A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my lifelong friends is getting married to the man of her dreams in 9 days. They have been together 4 years and have a daughter who is just 6 months old.This morning I've found out that he has been having an affair. I don't just suspect, I know and have solid proof as I have confronted the woman myself. What do I do? I get along well with him so do I confront him about it?I don't want to be the one to tell her and shatter her dreams but at the same time I know she wouldn't want to marry a man who is actively cheating on her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): You did the right thing, OP. You let her know what she was getting herself into, you gave her an option and now it's up to her what to do. Let her make her own decisions now, OP. I wouldn't advise her on what to do next at all, I wouldn't even if she asked I'd just say I don't know what I'd do.
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male
reader, M Proops +, writes (28 March 2014):
They always say the messenger gets shot in these situations but I would let her know anonymously somehow and make it public to shame him.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 If I was in your shoes, and it was a good friend of mine, I would go straight to her and tell her. You're not the one shattering her dreams, he is.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 I would NOT wait til after the wedding. That just isn't fair. If she DECIDES she can forgive him and STILL marry him, at least she will enter the marriage with her eyes open.
I get that you don't want to ruin her big day, but when IS the right time?
THERE is no such thing as the "right time" to tell a good friend this. Other then.. THE sooner the better.
Like I mentioned in my first post, I would confront him, give him 1-2 days to tell her, or else YOU will do it for him. Tell him this is his ONE chance to come clean. SHE deserves to hear this from him. HE OWES her to come clean before the wedding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Confront him first. Give him the opportunity to confess, or make it clear that you are going to act in the best interest of your friend, and his daughter.
Present all the facts you know to him. As the others said, record it. Telling your friend is not going to be easy, and she will go into denial almost instantly.
This is a touchy situation. I normally tell people to mind their own business. I have to agree with the majority in this case. I couldn't let a lifelong friend marry, having full knowledge that his/her fiance' is actively having an affair. He is the one who should confess; but it's unlikely without handing down an ultimatum.
Please be careful of your safety. People can do some pretty crazy things when under pressure, or in desperate situations. Don't let him know you're recording. He'll destroy any evidence.
Let's hope she doesn't already know. That the baby wasn't her way of holding on to her four-year relationship under threat.
Even if they never marry, they are bound together by an innocent little baby. He is in your friend's life for the duration; being the father of her baby. They should and can work things out; but wedding plans should be delayed until that is decided. She should have the opportunity to go into it with both eyes open.
I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. Good luck! I appreciate friends like you. They're priceless!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Thank you SO much everyone for your advice and replies.I called him and told him what I knew. He initially denied everything then when I pushed him he said he'd spoken to her via text but that was all.I asked him if he would tell his fiancé, he said yes but not until after the wedding. I told him I didn't think that was acceptable and that I would make plans to see her tonight (he was apparently working tonight so would be out the way.)I called her to make plans and she tells me he is poorly so having the night off work so plans ruined!! Fast forward an hour and she turns up at my house unexpectedly.. She said she sensed something was up on the phone. I said I think he's been seeing someone else and gave her a quick run down. To my surprise he then called me and she asked me to answer and put him on loudspeaker which I did. He said he's thought about it and is going to tell her himself tonight when she gets back (she told him she was popping to the shop) he went on to say he was an idiot and that everything I'd found out was true.My friend was obviously devastated but has said she's going back to see if he tells her. At this stage I don't know what she'll do.Thank you all so much for your advice today
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): The first thing is to confront this guy and tell him you know and how the proof you have is 100%. I agree that you should record his response on your phone - great idea. However I would give him an ultimatum. That he tells your friend himself within the next 24 hours (otherwise you will) so that she has a choice before the wedding - and it comes from him. If he doesn't then absolutely a friend should do the right thing and explain that she needs to confront her 'husband to be'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Confront him about it, and have your phone in your pocket recording the conversation.
OP she's your life long friend, forget the emotional bullshit of shattering dreams and think about what you know she'd want here.
I'd rather lose a friend because she felt I ruined her dream wedding than lose her because I knew and let her go through with it only to be crushed later.
