A
female
age
41-50,
*etrayed.wife30
writes:I am married for 14 years and has two kids. My husband is cheating on me for 12 years with different women. I got the chance to talk to one of his other women would you believe we just talk and didnt had a fight! They broke up because I have all the proof of their affair. But he seems like to have a lot of reserves. He is currently in a long time affair and I send email to his other woman, I don't really fight. She's so bitchy with her replies.My source is one of the mistress' acquaintances so I now quite a lot what they are doing and their plans. My source told me about them being engaged... I brought up this current other woman issue several times to my husband but it always ends up him getting mad at me and of course he denies it and always asks for proof. They are being too careful now because he knows I know what they are doing. He said he love me and he dont want us to be separated. I am always hoping for him to change. I am doing the best I can to get him back, I dont want to give up without putting up a fight but it seems like he dont want to hold on to what I am fighting for. This is too much for me, I am thinking about getting a divorce but I dont want to be selfish with my kids I dont want them to grow in a broken family. And I dont know how to tell it to my husband that i wanted to get a divorce because he thinks that nothing is wrong in our relationship. Do i really need to have the proof of his affair? Nothing is left for me, I have given my all. He never see me, i was never appreciated, always taken for granted, humilliated. I know I should have divorce him long time ago but I always think of our kids.
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female
reader, demeplev +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Depending what state you live in you can get affordable child care when its for work and or apply for welfare I know in NY they have a back to work program they train for jobs and assist in finding jobs as well as get your kids in childcare its a great way to start your life but no way does it afford much. you still must do what iamheretohelp says..take steps dont give him a clue and gather your life you are still young and this could be a great stepping off for you. When there is a will there is a way, stop punishing yourself by being dependent on him for your life, only you are responsible for your kids and your own life..he will have to pay child support and alimony if you take careful steps and do it right, you will develop such an enormous sense of accomplishment and self you deserve it..and who knows one day when the time is right you will find real true love. when you help yourself you will learn to love yourself, in this situation your allowing yourself to be the victim..we are here to encourage and help please keep us posted!!!! xo peace and love
A
female
reader, betrayed.wife30 +, writes (18 September 2012):
betrayed.wife30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are still depending on him financially, my other kid is 2 year old that's why i can't get a job and I don't have any relatives around all of them are in different country we're quite new to the place so i don't have friends yet. I have never worked my entire marriage life, I am a fulltime mom and housewife. I really dont know where to start the process of divorce even if I wanted to.Thank you to all of your good response...It really helps me to think things over.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 You are destined to be miserable with this man. Sorry. You have come up with excuses for why you can't leave. If you wanted to leave you can make it happen. You could get a job, you could stay with family or friends. Instead you are still worried about him seeing your efforts. Why?? Has he not done enough?? But like anonymous said pretty harshly, you are resigned to stay there because of your own insecurities. My mom makes the same excuses and maybe that's why it makes me so angry and for that I apologize. But depending completely on a man that's treats you like less than shit is depressing and I feel sorry for you. You could do better but you won't. He DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. Why don't you care about yourself?
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Seeing your predicament, I think you need to say put and start getting your ducks in order so that you can move out and be self-sufficient. This may mean getting an education, reaching out to your family for support, or squirreling away money so that you have a nest egg. Your husband will have to pay alimony, spousal support and child support should you decide to divorce, but that money will probably not be enough to carry you through.
Your husband is NOT going to realize what a gem you are. He is actively cheating and will continue to cheat. There is something either wrong with your relationship or with him (more than likely him). Perhaps he enjoys the thrill of the chase or has a high sex drive that isn't being fulfilled. Some guys are just jerks and are unable to commit to a monogamous relationship.
At this point, I would encourage you to seek outside help -- a therapist, a clergy member, family -- anyone, to help you sort out what you can do. You also want to be able to leave with the tools and financial stability in order that your kids' lives are affected the least.
