A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice.I am 8 months pregnant with my 5th child.my other children are 7, 5, 4 and 18 months old.My husband works extremely long hours and spends every second week working in another state. I was done having children after our third child, but my husband has always wanted a large family and so after a couple of years of nagging we had our fourth and are now awaiting our fifth. I am tired, exhausted, drained. I have no time for myself, no help around the house and I feel like I have no say in the direction our family is going in. My husband says he will not be completely happy until we have at least 8 children. I love him, and our children but I cannot handle any more. I tell him this and he acts as though I am exaggerating and says he knows I will change my mind.I am booked to have a c-section in 3 weeks, it was the only date the hospital had available before I would be getting too close to my due date, and it happens to be during one of the weeks my husband is in another state. I will have my sister there with me for support (my mom will be looking after mine and my sister's children while I'm in hospital). I feel terrible for admitting it but I am thinking of asking the doctor for a hysterectomy after the c section. I am thinking I can just tell my husband there were complications during the birth and the doctors had to do it. that way I will not have to have anymore children, can let my babies grow up, and have a bit of a life myself.Is it a horrible thing I am thinking of doing? I know I should 'talk it over' with him more, but it really doesn't work.. my husband was raised in a very large family and it is just the way he wants things. I love him and want to grow old with him.. I just cannot handle any more children. Help me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, MissWendlemoot +, writes (8 June 2008):
 It is easy for your husband to say keep having more because he doesn't have to take care of them. He has conveniently made himself scarce with a job with long hours and lots of travel.
I suggest when he takes a week off for you to go on vacation for week without the kids and let him take care of them all by himself. I bet he changes his tune.
A lot of me seem to want the family but not the day to day responsibility for them.
As for the task at hand, tell you doctor that when you have your c section to give you a tubal ligation. It is your body and it can't be too healthy to keep popping out babies one after the other and having major surgery each time you have to have one.
Whether or not you tell your husband is up to you.
Best wishes xo
A
female
reader, lushlass93  +, writes (8 June 2008):
 this is your bodya nd your feelings tyou should tellh mi how he feels and say that you are finding it tiring and he should of known how you felt when you first met and when you planned out your future he should of known your views on having children and you on hisd its up to you if you have any more children you are the one caring for them and takin care of them talk about it and see what he says but dont be forced to do what he wants its your decison
good luck xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): woah! ur 22-25, and uve already had 5 children! slow down, tell him the the doc said that if u have any more kids u may have a chance of dying, i know u probably dont want the advice of a 15 year old, but im one of three children, and i feel like i never get the attention, care, or love that i need. no matter wat, i always feel left out, i talked to my brothers about it, and they said that they always feel left out. if u wont do this for urself, do it for the welfare of ur children. i m 1 of 3 and its hard because there is always too much going on, ur husband needs to know that when u care about someone very much, u have to make self sacrfices, and tell him that uve made urs by have 5 children, now he needs to make his. then start tearing up, and tell him that uve had ur tubes tied, and if he doesnt flip, then do it, if he does, dont have sex / him. do other fun sexual activities that will satisfy ur needs, and his.
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A
female
reader, bday121  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Your husband is showing no consideration for your feelings. I don't know if he just doesn't understand or if he just doesn't care, but either way it's unacceptable. It's your body and you can do whatever you want with it. If you want birth control, then get it. If you want an abortion, get it. If you want your tubes tied, do it. You don't need his permission for any of those things. It's your body and your decision to have children - if you don't want anymore, then don't have anymore. Period. Don't let your husband guilt trip you or push you around. He needs to understand that your body and mind is exhausted and you simply do NOT want any more children. A marriage is a two-way road and your husband is hogging both lanes right now. Your marriage isn't all about his wants and desires, it's also about YOUR desires, and he needs to respect that. Don't sacrifice your happiness for his. Let your husband know - and get it into his head - that you are done having children, and that's final. If it takes an argument, then so be it! What's important here is that you get the happiness and peace of mind that you need. Plus, like others mentioned, your children deserve time and attention. Each new child that comes along takes away from the other children. And hey, I know you're probably thinking your desires are selfish - they're NOT. You had 5 kids and that's enough for anyone. You compromised with him by having that many - and that's enough. Marriage is all about compromise. You wanted 3 and he wanted 8: 5 is the compromise. You were very generous to him by giving him a big family, and now he needs to respect your needs and desires. And you know, your husband isn't paying even half the amount of attention to these children that you are. He also didn't give birth to them. He doesn't know what it's like to have to take care of 5 screaming kids all day and all night. He doesn't know what it feels like to be pregnant and give birth. Maybe he's just ignorant of your mental and physical strains, but probably he just doesn't care, and that's ridiculous. He's away every other week taking it easy, child-free, while you're running a large household all by yourself. How does he expect you to take care of 8 children all by yourself every other week?! That's extremely unrealistic. Really what you should do is go on a vacation for a week - ALONE - and leave HIM to take care of all the kids. I assure you, after that he'll have a better understanding of your situation, and he'll give up on the 8 kids idea!But back to the point, I really don't think you should get a hysterectomy. There's a ton of bad sife-effects to that. Tubaligation is much safer (and reversible, if you ever wanted it.) And don't lie to your husband - let him know what you're doing. Just say, "Hey, I'm doing this, and I don't really care if you like it or not." He can't stop you, and if you don't allow him to guilt trip you, then the child-bearing will be over. But if you really want him to support your decision, then go to marriage counseling first. A counselor can really work wonders. Either way, I really think you two should seek out counseling so that he can finally understand what you're going through and he can finally have some respect for your needs.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 You have more than fulfilled your wifely duties and the fact that your husband isn't listening to you and you are resorting to this ridiculous idea because you can't discuss things is preposterous. It would seem that your opinion is valued as little as the wear and tear on your body is. You need to seek a counselor to help you discuss this with your husband if you aren't capable of making him see reason on his own.
