A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunts and Uncles, I have been married over 30 years and recently found that my husband has had at least 2 'emotional' affairs (which he admits to and swears they were no more than that???). This has DEVASTATED me. Question is what do I do? We both love each other but I can't get over what he has done or forgive him or envisage ever trusting him again. How does someone of my age (nearly 60) break off with the love and spouse of their life to look for someone who they may or not be able to trust and be able to love as much as the love of their life (before he cheated!!!!!). I know most people on here say 'once a cheat always a cheat' etc. but at my age what seems the point in trying to start again knowing I will probably never find my soulmate, who I already have but cheated on me. Please don't think that because I'm a mature lady, it hurts any less and that I shouldn't be worrying about that sort of thing at my age. It hurts as much as if I was a teenager, betrayal is betrayal. Please help x
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affair, cheated on me, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Thank you Miamine, Your answer has really hit the nail on the head. i feel like you can see into our relationship xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2010): Oh scramled brain,I feel For you. Why are you tormenting yourself again. Just when you think you have found out everything about0 your hb something else is discovered. The aunts here and myself has well have suggsted counselling for yourself. You have chosen not to. You pretend to friends and family that your marriage is perfect BUT it is far from perfect. You have chosen this pretense and everytime you post something else is being revealed. Hun, you need to make a choice and stick with it. If I am not mistaken you have posted about your hbs affairs and we go around in circles. Every week the aunts here try to help you, but you are now bordering on the compulsive obsessive. We cannot help you love if you d not want to rrealistically help yourself. At least respect the aunts here on DC, I think we have responded to over 80/90 posts of yours. ENOUGH, I am truly sorry yourt hb betrayed you, truly sorry he lies all the time, sorry he manipulates you, sorry he has abused you when you mention his affairs, I still think your hb is cruel bastard for destroying your trust But now decide to let it go. You know you would never find out the exact extent of all his affairs so please make peace with this. Please stop tormenting yourself and us,almost everyweek we all give you some suggestions but it seems insufficient. Please seek professional help We Cannot do anymore on DC. I am not being disrespectful to you but you would notice that we too are tired of us. Goodluck.please take care.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 February 2010):
 Oh dear.. big hugs honeypie, I can imagine how much it hurts. Now funny enough "emotional affair" somehow seems more devastating than when a man goes out and has sex with someone once. A one night stand mistake, well I can forgive that, but bonding with another woman, taking her into your heart, that hurts, that hurts a lot.
Unfortunately, we are human. After a long time of one thing, people can get bored. That's what I think happened, he felt old and stuck in a routine, these women came arround and promised him something different. Less an emotional affair, than trying to grab on to youth and pretend your not committed and free.
Yes men can get emotionally involved with other women, that's the time to make sure that everything at home is good and that your relationship is the best. Emotional involvements (and sometimes physical ones) are a good kick up the backside to warn us that there may be problems in our relationship and that we need to shake things up.
It's over and done now, yes it hurts, especially since you didn't know and can do nothing about it now. No matter what these he felt for these women, it was never enough for him to leave you. One woman NEEDED him, he probably felt manly and useful and depended on, those feelings can be confused for strong attraction.
Now I know your upset and hurt, but can you push past this and try to discover what it all meant and what lessons have been learnt. Chin up babes, none of this sounds like your husband ever loved you any less. But his heart may have got involved inappropriately with women who had problems to solve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): To female anon reader: I found some flirty lovey dovey texts but one of hers actually did refer to the fact that they hadn't had sex so at least I know that.
The other 'affair' is a friendship he had many years ago with a work colleague and he bought her a necklace when (he says) she was going through a breakdown. I knew at the time he'd bought it although he didn't tell me (I found the receipt) and didn't know of her existence until then.
He said he never mentioned it because I am so jealous (which is very true). Now in the light of this I'm wondering if there was more to that than he cares to confess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): I think you need time to heal and think about things ON YOUR OWN. My advice depends on how much money, dignity, and hootzpah you have. Your never too old to have dignity. My great grandmother, back in a time when divorce was taboo, kicked my great grandfather to the curb well in her 50's. I think he might have cheated or something. She had 8 children! Most of them were older though and living on their own. She took some of the money they had and survived on that. She was business savvy. Rented out some rooms in her house. She always had money. He came back to her and she accepted him back a couple of years later. She wasn't worried about being alone. Her dignity and what she wanted was more important and she figured it out. If you have the money I would peace him out. That will give him time to think about what he did. And that will give you time to think as well and to learn that you don't need a man in your life, much less one who makes you feel this way. Be proud dear. You aren't that old. A man is not there because you need him. He's there because he compliments you and respects you. Right now you both need time. Kick him to the curb, don't feel bad. Maybe its what you both need right now. I've seen it done a million times and those balsy women are always the ones who men love the most. If you have the money and the balls to do it, do it. Men don't respond to words, they respond to actions. Take action. Show him that at any age it is unacceptable. Good luck
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A
female
reader, baddest_chikk  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 dont assume tht u cant start over. cheating once is something people cnt get over but to do it twice is something diff.. u deserve the right to be in a mariige where u dont have to worry about who ur man is doing at nights he doesnt come home.. without trust u have nothing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Of coarse it hurts just as much. If anything it hurts more because you've been in love with him and trusted him for 30 years, not just a few months.
I loved CaringGuy's answer.
I don't think you should stay with him just because you're scared of being alone. You don't trust him and you won't be happy. If you left him and didn't find someone else to share the rest of your life with, then I still think you'd be happier than if you stayed with him.
You could see your friends more and focus on these relationships.
If you really want to give it another go, then CaringGuy was stop on, with some couples councilling.
He should be fighting for you really hard... Doing everything to get your trust back and make up for the pain he is causing you... If he's not... Leave him!
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Weparley , you make sense. I think you onto something here. The OPs hb is hiding the truthfrom her. I firmly believe if he was not getting it from her he definately got it elsewhere. To the OP, did your hb confess or did you catch him. Once confronted how did he react. Did he coverup any deceit. Bottomline, he only says he had 2 affairs, can you trust his word. I think you actually know what you are dealing with. The question is, Can you? Trust your gut.
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female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (27 February 2010):
 You both stayed together this long because you love each other.yes, it is very hurtful and devastating to feel as he emotionally cheated you or perhaps physically cheated but you can both talk it over with honesty about this matter, an open communication. Sort the problem out of what he wants and needs, and as a wife be a listener to him and know the cause. At this time of moment, he may need your broad understanding of this matter and he must know too what you feel and how it affects you. It may not be easy to regain the trust again but if he feels remorse or will do some effort to win your trust again..then save your marriage...you surely must love each other with 30 yrs.of living together.
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A
male
reader, weparley  +, writes (27 February 2010):
Emotional Affairs???... Men don't have emotional affairs. I honestly can tell you, I don't think he is being honest. (GRANTED)He confessed to affairs. But I think he told you the least of what he did. Physical affairs is what men crave. I highly doubt that this man is being honest."Seriously" Telling his wife "I just had emotional affairs" is the soft easy way out. It just sounds so innocent.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 February 2010):
A soulmate doesn't cheat. And it's not like it happened once. It happened twice. You might be nearly 60, but that doesn't mean you can't go and find that soulmate! There was a woman in Britain recently who aged 82 found her soulmate and now they're married. So you can find him. To cheat once is one thing, to do it again is completely another. You know in your heart you won't be able to trust him properly again. However, if you want to try, then you and your husband both need to go to counselling and get all this out in the open. But bear in mind what I said about that 82 year old who just got married. It's not over until it's over, and your soulmate will still be out there.
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