A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband told me tonight that we should separate. He says if I went away for a year and lost some weight and sorted my pms, out he would reconsider. I am very hurt. Last week he hit me over the head with a glass and caused injury. He says it is my fault for causing an argument. He left me to get help and prevented my son from helping me even though I was calling for help. I managed to stop the police from prosecuting him etc because he would lose his job and respectability. I love him should I leave or do u think relate can help. I feel so confused and hurt. I have let him have everything he wants. New cars, choice of furniture etc. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, daisy 35 +, writes (14 September 2010):
hey u shud really get counselling or if you think you are beond that leave its domestic violence you shoudnt have to put up wiv a man hittin you even though he is your husband you have a son aswell this will affect him trust me .........take care
A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (12 July 2010):
 You need to separate. I can control myself when I am pissed off as easily as I can control myself when I am in bed with a woman.It is never your fault when you are hit by a man, barring you shooting him or something to that extent. Do the right thing. Separate.Please.
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A
male
reader, brightonman +, writes (5 July 2010):
Hey, I hope you are good, and please allow me to post a comment, even though I am a man.
I have been married for 13 years, I have never hit my wife. I would never dream of it. We have, as everyone else have had, some pretty juicy arguments. Violece have never been there. Why would I hit someone who is physically much weaker than me? Imagine if I twated a 5 foot guy in a bar? (I am 6'3"). It is just not on. I have never been in a fight, roughing up a woman is inconseivable.
Last week though, my sister in law was beaten up by her husband. Lets call him John. John is a really really nice guy. We go on really well (we are not close friends, but for family gatherings, we have a connection). I know John, I love my sister in law. So, there are no problems with sides.
Having thought about this, read about is - a lot, it seems to me that most (!) men will never ever hit their wives. The ones that do once, they will ALWAYS do it again. I really dont think there are any therapy session (read about them above) that will do the trick.
It is a question of control and values. Control can be sorted out, but if someone think deep inside it is ok to hit a woman, well, therapy or not, it really is ok.
Girls, if I was with any one of you and I hit you - LEAVE ME!
All the best (I am a mathematician, not a professional)
DB
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A
female
reader, SweetKisses50214 +, writes (4 February 2010):
 My husband hit me with a can once in a arguement. He was in the kitchen and I was in the bedroom. He says it was an accident but I don't believe him. If I stay with him will the violence get worse?
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A
female
reader, tabanks +, writes (24 April 2008):
You should do whatever it takes to keep you safe, sound minded and sane as an individual. I don't want to tell you what to do but I would like to equipped you with something that will encourage you in your tough decision and letting you know that you are not alone.Please read my book which is a piece of my story and six other brave women who have not only gone through abuse but survive. He Won't Hit Me, He Won't Hit Me Again, We Thought That Too By T.A. Banks.I had to walk away from new 4 bedroom house (which was fully furnished), my job, my car and leave the state I was living in to start over again (this is the second time I had to do this). But I am very happy and free. (personal information removed by moderator)To settle is to survive but to live is to soar. I chose to soar and live.Tamara
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A
female
reader, NCMomma +, writes (16 April 2008):
Wow...I have been in almost your exact shoes. Three yers ago my husband hit me and pulled my hair, etc. I did not turn him in for the EXACT SAME REASON!!! I regret it now. I should have turned him in and used that as a way to get out. He was never really sorry and told me that it was my fault because I said "shit" and hearing a female curse sets him off he says. When he did this back then I left for a week and made him go to anger management counselling before I would go back. He went to two sessions, I went back and he quit, coming home with the reasoning above - "you don't curse, I don't hit you. The problem is, you never will feel the same about him again. You will never know when he is going to lose his temper. You won't ever see him the same again. I don't want my husband to touch me. I can't change the way I think of him though I have tried and tried. He has not hit me again...but I know now that he is capable of it. So...what else are they capable of? For your son's sake...get out now....don't wait. Use this as your opportunity to get away. You will probably always love him...it doesn't matter. Love your son more. Love yourself. Get out and use this as your means to be sure you get full custody of your son and as much child support as possible. I'm telling you, whatever you had with him before will never be the same. And he is being mean and cruel and disrespectul of you, even aside from hitting you with the glass. Please get out now!!! if you wait, and he doesn't hit you again (which of course I hope he doesn't) you will no longer be able to use this incident in court after a while. You must get out!!! Now!!!
