A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:5 weeks ago I found out that my husband (we've been married 21 years)had an affair last year. He says that it is over and is trying very hard to make ammends. we talk a lot and are going to relate. He has told lots of lies and last week I found that he is still in contact with her, so the trust is broken and I check up on him a lot, which is not something I would ever have dreamt of doing before. He tells me that although he loves me and his head is telling him to be with me and our 3 lovley children, his heart is with the other woman. I know her slightly and because he has told me all the intimate details, can tell that she schemed to get him away from me. But he can't see this because he is still in love with her, I think she has bewitched him by saying all the things he wants to hear and being the oppostite to me. He feels he has met the perfect woman for him,and he nearly left me for her. I'm sure that their 6 month relationship was not the 'real world', and that if they lived together they would soon realise that they aren't as compatible as they think now. Would it be a good idea for us to have a trial separation, for him to go and live with her (she's divorced) to allow him to decide once and for all if she is the woman he thinks she is? I want our marriage to work but not if he keeps clinging on to the idea that he'd be happier with someone else. I want him to be sure that I am the one for him and so even though it will be painful for me to think of them together, am prepared to bear it for the sake of his making up his mind once and for all.
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female
reader, SuzieH  +, writes (24 May 2008):
Hi,You may hate me for what I am about to write but please read the entire message first.First of all I commend you for actually discussing this with your husband. When I found out my now ex-husband was having an affair I wanted to talk to him about it, find out why and what he felt was lacking in our marriage to have him turn to someone else. He denied the affair until we divorced. Before you judge - please read on. I am having an affair with a married man. I lived next door to them for a few years prior to this. I witnessed how poorly she treated him and listened to her complain about him continually. Our affair began not because of sex but because of our ability to communicate openly. My now ex was extremely physically abusive with me and I had the police remove him. Long story but he found some e-mails between us and sent them to his wife. We both denied our affair because he was on his way out ling before our affair. He has tried to discuss "why do people have affairs" and she will not communicate with him. She has been a very selfish and destructive part of his life and he gave it an attempt to work things out.It sounds as though you and your husband have an incredibley strong foundation to build your life upon and that is communication. He will not go back to the other woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi that last answer is really helpful and I wish you luck too. My husband is still with me and has made some effort to change and show that he cares. But it's over 2 months since I found out about this affair and he has lied so many times that I can't trust him. Like your husband mine is saying that they were soul mates and it's very hurtful. He said in a councelling session that she was like a really sweet box of chocolates that he couldn't get enough of and my box of chocolates didn't look tempting in comparison (doesn't do much for my confidence!)Actually, what I'm asking myself, now that the shock is over, is do I really want to be married to a man who says such hurtful things and has repeatedly put himself first and lied over and over again and the answer at the moment is no. Do you still love your husband in spite of all that he has done? Because I'm not sure I do any more. Like you I need to be sure that it's really me that my husband wants, he has a romantic, and I think foolish idea, of what love is and after 21years for me and 24 for you it's not exactly going to be have excitement that a new relationship holds. But we're not making any quick decisions and your experience is very interesting. I hope you get what you want and deserve. xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I can sympathize--I am in your exact position right now, except my husband DID move out and into an apartment with the other woman We have been married for 24 years. We have two young children. She did the same thing-took advantage, said all the right things, left her husband and used my husband to do it. I saw it for what it was--a midlife crisis and an affair with a co-worker that seduced him. He would not listen to what I had to say-she had him blinded to the love that we shared. He thought that it was his big love, he said he really did not know what love was. He even rationalized it (as most men do) that it was not an affair, but a relationship, just like any other. Before moving out he had doubts that he did not listen to. After 1 week living with her, he started feeling the guilt and regret. By being patient and looking into my own soul to see what I had become that turned him away from me, I have been able to gently show him the way back home. After 5 weeks, he now is realizing that the love that he searched for was in his own back yard with me. He will be back home with me within 3 weeks. He is not quite 100% sure yet and I do not want him back until he is, otherwise, it will not stop with her and could start with someone else.
One piece of advise I wish I had known. Don't push him into her arms. It could backfire. All the begging and pleading and trying to save the marriage before moving out can actually drive him that much farther away from you. Go to Family.org-they have a lot of good advise there on marriage and if you truly want him back and can forgive yourself, forgive him and he does the same (forgives himself and is willing to work things through with you), then you can begin to heal. It is not easy, it just depends on how much faith you have in your love for him and the love that you have shared together. Don't suggest that he move in with her unless you are prepared for the outcome-whichever way it could go. Communication, honestly, non-judgmentally and free from attacking words will go further than anything else.
