A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:While I was pregnant my husband and a argument and I've since found out that he went to my best friend one thing led to another and he gave her oral sex, she tried to give him it but he says it didnt happen as he couldn't get an erection, is this possible? I'm a my wits end as my husband has told me the truth well what I believe to be the truth my Friend is saying she can't remember what Happened wh do I believe? I'm at the end of my Tether can eat sleep or concentrate and it doesn't help that m husband is in remission from cancer and we really don't need he stress but I feel like I can't move on although I want to as I love him dearly, what should I do?
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best friend, erection, move on, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): Forgot getting oral sex...please! Perhaps she was doing her taxes at time? My bf also claimed that he suffered from " dickmentia" when caught out. Hope fully I'm wrong but I don't think anyone / relationship ever fully recovers from a spouses betrayal. His being going to see her in the first place. Was that his intention all along? Because why her and not a mate( male) . I hope your heart mends soon. Good luck
A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (28 March 2014):
Your best friend seems to have selective amnesia,she should be your ex friend now.Your husband did cheat and the ball is in your court now as to what action you take.I don't think you can get over this,it'll always be in the back of your mind.The fact he's in remission has nothing to do with it,he cheated and your best friend betrayed you in the worst possible way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): You need to be honest with yourself. Will you ever move on from this? Some people can but most cannot. All I would say is please do not trap yourself in a relationship where it actually becomes your problem that he cheated i.e. that is that you become the problem because it is you that cannot get over it. Perhaps agree to give yourself 6 months and see if you can move on - if not its time to leave. You need to consider Plan B if you are to split up to give yourself the confidence to consider both options. Remember he did the cheating - you are the one who has the choice. Empower yourself.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 How does it matter if he got an erection or not? He cheated on you, he went to your best friend, he performed oral sex on her and he wanted the same for himself. This is enough information to know that he cheated and now you have to decide if you can forgive him or not.
Personally for me this would be a deal-breaker. Cheating is the worst thing that a partner can do and I could never live with it. What the hell, I find it hard enough to deal with my partner's past when I wasn't even in his life; there is NO WAY that I could ever excuse if he does that while with me.
Now you have to decide what you want and this depends entirely on you. Are you willing to forgive him? Take some time apart?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Can it happen that he couldn't get an erection? Sure it can, especially as it sounds like they were drinking if she's using the memory excuse.
OP your husband has admitted it, and your friend has refused to deny it, that says it all.
We can't tell you what you should do, OP, only you can decide that but it's time you accepted that he and your best friend cheated on you. Nothing justifies that in my mind and I'd be preparing to dump them both but that's my rule, OP. That's something I will never compromise on and it's already established in my mind as a deal-breaker. In your situation where you're confused and don't know what to do, I think you need to take your time and let it sink in before you make any life altering decisions. The worst thing you can do is make big decisions in this much pain.
You need to eat so force something into you, you need to take care of the basics at this time or you'll just make things worse, malnutrition will only make you less able to deal with situation. You can't force yourself to sleep of course but you can make sure you eat, wash, and go about your daily routine.
Turn to your friends or family too, the most trusted you have and get their support. Don't drag them into it by asking them to make your decision for you but do turn to them for comfort.
OP you're not in remission, he is and you can't use that as a reason not to protect yourself so if you feel you need to go stay with your parents or one of your siblings for a week or two to clear your head then by all means do so.
OP there are no come backs for me from cheating but this is your life, you must decide for yourself if this is something you can move past but it's going to take a hell of a long time to just not feel awful about and even longer to regain any trust.
I never accept the I don't remember excuse for anything, I only accept people taking responsibility for their actions. I've been so drunk I've blacked out and been an idiot plenty of times, if I've been told I've done stupid crap and need to apologise I accept that and will hold my hands up. So until your best friend can do that, I don't see any way of reconciling.
I feel for you, OP, you've been betrayed by the two people in the world you're supposed to be able to rely on always to put you first. The only mitigating factor I can see in this is that he was honest about it and told you and if this is the only time it's happened then maybe it's a mistake that you can eventually look past but it's going to take a tonne of work on his behalf to do so.
For now, take your time. Take care of the basics, brush your teeth, eat well, exercise (some nice intense working out will really help as a release but only if you're eating enough to support that kind of activity, OP), turn to people who will be there for you for support, if you need to take a fortnight away from him or ask him to move out for a week or two and have some space to think, make no decisions right now just let it sink in, don't be afraid to cry and don't stop your mind thinking about things. That's it heals itself. Most importantly, OP, remember one thing, this is not the end of the world and no matter how bad it seems now you will get through this. You've had more than enough experience recently of dealing with utter desolation and despair there is nothing "better" than having to deal with cancer to remind you how strong you can be and how everything in life can be dealt with and overcome so have faith in yourself to do so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Well I agree with above the fact is it happened but if he didn't get an erection it could have been down to guilt as this can happen but as for the friend she recieved it then tried to give it to him, so I'd 100% dump the friend as she's is no friend where as your husband that's down to you but if he has confessed she obviously feels guilty and needed to tell you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 March 2014):
 Why is it important if the woman confirms or denies ?
The important detail is that your husband admits having cheated , since giving oral sex is already cheating. At this point, does it really matter if he really could not get it up to receive oral ? yes, it's possible, but what difference does it make, he had already GIVEN her oral, and was already there with his penis hanging out and the intent of receiving a BJ, so if for any reason that did not happen, I don't see how an erection more or one less can change the gist of the story.
If you want to treat this as a one time only ,forgivable slip-up, or as the dealbreaker which will terminate your marrriage, that's totally up to you and depending from your values, your feelings and the general state of your marriage. But cheating is cheating, don't forget that, no matter what the specific details could be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 What should you do?
Accept that he cheated. Whether he RECEIVED oral or not, is kind unimportant (unless she has Herpes, HPV or another STD that can spread through oral). Whether she can remember it or not SHE still participated. It is possible he couldn't get it up? Sure, but again, it's BESIDES the point.
Then YOU need to decide if you CAN forgive this or not. No one is saying you HAVE to. But what you HAVE to do is decide if you want to stay (and work on it) or go. THAT is 100% YOUR choice.
If you decide you want to stay and try and make it work, I would without hesitation suggest couples counseling. AND I would cut the contact with the "friend" 100%, because she isn't a good friend. And your husband will have to do the same with her.
If you decide that you CAN NOT move past this, I would get my ducks in a row and figure out the next move, be it leave him & divorce or kick him out & divorce.
There are no quick fixes here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Bollocks that your friend does not remember.She's either protecting herself by playing innocent.Or she's protecting him because he hasn't come completely clean and she doesn't want to get involved in half truths. I find it hard that he gave her oral sex with no preamble, with no prior flirtation and suggestions. She probably hoped for more but he bailed out. Then he presented the history as a one off accident to salvage his guilty conscience but I suspect there's more that he's leaving out.But then again, this is speculation.Whatever happens, I'd steer clear of the 'friend.' She is no friend.
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