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (28 March 2008):
 if one person glassed another in a pub it would be serious and they could get sent down. this bully has a lack of respect for you. if you had him prosecuted for glassing you and then got a divorce you would rake in his cash like there was no tomorrow
you need to be pragmatic and ruthless as this is an opportunity to free yourself from his dictatorship and start a new life. in order to do this you will need money and he owes you for the self esteem he has robbed you of. rinse him dry and drop his carcass in the gutter to rot as he has not got a leg to stand on...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008):
What are you doing still considering if you should stay or go?? Listen your husband has already hit you causing you an injury, then wouldn't let your son help you – even tho you could have been seriously injured?? Who knows what might happen the next time this happens and don’t say it won’t because if he’s done it once and gotten away with it, he will do it again! So what if he loses his job and respectability? Isn’t it worth him losing all that rather than you losing your life? In my eyes any man that raises a hand to hit a child or woman loses any respect I may have had for them.
So, you love him does that give him the right to treat you the way he is? Do you think that if he had any love or respect for you that he would do this to you? By letting him have everything he wants he is using this to his own advantage and will bully and wear you down until you give in to him.
Its not only yourself that you have to think of – there is also your son involved too. Please please take on board what everyone has said here. They are all giving you excellent advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): Leave him it will only get worse. Do you want your son to have to see this bad behavior? and where dose your husband come off at telling you to loose weight and stop the pms. He probly has depressed you so bad FORGET HIM what an a**. I know it hurts now but I can tell you after you leave him you will feel much better. I was in an abusive relationship as well for six years I thought I loved him and would never get over him. I got over him and more and now I feel great. Nobody has the right to hit you. And when you get yourself together don't go back to him. Tell him TO THE LEFT! Good Luck Be Safe and take Care.
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A
female
reader, carebear +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Poster
Your husband is right, you should seperate and you should listen.He want you to lose weight and control your pms what about his controlling manner and physical abuse? Think about how you were feeling whe he hit you with the glass, do you want to feel shocked scared petrified like that agian. or could be worse next time, think about you calling for help and him not letting your son help you again might be worse next time please listen to these aunts who have been there it will not get better unless your hubby wants it to you have no control but to stay and take it & more or do as your husband suggest and seperate.I hope you make the right choice for you and your son even your husband as this could get out of control. Take care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Your husband has an uncontrollable rage when he is pushed
to the limits.
Some men have a lower tolerance level and
can explode when pushed beyond that level.
You need to recognize those tolerance levels.
He is wrong to hit you like that but you need to
understand that it is something which he cannot control.
It is like some people just go berserk as they cannot
contain the pressure and rage takes over.
When a man cannot expresses himself with words,
he will express it with anger and violence.
During your arguments, lots of hurtful words would be said .
You should not take those words to heart as those words
were said in anger .He does not really mean it.
Let things cool down and life will slowly go back to normal.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Counseling or kick him out. Cut and dry situation. He doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve that kind of mental and physical abuse. You didn't say how long you two have been married, if your son is a minor or if you are working..own the house, etc...there are a lot of loose ends, but the bottom line is--don't take abuse from anyone.
PMS? He's the one with issues. There could be some underlying outside activity in his life and he's taking it out on you. Best do some undercover research and get your ducks in a row. Be careful and don't get caught. He sounds like a time bomb.
God bless, Gena
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Arguments happen...however, hitting you over the head with a glass object is totally UNACCEPTABLE. Your husband is physically injuring you and is causing future psychological problems for your son (if he is seeing his mother calling out for help and his own father is preventing him to help).
I think its time for you to be honest with yourself. You have to ask yourself is this the life you want to lead? Is this how you want your son to view marriage and family life?
