A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What should I do now that my boyfriend of almost 7 years is not picking up my phone calls/returning them after I told him I called to break up 2 months ago. After I mentioned breaking up and hesitated, he took it literally and didn't call me back the next day. It's been about 2 months now. Should I patiently wait for the day he calls because we're professionally involved as well so I figure he would have to call me eventually to talk, at least, professionally?Should I go find him in person and get this talk going, I'm more concern about the personal part because I don't think I want to break up with him after all? I feel that I've left him enough messages in regard to how I feel about him so if he really cares and wants to talk to me, he would've picked up the calls or called me back by now?
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female
reader, pdx1 +, writes (28 May 2010):
He hasn't called because he doesn't want to. In fact, he probably hasn't given it much thought at all. I know that seems harsh. It took me a long time to realize that men and women do not think alike. Try to put some levity into the heartache; the message he is sending you is: "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me". (credit given to Jimmy Buffett). And now, get on with your life and find someone who is deserving of you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): You could have inadvertently saved him the job of dumping you first. Or he could be thinking you dumped him but then decided to keep him on as an 'option' and now doesn't believe you really want him. There are numerous possibilities. He may be one of those people who doesn't want to give another chance to you because of how upset he was when you dumped him. The only way to find out is to talk to him. Only he can tell you why he stays away. The bottom line is you dumped him. The fact that you later said you didn't mean it doesn't mean much because the very fact that you were able to call him up and dump him over the phone may tell him that he doesn't want to be with someone who can do that. It is hurtful and distressing to be just left hanging like that. At least he has some pride and dignity about himself. If he wanted to end it anyway maybe he was winding you up beforehand to provoke you into dumping him so you could have been played here. Why did you dump him? What happened to cause this? Was he behaving badly? Or were you playing games to get him to see if he really loves you. If he did something wrong, then you dumped him in anger, technically he should, if he loves you, apologise and want to come back. If however, you were playng games I wouldn't blame him for wanting out for good. If you did it because you wanted a reaction from him to see if he cares, then that doesn't work because even if he DOES care he will be totally confused as to why you dumped him. If he was neglecting you hoping you would dump him, then he got what he wanted. I think these are the three main possiblities but without knowing more history it is pretty much impossible to say. Do not ever dump someone unless you mean it because sometimes, some people will just call your bluff and then the damage is done because nobody really wants to be in a cycle of a 'dump me, take me back, dump me, take me back' thing cos it is exhausting and bad for the mental and physical health. My ex played games with me then he dumped me for good one day, then he wanted me back but went about it in a gamey way and so on and so on, so I was cool about it all then he was furious and the whole thing just got worse and worse until we split up. Good luck whatever you decide to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2010): Hi, he probably took you literally/at your word. He is a man & men can be (in my experience anyway) quite black & white like that; we are the ones (women) who tend to analyse things I find. So, if you tell him you are dumping him he simply thinks he has been dumped and he will try and move on. Also, never dump someone unless you mean it because it muddies the waters and could then cause the other person to think 'did he/she dump me in anger and now regret it or do they really not want to be with me' and this is unhealthy because if you really DO want to end it properly someday, he might just assume you are once again doing it in anger or to test how much he wants you or whatever and then that could cause more problems and heartache. I would talk to him if there are any 'issues'. You dumped him so as far as he is concerned, he has been dumped and he has to try and move on. He is doing the right thing, saving himself heartache and uncertainty further down the line. If you want to be with him but want to sort out any issues then be honest about it. If you don't want to be with him, then equally be honest about it. Life can get busy and stressful enough without what I call a 'head f**k' style relationship to contend with as well. I had this with my parter for nearly 8 years - on/off on/off and I got so sick of it. I stayed too long. I wish I had been like your guy and just taken him at his word years ago and stayed away. He is a man, you told him you don't want him. Even if you later said you changed your mind he will rightly question what he is doing with someone who can dump him so easily and will wonder if you ever really wanted him at all. Games don't work unless the other person is weak and games are (in my opionion) wrong and damaging and not the way to go about things. If you feel you want to sort this out once and for all, then go find him and talk to him, or arrange to meet up preferably. You might find that he has taken this as a warning shot and no longer wants to be with you if he knows you are going to dump him in anger and leave him never knowing where he stands so be prepared. Your post is a bit unclear anyway .. why did you call him to break up?? Had you had a significant argument about something important?? One other thing that springs to mind is that also, these days more and more so, I think people would rather be alone than in a stressful uncertain relationship. I think the days are long gone, or almost gone, where people just stay together rather than be alone (unless they have children etc which is another issue/situation because they may want to give the children a two parent family). More and more people are finding things to do instead of relying on one person/a relationship to fulfil and satisfy themselves in their lives. He may have friends, hobbies, good books to read, places to go etc etc and he may feel he is ok on his own or just having fun. I would never dump someone unless I meant it and even then, there would be some pre-warning signs ie a talk about problems/a problem. If I did dump them I wouldn't call them up and do it then change my mind. I would speak to them in person. I believe he may have felt kind of stunned that after all these years you cut him loose in one phone call! You clearly have this on your mind so maybe you should try and talk to him. You can be honest without having to compromise yourself but if you really love him you will take a little risk. Good luck :) x
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (27 February 2010):
 Excuse me? You called and told him you were ending your relationship two months ago, and now you wonder why he hasn't called you?
What did you expect?
Did you by any chance want him to plead with you not to break up? Or were you playing games? Look, if you were unsure whether you wanted to end things, you shouldn't have phoned him and said you did! You should have told him there were issues you needed to talk about, seen whether that produced positive results, and if not, THEN decided.
I know you said to us that you changed your mind, and if you left numerous messages saying so, and he hasn't called you back, he's obviously not interested in resuming the relationship.
Just forget it, and let the professional part sort itself out - or not!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): Yes of course if he cared he would have called. Sounds to me like he wanted to break up and somehow got you to do it for him and now that you did he is homefree and that's why he is not answering you. He is probably dating someoene else too. A guy doesn't so easily break up with one woman (no fight nothing) if he doesn't have someone else lined up. Sad truth I know. I don't know how old he is but his is such a cowardly way of handling things. Cowardly and plain sh*tty. You don't need this guy in your life. You don't realise it now but you are actually better off without him. My best advice?? Ignore him. Do not give him the pleasure to know that you care. Oh and even though I know this guy kinda manipulated the situation a bit, however, next time you tell a guy something whether it is "its over" or whatever, stick to your words! Don't say stuff you don't mean. Maybe this is a lesson? Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 February 2010):
You told him it was over. He has taken the choice to ensure that it is over because he doesn't want to be messed about. You've made a big mistake, and now you have to live with it. He did care about you until you said it was over. You can't just suddenly expect him to pick the phone up again and get over it. You phoned him to say it's over. So it's over. Now he has moved on. Let him go and find someone who you will love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2010): he moved on nowadays people don't have time for games life is too short but if you really feel you made a mistake go get your man you said you been with him for 7 years you no were to find him stop calling and give him all face to face action! good luck!
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