A
female
age
51-59,
*opelessmarriage72
writes:My husband who is in denial has been putting me down for years for one reason or another. I will point it out to him as he is doing but he sees NOTHING wrong with it. I have question his love for me, but im so sure that he is NOT nor has ever loved me. He will sit there and laugh/smirk or giggle when I tell him what he is doing. He will look at me and say I have issues OR justify why he is putting me down at that moment by turning it back on me. I missed an interview a few days ago (Monday). I went through a family crisis (daughter) the day before and missed the interview. He knew this because I asked him for his advice. A few days later, bc he just felt like pushing my buttons, he asks ‘so didn’t your lazy a$$ go to the interview’. Mind you, he was serious. He was NOT kidding around. This goes on at least a few times a week andit could be about anything. HE complained about me not having a job, and when I land a job, he makes fun about that. Has put me down about my weight (walking behind me chanting “hey hey hey”.. has called me OLD. The list goes on. He cheated on me last year with a younger woman. Now, you would think that with what he did and promises he made, he would change. Well, its just gotten worse. And to this day, he will still laugh/smirk or grin when I bring anything up about his ways towards me. Yesterday, I smacked him on the arm twice. This is what its come to. I was telling him how he talks to me, how he puts me down and im sick of it and he just laughed OUT LOUDTo my face. I lost it. But, I did go up to him later, sat down and apologized for smacking him on the arm but he has YET apologized to me about what he said to me. What do you think about this behavior? No hope right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2014): My husband does the same thing to me.I feel unloved and humiliated.A few months ago,he was telling me that he wanted to have more kids w me,and I decided to remove my iud and start trying right away.Well,as soon I did that I found out he was on match.com flirting with other women,telling how pretty they were.When I went to confront him,he automatically denied everything saying they were just friends.Now he complains about everything I do,calling me nuts and making feel I'm not good enough.
A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 Wow that doesn't even sound like a marriage to me. He makes you pay all your own things and for your children too, whilst he spends money on stupid shoes??
Marriages are supposed to be about each partner being equal, sharing your lives together, helping and lifting each other up when the other falls - not kicking them down to the dirt.
Divorce him! Ask your family and friends for help to see if they can support you financially/emotionally until you get yourself back on your feet. You are worth SO much more than this!
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female
reader, hopelessmarriage72 +, writes (5 October 2012):
hopelessmarriage72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe saddest thing is that when he shows affection, which is NOT alot, i dont know how to act. I feel like a kid at a toy store. I try to treasure it, you know? make the moment last.
and there's alot more. With his mother, etc. I mean, my friends say its my fault for letting him treat me this way but how do i get out now?
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female
reader, hopelessmarriage72 +, writes (5 October 2012):
hopelessmarriage72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night, i was in the living room. Just watching tv . My kids were asleep. it was about 11pm.
HE comes in and says, "y are you watching JErsey SHore? ur such a loser" and puts up the Loser sign. Really? so im the only one watching this show.
he was in the bdrm watching football game on the computer doing fantasy football stuff.
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reader, eddie85 +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I really do sympathize with your plight.
What I suspect is going on is that your husband is bullying you to keep your self-esteem low. With your self-esteem low, you don't feel worthy and you are less likely to leave. In addition, you are probably an easy target at this point and don't put up much of a fight. Also the lower he pushes you down, the more manipulated you can be.
Let's look at what he is putting you through: he has cheated on you, he makes fun of your weight, and he belittles you because you are having problems finding a job. And yet, you probably continue to make him dinner, warm his bed, and provide him with company. You probably do his laundry and clean up his messes around the house.
You do have a few choices and I do hope you make one:
1) Get help. Find a therapist -- someone you can talk to. They may be able to help you and give you tools so that you can deal with your husband. Perhaps marital counseling for the both of you, but most importantly: get help for yourself.
2) Leave. Begin to get your ducks in order: stash some money and get a job so you can be self-supporting. This may take some planning and time but ultimately it could lead to your emancipation from him.
3) Do nothing. The cheating will likely continue as will the verbal abuse. I wouldn't be surprised if it escalates to physical abuse -- especially if you decide to fight back. To me, this is a dead end road and I hope you see that too.
Hopefully you'll think over what you are willing to do and gather the courage to act on it. Remember, you only have one life to live and YOU matter.
