A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband has delusional thoughts of me. He asks certain questions and twists them into something totally different. He has always done this. He has always thought i am cheating on him, that i have or will. I cant stand defending myself against things that I have never even thought of such as me cheating on him, I have never. I have done one thing in our 7 years together that has made him lose trust for me which was speak to an ex and not tell him about it. This was less than a year in to our relationship, i would have thought he would trust me again by now. And all i did was talk didnt even see him, i talked to him over the phone. and we were 16. We were watching MTV Cribs and saw some football player who was black. they showed a picture of him and i said he looks like a pee wee football player laughing and that his car was "gangster". So i made those two comments on some random black guy and he asks "so do you like black guys" i said i dont know how my comments on this one person would lead you to believe that i now like black guys. He started with his usuall nonsense and talking down to me I got sick of it fast b/c i did nothing wrong and i was just relaxing watching TV so i left the room. The next day he started this whole thing over again. He asked me if i am attracted to black men and if i ever have been. I went to home coming with a half black guy who i really did not find attractive we did nothing together we were just friends. At the begining of this never ending conversation I said no no no. I just said no i dont i dont look at other ppl i dont think about other ppl i am devoted to you and thats it. He does not beleive me he then turns the question in to do i think black men are attractive and tell me the truth and just tell me tell me tell me. This was after probably 10 minutes of this nonsense so i finally said yes some black men are attrative just like some mexican men (he is mexican) and some white men are attractive. So NOW I like black men. and he cannot get over this. He constantly brings this up making me beg him to listen and understand and comprehend the words i am saying. He will not believe that I am not attracted to black men, yes some are attractive and i cant help that?!? I dont know what to do to get him off of my back about this. I cant keep reassuring him that i only have eyes for him. I cant, it is exhausting when i have done nothing to deserve this or nothing to cause me to have the ask for forgiveness or to make him feel that i want him and only him. He does this ALOT with different things and situations. I am getting tired of defending myself and saying words that are not nessesarily true or how i feel to make him feel better about himself. I feel un trusted and not valued. I keep telling him that our probelms have alot to do with his own insecurities and I cant make up for that lack, he must feel good about himself by himself. I dont understand this behavior and i cant help but to think this is going to go on forever and i know i cannot do this as i am already sick of it. please help me understand what could be going on in his head and how to help him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Who ever you are ... I am in the same position. My husband is delusional from day one of out marriage. He is very strong, arrogant and refuses to listen anything negative about himself. He keeps talking about the past and always brings examples from the past and emotionally abuses me. His delusion is prosecutory type - has all the symptoms. It is very difficult to talk to him and make him realize leave alone sending him for treatment. I have decided to stay in this marriage but going to stay "away" from him (works in a different city). Already going thro' midlife crisis emotionally and physically. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE .. HE WILL NOT.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 February 2011):
it's good that you and him had an honest open discussion and that he admits that he needs to work on some things.
"He told me that he wants me to make him feel like I am his and only his. He really just needs alot of attention in my opinion, he needs me all over him and cuddling every chance we get. "
Even though you've talked and he has been honest, that's just the first step. the fact that he states he "needs" this or that, and that YOU have to be the one to do this or that...that is a separate issue unto itself.
But still, it's a start! good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Thank you all for your advice and help! It really means a lot and I hope I can take some of it into play. I wish I knew what could have caused this. Someone asked if he had been cheated on. We have been together since age 16. He had a ton of "girlfriends" and I dont think he has ever been cheated on. The one thing I know killed him was when I didnt tell him the truth about speaking to an ex of mine. Again, we were 16 at the time our relationship was new and to me it was not a big deal. But it really ruined our relationship I feel looking back 6 years and still discussing the same thing constantly. We talked last night and he wrote me a letter admitting that he does have insecurities and needs to deal with them differently. He told me that he wants me to make him feel like I am his and only his. He really just needs alot of attention in my opinion, he needs me all over him and cuddling every chance we get. We are very different in that way, Im not a very affectionate person in that way. We both need to work and compromise to make this work. He knows that he needs to stop bringing things like this up and I need to watch my mouth about what I say to "trigger" him. I also want to say thank you to many who sugessted to stop speaking to him when he does these things. There is no need for me to say a bunch of words in defense of something that is not true. Before I would have to mkae sure he is ok and doesnt believe the things he has made up but now i beleive I need to learn to walk away and HE needs to deal with his delusional thoughts on his own. Thank you all!