Best of luck to you and I hope that all goes the way that you want it to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
I no your husband wants to change, Its hard when its been like this for both of you for so long, He has his way of dealing with it, You have your way and it goes around. If one of you alter that the circle will be broken.
You husband needs love and he dominates to gain control as he has none in the past, You sit back and do.
It wont work, There has to be two people together pulling together, write your letter sweetheart I no your husband doesnt want to loose you TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mandy7. I do feel down today. It's really hard to pull myself together because I can see now that the problem over the years has been that he has dominated me and i have given in most of the time because that is my nature, but underneath i have been resenting him more and more. Our arguments are usually when i stand up to him and won't do what wants. He then sulks or pays me back. the affair was exactly that...he wasn't getting what he wanted out of the marriage neither of us were putting in any effort for the other and whne i told him,after about a week of not talking to me, that lots of things in my life made me happy but he wasn't one of them, he took that as a signal that he could go off with the other woman. this pattern of bahaviour is still continuing every day and you're right we must really sort out our relationship on an equal basis. we both have a right to be happy and i've decided that i'm not going to be a doormat any more. i need to tell him how i feel in a way that is not threatening to him and he needs to see that he can't always have things his own way, but i think the need to dominate is so ingrained into his persona that he will need a lot of help to change. Maybe writing it down will help us both understand. Thanks for your kind words and i'm glad that you're happy now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): Hi Hunny
Your not doomed, Your husband is deaply sorry for what he has done and is trying now to put things right.
Its so much easier to help when you know whats going on.
My story was just that sweetheart, Yours is a different one we are all different.
Why cant you both sit down and talk together and write together and use this as a help line for both of you and Ive told you to message me anytime both of you can and ill help in anyway I can, Hunny if it helpS my first husband the one I left used to hit me as well so it wasnt just one woman after another sweetheart, come on dont give up if its worth fighting for then do what is in your heart.
WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the help. Here's a quick update. I was going through past questions and saw that my husband had posted a question on 31st Jan Girlfriend or wife? And Mandy7 replied to him too! Can't get my head round this at all...seems like we're doomed and haven't really communicated properly for years. I do appreciate all the encouraging words from strangers. Thanks again.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 Do it. You know sometimes its hard to point fingers at ourselves when it comes to changing. It's much easier to blam our partner or some other entity than looking in the mirror and taking blame for our own actions.
Within in marriage it's important that both of you do a self exam to find out the issues each one holds that could cause damage to your marriage. Then take the negative, begin eliminating the habbits by replacing them with positive habbits, and streaghten what's already positive.
i hope this helps, take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
Im not against him, Im not judgmentle about anything in life hunny Ill listen and what you both want is the important thing here so please tell him to read this. I hope he feels that he is not being singled out, I agree you do need an outlet TAKE CARE BOTH OF YOU LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice. that link was really helpful mandy7, but my self esteem isn't too bad. i realise that my husband has over the years eroded it a bit, but i had a lot of love as a child and he does give me compliments from time to time.....usually sexual.he's in a bad mood again this morning because he doesn't like me chatting on this website (he doesn't like the answers i am getting.) a repeated pattern of behaviour that has developed over the years, if i defy him he goes into a sulk. his affair was a massive example of that. it's really helpful for me to write down my thoughts like this because i now realise that he will have to change a lot in order for me to trust him again. i am going to be strong and stand up to the sulking and tell him what i want without fear of upsetting him. all that is easier said than done of course! Many thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
If you are willing to forgive, And he is willing to see that the grass is not greener on the other side then you can maybe if your heart will allow get this back, I no my last post said to leave, That was based on the first post, This is now from your last it is a different story in away. It tells a story first of a man who has no feeling for what he has done, In the second it says he is realising what he has and wishes to god he hadnt nearly lost it.
First your strength hunny, you are going to have to gain that strengh and eat you are going to have to get build up shakes and get well or you will get very ill I went down to just under 7stone from 8,12 And it took me 2yrs to even put on a stone, You need help with this so if your husband is willing then he must help you gain back the strength you have lost.
This happened in my first marraige first we didnt make it but thats another story, Its good that now your husband is loving you the way he should have so that is a big step forward, HUGE! Infact. Hunny your not dead go to sweden you have a week to start gaining strengh, GO! It would be the best thing for both of you.
Dont talk about the emotional issues at night time at all this is not good and will stop you sleeping you need to sleep. You husband needs help for his dominant side as this is not acceptable behaviour, Im sure he didnt like the way he was treated so he needs to think of how to stop the pattern of past so you both can have a good future, He also needs to see a counsellor, As this is were the affair comes in, He didnt have to be dominant there now did he he could relax so he has to get himself well to.