Hopefully you'll take steps to get yourself out of this situation. I think half the battle will be convincing yourself that you deserve better and that you are trying to save a sinking ship.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): You are his live in door mat, he wipes his feet on your head every time he’s allowed to come home and lie next to you in bed. He virtually spits in your face with lies and you enable him to keep treating you like this… You give him licence to screw without any consequences for his behaviour. Instead, you don’t want your children to come from a broken home (just a dysfunctional disrespectful home instead) and believe he loves you because he doesn’t want to be separated. Why would he want to leave, he’s not ready to go! ‘Cause in the meanwhile there’s still you, his live in door mat! WAKE UP Betrayed wife! Now if husband humilities his wife continuously like this and the wife does nothing but moan about it for years, I’d ask if she’s altogether in her head? This DOG of a husband has and you have allowed him to weaken you. Plus you’ve conditioned yourself to this type of treatment and in typical fashion voice the words; “I always think of our kids.” If you really did think of your kids you would have stopped this rubbish long before. No, it was because of your own insecurities, so I don’t buy into that weeping sorrow excuse. So now Betrayed wife, it’s a good as time as ever to get real angry and stop this rubbish way of life ‘for your children’! Get an apartment, rent out the spare room to make ends met, make sure the kids understand he still is their father etc. but unfortunately their Dad does not behaviour in a respectable manner that should be between Husband and Wife etc. How else are kids to learn; right from wrong?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 He's been having affairs - with several different women - over 12 of your 14 years??????? ...and you wonder if you should end things???? I believe that you are a couple of years late..... but, better late than never....
DON'T hold out hope that he will "change" and try to make things right with you. HIS track record is prodigious... and you can be sure that he isn't going to taint it just to keep YOU happy!!!!
Please send us an update when your divorce comes through. We'll want to hear that you're doing better!!!! Good luck..
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (17 September 2012):
Agreed with tisha also. But wanted to add from a child's point of view. I grew up with an abusive father. All of my siblings hated him. I remember being jealous of my friend's parents who got divorces and I wished my mom would leave him but she never did. As a result we are all screwed up in various ways, that's what happens when you grow up with a dysfunctional relationship as your only example. Don't think you are doing your kids a favor by staying here because you aren't. You are showing them its okay to be cheated on and walked all over. And even if they aren't aware of the actual cheating they can definitely pick up on unhappiness and uneasiness. Follow tisha's advice and get out. It's very clear he doesn't care for you in the slightest and you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, betrayed.wife30 +, writes (17 September 2012):
betrayed.wife30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still hoping for him to see my efforts. And I don't have a job. I can't hire a private investigator and a lawyer. I am depending on him financially.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (17 September 2012):
I agree 10000000% with Tisha...dont be an ostrich with your head in the sand...why would you stay in such a disrespectful situation you deserve more your kids deserve more..You dont have a marriage...sorry, so no do what Tisha says, Im divorced for different reasons but listen to what others are telling you because during such an emotional time its hard to see clearly hold on because the ride is wild..but when you look back youll be happy you did it and so much ahappier than you are now...this is just disgusting what I read and why you play along, I dont get, I get not breaking up the fmily, and sorry i didnt diivorce sooner my teenage daughter tells me often ma you should have left when i was younger ...shes no dope and neither are your kids, they are already feeling the brokeness of your family dont kid yourself. Please keep us posted I wish you stregnthand courage,peace and love
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
 Your kids deserve a mother who is treated well and not like a clueless idiot, as your husband is treating you.
If you want absolute proof that he's cheating, hire a private investigator, have him followed and you can present that report to him when you ask for that divorce.
Now, before you ask for a divorce, get all your ducks in a row. Go see a really good divorce lawyer and pay for a consultation. Ask what you need to do in order to dissolve the marriage with a minimum of fuss and a maximum of financial protection for yourself. Get out ahead of your husband.
Also, find a marriage counselor equipped to deal with unfaithful spouses and have that in your weapons array. Make no mistake, you are lining up for war and will need to be prepared. Get yourself the proof, the attorney and a counselor. Think one or two, or better yet, three steps ahead of what he might do. Take out the emotion from your planning process and become logical and clearheaded, okay?
If he is willing to cheat and lie, he has no honor, and may use all sorts of ridiculous tactics to derail your intentions.
The marriage is 'broken' already, staying on and pretending everything is peachy keen will only lead to a lifetime of stress and unhappiness for you, which will hurt the children more than seeing their mom happy and free from misery. Not to mention, having the example of a cheating man isn't all that great a role model for your kids. A girl might get the idea that it is her lot in life to be cheated on and a boy might think it's okay to cheat.
Sorry you are in a bad place now. Just take some practical steps now and you'll be in a much better place at this same time next year.
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