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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a newlywed, married in August. When my husband and I were dating, I had a dog. My husband had never owned pets in his life, but seemed okay with it. Some months before the wedding, my dog was killed. I was grief stricken, but I always knew I would get another dog; I am a “dog person”. It seemed prudent to wait until after the wedding/honeymoon, which I did. I got a 10-month old puppy (with my husband’s approval) about 6 weeks ago. She is rambunctious, but is quiet and not destructive; overall, people agree that she is a “good dog”. I love her, as does my 15 year old daughter who picked her out at the pound. Two nights ago my husband told me that he hates the dog, absolutely hates her. She takes up too much of my time and is “always in the way” when he wants to be near me. My husband told me that if I don’t get rid of the dog, he is going to move out. I love the dog and would feel terrible to get rid of her. Even worse is what it would do to my daughter, who was equally devastated when our other dog died. Should I try to convince him to wait it out till she outgrows her puppy stage, make more rules about how much time I spend with her, etc, or give in for the sake of our marriage, even though he knew and agreed that we were going to have a dog? And if I do get rid of the dog, how do I do it without making my daughter hating my new husband and me? I detest the thought of lying to her but if the dog absolutely must go, I am considering telling my daughter that the dog ran away or got hit by a car – anything rather than admit that “we changed our minds”. Help!
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 "Try to convince him to wait it out till she outgrows her puppy stage, make more rules about how much time I spend with her.."
I don't like or understand animals, but I know you animal people love them, so they become important to me. Your dog is not something you can dump, you love her and she loves you and your daughter, so no, you can't give her away, even if it means your marriage is over. That's like throwing away your child, not something that is possible.
So we got to work on you making sure your husband don't feel left out. Maybe your daughter takes over more, at least until the puppy gets older. Maybe you make some special "husband" time, when the puppy will have to wait, unless she's dying. Maybe a special time when it's just puppy and you and husband has to deal with that.
This is no different from new husband and step children. You got to make rules, and everyone has to have their time and feel that they are the most important. Right now sounds like hubby is feeling left out, so using dog training rules, I'd spend a lot of effort, pampering, kissing and taking hubby out so he can stop feeling jealous.
He'll go back to normal soon, he just wants some attention and he can't do the cute things puppy can do, so he shouts and stomps and threatens.
A
male
reader, lovebot  +, writes (10 October 2013):
I have a serious problem with people elevating pets to the status of children. I would never marry someone who made this mistake. I simply wouldn't trust them. Their priorities are out of balance.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005):
I totally agree with Dreammaster.
Having a dog in the house is the number one impact on my quality of life. Its especially bad since its offensive presence is in my house- which should be the one place to escape aggrevation!
Why should the guy be miserable in his own house for the next 10 years?
Have the thing live in a dog house or get rid of it.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (5 December 2005):
 Okay, my turn now.
Oops, going to make the fatal mistake of commenting on other people's advice here! But your answer to your problem is here within the answers.
The 'DreamMaster' (who incidentally I think normally writes excellent replies...just not in this case, I'm afraid) is making his own mistake (while quoting other answerer's mistakes!) He is basing your husband on himself. Can't do that...we are all unique and must look at people's problems as being unique to them. We reflect on our own experiences only but do not include them in our answers.
Bev is very right. Compromise...the key to relationships. Talk to your husband, discuss all alternatives, allow him to know the impact this will have on your family, etc, etc.
I will say your husband cannot and should not use blackmail on you. If you don't get rid of the dog... How old is he? I reckon he knew you were a doggy person before he married you...
Now I think you are trying very hard to accommodate your husband so he needs to give a little to create a bit of harmony in your household. Sit down and talk to him to find a middle ground.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (3 December 2005):
 Hi,
I resent the suggestion that I am a bitter and twisted (etc) male, simply because I am too clean a person to be able to live with a dog in the house.
You should read more of my posts “Anonymous” if you want an insight into my character. Perhaps you should have given your own advice instead of simply commenting on others.
Someone who uses the phrase “if he loves you” is not someone you should be taking advice from either. That is called emotional blackmail, and leads to resentment in any relationship.
It is quite conceivable that there are people in this world who quite simply cannot live with pets, and unfortunately for you, your husband is one of them. But by all means if you love the dog more than your marriage to your husband…
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2005): Oh please, if you listen to advise given to you by some bitter and twisted male, this would be a mistake... what a hateful uncaring person this must be... listen to us girls on this one, my dearest, we know what we are talking about. Trust the advise of the ladies that have answered you, here and disregard the rest.
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster +, writes (3 December 2005):
Hi,
Get rid of the dog.
My ‘Ex’ was a dog lover, and to appease her I allowed her to get a dog – then another to appease her even more. I didn’t want a dog at all, but I am a flexible person and didn’t want to deprive her of anything.
It was one of the worst decisions of my life – I ended up realising that I HATED dogs. Trust me, if your man is saying he hates the dog – he is also holding back on the fact that he is kicking himself for allowing you to get it.
