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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband is going through some midlife crisis, or just serious depression. He can't see that, or talk about that.But I see him turning more and more bitter day by day.I can't convince him, he thinks I'm critical. He stopped being affectioante with me a long time ago. We did go to councelling, but he won't change a thing from that. Also he does not like to be "analysed".I tried all kinds of things to make him talk, or get closer, but it seems to push him further away. I don't know, if it's something that was always there, and it just got worse, but now I've run out of ideas, and am just trying to wait it out.But it does not work very well for me, because I feel very frustrated every day. Should I end this marriage, or is there anything else i can try? Please don't say councelling, it is not an option. Communication, or talking about the problem, is out of the question. He is really allergic to this. Like not again...Any ideas would help. It is about trying to save a long term marriage with children. I would help if I could.Thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Maybe it is hormonal. Some man gets really depressed in this age, and hormones can help them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Did you put on weight? Maybe he can't tell you , but you are not sexually attractive anymore. I have to tell you a secret. My husband didn't look at me or touched me for years, I looked like a cow, fat and out of shape, no sexy look whatsoever. Than I went to workout , and my butt got really firm , he just got so turned on again, he did not leave me alone for one day. Try makeover it might work, without talk,,
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Take him to a very special vacation,and try everything you ever thought would work for him ,be very romantic. For a month, if it is not doing anything for him, I think, he needs space, if there is no change , please put a deadline on this, sometimes man just feels regret, losing feeling sexy , and starts remembering for their youth, if he can't get it, he will have to go and experience this himself, and pay the consequences.Don't let him waste your effort.Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2009): Did you ever think he might be in love with someone, and he does not love you anymore?Or maybe he is gay , man can come out in this age, and it starts,with not looking their wife anymore.You must get an answer, no confusion will give you happiness.
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reader, makeyourwifehot  +, writes (20 August 2009):
"Trying" to talk to him is probably pushing him away.When I went through my MLC, our marriage counselor ENCOURAGED me to take some time off, travel and search for a renewal.He also instructed my wife to back off, let me be, and let things unfold naturally. These were MY issues and I had to solve them. She was a wonderful spouse and her distance, strangely enough started to bring us closer together.Take time to work on yourself, exercise, get a new hobby and meditate daily. Humor also helps and there is a short piece on midlife crisis that was posted today I think both of you will enjoy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): Maybe tell him, if he does not change in 6 month ,the marriage is over.Tell him ,it's up to him, how he doe the change...Because you run out of ideas, so it's up to him now.
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reader, havazoo +, writes (20 August 2009):
HEY there I am all over this question... I am HER Living the very same thing... except 2 1/2 weeks ago my hubby told me I was FAT and that I did't seem to be doing anything about it, although in the last yr I have lost almost 50 pounds with 30 more to go, also he joined a gym a yr ago as well and is at goal now, and now training for the Ironman Triathlilon (can't spell) but he is training, gym going and running and swimming and told me I am not fitting into the plan for better health and fitness... so I buckled UP big time and in that time I joined another gym, hired a trainer 3 days a week and have lost weight gained muscle but mostly GAINED CONFIDENCE IN ME!!!! I am almost 48 now, I am a very sexual being and I have not "had it" from him in quite sometime.. hate to say how long so I satisfy myself and although there is no intimacy there it is OK for now... Everytime I try and kiss him he turns his cheek for a cheek kiss or he says no his mouth feels icky to kiss... so who knows... but this has been going on for years now, he says he attribtes this to the fact he didn't like himself for years being fat and overweight made him feel not sexy now that he is at goal and he also told me GIRLS are hitting on him as he has starting hitting the happy hours too which is something he NEVER did in our marriage now he comes home maybe twice a week for dinner... so who knows what he is actually doing but I am willing to go through this with him, I love him and I want him... SO this is what I do, even with all the walking on eggshells I do now,,, I am HAPPY UPBEAT EVERYTIME WE SPEAK, I give him his space and NEVER complain about where he goes or anything, he just spent 5 days in San Diego on a boat fishing and thinking I am sure, he is just as confused as I am, but he is being nice to me because I am nice to him and we are not fighting... BUT things are still tense... there still is no sex here but I am going to try and change that, but it is a hard thing when your hubby tells