A
female
age
41-50,
*eecemja
writes:I am worried about my relationship with my husband. About a year after we got married I got a call in the middle of the night saying my husband had been arrested at work. It turned out he had a warrant out for his arrest. I had just given birth to our daughter and so my mental state wasn't all there. We talked about it and he promised to never lie to me like that again. 3 years later he was arrested again for the same reason. I really don't want to get into the why. It wasn't anything like drugs or gangs. He promised me again that It would never happen again and he would always be there for me. By then we had 3 kids and I wasn't sure what I was going to do. His family kept blaming me, suggesting I was the reason for not taking care of him. We both worked and had 2 kids to take care of, I can't constantly babysit my husband. Of course it happened again and this time I was 6 months pregnant with my son and his car was abandond on the side of the road. Luckily not very far. The arresting officer came to my home with my husband in the backseat of the car to tell me I needed to go get the car before it was towed. so I had to walk my kids to the car with 3 car seats in my hands at the same time, pick up this car and bring it home. My son is almost 4 and he hasn't been arrested since, but he has become a little abusive. I recently was having an asthma attack and needed help. I kept saying "help me" but all he would respond with was "what am I supposed to do? I don't know what to do. Just call your mom" He then went to bed . My mom lived almost an hour away from me so I had to drive myself to the hospital. I sat there all night and when I got home he took the keys and left for work. A little while later, at dinner time I had gotten a piece of food stuck in my throat. I couldn't get it to go down and it was making it very hard to breathe. I was crying, scared and didn't know what to do. I was throwing up saliva cause nothing would pass. My husband, instead of getting me help, spent the evening talking loud behind my back calling me all kinds of curse words. Complaining about my crying. I decided to say "I can hear you". He responded "good". Once again I had to drive myself to the emergency room and sat there alone. When I came home the next morning he said "We will talk about your incident last night after we go garage selling." We never talked about it. He still continues to curse at me from another room. Today I mentioned there wasn't much bacon left so I decided to just skip breakfast. He decided to start throwing things, picked up our son and left. I called him and said "you forgot to say goodbye" He responded "yes I did" and then hung up on me. Whats hurts the most is that fact he walks around proud of it and rubs it in my face. I get in trouble if I say anything and I get in trouble if I don't say anything. I have no education and haven't worked in a very long time. I have tried finding work but is very difficult to do right now with this economy. I feel stuck like this cause I need a home for my kids. He is just now starting to treat me like this in front of the kids. Can someone give me some advice?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 June 2010):
I'm completely with RCN, the post below. You need to get away from this man right now, before your children become disturbed. I understand that it's hard, but believe me when I say that it will be harder if this continues and your kids either become disturbed by his behaviour, or worse still start to copy it. The first thing you need to do is get away, even if it's just to a hostel. Then you can start over.
A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (13 June 2010):
If he will go with you to couples counselling you could give that a try.
But it sounds unlikely and you need to devise an exit strategy.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (13 June 2010):
 With his family blaming you for his actions, seems as if he grew up not taking responsibility and placing blame for his actions as well.
You understand that some relationships and some marriage just don't work out. This is not your fault. You cannot be blamed for his actions, but you are responsible for yours. Knowing this situation, and how the abuse is escalating, can you and the kids stay with someone until you get a job or complete a training program offered by your department of family services? My ex-wife, not in an abusive relationship, but primary caregiver for our children took a computer course. She received a certificate, and they assisted her in getting a job at a credit union as a teller. After a couple of years, she was promoted and is currently a bookkeeper at that credit union.
You need to first and foremost be safe for you and your children. That should now be your number one concern. Work on the rest after you get that accomplished. Even staying temp. at a shelter is better than where you are now. I have worked with domestic violence for a long time. I can tell you that staying there and trying to get the job, save the money, then move will not work. Reason being, your husband will assume a certain level of control over your working, and finances.
Today!!!! You call your mom, friends, a victims advocate (district attorney's office can refer), or a shelter to get your plan in motion to get out of this situation. Get safe, then you can begin rebuilding your life for you and your children. You deserve a better environment and so do your children.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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