Whatever you do, I hope you take some sort of action. This is not how marriage is supposed to be.
Eddie
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reader, hopelessmarriage72 +, writes (5 October 2012):
hopelessmarriage72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all or uour responses. They mean alot.
@serpico. I was waiting for someone to make this response n your rihjt. You havent heard his side and if you did you would know as to why im on here. He will tell u exactly what im telling you except he would say there's nothing wrong with it. He has 2 things on me serpio.I dont drive and i have no money and live check to check. It wasnt always like this. I worked at a law firm for 8 years n lost my job in 2008. But i finally landed a p/t job n thats not enough. Y? Bc sometimes i have to ask him to orrow money til the wkd? That gives him a reason to call me a patheic 40 yr old with no future n its not a good look? For whom? Him or i? He cares for material things. He's old me if we didnt have money problems, wait orrection, if i didnt have oney prolems we woould be good. Thats not a marriage. Im doin everything incl taking care of him n kids. I still ook for him bc i wa raised not o ever leave ur family without a meal no matter what incl ur husband. Do u know that he wont eat unless i put his food on a plate? He will go to bed starving.
So like i mentined he will tell u that his problem with me is not Having money like him n not driving. Also i want to say that he spends so much money on jordan sneakers. And thats fine bc his money is his money like he says but he is removing me from his health ins bc i havent been able to give him my 1/2. He spends between $200-$450 a pair n somtimes weeks apart at a time so he is not struggling as i am and he will tell you he isnt struggling but he will aso tell you that he isnt going to contribute to charity (me) when i should be able to pay my own on what i earn. Im working pt n b4 ed of week im dishing out my ladt cent. I have 4 kids. Oh btw ive been in and out f dr's bc i may have ms.
I want no pitty. Thats not y im here. I just need opinions bc he says its me. Im the one with the problem. Not him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Honey,
You are a pushover. He lost respect for you years ago if he ever had it at all (no fault of yours lets make that clear), cheated on you, bullies you and antagonizes you weekly. The only reason it has gotten worse since his affair is because he's realized just how much of a pushover you are - if you can handle him having an emotional/sexual escapade with another women, why you can tolerate a heck of alot more. And so, his abuse turned up a notch.
Its really quite a sick game. You probably don't realize it but your confidence is quite bruised. Its easy to question yourself - whether you deserve such treatment, why it is happening and how YOU can resolve it. When truly, you do not deserve this at all, it is happening because he is messed up in the head/has no respect/is an abuser and you can't resolve it at all. NOPE. Why? Because it is his problem - there is something very sick and wrong with his personality. There is nothing you can do or say that deserves such treatment.
Only actions speak clearly in such situations. Put an imaginary wall around you - let his abuse deflect of the wall. It can't touch you. Then focus on yourself - get your finances in order, find a job quickly and without so much as a word - MOVE. Move to your parents or siblings, anyone with a stable happy environment. Separate from him. He's a monster. You deserve much better.
Go to counseling. Get yourself stronger. If he wants you back - he will have to work on himself through therapy and show some serious changes. Don't listen to words and promises, it didn't work after the cheating did it? You focus on yourself, your education, your career and child. You don't need this toxic abuser in your life.
It's hard to see it from the inside. I was in such a relationship at one point in my life - for 8 years. IT IS SO HARD TO LEAVE WHEN YOU THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE BETTER OR WILL NOT FIND BETTER. Once I left, focused on my career, education and my own life I realized just how horrible things had been. It too 4 years to realize I'm loveable and deserve to be treated like a princess. A week after leaving him I met my now husband. I am so blessed - he treats me like a princess.
You will realize all this once you leave.
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reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 You must stand up now for yourself. Your husband disrespects you clearly and despite of it, you asked an apology even if you don't have to. His behavior will not change unless you will change yourself and show him that you will no longer put up the way he is treating you.
If you continue tolerating his misbehavior that means as well you are teaching him to treat you that way, don't you think? I will not ask you to leave your husband because this might be salvageable but both of you need to help each other to build back what you have lost.
Both of you need to acknowledge the problems, the cause why your relationship ended this way. Fix the problems because I believe both of you create these problems. It may not be easy but you cannot just live on and blame each other. you need to work things out and think of some solutions.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I honestly don't know why you have put up with it this long, he is obviously making you unhappy and he will never change, he does not respect you and he has shown he cannot be faithful as well. If it was me I would have been gone long ago.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Great hubby you've got there. Tho' I must admit, I think he'd be a FAR BETTER EX-hubby, for you!!!!
