A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I have had some trust issues with my husband in the past. Some of it he deserved, and some of it can be attributed to the fact that I tend to be a jealous person. I am having a similar issue tonight. He and I have been doing pretty well lately. He's been pretty sweet and giving and things have been going pretty well, other than he has been very busy and I haven't seen him much lately. I was using his work computer one night, and he had it open to his email account and I saw a chat conversation with a girl he never mentioned, so I read it. It was kind of flirty and jokey, no lines were crossed, but this girl was teasing him a lot and using really familiar words... not like a professional work discussion. So, since then I have been checking his work chat history pretty regularly, and he talks to this girl in this way daily. I found out she is a 20 year old new assistant who doesn't work in his office, but works in the headquarters where he has to go and stay sometimes. They seem to be looking for reasons to talk to each other every day. Her a little more than him, she is the one who initiates it most of the time. Again, nothing sexual is said, its not overt flirting, but I would never talk like that with someone at my job. They joke all the time and use cutesy words and little smileys and hearts and all kinds of nonsense. I don't talk like that, even with people I am friends with at work. I don't know if maybe this is because of her age, or if its because they save the more salacious flirting for phone/live conversation. My question is: since everything else is going really well in my relationship, should I keep reading these conversations? There is nothing I could accuse him of other than being friends with this girl. On one hand, I want to keep reading because I want to keep an eye on their relationship. On the other hand, I find it upsetting to read these exchanges, upsetting and futile in the end. I don't want to start a fight with him unless there is a reason to, you know? So, should I just stop this or keep reading?
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at work, flirt, jealous, teasing Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2011): I am sorry you are going thru this. I know what it is like. My husband has been doing this type of thing for about 2 years now. When confronted he lies untill pressed to the point of confession. He will then cut off communication with the felmale only after it has crossed the line (one girl kissed him a couple others have sent pictures of themselves). Unfortunately there is always another. IT has gotten to the point where I blocked these girls one by one from his cell phone. After a year of therapy I have come to the point where I can no long control the need for female "friends". We are waiting out the holidays and then I asked him to leave. This type of behavior isn't going to change and I find it disrepectful! Keep up with your counseling as it will help you. It has taken a lot of disappointment and pain to get tot he point that I am at but I know this is his problem not mine and I didn't do anything to cause it. I wish you the best.
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female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 I have been following your post and my blood is just boiling... I hope you are okay. You need to be a strong woman and leave him. I am trying to hold my tongue because I have so many "nice" things I want to call him for doing this to you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. There are a lot of great men out there, don't settle for him doing this to you. It looks like you have tried your best. Remember, he is the one with the problem and is a terrible person for ruining your marriage... You will end up a happier person without him :)
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
A European thing? That must have been the worst excuse I have ever heard. First of all, there is no such thing as European. If the states in America are like sisters living in one house, Europe is like a student flat with international residents. There is no "us" or "european custom", not really. I am from a European country and as far as I know this behavior isn't accepted anywhere, whether you're from Germany, France or America. For him to just assume you're stupid and throw it in your face while you have some legit concerns here is disrespectful and rude. It may have been a knee jerk reaction, but it's still a bad one.
Can I ask how you went about the confrontation? Also, what exactly do you want to achieve? Were you hoping for him to elaborate and quell your suspicions or were you acting with the end of the marriage in sight? Often, when two outspoken people have an argument, it makes them do and say impulsive and often stupid things. Basically I'm trying to get a picture to see if that's the case here, in which it is the toxic combo miscommunication and frustration that destroys everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI confronted him tonight because I was too upset not to say anything. He denies everything, says its just joking not flirting. He says its a "european" thing I don't understand because I am American. He refuses to apologize or change or stop. Its the exact reaction I expected. It makes it so much harder. I don't want to leave, but I can't go through this over and over :-( having a really bad night here.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
Thanks for the other follow up. Please understand that I only have your posts to go on and don't have access to the full picture. I tend to to compensate for that by presenting a more optimistic angle.
If your trust in him is completely gone, you will probably not find it back and without it I don't see this lasting either.
If I may ask, of what nature were hese other instances where you caught him with other women?
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (15 December 2011):
 Hi,
Hope you are ok... I replied to your request....
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your post maverick, but honestly my past "mistakes" don't look quite so much like my fault right now. I think he convinced me that I was "crazy" and "jealous" when actually, I had every reason to be, and he should have just taken responsibility for his flirtations. He never has, he doesn't apologize.
I think the only real mistake I made was believing him and taking responsibility for things that were NOT my fault. I am pretty much done here. Its very sad, but, there you go. I don't want to repeat the true mistake I made, which was allowing him to walk all over me and maintain inappropriate relationships with women openly in front of me.