you he has NO passion for you anymore.. and doesn't want to see you naked.. so I was thinking of blindfolding him and having my way with him.. BUT there again he has to be Ok with that, not like I can do it without his help... right... so I am trying hard, I am going to conseling (can't spell) for ME not for us not for him for me to have the tools to deal with this event and get through it without losing my mind... I also have never worked so I rely on him financially too so I am in a tough spot, but everyday I work through the aniexty, work out my body, take care of me, I went out and bought new undies and some new bra's in black, something I have not done in years and I am wearing skirts and low cut shirts and trying to keep positive, seems like he wants SEXY again and I am going to do this.. reinvent ME now.. and if it works kudos I have my hubby and love of my life back and if it doesn't well I still look good with a broken heart... so only time will tell, but LOVE HIM THROUGH THIS ONLY if all your options are exhausted and he moves out then you will have to make a decsion on what is important to YOU not him YOU!!!! You are woman and strong, STAY strong and love him through this it may be the answer, and also DO NOT make him do anything he doesn't want to do... give him space to go through it... and be there when he needs you.. thats really all I have learned now from all the talking I do with people and this is the best answer I have... my home email is [email address blocked]... please email me directly with MIDLIFE in the subject line so I know it is you if you want to talk, I am going through this NOW and it sucks... Blessings to you both....
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 August 2009):
 I think probably its a couple of factors. You left out stress as in employment. We don't know if you have small kids. We don't know if he's not making enough money.Aside from that, he's looking at the fact that 1/2 of his adult life is over with, and the other side is downhill and doesn't look so rosy anymore.He wants to feel love, and feel appreciated; but he's got a major trust issue with you and maybe there's something you haven't told us yet.Sometimes guys won't tell you what's eating at them for anything in the world. And it could very well be that he's just at that phase in life where nothing is going to satisfy him, because, well he's miserable.If this is a so-called midlife crisis, I would suggest letting him drag himself off to some alone-place ("the man cave") and let him simmer for a bit. Maybe he needs to run off to the Himalayan mountains? Maybe he feels he needs some sort of an adventure? He wants to recapture what's left of his youth before time and death steal it from him.In other words, he's looking up into the black, stinking anus of death and its all too real. This being the case, he has his primal doubts. Grunts and all.Now here's a suggestion for you. If you want to get closer to him, then you have to tell him you are willing to explore with him, experiment with him, do anything he's ever wanted to do with you before and you were too afraid to try or couldn't afford to try before.You need to get him interested in life again. As a spouse that means telling him you are willing to do anything to make him feel happy again.If that doesn't work, then maybe you should show him the door. He might walk out, but in a short while he may come back.Being in his age bracket, I really don't like the door. I personally need the warmth and gentle sensitivity of the woman I love who will do anything with me and enjoy it. It didn't end up that way, but it was fun while it lasted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I'm in a similar place to the one your husband's in; not sure if that makes me a good person to answer or not.First question -- does your husband have a doctor? That is, a GP he sees on a regular basis? And if so, do you know the doctor at all?Second question -- are you seriously thinking about ending the marriage?Make an appointment for him to see his doctor. If possible, tell the doctor your concerns ahead of time. If the doctor is forewarned that depression is a possibility, and if he diagnoses it, hubby could be starting on anti-depressants that evening. Within a month or two you might recognize him again.Then tell your husband what you've done, in a loving, non-confrontational way. Offer to drive him to the appointment. But make it clear that *not* going to the appointment means the end of the marriage.Sometimes we just get stuck in a place where we're immobile, and we want someone to come along and make it better.Good luck, and do let us know how it goes.
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reader, MonicaC +, writes (19 August 2009):
 There is no easy solution to the problem you've described, and short of anti-depressants, I'm not sure what to suggest. I've struggled with depression in my life, and anti-depressants have been the only thing that made it possible for me to cope at times. If he doesn't want to be helped, then you can't help him. If he realizes there is a problem, then there is hope for a solution. But, you can't foist your own prescription on him if he won't accept it. Saving your marriage is a noble plan, but if one half of the equation refuses to be balanced out, then what can you do? If you dig in your heels and tell him he at least needs to see a GP for some anti-d's, then maybe he'll take some action. Sometimes, you have to truly take the bull by the horns.
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