Factor in if this is the first time your husband reacted this way. (no matter if it is or not physically touching you, especially in that manner is WRONG !!!!!). However, maybe some how you can work on things through therapy. BUT if this is not his first outburst of any kind, then you must realize he will most likely not change. So then you have a choice to stay with an abuser or have the chance to live a happy life without him.
I believe that deep down you know the right answer...but your just in disbelief that the guy you gave everything too can hurt you in so many ways (physically and mentally).
I cannot tell you what to do...but you can be real with your self and weighout the options. Personally, i have too much self-respect for myself to be with a man who can have no regard for me, my feelings and our off-spring.
~dee
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Its no one's fault he hit you except his very own. He's a real asshole to be blaming it on you too. Pretty much when physical violence gets thrown in to the relationship, its over. Or should be over cos the violence will only get worse.
And WTF is he yackin about telling you that you got problems to get over before he reconsiders separation?? Sounds to me like he's the buttwipe with the problems, primarily uncontrollable rage. Leave his ass already!
One more thing you might wanna think about: in the UK, soon the police will be able to charge people with domestic abuse whether the partner presses charges or not. Think about that, looks to me that he'll lose his respectability very soon anyway
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Nicely put Baby Duck.
She is right you know, hard as it may be for you to accept, he will not change, he will find another excuse, another time, and it will go on and on and on.
He's your husband for crying out loud - 'for better or for worse'.
How dare he tell you to go away and lose weight?
I'm sorry, truly I am, but you have to think of number one now.
I too went through two very nasty relationships, my husband, who I was with for eight years, then a partner who was worse, for 13 years. I am rid of the pair of them now, for good, and I am so much happier for it....and i'm free to do as I please.
So please be wise with your decision. You deserve so much more than that.
I wish you all the best and look after yourself.
BigSis xXx
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A
female
reader, annonymous111 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 Hi,
This marriage appears to be very one sided.....his side!
Your needs, feelings, thoughts, ideas,and status have been ignored.
Please look up Domestic Abuse. You will information from womens refuge, police, or google it.
There are people who can help you. The police have a special team who deal with this kind of problem. They can provide advise and assistance.
I think you should go to relate, I doubt your husband would attend, it will help you make sense of what has been happening to you.
You are not to blame for your husbands abusive behaviour.
Get help and good advise. Make sure you and your son are safe.Please consider the effect this has on your son, so if you don't get help for yourself do it for him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): This is a very serious problem...in which i was in a similar postition with one of my boyf.
many women find it hard to leave their husbands i know...but think of this...you have a son who deserves a healthly safe upbringing yes? well do it for him. Imaginge if you stayed and then he learns that this is the correct way to treat women...could you stand the thought of him putting his future wife/girlfriend ect though what you are going through?
you also say he prevented your son geeting help? but you dont say how? how do you know your husband wont turn on your son aswell.
The way your husband treats you is disgusting you DO deserve better.
if you dont have the strength to leave for yourself...do it for your son.
You say he would lose his job? if he behaves like this do you honestly think he deserves it?
you can report him to the police and remain anon.
good luck
and
god bless
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (28 March 2008):
 screw the s.o.b.!!! my x husband was very abusive and when i went to call the police hed rip out the phone.
just because u "irritate" him its no excuse for him to hurt u. my advice is to contact ur nearest women's shelter and make plans to take both u and ur son out of that enviornment a.s.a.p.
hugs...i hope this helped
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A
female
reader, geebaybeh +, writes (28 March 2008):
 i may be young of age but damn are you serious??!!! what are you thinking?? Do you love this guy that much? and even if you went away for a year do you think that he would come back to you? dont you think that he'd find someone else? that husband of yours is selfish and has no heart. U shouldnt let him hurt you and u know that. And to prevent your child and anybody helping what has got into him??
If he doesnt respect you, you shouldnt be with him no matter how much you love him. a person that loves someone would never do that. he should be thankful that you gave him everything. Take care of yourself, and pls next time do talk to someone? you cant be with a guy who does this to you. if theres no other way leave him. as early as possible. you dont deserve him.
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