OP the only things I see as to why you're not telling her are bullshit things, because he's obviously no the man of her dreams, he's a liar and cheat and frankly you're going to turn that wedding from a dream into a nightmare if you don't tell her first. All that money spent, all those family members there and then you sitting there knowing the truth trying to pretend to be happy for her all the while knowing how crushed she's going to be when she finds out because if you found out you can bet your ass she will too, and honestly OP, it's unforgivable that you would not warn her beforehand.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): If you have iron clad proof, pictures etc, then it is best to tell BEFORE rather than after.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I agree that this is a really hard position to be in.I found out once that my good friend's bf was cheating on her and I knew I had to tell her. I invited her over one day and told her I needed to tell her something important, and then I told her what I knew. Of course she was devastated, but she thanked me for telling her. Fast forward two years…she's much happier with a much better man :)So yes, I think you need to tell her. Just don't do it in public! And no, don't confront him. Just your friend.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 March 2014):
 If my fiance was cheating on me, I'd want to know. If I found out after I was married that my best friend knew all along and did not tell me, I'd be very upset. I'd feel like I was betrayed by two people: My husband and my best friend. You need to tell her before she gets married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I found out this morning. The person he is cheating with, I also know (although I wouldn't say we are friends) and so when I heard this morning that it was her, I immediately confronted her and she confessed everything and showed me text messages/pictures to back up what she was saying.About a month ago he told his fiancé that he was having cold feet but about a week later he was completely past that and back to telling her how happy he was and couldn't wait to marry her etc. at the time I queried whether he could be cheating as his behaviour had changed (started wearing aftershave, having days off work and disappearing for the day etc) but my friend dismissed it saying she trusted him 100% and knew he would never do that.I think she should know. I know if it were me id want to know but it is SO close to the wedding now. Would it be best to tell her after the wedding so she's not in a rush to make a decision on what to do, or before so she can decide whether she really wants to marry him? She is a fantastic woman but I think if he were to say how sorry he was and make promises to her she would possibly forgive him for the sake of their baby... I don't know this but I know her well enough to know it's a strong possibility.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 March 2014):
If you were in her shoes would you want to know?
If the answer is yes, then I would talk to the husband to be. Tell him that you know and that he NEEDS to come clean to his wife-to-be or you will tell her, but that you think it's is BETTER if to comes from him.
Have you considered having a conversation and steering the subject onto cheating without hinting? Like ask her what she thinks of cheating, if she would want to know....
How long have you known?
Because 9 days before the wedding seems kind of critically late.
If One of my lifelong friends were getting married and her husband-to-be were cheating I would tell her. I would WANT MY friend to do the same for me.
There is a chance she already knows or suspect and have chosen NOT to admit it or believe it. And there is the chance that you can lose a good friend (or two) here.
If she wasn't a good close friend I would be tempted to NOT tell her, but I would NOT want my friend to go through a happy day and THEN find out AFTER the fact.
This is such a hard position to be in.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): "What do I do? I get along well with him so do I confront him about it?"Tell him that if he doesn't tell her before the wedding, then you will. Whether or not you tell her, she's going to find out eventually. Better she knows before the wedding than after, as in the long run cancelling a wedding is a less objectionable alternative to ending a marriage. And if she decides to go through with it, then you'll know she went in eyes wide open.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Stay out of it for sure, you will completely destroy her if you tell her this and believe me she will shoot the messenger and she will never speak to you again. He will find a way to get out of this I assure you and they will get married anyway and you will be out of the picture. I had the same problem one of my friends was being cheated on while they were married, and I even had concrete proof that he was cheating! The sad thing is that she even suspected herself he was cheating and found emails from another girl on a fake facebook account that her husband created, and he even managed to get out of that!!! Stay away and IF it ever came up that you knew you explain that you were not sure and didnt want to break them up especially 9 days before the wedding. The truth is most women sense when their man is cheating and its their problem to ignore it so it's not your problem I know you care for your friend and looking out for her and you probably feel sick about him but look its not really your business.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): I would meet up with the fiance ASAP and give him an ultimatum. Either he comes clean, or you tell her what you know. I would tell him that I am going to call my friend at a specific time and if she's acting normal (ie, he hasn't dropped the bomb) you will do it. Hopefully, he will do it himself. If he hasn't done it by the time you call, you can make up an excuse to say you are coming round to their house. Again, this should make him come clean before you do it for him.Obviously if he doesn't do that, then unfortunately you have to be cruel to be kind and go over there. In front of both them, you tell her... Amy, you are my dearest friend and I only want you to be happy. I believe Dan has something to tell you. I'll be in the baby's room with the baby if you need me. Then you leave them to talk. If he's still being an arsehole about it, I'd give your friend the name and number of the woman to confirm in front of him or even call her on loudspeaker.It's going to be a horrible experience. And your friend could well resent you for forcing this harsh truth that's spoiling her dream.But can you live with yourself and call her your friend if you attend the wedding as if nothing is going on? If you let her commit legally and financially to someone who isn't what he seems?In her shoes, what would you want your friend to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Tell her. She is a good friend of yours who is about to marry a liar. Forget the child she has. This isn't about staying together for the children. Who cares about canceling wedding plans. If she accuses you of lying, show her proof. If she denies the truth then there is not much you can do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2014): Confronting the woman isn't enough; she could be lying. What SOLID proof do you have?You could TRY asking him what happened and hope that he confesses, then talk to your friend BEFORE she gets everything set up for the wedding if he hasn't.This is a difficult situation to be in because it's shoot the messenger whether you're wrong or right and whether you tell her before or after the wedding. Personally, I'd have to tell her he MAY be cheating because _____ spoke to me and told me all about it (or however it happened), but I'd probably ask him about it first and give him a day to tell her, if it happened. Then I'd tell her the day after I'd given him, if he didn't tell her.That said, I wouldn't barge in and say your fiancée's cheating on you; I'd say "I think he's cheating on you and this is why...."
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