A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that my husband of 3 years has basically been cheating on me with several different ladies since we met (6 years ago) he has not had affairs as such but flings and emotional affairs, I found out a year ago he did this in his first marriage too and I even found out about a secret love child he had with his mistress!! Even his first wife had no idea about that, I only found out when I saw a letter from the csa... He has never seen the baby as he dumped the mistress when she told him she was pregnant.. The mistress had a private detective follow him and found out he had 4 women on the go at a time and the first wife had no clue, like me... The reason I am writing is what's really worrrying is my husband seems to be very cold too all this and doesn't feel bad about anything.. I mean how can someone be so evil to even 1 person let alone several?? Because he is so heartless I think he will carry on being like this as he seriously has no morals?? The trouble is my Hubby is very wealthy and treats everything the same.. What he wants he gets.. What he doesn't want he throws away?? How do I make him realize how much his actions are killing me?? We have a child together and I want to make things work for her?Please help me make him less cold?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): There is no such thing as an emotional affair.
However, it sounds like he's done plenty of other awful, shady things.
Get out of there!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2009): You can't cure a sociopath. Just take some money and run.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): I also think your husband is a serial cheater and may have a compulsion...it's likely counseling would help him.
Here's a good article to read:
http://couplestransformations.com/extra-marital-affairs-the-serial-cheater/
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A
female
reader, Senate_78  +, writes (12 November 2009):
Wow, I understand about making it work for the sake of your child, but what about your self worth?What are you teaching your daughter by staying with him, that it's ok to be treated this way?What about the other child? It's not the child's fault that they are in the world and he needs to step up and be a father to that child.I'm sorry your hurting I really am, but if you stay with him it's going to be a long, hard road to come to a place where you're both happy and it sounds like he's unwilling to change and it would be all on you.I cannot tell you how to live your life, but you need to know there is life after this person and your self worth and self respect deserves so much more than this.Feel free to PM if you like.Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): No he isn't a trustworthy, moral man. His past history with you and with his other relationships is telling you all that ..loud and clear. And there is absolutely nothing you can do to make this man a less cold, heartless person. If he won't fix himself and prove himself a man of integrity who can display strength and maturity to gain your trust, he's not worth it. If your man isn't willing to respect and love you enough to put in the time and efforts to build a foundation here, to build something solid with you based on trust in the first place...he is NOT the guy who will persist over the long term with sacrifice to keep this marriage healthy and sound. Is this how you want to live the rest of your married life? Or do you want to just keep hopin', tryin' and having dark, bleak periods of angst, resentment and mistrust. Staying with a man who is immoral, a man you can't trust... will give you what? Nothing, but a toxic relationship and a sinkhole under your heart, eventually. So I have to ask--why are you frittering away your precious life and your time-out of desperation-to stick it out with this man? Your child? You aren't doing this kid any favors, being exposed to a father like this. Due to his historical past behavior of lying to you-cheating on you-this mistrust will alway punch holes in your heart. You have alternatives here. Use your courage and creativity and make plans to go it on your own. Hire a darned good lawyer and find out what your rights are, as suggested. And perhaps someday, you may find a wonderful man who is honest, has integrity and one you can trust, fully. As for this leaving current guy, you will grieve and recover but in time you will never, ever regret making this decision. Sorry, he simply is not worth the time and efforts you are blindly willing to put into this marriage. Especially, when there is someone out you could fully trust, someday. A good, solid relationship should never, ever have this type of worry that you are experiencing. Maybe, you have to ask...why are 'you' putting up with it? You won't change him..so what do you need to do to change you?
Start with the basics. And learn to to have a ton of self-love and self awareness to what makes you the happiest in life. It sounds like you need to work hard to reconnect with that in yourself. Right now, it appears, you are simply determined to make this marriage work..come hell or high water. You don't have to sacrifice your own happiness to stay is a marriage where a man is boinking countless women on the side. Why would you resign yourself to living with a man like this. Your self-love should be kicking in here and you should be strong enough to say..enough is enough! Most of us women do that. You know that there is a better, happier life out there for you so please...always pick the better over the worse.
Choose what seems like the better course for yourself and your child. You will have a lot of bumps and humps to get over, to getting there, but eventually following the path of greater awareness will get you where you want to go and give you the happiness you deserve.
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A
female
reader, suzanne1980 +, writes (12 November 2009):
hello this is a horrible problem you got all i can say is you hae to think about your little girl she comes first this is a man that should be left well alone i know you dont want to hear that it sounds to me this man gets what he wants ad who cares about anyone else.
leave him and leave your self with some dignity
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, ritalee +, writes (12 November 2009):
he wont darling, he seems kind of selfabsorbed man, that doesnt give a shit for peoples feeling. I so sorry it took so long for you to figure out. You are still young and you have a whole life in front of you. I know its hard to make big changes like this, but believe me you deserve more!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 November 2009):
This guy is a nightmare! He has cheated on you and eveyrone else, not just once, but several times. Nothing will make him change, and I hate to say it, but you're just going to get really hurt. You can't change him, and I really don't think this can work. I know you don't want to hear that, but read whave you have written. He's cheated on you several times. Get away from him.
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