A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some advice on whether I should listen to my head or my heart regarding my bf's marriage proposal. We've been together 17 months, and he's asked me to marry him. My initial reaction was to be very very happy... but I'm starting to give it some proper thought, and I'm not so sure I should marry someone I can't completely trust. I do love him, I care about him lots, and I would like to spend the rest of my life being happy with him. He's talked about us having a family, etc, all of which makes me glow inside. But, I don't trust him. There have been times when he has sent explicit text messages to another girl (which I discovered - he said he hadn't realised that could be hurtful, that he'd never do it again), then one night he ended up in bed with 2 other girls (drunk, said nothing happened), then, a few months ago, he was sending explicit Facebook messages to his ex-girlfriend, then a few months later to someone from work. He's also betrayed my trust in telling friends/his family about personal issues that I confided in him and asked him never to tell anyone about. Anyway, for the last 4 months, I think he has been trustworthy...nothing else has heppened top make my doubt him, so I am wondering if he has changed for the better. But, in my heart of hearts, I guess I think that if someone can treat you in that way once, they'll do it again... Am I wrong? I have forgiven everything that happened, have given him the benefit of the doubt several times, and despite the things that have happened, I love him more each day.So, I'm left trying to figure out whether I should accept the proposal or not... It came out of the blue, and he seems really happy.Do I go with my head (that says I would have to spend my life being worried that he is going to hurt me and betray my trust again) or with my heart (that says I love him dearly)?Any advice to help me figure this out would be most welcome :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): It's not a long time to know someone, 17 months, and in that short space of time you have learned not to trust him and been made unhappy by him. Usually the first bit of the relationship is the happiest, so if that's the case, what would the rest be like?
You could try suggesting that you will see how things go in the longer term and then decide. Say double the time. If he really means it and is capable of making you happy then he will come up with the goods.
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (14 December 2011):
You can't marry someone while you have these doubts. Why rush into anything. You can just carry on being together till you are 100 per cent sure of him, and if you never get to that point you should find someone else.That bit you said about people not changing does, on the whole, tend to be true. The behaviour you have had from someone tends to repeat itself, especially if you have been forgiving.Read the signs x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): You clearly think far more of him than he does you. That happens a lot but it doesnt make for a happy marriage, quite the reverse in fact. If you have been with him for 17 months and he has done all that to you, then there will be more to come. 4 months of goods behaviour from him doesnt cut it when you are looking for a life time commitment.Maybe tell him if he can prove he has changed by being totally faithful for a year, then you will consider his proposal. If he is prepared to be faithful to you for the rest of his life, he should be able to prove that by behaving for a year! At the end of that time, you will be better able to decide if it is worth the risk of marrying him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Always, always, always follow your head. Your boyfriend is untrustworthy and his excuses are weak. He is not husband or father material. Decline his proposal and send him packing. The longer you keep him around the more attached you'll get and the harder it will be to do what you need to do for your own well being.
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A
male
reader, lakers_lover09  +, writes (14 December 2011):
Think of marriage like a contract. Its an agreement,bewteen the two of u that u will love and respect e/o . remember, marriage is supposed to be lifelong.would u sign a life long contract with a person that you dnt trust? I wouldnt . Go with,ur head because thats where ur brain is lol it sounds crazy but,ur brain is doin what it,is supposed to do (putting its efforts into bettering you) and ur heart does what it is supposed to(gives out unconditional love to others). Ur heart cannot be trusted. It will always want to risk itself for this guy. U must use ur mind to control ur heart and to let ur heart know when it is ok to trust a man enough to marry him
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A
female
reader, armyofme +, writes (14 December 2011):
I think you should go with your head and not marry this man - at least not yet.
Your boyfriend has done a lot to damage your trust and has been wreckless with your heart. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour, but of course people can and do change.
Consider - what was he like when you discovered his indiscretions? Did he accept responsibility? Did he apologise sincerely? Did he go to any lengths to reassure you and help rebuild your trust? Did he understand, or attempt to understand the impact his actions may have on you? I tend to think that the men who're most apt to change their behaviour are those who're capable of going through this process.
Perhaps be more warey of a man who reacts to such confrontations with more lies or blame ("I did this because.. you don't give me enough space" etc). How can we learn from the mistakes we make if we are not able to take responsibility for, and ownership of them? The way a person deals with their mistakes can be just as telling of their fundamental character as can the very mistakes they make.
It seems to me he has a lot to prove to you in showing you that he can be trusted before you can take this relationship any further. Four months of trustworthy behaviour out of seventeen surely cannot be enough to warrant a lifetime commitment.
I realise this must be very hard - I think all of us have been there a time or two - we love a man dearly and because we desire his affection we are tempted to overlook fundamental problems in the relationship in order to keep it moving forward. And of course we fear that in not doing so we risk losing the relationship.
In truth, though, marrying this man at this time may even reinforce his negative behaviour. Perhaps you should tell him that you do not want to marry him at this time because you are not yet secure in the relationship and his past behaviour has damaged your trust. Tell him you need to see how things go for the time being, but reassure him you are willing to work with him on these issues.
If he loves you enough to marry you, he will be more than willing to give you all the time you need. He will be willing to offer greater transparency and reassurance, and prove that he is the man that you deserve.
Perhaps in doing so he will develop a greater awareness of the impact his behaviour has had upon your relationship, and understand the consequences of his actions. In doing so he will have greater respect for you and your feelings in future. He will respect that you are not willing to gloss over his indescretions for the sake of moving forward.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): I all in love for the wrong person then we get married shortly after. The same day he changed, the next day he call or send text messages to females he knew before me but he said they just friends. Because I loved him I just forgave him without him accepting his mistakes. I waited 2 years to see him changed but like this men they wanted like me or like you who can forgive them over and over again. Your guy knows that you can forgive him again, again and again. If I were you I would say "No" while it is early. Love + hurt =HURT. Think twice before speaking once.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 Head. Go with your head, because your head knows whats best for your heart in the long run, and we all know that love does not conquer all.
However, this doesn't mean you need to leave him. You just need to tell him that while you are positive to the idea of marrying him, the time isn't right. You and him still need to work through your trust issues in him before you can accept a proposal. So decline, for now.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (13 December 2011):
 If you have doubts and concerns I would advice you not to get married.
Trust is especially important in relationships and you say you don't trust him.
Please don't put yourself in a predicament where you will end up regretting it later.
You can always ask him for some time before you decide on marriage as you don't feel ready just yet, tell him you do love him dearly.
Air your concerns with him, relationships are about good communication skills.
If he truly loves you he wont rush you into anything or pressure you to go along with something your not comfortable or happy with.
I hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (13 December 2011):
 No you are not wrong, he has done so much in the past to hurt you, that off course you are going to have your doubts, you would be insane not to. Did you just forgive him each time for doing this? In doing that he feels he can walk all over you, I don't know maybe he has changed for the better now and realised what he has with you, but it will always be in the back off your mind the way that he treated you in the past.
I don't think it is a good idea to accept his proposal off marriage just yet. I think you need to be honest with him. Sit down with him and tell him how you feel, make him see how he has broke your trust and left you feeling insecure. He needs to know what exactly he has done to you. Why should you be the one to suffer while he is blissfully happy? No he needs to know the truth. He needs to spend quality time proving to you that he is trustworthy. So tell him the proposal is off until he shows you he can be trusted. Just see how hard he will fight for you. I hope it all works out in the end for you honey. Good luck.
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