Good luck.... and don't stay (with this idjit) so long that you are permanently scarred and unable to adjust to life with your self-respect and dignity....
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female
reader, franny1297  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 he doesn't love you. this is an abusive relationship. he's cheated on you. he puts you down. he makes you life a misery to live in. and he is not sorry for what he has done, draining you out like this adding his repuslive no-good insults. you are better than what he says about you! you are gorgous in your own way. what are you still doing with him? hhmm. what good is he doing for you? you don't even need him. i know you really can't take it no more, but he likes it that you get angry. he denys it so you think you are wrong. and i understand that you can't explain to him what he's doing but i tell you that he knows 100% what he is doing to you. without reacting, and KEEPING CALM, tell him that if he doesn't stop this annoying behaviour, or try to be less mean and more caring, you will take legal action by taking a divorce. if he doesn't listen tell him once more, if he doesn't care then he doesn't love you. yes, it's a big step but take action now before it's too late. your not old, not yet, but if you leave him too late, you'll realise that you've waisted your whole life being unloved and depressed. this is an abusive relationship. young, beautiful adult, go out and live your life with happeness, friends, family, new relationships. at least it will make you healthier and happier. you will be less in dispair. and you'll realise that if you leave him you'll be healthier physically and mentally. with the best of luck and lots of wishes, your agony aunt xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): You husband seems to have a lack of self-esteem himself. It's something I've seen in abusive partners, not necessarily physical abuse, but emotional. They will somehow feel threatened by their spouse or partner and will constantly put them down to make themselves feel better. It's nothing more than being a bully.
There is something missing in his life and instead of addressing it, he takes it out on you. Nobody is perfect, and he knows he isn't though chooses denial over acceptance and change.
By putting you down he's trying to break you and kill your confidence to the point of not feeling worthy at all. He wants you to feel special enough that a man like him, who believes himself to be the King, would choose to be with you, despite all the horrible things he's said about you.
He wants to break you down by showing you that despite the fact that he can get a younger woman, he chooses you. and slowly you will start doubting yourself of your self-worth and so on and eventually stay 'stuck' in this marriage.
I'm not advising getting a divorce. Hopefully, for your sake and your family's he will get help. Because he has low self-esteem and you could appear to be stronger than him in his eyes. So he attacks any chance he gets.
Honestly, the best thing to do is not only tell him to stop acting like a child, but to also give him the cold shoulder.
Because at this point, he doesn't even listen when you tell him how he makes you feel. He just laughs it off. Give him the cold shoulder, keep your head high and a blank face. He wants to get a reaction out of you. Don't give him the satisfaction.
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reader, Serpico +, writes (4 October 2012):
You probably want responses about how this behavior is unacceptable etc, etc, but reading your post leads me to believe there is a significant other side to this story. Ie, if we asked your husband about things you do he would have his own laundry list. Very rarely is it just one person. With that, I think a marriage counselor would be a better idea than confirmation on a blog site.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Hi there,
I'm really sorry but from everything I've just read I would think about leaving and pretty quickly. From what you have said it sounds like he provides you with no emotional support (saying your lazy butt didnt make it to interview even there was an obvious reason for it).
Also for cheating - this all serves the purpose of lowering your self-esteem thus making himself feel powerful. I feel so angry that he has made comments about your weight (Love and cherish - those are the marriage vows right?).
You sound like a very lovely lady but ground down by everything that's going on in the marriage. I think you know yourself that this isn't good (the 'no hope right' bit). You recognised that hitting him was wrong and apologised but what has he apologised for - zilch. I know I'm not living your life so can't give true advice but I'd say this isn't providing you with the basic tenants of a marriage (support, understanding, monogamy). Get out and get the love and the life you deserve.
You take care of yourself and remember that we all choose the way we behave. *Hugs*
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female
reader, AuntyAunt +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Your husband is a bit of a bully in my opinion. You don't need this dragging you down at all. You deserve to be treated far better than this. I recommend that you end this relationship, why would you settle for a bully when you could find someone who would treat you like a princess and actually have respect for you? You've got family and friends who love you very much, surround yourself with them and be rid of that idiot.
You deserve to be happy.
Best of luck!
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