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 February 2011):
"I am getting tired of defending myself and saying words that are not nessesarily true or how i feel to make him feel better about himself. I feel un trusted and not valued. I keep telling him that our probelms have alot to do with his own insecurities and I cant make up for that lack, he must feel good about himself by himself."
You've hit the nail on the head, which is that the problem is within himself because you've already done everything that is humanly possible for you to do and yet it's not enough for him. You can't make someone else feel good if they are determined to sabotage everything you say or do.
I think the only thing you can do is to keep repeating this to him every time he "does this." Just saying it once or twice probably won't sink it but if you sound like a broken record and repeat this over and over again, it just might sink in eventually.
If not, then you have to decide if you can remain in this relationship. You're right that this behavior will go on forever in fact studies show this kind of behavior left unchecked usually gets WORSE over time unless he seeks help for himself and sticks with it.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (1 February 2011):
 He needs to see a psychologist. I do not mean this in a rude way, but talking his feelings and anxieties out with a third objective party will be emotionally soothing. He needs to explore his thought process and move past this. Its definitely not you, he has anxiety and control issues, in addition to low self-esteem. This is the best solution as whatever you may see he takes with a grain of salt. There is very little you can do aside from having him see a therapist.
Don't go to a family counselor, he needs to see a therapist who does psychodynamic psychotherapy (talks about feelings and the past, etc). Ask the therapist what type of therapy they do and book an appointment. Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 February 2011):
I agree with other female anon, he has insecurity and control issues. Most controlling people are that way due to insecurity.
You can't change him. you can only hope he'll realize the problem is in his head and he needs to deal with it on his own.
would it help if other people like his friends or family, observed a conversation between you two like at a gathering, and stepped in and told him that he's being paranoid and his thoughts and behavior is not normal or healthy?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 February 2011):
 I've met people like this and they are extremely tiring and uncomfortable to be around. Personally, I think they like to play mind games in order to control you and to make themselves feel superior. It is a form of mental cruelty. I am not sure he knows he is doing it on purpose though.Sadly, the more you argue with them, the more they feel that they've "hit" on something and pick at it like a scab. Your best bet is to ignore him when he gets on one of these rampages. There is no way you are going to win against him. He'll probably continue to mouth off, but it loses its effectiveness if you don't buy into it.Later, I suggest talking to him and asking him if he realizes he is doing it. Tell him it hurts you and doesn't do anything to help your relationship. His reaction will tell you whether he is capable of change or at least understanding he does this.You may also want to visit a marriage counselor -- even for yourself. They may be able to provide useful tools to help deal with this situation.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): Hello,
He has insecurity issues, mixed with control issues. Has he had anyone in his past who has "cheated" on him? If so sometimes they bring that into their current relationship without realizing your NOT her.
I would speak to him express to him that you have no desire for anyone but him as you've mentioned you tried to do. If all else fails and you feel like he won't change suggest he seeks help to find out how to handle these insecurites better and learn to communicate more affectively rather than making you feel as though you need to defend who you are as a person to him.
Good luck
:-)
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A
female
reader, Br1dgette +, writes (31 January 2011):
I don't know how to make this better. Obviously, he has insecurities that are his problem.
I "personally" would refuse to talk about anything that felt attacking like that. I would entirely ignore him and walk away. I wouldn't resume talking to him until he dropped it. It isn't fair that you should have to defend yourself against ridiculous things like that. It's hurtful to you, and it is a lose lose situation because nothing you say is going to make it better.
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