The days where a woman's uterus should be whipped out because it had fulfilled it's obligations are long gone. This isn't just a spare body part. A hysterectomy can affect when you begin peri-menopause and when menopause will come on too. BUT, how YOU feel about your body after you HAVE a hysterectomy is also a consideration. The contractions that you have with orgasms, and they do create a certain quality with that orgasm, will change, and that will affect you.
If you do want to have a surgical sterilization, have a tubaligation. It doesn't say too much about the open communication in your marriage if the only way to stop having children is to do something so drastic and have to lie about it. I can only think that need to get yourselves into some kind of counseling in order to open up his ears. You have a very full plate, raising five children is a big job. If you feel strongly that you have as many children as you can cope with, he should respect his wife's wishes.
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A
female
reader, Star_07 +, writes (6 June 2008):
 I have to agree. If you lie to him, is it possible that it could make things worse? Could you possibly uphold this lie? Or do you think he would be devastated but its something he could get over eventually?
I feel for you, you have every right to do what you want with your own body. This is a relationship and you two should be able to compromise. 5 kids is in between 3 and 8, fair enough.
I know you don't have much time but think this over a bit. If it were me and I was VERY serious about not wanting kids as you sound, I would snip snip.
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A
female
reader, I'llTryToHelp +, writes (6 June 2008):
 I agree with the others! If you don't want anymore kids, it's more your decision than his because it's your body and you're the one being run ragged taking care of them. Why does he want so many if he's never there to spend time with them? I don't get it!
You've already given him five and that's plenty. Get you tubes tied or something!
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (6 June 2008):
 i kinda agree with collaroy, i know its not a nice idea you would be proposing but just because he wants a large family doesnt mean you have to do it remember its you carrying the children and being home with them so its your choice..just make sure if you are going to do it make sure you dont want kids in the future second if its complications through birth he cannot complain..but if u did lie to him then no one would blame you..just make sure you can keep such a thing hidden as lies can sometimes haunt us..but in the end its your choice do what makes you happy.. thats my opinion aphexy x
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A
male
reader, jay12toes +, writes (6 June 2008):
 what you need to do is tell him that you need his help if your going to have all these kids. he wants the big family so he needs to be around to help with them. if he is unwilling to make a carrer change that brings him closer to home then you have the right to be unwilling to have anymore kids. no one can do it alone, especially if you had 8 eeeeeesh!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Talk to the doctor and ask him for an advice instead of a hysterectomy. You do not want to have an unnecessary surgery done for all sorts of medical and ethical reasons. You would develop a further resentment towards your husband.
Counseling would be a good start since you are attempting to achieve your husband's 'complete happiness' at the cost of your complete misery.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Hi,
It is your body and your decision entirely over what to do with it.
Your husband is using you as a broadmare, this is not a partnership of equals, it is you doing what he tells you.
Now I'm not going to say leave him or anything ( though why any women would marry a man like this in this day and age I do not know ) but you have a right to protect your body. If he is going to brow beat you into submission if you tell him you are getting the snip, then do it without his knowledge, he has lost the right to question your motivations because he has no respect for your opinion to start with.
Get the snip before you go mental mate.
good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): He must not have any idea how hard it is to give birth and
raise 5 children.He's just gonna make things worse because
you're gonna get tired of being pushed around and he's
gonna have more kids that he's never there for.I think he
loves you,but he doesn't understand how you feel,so it's hard for him to accept the fact that you can't handle anymore children.Or it could be something else.He's not
gonna get everything in life that he wants,so he might as
well stop nagging you unless you keep giving in to him.You
need to stop giving in to him.If having sex and having a lot of children is the things that r gonna make him happy,
then tell him that he can't fulfill his wishes with you
because you can't handle it.
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