A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone,first of all i would like to thank this site. everytime i am in trouble this is the only place i can go and at least release my problem. I grow up to what they called, disfunctional family. I got no love from my own parents specially from my own mother. The way she look at me its like i am the hitler in her life. I tried all my best to survive. Lots of pain and failure in my love life. Got cheated from a man( 2 times )got 2 kids from both of them. Now i am married. My husband is almost half of my age older than me. Please dont judge me, i do love him. He is gentleman, smart and really very supportive at me. Only he is not taking good care of him self. What i mean is, he is gainning so much weight. Its not that i cook very much, but he do really eat a lot. I tried a thousands of time to talk to him about this, he listen to me at 1 hour and then after he will eat again. Chocalates all kinds of fat food. Im getting depress now to what he is doing. I feel so sad, i am not happy anymore. Is it not enough that our age is already far, he still wanna be look like old fat man. Please dont critisize me, i do love him, its not only about the look but also his health i am worry about. I only feel very sad about this, because if he love me he will also look after himself. And i feel he dont love me anymore by doing this thing. I feel like, all my life its always a failure. And im getting tired to be in this situation. Please try to understand me. Thank you so much to all of you.
View related questions:
overweight Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): You have to be honest with him and tell him that you really are very bothered about him becoming so fat and letting himself go and becoming so unhealthy. it's not shallow! I mean, when you are married, and you're only allowed to be intimate with one person (your spouse) it's of the utmost importance that you remain attractive to your spouse.so the first thing is you have to be honest with him and not hide the full extent of your feelings out of fear of hurting him. Better to hurt him now with honesty if it gives him a chance to change for the better, than to keep quiet and as a result things only get worse and he gets even fatter and more unhealthy and you become even more disgusted.Being honest with him, even if it hurts his feelings, is also a show of concern. Because there are times when THE TRUTH HURTS. That's just a fact of life. If the truth is inconsequential then white lies are perfectly fine to be nice and spare your partner's feelings. But this is not inconsequential so it has to be said. Now if your husband is informed of just how serious a problem this is to you, then you reach the next stage which can go either way. Either he accepts what you're saying and tries to lose weight which by itself can be a long arduous process because people often gain a ton of weight (not just a few pounds) due to (if it's not a medical problem) depression and other deeper seated emotional issues that need to be found and addressed before weight loss can be successful. Since he is eating and eating all the time, I'm thinking he has emotional problems. He could have a medical problem so ask him to get checked for that but to do that you still have to be honest with him first. So, him agreeing to lose weight is just the start of a long journey. And that's even if he agrees with you after you're honest.If instead, he reacts to your honesty in a negative way and more problems result, then you have to deal with those too. But the possibility of this happening shouldn't stop you from being honest with him because if this would happen, that means that there were more hidden problems to begin with and avoiding them doesn't make them go away. In fact avoiding them in the past is probably what allowed the problem to continue and continue for so long until you're at this stage now.I think the first step is you have to be honest with him and tell him exactly what you've told us here, which is that his weight and overeating ARE a big deal, and WHY. Take time to figure out HOW to say it to be as gentle and encouraging as possible, but without compromising or downplaying YOUR feelings and opinions. Then based on how he responds, you can come back here and ask for more advice!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): Hello,
Im the one who write this message i just dont know how to go back on the same question so i write here. To Mariab, Marieclaire and worldywise thank you for the opinion and advice. My husband and me are nearly 17 years married. He is actually already big before. But he do already operation to make his stomach small. That was 10 years ago. He also wanted not to gain so much weight. I think the right words here is, he is food addict. He already go to theraphy etc. something like that even EA ( eating anonymous )But that was some years ago. And yes he got succeeded. He lost a lot of weight for 4, 6 years. But then its starting again now. He start eating and eating again now. Im trying to talk to him in any way, even in diplomatic way that he must not give up this. He must continue doing this diet because he worked already a lot and somehow now i have a feeling he is giving it up. I am trying my best to tell him, this is the real time that he must continue doing diet specially now that he is getting more older. Actually im trying to understand him. But i am really scared about him. His health and of course his gaining weight so much. My god i am very small woman i am only 45 kilo, if something happen to him i can not carry him easily ( dat is only a joke, of course everybody can find a way ) but yes i am very concern in his health and maybe im getting too much affected on this thats why im getting now also depress and feel that maybe he is not happy with me anymore or dont love me anymore thats why he is giving up up his diet already. The connection of me saying im from disfunctional family is. I dont wanna lose my husband so early just because of this problem. I have only him and my children and as long as i can please the lord, i wanna keep them with me.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012): I think your more concerned by the fact your possibly going to outlive him, his lifestyle may shorten his life expectancy - your more concious of his age now.
You can only be responsible for your own health,he's an adult and is making the choice to enjoy his food,regardless.
Perhaps you could point out other reasons why he may want to stay healthy and eat less but ultimately its his life and body.
...............................
A
female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (9 January 2012):
 First of all... I don't think that anyone should criticize you for the choices you made (to marry someone older). You should not feel the need to apologize for that at all...
Weight is not an easy topic to discuss with anyone. I think that you cannot make yourself miserable because he is stuffing himself of cakes and getting out of shape. Talk to him about your concerns. However, you should maintain your position. Exercise, eat well - look and feel great and hope that he can make an effort to change. I don't think that he is doing this coz he doesnt love you anymore...he is prob just very comfortable in the relationship! he could also have a sugar problem which would make him eat more!!! and crave sugar!! Ask him to do a test. If you approach the weight thing from a "I would like to help you" scenario as opposed to "why are you doing this to yourself" you may get better results. Good luck hunny!! Please feel free to contact if you need to talk to someone. It seems a bit much for you! xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 January 2012):
 If you are between the ages of 36 and 40, and he is half your age older than you, he's between the ages of 53 and 60. He's already what some people would call "an old man". Having a belly does not change that much.
I don't think the problem is about his eating. It would seem that the problem is about his looking "old". How long ago did you marry? I suppose that those years he's older than you would always show, no matter what.
Someone can love you a lot and still have trouble with weight. In fact, you could say that about many people around the world.
You feel your life is a failure. I don't know about that, but I have the feeling that his losing weight wouldn't make you successful. The problem is not in your husband, but elsewhere.
...............................
A
male
reader, tobson  +, writes (9 January 2012):
I dont really understand what the first part about your dysfunctional family has to do with your husband gaining weight.
I dont think it is fair to say that he must not love you because he is "trying to become fat". As somebody who loves sweets way to much (fortunately I do enough sports to even it out) I must say that it sometimes is hard to keep of it. You could almost call it an addiction, as your body reacts and desires sugars.
Can you help him by cooking more healthy and only buying healthy sweet snacks to replace the nasty food he eats? Does he still work and buys his own lunch/sweets? During vacation with my family I eat way less sweet because there simply isnt any there.
And why do you think your life is always a failure?
...............................
|
