A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi i have been married for 7 years but just recently found out that my husband has been on several dating sites for the last 3 years , eroticy and adultfriendfinder plus several more and has a secret email address.. there were emails from many different girls and he has met up with 2 of them. I confronted him with all of this and he said it was just for titilation and he has not beed unfaithful..I am devasted and really dont know what to believe. We are seeing a councellor to work through the problems of why he felt the need to do this, but i need to know what he has done and have lost all my trust in him and i am totally devastated!He does not want us to separate and says he loves me .. but i am so totally confused. He has lied about all this for 3 years how can i trust he has not been unfaithful? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2007): Can you afford a private detective? Do you really want to know? If you cannot afford to hire someone and you honestly want to know, its time to be your own detective. Read his emails, if he is meeting up with someone FOLLOW HIM (in a rented or borrowed car). Another thought there are body language ways to tell if a person is lying. They will look away briefly as they lie to you for example. Learn the other ways one can spot a liar.
In my opinion though he has already cheated. In my opinion what he admits to is cheating in my book. I would treat it all the same and act accordingly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would just like to say thank you to everyone who responded, you have all given me lots to think about!
Thank you once again for all your advice and kind words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007): Sweety, don't chalk this up to idle curiosity or just pure fantasy. That is plainly not the way to think about what was staring you straight in the face, here. For 3 years he lied and his fantasy was becoming a scary reality as you stated he was exchanging e-mails and he had met up with two of these women. Guys like your husband who are married and go trolling dating sites for sex and kicks, are the reasons why many decent women avoid these sites. Let's call this what it really was. He was looking to cheat and his lack of fidelity to you and his intent, showed a profound disrespect for you and his marriage all due to his own selfish needs and wants. So now you ask.. how can I trust he has not been unfaithful? You can't trust that he has or has not been unfaithful, dear. You don't know. All you can do is tell him...that he shattered your trust. And now, your trust for him must be earned back. Stay strong and steady here because he was the one who broke your trust, he has to work hard to establish it again. It won't be an overnight thing...it will be a long term process and it will test your love, the meaningfulness of your committment and marriage to the ultimate limits. He chose to break the boundaries, he has no right to be begging or whining for your full trust. In time, it will come down to 2 choices for you. Break up if you can't rebuild the trust or decide to put this behind you and re-commit to each other fully. I am sorry for what has happened here, toyou. There is no lonelier place to be that to be with a man we love, but we can't trust. In the end, the choice will be yours. Do what's best for you and makes you the happiest. Good luck dear and my heart goes out to you.
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A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (6 February 2007):
 I have a slightly different opinion on all this. I'm an experienced user of dating sites and have some idea of how men tick when they join them. The best I can describe it is by saying that they have a wonderful woman at home who they often truly love, but they discover dating sites and it's like a kiddie in a sweet shop. They begin to think they'll find this dream woman out there, who has everything they fantasise about. The point is that it's a fantasy! They never find that woman because she doesn't exist. For the wife or girlfriend it's a very hard thing to accept because it seems they don't love you any more, but this isn't true. It's a very exciting version of flirting. I'm not saying you should accept it, because you shouldn't, but you need to explain to him that you understand how it happened and that it's now OVER. Point out to him that many women on those sites will have faults and/or baggage. That many women on those sites are actually not honest and you never know who you're dealing with. If he wants titillation then ask him how you can make your life together more titillating. Don't be too hard on him, but make it clear that you don't feel threatened by what he's done because it was such a silly immature thing to do. Try to imagine yourself in that situation and you might understand why he was tempted. If he insists on carrying on with it then you have cause for grievance. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Tanyas247  +, writes (2 February 2007):
 Oh, Dear. I am troubled deeply by what you've explained. This goes deeper than idle curiosity or titillation. Your husband has a problem. He, for three years, has been pretending to be someone he is not. This is quite serious, you see, because it turns into a lifestyle. When lying becomes routine, as it did for him, it is not easy to get out of it. An awful truth is that the excitement that he seeks will never be satisfied by just one woman. I say this because I've seen this many times, including with my ex-husband.
You have every right to be devastated. I felt the same way. I will say that anyone who can hide so much of his life and thoughts from his partner has a problem with not just women, but ethics, morals, compassion, commitment, and honesty. For three years he has betrayed you in the most deliberate way, unconcerned with his very troubling compulsions and how they would effect you. It sounds as though you found out on your own, which indicates that he felt no guilt or remorse, nor did he ever feel you deserved better. No matter how sorry he is now, he sure wasn't thinking of you as he lied through his teeth and met up with other women.
You deserve better. This man is going to need some heavy therapy if he is truly committed to working things out. Knowing this disease, which is sociopathic, first hand, I want you to know that people do not change. He will not simply delete the accounts and get over it. For three years, he has associated a 'thrill' with sneaking around for his own excitement. He will not be able to walk away from his compulsion, not will he gain a conscience and be a wonderful husband.
I am so, so very sorry. I would have felt that pain forever just so nobody else like you would go through it. The insecurity, the lost self-esteem, the doubts about your life and dreams and plans, are all part of the territory. You are not to blame for ANY of this, and I hope you always know that. He tricked you, and you are not a fool. He is simply a sociopathic person who will lie as long as it gets him what he wants, and is unfortunately very, very good at it. He is incurable. Feel pity for him, and move on for yourself and for your soul.
Best to You
Tanya
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (1 February 2007):
 I can imagine the shock you got when you found out about this.
Okay, there needs to be some boundaries here. You both need to sit down and talk about this. He says he loves you and he doesn't want to seperate from you. Then he needs to delete all this rubbish off his PC. YOU be there when he does it. He disassociates himself from the sites he's on and under NO circumstances does he talk let alone MEET with anyone one else. If these boundaries aren' met then tell him it's over!
Then you need to ask him why he would think to join one of these sites? It's one thing to browse through them and have a laugh but if he decides to join then there is something lacking in the marriage (whether he admits it or not). I think it's a good idea that you are both going to see a Counsellor and you should continue to do this. They will help you both work through this and hopefully at the end of it you will be stronger than ever.
I wish you both well in your future.
Eve
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 February 2007):
 You can't trust him because he has destroyed it. Your only choice is to allow him to try and rebuild it and that's going to take some time. See what the counselor decides and if he is willing to what he/she advises then you can take it from there. I hope he understands exactly how you feel, it's like the rug has been ripped from beneath your feet. HE is the one that did the destruction and HE is the one who will have to fix it. The best of luck to you, honey!
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