About your family, well your brother knows its good you have at least one person to talk with, the others they need to know nothing, It has nothing to do with anyone but you and yor husband, Ask your husband this if he thought the grass was greener on the other side did he think of the colour and the depth of what he was doing, She may have been clever but she wasnt that clever now was she to form a relationship with a married man, If she is so bright then you would have thought she would no the difference between right and wrong.
I hope your husband sees the good in you the kindness of heart and willingness to forgive as that is one of the hardest thing to do in life, We dont get any training for that hunny be it cambridge or not, That is true understanding and true love and I do hope he understands this and can see what a beautiful woman he has here.
This is only working because of that and never put yourself down its time to build yourself up and get strong.
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Here is a link to help you love, I do wish you both happiness and I do hope your husband will seek help for his past issues you canot dominate another, Two people that are together through love should become one TAKE CARE OF YOU DARLING WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 February 2008):
 What i find hard to understand is a woman who would deliberatly have sex with a man they knew was married?
Those women want to feel that they are much better than the wife.Married men are more appealing because of their experience and outlook.
What i need to know that he will be devoted to me? and his track record is not good.
I am sorry , there is no definite answer for this type of question.Nobody knows except God , what will happen in the future?
It would be better if you concentrate on living for today and let tomorrow takes care of itself.
Think positive is all I can advise you.Whatever happens , just accept it.You cannot change destiny.
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reader, chocolatetpots +, writes (10 February 2008):
Hi, I feel for you, its a tough call!My husband and I have been together for 28yrs, he has had numerous affairs all of which I know about, and he continues to be the flirt of the nation! including my sister and my next door neighbour!When you love someone, nothing will ever stop it, whether it be the off flirt, the odd affair, etc, you can leave, but believe me you will always come back, i have been there and done it!I now work my own little strategy, it may work for you it may not, but its definately worth a try.Never tell him where you are, Never tell him how long you will be, Never tell him when you are having a day off work, always trust him but be on your guard, and always tell him you love him.Why? because he does not know how to take you anymore, you have the upper hand, in control, and strong personallity that you never had before.Let me know how you get on.Angie
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am amazed by the responses and thankful that there are such caring people in the world. This is a very hearfelt thanks to you all, because although i have a lot of friends who have been through similar situations, it is impossible to talk to them because if my husband and i get through this, it will not be fair to him to have to face then again. I have told a few people, the first was my brother and my husband is worried how he will face him again. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to tackle that problem? It was my husband's suggestion that i went onto this website, because he says he did last year to answer a question about his affair. But he won't tell me what he said or what answers he got and has become hostile now that he has read your responses. We have agreed to have no emotional talk late at night, but I find that hard because it is in my head all the time.My brother is a doctor and he says that it is normal to be ill afer such trauma and that weight loss is normal, the councellor says so too.But I have always been thin and have lost so much weight that i have little energy left for normal life, so that i can't go to keep fit any more and i can't go to my bookclub or meet friends in a group...i'm in effect a completly different person now to the one I was before before xmas. But, it's an odd thing our sex life has been better than ever before...i'd be intrigued to find out if anyone else has had that experience, it wasn't particulary bad before but is it my desperation to keep him or his attention to me and willingness to please now that makes it so good? My husband is going to Sweden on business next week and suggested that i join him for valentines night so he is being really positive and really making an effort, not just in that way, but in lots of other ways. He is doing things for me that he has never done in all the years that we have been married. But he has made his requirements clear in return. He is not violent,alcholic, or anything addictive but emotionally is a needy person, who,because of his upbringing (dominant mother and passive dad no love or affection from either and bullied by older brothers) needs to dominate me and we are both wondering if i am up to it. He is also intellectully superior to practically everyone. He has had a very, good education (1st from cambridge) and is probably the cleverest person i know, but he has very poor social skills and has no friends, so when he found a women that moulded herself around his image, and was everything that he was and shared the same interests,he found her irresistible. I can understand that from his point of view. What i find hard to understand is a woman who would deliberatly have sex with a man they knew was married? I need to be with him and have his comforting,familiar arms around me, and i do love him, he has been forgiven for the affair and the couple of other extra marital relationships (apparently not sexual but can i trust him?) Whatt i need to know that he will be devoted to me? and his track record is not good.Now that i have written all that and reading back on it, I sound really naive. This is therapeutic!Before someone suggests it i will change my password!
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female
reader, ocean of bad luck  +, writes (9 February 2008):
I think you need to make a decision. If you want him, do not allow him to go live with her to test it out.. She would obviously treat it as her probation and try to prove to him that she is the one. You should not accept him back after he leaves you for someone else either way. If you want him to leave, then let go of him entirely, not with the hope of him realising you are the one anl all that.