I am not sorry for snooping, and I am not sorry for being jealous. He provokes me to it. I am done being sorry for his disloyal behavior, his betrayal. This is the third woman I have caught him lying to me about. I am done being stupid and taken advantage of.
I will try to get through this evening with him and talk with my counselor tomorrow before really talking with him. But, unless he truly suprises me during my discussion with him (and I hope with all my heart that he does), I don't see much in the way of a future. I am really upset. I don't think I can spend the rest of my life like this, there will always be some other woman who I unfortunately find out about one way or another.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
Well in that case I agree with you: it's not innocent. The deal with my dad and his coworker is something that has developed over the course of 10 years, which is why my mom and the rest of the family never viewed it as a threat: we all know her and my dad has discussed her from the start, like how a kid talks about classmates.
This contact has developed way too quickly. When someone suddenly devotes a lot of their time interacting with you outside regular office boundaries they are interested in something more. I think your husband realizes this and revels in the attention this young girl gives him. I think that's the reason it's quite one sided. However, this doesn't have to stay this way. You two have had your issues and the relationship must have cooled considerably for him to let this go on.
If he was content in the relationship he would have cut her off and not indulged her like he does now. I would argue that he would have mentioned her if it was innocent but since you two have had jealousy issues in the past I guess that doesn't fly.
By now there are roughly 3 options:
#1. Confront him like you planned, which can lead to 3 outcomes
-one: he'll get defensive and puts the blame on you for snooping
-two: after a big argument he more or less confesses, but blames you for snooping and adds that your jealousy is what drove him away in the first place
-three and best case scenario in this option: he'll promise to cut contact with her.
In all three the damage is done and trust in one another has gone from little to nothing.
#2. Keep your mouth shut and wait and see how it develops, which from what I've read from your follow up is basically a straight line to cheating land. The outcome:
- You'll be bitter towards him through this process and though he may suspect why it'll turn things between you even more arctic before the bomb bursts when he slips and cheats.
The last option and best one in my opinion.
#3. You don't confront him but instead choose to sit down with him and discuss where you both want this relationship to go. Don't go for the attack in this approach, because it'll only result in a huge fight. Just tell him that though you know you two have your differences and bumps in the road, you want this to work.
Be big on taking responsibility for your own role in this, like you did in your Original Post. By admitting your mistakes and not excusing them you take away his opportunity to smack you in the face with them. It also shows maturity and willingness on your part.
If he is any kind of decent man he'll start feeling guilty about this developing thing between him and his coworker. Basically you have to remind him why you two hooked up and vowed to be with each other 'till death do us part'.
We are all human and we all slip sometimes. He doesn't seem to have crossed the line --yet. This could still be salvaged but I won't lie: it'll take a lot of work. You need to decide if you're up for that, if he's still worth that to you. Also really talk with your counsellor about this so you can organize your mind, because on it's own without someone else to talk it over, it can be a scary place.
Sorry for the super long post but I hope it helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish it was a "little sister" type of exchange, but its not. Clearly, at least for her, its more than that. And anyway, I would find that inappropriate. If it was just weekly/monthly contact that might be something else as well, but its daily. There is no excuse, in my opinion, for his relationship being this close with her. He only just met her two/three months ago as well. They already have pet names. If this was the first time he has an inappropriate relationship at work, that would be different too, but its the third. I can't cope anymore. I can't always be making excuses for him to myself.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 December 2011):
To be honest I'm on the fence about this one.
My dad calls his younger coworker and wishes her a nice weekend and sends her sarcastic e-mails every week/month. My dad talks of her like a sister and she's been here some times and there's absolutely no chemistry between them other than the camaraderie you see between siblings and friends. So I know it's possible for it to be innocent.
That said it's a 50/50 chance it's not. The whole where there is smoke, there's fire deal could apply here. The problem is that he hasn't shared this part of his life with you and the only reason you know it's going on in the first place is because you've been snooping. Personally I would NOT open that can of worms until something more tangible comes forth. Something you can confront him with without exposing yourself.
But the real problem in this relationship is your lack of faith in him. Without trust, relationships are doomed. Talk to your counsellor about this before you do anything else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
So, since my last post things have gotten worse. I read more of their conversations, and found out they have pet names for each other. Also, three times during the last month, when he asks her how her day is she replied "Its not good because you're not here :-(". He eats is up and does nothing to discourage her. Its foul. I am going to see my therapist on Friday before talking to him, because I want to handle it better than I have in the past. He knows I am upset but has no clue why. He's disgusting to me right now. You can't really love your wife and talk with a 20 year old whore like that, in my opinion.
I am thinking of still saying nothing. This is a recurring behavior from him, and I think it will never get better and he is never really sorry. Plus, if I tell him, he will hide the conversations so that I can't read them anymore.
