A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. We never had sex until a year after started dating. I didn't want to at first because I wanted to wait until we get married, but he couldn't. Somehow I could understand that and so we started to have sex. We even move in together. After a while, it started to get boring. And from time to time, there's more things that I don't like when having sex with him; things like I started to hate the morning sex and I couldn't get orgasm. To be honest, I always masturbated after having sex with him. He always get mad when I couldn't get orgasm so I always fake it and masturbated afterward. This past few weeks, I started to not feel attracted to him anymore. I always feels like we should take sometime alone but he doesn't want it. The fact that we live together make it more difficult to me. He's a bad tempered man, so it makes it difficult for me to talk to him. He always gets the wrong idea when I tried to tell him something which then turn out to be an argument and then a fight. This thing have been stressing me out lately. I don't want to do bad things behind his back (like cheating and stuff) but I'm not sure if this is normal (of not being attracted to him). Could someone help me out, maybe gave me some tips. Maybe somehow this is my fault.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Time to move on is right, chemistry is not there, no one can force that and you are far, far too young be considering ever staying with a guy for the long-haul UNLESS you love each other equally.
Dating is dating, meaning you get to know each other FIRST, all the good and bad things you like or dislike, before ever contemplating moving in with each other. Living together is NOT dating, why are people moving in together when they haven't had time to discover if there's love and attraction after the initial sparks, that takes time, and only then, if the depth of attraction has grown along with mutual respect and love for each other, would you talk of moving in together.
My advice would be, go it alone for awhile, be single, get to know yourself from your own home, and date men until you find one you think might have what you're looking for.
I won't comment on the sex, as having no attraction or chemistry pretty well answers that part of your question.
JIlly x
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (13 June 2010):
Time to move on. There's some great advice below.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): Yeah that's true. but believe me I've tried breaking up more than 4 times before. Never work though. We end up on a messy fight and then back together again. I've lost the love I had over time but believe me, I don't have any choice left but to move on with him, considering we've been through quite a lot together and have no money to start a single life back. Being a girl who talk less than the guy is never easier. Pray for me that we'll work out as a good couple because I don't want being old and feeling sad inside (secretly). I can see that he's trying to throw away his temper although somehow I've lost hope. The only reason I stayed with him is that he's the only guy that makes me feel safe; regardless of those fighting and stuff.
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A
male
reader, rivi  +, writes (13 June 2010):
Break up; move out; and move on.
But don't make a great theatrical production of it or seek someone to blame ...... Tell him you've just realized you are incompatible 'not your fault' and you should both put it down to experience.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 No,it's not normal and no,it's not your fault. It may be nobody's fault, if there's no chemistry there's no chemistry,it happens.
Othere people will tell you that a relationship is not about sex, and that passion fades away in time etc.etc. And that is true,in the sense that relationship based solely or mostly on physical attraction are doomed and likely to crumble any moment. Yet I don't think you can plan to stay together forever or for a long time without mutual attraction, pretty soon you 'll feel even more deprived and resentful than you feel now.
I am not surprised that you find your sex life boring, the wat it goes now is more like a chore, if every time you have to put on a big production and seek your satisfaction secretly on your own.
I guess that could be fixed (maybe ) if you could have an open and honest communi8cation with your bf and if he could not take personally your insatisfaction as his fault or failure - but he being the type of guy he is , I think you'd be happier just moving on to someone more compatible.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (13 June 2010):
 You wanted to wait, but gave in because he wasn't willing to wait any longer. You are clearly sexual, because you satisfy yourself when he can't do it for you. You're finding sex with him boring, and he's a demanding partner.
My read on this is that you made a mistake moving in with him. He is simply not the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. He doesn't want to have 'just you two' time, he's bad-tempered ...
Move on and chalk this up to experience. It's no fault of yours that it's not working. It just wasn't right to begin with.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 June 2010):
 That's the thing about living together. We see things about our partners that we didn't during the initial rush of attraction. If people move in before there's mutual true love, how can the attraction last the bodily noises, tempers, snoring, financial differences, and idiosynchasies of individuals?
This is one of the most valuable lessons you can ever learn, and that's NOT to do something you don't want to do. You wanted to wait until marriage, and you let him convince you to go back on what you wanted for him. You also moved in with him even knowing that he wasn't lighting you up, and now that you live with him, you're really seeing the incompatibility. You're faking orgasm to placate HIS ego while denying your own enjoyment and fulfillment.
Move out and go through the incredibly difficult transition back to singlehood. Don't discuss it with him and let you be coerced and convinced otherwise. For the first time in your life, stand up for what YOU want, and don't back out of it, or you'll let men roll over you for the rest of your life.
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