A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for two years now. My husband is a very controlling man and extremely domineering. He becomes jelous or angry at me for the most absurd reasons such as me hanging the clothes out to dry when his brother is in the backyard. (his brother said hi to me in a totally normal way.)When i try to call my family, he grabs the phone away from me. Once he found numbers of co workers in my phone and decided to take the phone away from me. I begged him to return it but he only hid it and traumatised me into deleting the numbers.When we have arguments he often spits at me and calls me vulgarities such as bitch or worse. He has spit at me many times even in front of his mother and thrown water in my face. I am very scared to talk to him about this or anything else because he will just hurl vulgarities at me or start shouting to go fuck myself. Recently i discovered that i had problems with my ovaries and i returned to my home country for treatment. My husband refused to let me go and he kept insisting that i was leaving him even though i only left for medical treatment. The whole situation got so bad that i literally had to run out of there to the airport. He keeps insisting that i betrayed him and that no husband has to endure what i put him through. I dont understand how he can be so selfish when all i want is to seek medical care. As soon as i landed in my home country , my husband called me and started cursing me out asking me to burn in hell and calling me a bitch. A few days ago, i went out with my mother and he yelled at me on the phone for that saying that im manipulative and that i should burn in hell. Im so scared of him but i love him so much at the same time. Please tell me why he is this way? I cook and clean for him and take good care of him but he does not even want to get a job. He spits at me and calls me vulgarities, pulls my hair and never listens to anything i have to say. Yet there are times when he is caring and loving and shows affection for me. I am broke now but he is insisting that i steal some gold from my family to buy a plane ticket to return to him.I love him so much but i cannot do this. I never used to be like this, i used to be an independant girl with attitude but two years of living with him and being domesticated has made me weak. For two years i was locked up in the house most of the time..Alone in a foreign country, in a part of town where nobody speaks my language. I dont want that life anymore but i love him so much. Also he never allows me to watch movies i like without accusing me of lusting over the actors and he flies into a rage if i even say 1 word to a male member on an online forum. ( nothing inappropriate). He claims that every time he hits me or spits at me , that it is not him and its just a manic reaction so i should be understanding but deep inside i know only a man who does not love me would do that but he insists that hes so in love with me.Please tell me what i should do?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (25 April 2012):
IMO, stories like this need to be put in another context to bear out the question. I submit to you -
"I have a car. I take very good care of it - I wash it and wax it regularly, and do all of the scheduled maintenance ahead of time. Yet, after all of that, for some reason it keeps failing me. Yesterday, the brakes failed going down a hill and we almost crashed. The week before that, the carb caught fire and I almost burned up in it. Just before that, the steering wheel came off when I was making a turn and we went into a ditch.
What should I do? Please, I need advise and am so lost!"
Its really the same story. What would you tell your friend to do with that car? Proceed accordingly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Hi. Stay with your family, dont steal from them and dont go back to your abuser. For that is what he is. He is not a husband.
You say two years of being domesticated has changed you. You were not domesticated. You were physically and emotionally ABUSED! You need to keep away from this bully and invest in some counseling to help you to recover from his abuse. You might think you love him but what you are feeling is not real love. It is a form of dependance brought about by his abuse.
Do have some counseling and try to avoid any contact with this person.
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A
female
reader, Martinizum +, writes (25 April 2012):
That isnt love..you say you love him..would you treat him like that or anyone you love? Hes not just physically abusive but mentally..which is worse..your a prisoner in your own home life an marriage..think mire if yourself..you deserve better.an when you stop hoping an wisjing hell change an be who you want him to be..you will see hes not ever going to be..he will never change..u arent the first or last woman he will treat that way..once you stay were u are for a while you will see heisnt in love with u he doesnt no what love is..ficus on yourself an believe u will someday meet a man who knows hiw to love an will treat you the way you deserve to be treated..not like an object nit a a possesion you are noones posession..i really hope u dont go back..noone should have to deal with that..good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Can you stay on with your family, forfeit all that remains in his country, and never go back?
I am truly afraid that if you do not do this, he will physically hurt you, or worse. There sounds nothing redeeming about this man. The times when he seems affectionate are the 'Honeymoon' periods of an abuser. He will never change, and this man sounds capable of great violence. You could end up in hospital, or worse.
Please consider this, and look online into cases where a husband behaves in this manner. It is good you are currently in another country out of his reach; please stay there. Tell your family the way your husband behaves.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (25 April 2012):
You should never return to him. He wants ownership, and u are not a purchased vehicle that should be controlled. Stand up for yourself. If u are too afraid to speak then obviously this man isn't for u. Let him divorce u and until he does divorce you stay his estranged wife. He doesn't deserve to have you by his side to love n support him if he is only going to physically and verbally assault you. See this for what it is. What advice would you give your mother or sister if she was going through this, so take your own advice and get away from this marriage for good. Marriage does take work but some things are immediate deal breakers such as abuse. If you stay with him and bare daughters you will teach them by example that abuse is okay even until death. Would not it rare you to bits to know that you set that example for her and the outcome was tragic for her. Think precious, its not just about you but any future or current children.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2012):
 He's this way because he's never grown up and has the emotional maturity and balance of a two year old, only with a mean streak. I expect his father treated his mother terribly and he thinks it is normal. It is not.
Be thankful you are with your family. Don't steal from anyone and do please tell your family about how you have been treated in the marriage. And don't go back, you will never be happy with such a man.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 You should stay where you are, with people who love you and dont abuse you, who trust you and care for you.
And if you can you should seek some counselling or therapy, to learn some techniques for dealing with this abusive man who is trying to get you to steal from your family.
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