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reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2008):
I can understand your side and with the kids. I believe people should work it out. I think too much is taked for granted and not enough is appreciated. He says you've been a good wife. I wonder how many people are married that wish they could say that. He's striving for something better. That's gready. Greed can be a silent killer. I heard once years ago when it was published that a famous singer was expecting over $300 million in income off his album and was disappointed only earning $246 million.
Is there someone better out there than you? NO. There can't be. You're a one of a kind design.
As far as your children. There are thousands upon thousands of cases involved in courts and psychiatric departments involving children. It's not the fact of trying to do something that they may not know. Let me ask you, how happy are you at this moment? Having children around unhappy parents develops unhappy children. I called my daughter once after having a real bad day. I though I presented myself normal with her. Upbeat tone, everything. The first thing she said was "daddy what's wrong?" I asked how did she know anything was wrong, her answer "I can just tell." You could be the best, caring and loving person there is, being there for your kids all the way, but if you're not happy, they'll lose their happiness in your home.
I think your husband is real confused. Yes the initial honeymoon phase wares off, I'm sure with you that happened quite a while ago. That doesn't mean you replace that feeling with someone else.
I want you to research "ways to feel loved" It's interesting, we only feel really loved one way. We're either shown it, told something, touched in a certain way, or taken somewhere special. The problem in many relationships is as the honeymoon phase wares off, so does our touching all the different ways. How can you miss by doing all of them. When that happens, we begin showing our love for someone the way we personally feel loved, when there way may be the opposite. One might like being hugged in a certain way, the other person may not really care for the physical, but feel loved when taken out to a romantic dinner.
I hope this helps you. Sorry you're going through this trial. It must be a very difficult period in your life with lots of confusion. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): I think there will come a point - not yet clearly but certainly when you get your own life and meet a new man - that you will not want this 'half relationship' compromise. Children are not daft and can sense wrong so do the right thing and provide honesty - honesty is a great strength and shows courage. Living a lie for their sake is treating them as stupid. As for stability well I don't think that is in place anyway if your husband has wanderlust. Yes - separation and space but do not just drift yourself. What are you going to do with your life? Have you forgotten who you are in the rush to worry about your husband and his poor feelings and his incessant 'itch'. Let him go and scratch it. You surely cannot think so little of yourself to just be his stay at home Mrs Mop. Who on earth has taught you to accept second place so readily?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the quick response. I just wondered if anyone has tried this and kept it from the children? He goes away on business a lot and they won't notice if he's just back for weekends, say. i don't think it's in our children's interest for our marraige to fail, but for my own peace of mind I need to be sure that he only wants me. Now that the 2 of us have discussed this in such a frank way, i'm not sure he ever has been truly happy with me.Does anyone understand that? It may seem strange, but I have sympathy for his predicament! He is a restless person and admits he has been looking for someone else for years. he knows that I love him and says that i have been a good wife, but he can't get the itch out of his system...in short he thinks there is someone better out there and until he has proof that there isn't i am not sure that he will stop this quest for perfection.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
Thats nice of him to tell you all the intimate details does he really need to rub your nose in this anymore love, Sweetheart with all the love in the world im telling you to say goodbye, He has had sex willingly with another woman he has lied constantly and he told you all the details and this is supposed to make you feel what? shit is my thinking, Id have thrown him out pronto, If say you work at this and you stay together can you really say in your heart that you will ever trust him again? He is taking the piss love, he has a lovely wife beautiful children and he is a fool of a man who canot see this...His head is telling him to do the right thing, his heart is telling him to be with this woman, Let her have him.. Hunny dont let him walk all over you, I no its not easy, Bin there done it... Find someone oneday who will love and respect you for the beautiful person you are, In time you will heal and you will get strong and it will all of a sudden hit you how he treated you and how you deserve alot more in life. TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Why are you being so agreeable about all of this??? I would of kicked him out! You are going to relate and still have this feeling that maybe a trial separation might work. You are living in a dream world, sorry, but he had gone with her, he said it was over, and it clearly wasnt. Face up to it girl, he wont ever be yours 100%. I would end it now and stop the suffering from going on any further.
take care
xx
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 February 2008):
Do you realize when people do a trial separation, the person who leaves has all ready made up their mind? It sounds like he's not going to be there to make a decision that he's all ready made. I don't think this is healthy for you and I don't think allowing this chance to try another women is any way to teach your children how to properly act. he's having an affair. He's in love. Cut him loose and live your life. If he was really making an effort, I'd understand, but catching him in further lies after he's violated your marriage. do you want to remain with someone who can't be trusted at all. That you have to babysit to make sure he's not playing with other girls. It's not your job. But your first priority is to take care of your children and teach them right from wrong. Allowing a husband to play house with another lady, that's teaching them that you're condoning his poor behavior as being acceptable.
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