a guy that would care about me deeply, would help me through this and really, it turned out to be just more or less, guys telling me how great I am, to get sex, then be out the door. I guess I really thought during this time that I was leaving my husband anyway, that there was no way me or the kid could live with him going on and off the medication, so what difference would it make if I started dating other guys. What I realized in the 3 mistakes i've made is, he may have this condition, but some where in there, is a man who loves me alot more than any other guy looking for a quick screw ever will. I had a horrible battle with depression when I found out at first about his condition, and I wonder if some my having affairs is due to, one, being lonely and 2, the return of depression (I went off my meds, paxil, 6 months ago)I want to quit having affairs, and I don't know how. I am not going to tell my husband about this, I just can't. Also, he refuses to fess up to his, so I feel like I just want to stop this crap with my self and cheating and be good and be there for him. It's so hard to be there for him cause he's not even 1/2 the affection he used to be toward me.How do I wean my self from seeking out affairs with other men? Please please help! I know I probably need counseling, but I can't afford it right now and won't be able to afford it for about 3 to 4 months - can someone please just help me stop this behavior until I can get some help? Where do I find help or someone who I can trust to just let me talk to them, without them trying to have sex with me? I don't have any girlfriends I can talk to about this, and the guy friends just see it as a way to get me to be vunerable enough to mess around with them.
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female
reader, boogirl +, writes (29 November 2012):
hi my name is rebecka . i am 31 year old . i have schizophrenic about one year now . i have cheated too. i told my hubbby when i had a breakdown . but when i got schizophrenic i felt like someone was having sex with me . so i was always feeling horny . so now i take my meds and i have a hobby on the side to keep me busy so i wont here the voices. u say that your hubby stop taking his meds thats not good because he doesn't no what he is doing . so u say he cheated on u how do u no if he was off he med and he really dont rember cheating on u . also u can have have day dreams of having sex and get your self off .so if he keep taking his meds . if i new why he doesnt want to take his meds so i really cant tell u what to do .
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Answer to schizophrenic husband...........please do not feel sorry for your husband you are obviously looking for permission and here it is ....simple solution leave the guy and get on with your own life !
I know that we are all supposed to marry until death do us part but I do not think everyone can handle it....obviously tell him do not be dishonest and do not tell him of anything negative at all that is in the past and not his business now anyway
Gd luck and enjoy your life make your life happy without guilt and be honest with your own needs and wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): I am married to a schizophrenic, it is the most difficult situation to be in, I love my husband, but I wonder how much longer I can live with him, I feel insane myself, Im lonely, and depressed,and I have to act like his mother..Its really distressing to catch glimpses of the man u knew to only have it vanish the next second and some awful insensitive comment made to you.Ive moved home 6 times in 6 yrs with my husband, even though im in pain he does nothing and is like a 3 yr old..im ageing prematurely and he snores his head off after drinking(hm yes) and I just ache for someone to talk to, my friends dont bother with me now and avoid me, Im such MISERY, WAS i SILLY 2 MARRY HIM..who knows?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): I been where you are right now... my husband was dx bipolar and his actitude changed completely. I was just existing...He treated me bad and when he was on meds he was to himself. He would laugh and when I asked what was funny he would say nothing. In our 26 yr marriage i cheated twice and after I left him I became promiscuous. I was looking for that contact I didnt have at home. It didnt matter where i got it...I had a 4mo affair/relationship but I knew I was there for sex not love and caring..did it fulfill my desires, wants and reams?...no!
I then thought that maybe I was gay...No that didnt work either and as I thought about it all I figure out I was lost.. Im now in therapy and on an anidepressant and Im better. I am able to say no to this crazy style of living because is harmful... I believe that like myself you need to value yourself first, know yourself to the core and when you do that you will be able to make it all work for you in a healthy way. Men can not be your friend like we would want but doesnt work like that in this kind of situations..If you are addicted to the sex part then get a toy otherwise you will keep being confused and hurt yourself more. I havent gone out in 6 months and I miss the so call relationships but I made my household my priority and i take time for myself to de-stress in a healthy way...no more men or women that want to take advantage of me . I kept good friends that can and will be there for me...You need a friend, a best friend and or you can contact social services and they can refer you to free counceling or income based place that can help you. Good luck I hope what I wrote gives you something to think about and motivate you...You need to LIVE!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (27 July 2008):
Wow, it sounds like you're definitely in a tough situation. Honestly, I think you're seeking out these men for the love you feel that you're lacking in your marriage. And I think you know this too. Then you end up feeling worse about yourself because you're not respecting yourself or your body by having one-night stands with men who aren't filling that void you have.
I did a research paper on schizophrenia in college, I'm no expert, but I did learn that schizophrenia is much more common in men than women and it hits them usually in their 20's and 30's. Although, they have had the ailment their entire lives, the actual symptoms uaually aren't triggered until there is some kind of emotional uprising that sets them off. Maybe if you read some books on it, it can help you understand a little more about what your husband is going through. I'm not sure who wrote one of the books I had, but it's called schizophrenia, but done so in syllables schi-zo-phren-ia...or something like that. It's stories put together from people who have family members that are schizophrenic and what they felt and how their lives changed. Maybe just having some sort of understanding and seeing what other people went thru will help as well as realizing that just casual sex with men isn't going to feel your void--only make your more depressed.
