A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have decided to leave my husband of 22 years due to his recent affair, visiting strip clubs and partying at bars. I have two children ages 19 and 17. They have no idea what their father has done. How do I tell them we are divorcing without me being made out as the bad guy? Their father is excellent to them and they worship the ground he walks on. I do not want to destroy their relationship, but I don't want them hating me for leaving.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2012): When I split from my children's father, I told them I would tell them more information when they are older, and as we have talked over the years, I have found out my ex told them different reasons which were untrue. I think a little bit of information at their age might be helpful. My kids love it when I am upfront and honest. Sometimes I have told them some hurtful things, and they might even cry but they have said they are so pleased I told them. (My kids are young adults like yours). Be respectful of your husband when you tell them anything, and ensure they remain respectful of him too. 'His choices are hurting you and you no longer agree on the terms of your marriage'...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): OP it's probably best to be truthful with them if other people know of the reasons as it is massively unfair to have other people know the reason behind the divorce but not your children. This happened to an old schoolfriend of mive when we were younger whose mum had an affair that she didn't know of but was public knowledge. It was horrible to watch her find out the truth from the mean girls at school and have to deny it even though it was the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Speak to your husband and come up with a mutually agreed neutral reason. Just simply agree with him to tell them that neither of you have been in love with the other for a few years now and you wanted to wait until they were old enough before you went your separate ways.
It's not their business to know the true reasons and there is no need to spoilt their relationship with either of you because of it. You want your kids to judge you based on your abilities as parents, not on what happened during your relationship.
Don't do this "tell them the truth" bullshit. It's none of their business and it has no effect on his ability as a father, so why make them lose out for some petty vendetta?
They deserve to keep both parents, and judge them only as parents. These aren't friends OP, they're not equal adults they're your responsibility and it would be unfair to drag them into this.
They don't need to know any more than they need to know ho big your husbands dick is or how often you give him blowjobs etc. Your relationship with him is none of their business, they're your kids and don't need to know everything just because people think it's right thing to do, it's not. You're supposed to protect your kids, not destroy their faith in their own father when what he did has nothing to do with his ability to be a good father.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 Don't say anything, and if the demand to know then just say the truth. If they don't ask then there is no need to tell. Perhaps you should have their father tell them instead of you? Perhaps you should sit down with them and tell them together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): They are old enough for the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): They are old enough to hear the truth, tell them he has had an affair and frequented strip clubs and you can't move on from it and you know you will both be happier if you separate. Reassure them that it in no way affects his capabilities as a father and that you know he is a very good father to them and appreciate the strong relationship they have with him.
My partners parents divorced when he was 18 and his mum literally said "your dad has met another woman and has done this before, I tried once to repair things but it happened again so we are boh happier out of the marriage" He thought his Dad was an idiot because there really was no one better than his mum! But it didn't affect his relationship with him and he respected that the marriage is their business and he didn't even really mention it to them after that, just let them sort things out. I thought I'd mention that just so you could see how things panned out in a similar situation. Your children will soon be beginning their own, independent lives and when they move out/ go to uni... then you deserve to be happy too. I am sure your children will understand. Best of luck x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): There's nothing to be feared about telling them the truth, as long as you can be mature about it and not lose your cool and make a spectacle of yourself. Simply state the facts of what happened, but you certainly don't have to and shouldn't share every sordid detail with them. But they should know the truth of why their parents are divorcing. Not knowing what's going on is going to undermine their confidence. They are practically adults now so you shouldn't be protecting them from things like this.Be a role model to your children that (a) There are certain standards for conduct while in a marriage and relationship. (b) disloyalty to one's partner absolves the other of any obligation to stay loyal. (c) You can deal with conflict and end relationships with dignity and composure. I want to stress again that you should set the tone that you are still a family even though you are no longer married, and that what your husband did was wrong but in no way does it mean he's not a good father. He's a horrible husband, but he's still a good father. if they lose respect for him, well, that's his own doing. It will be his responsibility to repair his relationship with them.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): You are not the bad guy for telling the TRUTH.Your kids are old enough to be thinking about the difference between right and wrong.You do them no favors by hiding the truth from them, truth which is not yours to hide because you were not the one in question who did all that stuff.And if you did hide it from them and many years from now they find out, don't you think they will not appreciate that you lied to them and played a part in maintaining "family secrets"?You should explain to your kids that you are divorcing their father because of exactly what he did. Your kids deserve to know the Truth of how adult relationships work - which is, certain things are 'deal breakers' for marriages. Don't worry about how your kids will think of their father from now on - that's HIS problem not yours, because he's the one at fault. By telling them the truth you are not at fault for destroying their relationship - he is the one at fault for destroying it by doing things that make them lose respect for him!!Don't worry about how your kids will think of you for divorcing. It's your marriage, your call, your children do not get the final say in your marriage to your husband and they need to learn that.If you protect your husband's reputation, you are helping to create and perpetuate family LIES.My best friend since childhood found out - when we were adults - that her father had been having affairs pretty much ever since before my friend was even born. And that her mom knew it all along, but chose to stay with him and kept it a secret even as he continued. Finally when we all found out, my friend was of course devastated to learn this, and it's been 10 years since the secret came out and she still has issues with her father but is working on them. She has learned to forgive him and see him not as someone who is all-bad or all-good, but as a normal person who has good qualities as well as flaws just like all of us. it challenged her to re-examine her view of what it means to LOVE someone and to be humble in judging or not judging others. If you lie to your children about what their father has done to protect them, you're denying them valuable life lessons that should be theirs to learn because they are in this situation whether they know it or not.In other words, I feel that total and complete honesty is the way to go. And then let the cards fall where they may and deal with it when that happens.good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 April 2012):
 They are old enough to know why, it doesnt have to be sordid, just tell you feel unable to accept a third party in your marriage, and that their father's behaviour leads you to beleive he may be happier if given the freedom to act as he wishes. Just dont bad mouth him, you can tell the truth without pointing fingers or blaming.
Your kids will survive, as long as BOTH of you agree to act respobsibly, honestly and with ethics. If you need reassurance look at Princes William and Harry .... the most horrendous divorce and torrid details made public, but the kids knew both parents loved them.
Good luck in the next chapter of your life,
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