So, I might start to plan to leave him. There are a few things I need to take care of first, but, I need to decide if this is something I want to put up with for the rest of my life or not (and let me tell you... its not). I love him more than anything, he is my family, my whole world. I am really sad, but I can't let him walk all over me. He has no conscience when it comes to other women, I think. So, I have to go. I am a loyal kind person, and I deserve to be with someone who is at least loyal and kind as well, I think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): You are only torturing yourself by reading his e-mails. Conversations like these do start out innocently.... ** I have been there and then it usually leads to romantic/sexual feelings ..... Sounds like she has a crush on him and he is thrilled to be getting attn. from a younger women. You need to have a serious talk with him about their talks. ** I wouldn't trust him ( even know you want to. )
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): OP it starts with a phone call, an email, a little chit chat. If your hb is "investing" time and effort, if another woman is making him feel special, if he Needs to hear her voice Or has to keep in contact with her, then U do have a major problem. Every moment invested in that "friendship" means a little bit stolen from your marriage and relationship.This is how emotional and then sexual affairs starts......LoveGirl
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (14 December 2011):
Hi,
I am glad that you are doing well with your husband now. Just know that nobody have a perfect relationship, and you being his wife have the right to be jealous sometimes.
As you know, this is nothing serious, and your husband didn't meet the person outside work. I know for sure that your husband loves you. The truth is that he likes the attention this young woman is giving him. The flirting, knowing that she has a little crush on your husband probably makes him feel good as a man. Right now you don't have anything to worry about, but I am afraid that if they continue communicating in a daily basis this could lead to something... I am not suggesting he will, but cheating/affairs always start innocently. The man never has the intensions to cheat... So, you have 2 choices here:
1) keep checking his email?
2) confront him saying that you were using his computer and saw the email unintentionally? Tell him that you trust him but this makes you feel uncomfortable?
Good luck
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female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (14 December 2011):
I think it's out of order of him to be honest, and if that was my husband I'd be pissed off. The smileys and hearts thing is the bit that triggered this response in me. He needs to discourage her as she might have a crush on him, that would be the responsible and mature thing to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for the different points of view.
Mariab, you make an excellent point. Real trust means not spying and not looking for problems. Honestly, I know in my heart of hearts, that is the answer. To just trust him and let this go and stop snooping. Its just hard sometimes!
Anonymous, thanks for understanding, it sounds like you have had the same struggles as me. I wish I could just talk to him as you suggested, but I am afraid of opening old wounds (where I was jealous for no reason and we had massive horrible fights). I have asked him about this girl in a round about way, and I don't think he is super attracted to her. To an extent, I think you are right and even if I try to stop, I will probably still check up on him from time to time. But, I think I will wait to say anything about the chats until I read something that is clearly flirting. Right now, its just friendly. Friendlier than I would like, but nothing shocking or really inappropriate. I am going to try to let it go, because honestly I don't think anything is going on and I want to be happy and trust him. And I want him to believe that I trust him. I just hope I can keep up this attitude!
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reader, Mariab +, writes (14 December 2011):
 If you are looking for something...eventually YOU WILL FIND IT! I think that one of the most important things is to respect each other's privacy. Your continuing to moniter his conversations, seems like you are sure he will mess up and just basically looking for proof! Give the guy the benefit of the doubt... stop the investigations and just try to separate issues...if he messed up once, doesn;t mean he will do it always... also if you keep at him about trust and cheating etc... you will eventually push him to do it..coz he knows you don't trust him anyways..so what does he have to lose? good luck xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): well i am thinking that you are going to read them regardless of what anyone says! which i am not sure if that is good or bad, but i would most likely do the same. In fact, my boyfriend has caught onto this and we actually joke about it, as I often come to him with questions about who he is chatting with or ho that girl is and he just tells me like it is. I think that if he had something to hide, the reaction would be much much different. Maybe try talking to him about it. I don't know how your relationship is with him, if you talk about things in depth, or have crossed the "yes, i can be a crazy jealous psycho girlfriend sometimes so what" convo with him yet...which maybe it isnt normal for women to be this way with their significant others but who knows! I just found that penting it up and keeing stuff like that or anything else that is bothering me with him to myself, i end up creating a huge ordeal in my mind and drive myself insane. I turn into a wobbly sobbing mess. So now that I feel brave enough to confront him, and open with him enough to tell him anything and ask him anything and vice versa him to me...I feel a lot better.So i guess what i am saying is you aren't wrong to be worried. Confronting him about it may make or break how you see him..but would you really want to be with someone who is sneaky and emotionally cheating anyway? So cure your worries and just talk to him. I am sure, if he loves you as much as you think, there is a reasonable explanation. And if not, then you won't be dragged along in a relationship that was doomed to begin with.
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