If you need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to send me a private message. I saw how you're in a bind and can't afford counseling and don't really have anyone to talk to. I like to help :)
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A
female
reader, Beckah  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 Well first i want to say, i'm sorry about your husband and yourself. I'm happy to see that your at least your admitting how you feel instead of pushing it away, because we all know that doesn't help.
Unfortunately i've never been married, but i will attempt to help you as much i can.
- Its easy to understand and to an extent justify why you have had affairs, and to be honest if there was an 'excuse' then i'm sure that you have it. However it doesn't work like this, and your left with 2 decisions...leave him, or work on it. It must be difficult being with someone who doesn't give you the affection and love that you want or are used too. But opening up to the closest male isn't going to help.
- If you choose to leave him, don't tell him about the affairs, don't blame the condition, just give him a straight forward answer. You two aren't working out anymore. You need to be forward and honest that way you don't confuse him. Heartbreak will only worsen his condition.
- If you chose to stay with him, then i suggest that you call quits, forget his affair, you forget yours. Remember the reasons why you love him...work on it and talk to him about the way he has changed in regards to treating you. I realise that you are justified to be upset, but imagine how he feels. He is in a world that he doesn't understand and believe it or not people can sense when someone is moving away from them (not physically), and growing more distant. Taking himself off the meds is the only thing he feels he has control of in his life, and understanding and loving him is the most important thing you can do for him right now, even if he doesn't repay the favour.
There are many help groups that don't charge. But perhaps it's a good way of meeting other people in similar positions to yourself and your husband.
I wish you all the best, and i hope you 2 work it out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Hi...first, I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear of your problems. I used to work in a behavioral health hospital, and I've treated many people with chronic schizophrenia. It is very difficult for the loved ones of the patient (not to mention the patient himself). I know that at times your husband probably seems like a complete stranger to you due to his chemical imbalance. This is where your loneliness is stemming from. I can empathize with you here, but I would warn against relying on medication as a crutch to his diagnosis. Finding out that your spouse has Schizophrenia is extremely traumatic at first. It sounds to me like you really were suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress). Don't get me wrong, I understand you feel depressed, but believe me when I say that Paxil will not save your marriage. I do have a few pieces of advice. The first is, there are types of medication available (both anti-psychotics and mood stabilizers) that can be injected into the patient and last a few weeks, that way the patient is not responsible for taking the pills. Every two weeks or so you just have to go to some sort of outpatient clinic. If you took on the responsibility of, say, driving your husband every two weeks or so, you could make sure his meds are being taken.You are very much correct about the counseling. You need to speak with someone in a professional environment. I would recommend you speaking with an LPC, MSW, or Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist. Some insurance plans are great with regard to counseling. Have you looked into what your plan covers? And depending on how mentally taxing this situation is getting, you could go on disability depending on your job with full or half pay. That way you could afford someone to talk to if your insurance doesn't cover.Third, I don't know the extent of your husband's illness. Some schizophrenics get better in time and some worsen, but if you are hoping for the pre-diagnosis version of your husband to reappear, you may find yourself hoping for a long time or forever. I'm not trying to be bleak, but realistic. How does his family react? Do they have sympathy for you and your child? What do they think? Bear in mind that someone with schizophrenia can at times be emotionally/verbally abusive or physically dangerous without the right treatment. You have to also think about the environment you want your child to grow up in. And about the men you have been seeking...You could try seeking out a woman friend; I know you said you didn't have any but still, it is not impossible. Or what about talking on the phone to someone in your family? Honestly, to me it sounds like a big part of you is clinging to this marriage out of guilt and remembrance of what things once were. Affairs are probably only going to make you feel more empty/guilty. There is a big difference between flirting/kissing/sex etc..., and trying to find someone to give advice.Only you have the power to decide, no matter what anyone giving you advice says. Only you can choose: Is my marriage right for me, or wrong? If you don't know how to answer this, then that is a telling answer in itself. I think instead of focusing on how you can stop cheating, you should ask yourself that question and be able to have an honest, rational answer, no matter what it is. You might think this didnt help you all that much; I hope that's not the case, and I want you to know I sympathize with you. No one knows the depths of your pain but you, but things will brighten. Just remember that you can't live your present in the past. Take care, you're not alone...
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A
female
reader, Jane Dashwood  +, writes (27 July 2008):
It is a horrible situation you found yourself in. And I don't think or believe that you are the first or that last person in a similar situation to do the same thing.
The things you can consider to help you would be:
1) Find if there are any support groups for people dealing with the same things you are.
2) Find a person you can talk to. What a lot of people find helpfull is talking to a preist or a minister, you don't have to be a part of the church but sometimes talking to a person who has made a vow to help others would help you.
3) Find something that you enjoy to do. Something that makes you feel good about yourself. Volenteer work helps a lot of people.
4) Join a book club, a oooking class, yoga meet people who in time may become friends.
I hope this helps.
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