Do not make him regret being so flexible. It will teach him to be rather more inflexible in future decision making.
He was good enough to give it a try, probably against his instinct – but it isn’t working out. Thank him for trying it out despite his obvious instinct to the contrary, but then get rid of the dog.
Your husband is starved for affection and the dog will take even more of the share of your ‘affection’ pie. That is why he hates the dog. Anytime you are giving the dog affection your husband is probably sitting there wishing it was him getting it.
In relation to the grief – I think it is more the ‘death’ of the dog, rather than the absence of a dog that caused it, I am sure your daughter will not be as heartbroken knowing that the dog has gone to a loving family. She is 15 – I don’t know many 15 year old daughters that will look after a dog for a long time – she is going to start hanging around with guys soon etc. Dogs are a toy for kids, not really teenagers / young adults.
Oh – you will NOT ‘convince’ him to like this dog. He isn’t a dog lover, he is a grown man, he is not going to suddenly change this.
Regarding previous advice I HATE seeing the overused phrase “if he really loves you”, that really annoys me, this has nothing to do with loving you. People can love you and still do things despite this.
You may be a ‘happier person’ with the dog around, but this dog is having a negative influence on your marriage, and it has to go. Concentrate on giving all your affection to your husband.
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A
female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (3 December 2005):
 Hi there,Oh please, whatever you do... dont give into your husband just because he hasnt bonded with your puppy, he agreed to have her and it isnt fair for him to want you to bend all your beliefs and needs just to suit him.He also needs to meet you half way and realise a marriage is all about compromise... he must be willing to do this if he really loves you and your daughter and wants to see you both happy.Yes, make little changes in puppy's routine, as Bev suggested, so she wont come across as too overbearing to your husband, let your daughter take over the care of her a little bit more, so she isnt in the way, when he wants your attention, and he will slowly come round to seeing you are a happier person with puppy around. If you get rid of her,YOU ARE GOING TO BE MISERABLE and you and your daughter will end up despising him for making you give her up.Be strong and stand your ground, you both need to heal after the loss of your other doggie and the best way to deal with that is to have another little creature come into your life to help you do that, if hubby has your best interests at heart, he will be understanding of this.Puppy comes from the pound also, so she is in need of a second chance in life as well.You wont be sorry, you will be blessed in abundance for making the right decision.Stay strong, and be blessed.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 December 2005):
 It doesn't sound like you "changed your minds"; it sounds more like your husband agreed to getting a dog to try to make you happy. Now he regrets his choice because he didn't have any idea about the impact a dog could have on his life.
Someone who's never had a pet is naturally going to feel that a young, active pup is more trouble than she's worth. Try to back away from your situation and your love of dogs and see things from an outsider's view: dogs shed hair, they have parasites, they need food, they want cuddles, they need shots, they get muddy, they beg for scraps, they romp, they chew things, they have to be walked, they poo in the yard... etc etc.
Now, as pet-lovers, we overlook these things, and only see the fun and unconditional love of our pets. Your husband can't overlook these things because he's never gotten used to them in the first place.
Now, I'm not defending his request. In fact, I think it's wrong for him to consent to your getting a dog, only to claim he "hates" her, just weeks later. Your husband may have thought he was keeping the peace by consenting, but he was really telling fibs about his ability to share the house with an animal.
Before you make any decision about getting rid of your pup, try to have a calm discussion with your husband about his "Top Three" dislikes about her. Ask if he can make suggestions to correct the major problems as he regards them. See if you can adjust the way you care for the dog to make more of a compromise.
For example, if she's "always in the way" when he wants to be near you, what does that mean? Does he mean she sleeps on the bed with you both? Or does that mean she's between you on the lounge after dinner? Maybe if that's your husband's chief complaint, it could be solved by getting a comfy dog bed and letting your pup sleep in the kitchen at night, for example. Or making a "no dogs on the lounge" rule.
Please try to talk through this problem with your husband, emphasising that you want him to be happy, but you also feel that your house is incomplete without the company of a dog. Try to meet him in the middle about the way you care for your pet, even if it seems harsh to you (remember, dear, you're going to be biased because you love dogs, and everything is likely to seem harsh!). Puppies are very adaptable, and your making a few sacrifices might overcome your husband's resentment.
Since your husband was willing to say Yes to a dog six weeks ago, he must be willing to give things a chance, but maybe you've just gone a bit overboard in giving your new dog the run of the place, and now Hubby's feeling a bit like his home has become a barnyard. This isn't uncommon when a dog gets introduced to a non-dog house and non-dog people.
Finally, if you really can't work things out, please don't lie to your daughter about having to give up the dog. She's a young woman, and she'll find out the truth eventually, which will be devastating to her sense of trust at a time when she really needs to feel she can rely on you. If you end up having to give the dog up, try to involve your daughter in finding a good home for the pup, even suggesting she put up notices at school to try to place the dog with a friend, or an acquaintence.
Good luck.
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