A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey all, quick question. My husband has a problem with hygiene, such as I have to "tell" him to brush his teeth, or to take a shower...I find it disgusting, and a HUGE turn-off. I don't want to be rude about it, but I want the problem to be fixed. Any suggestions on how to handle this nicely? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (6 July 2010):
 Ew, gross! How can anyone STAND to walk around dirty?
Marriedlady... I feel for u. He's 19? Whoa. When I was 19, I was Miss Priss. Still am!!
I would just tell him that you love him but that this is bugging you, and a real turn-off. Be direct but nice... you catch more flies with sugar than with poison, and all that.
Tisha and I believe another poster as well... have a good point. If someone begins neglecting their personal hygiene, that is symptomatic of depression. I'm not saying that your boyfriend definitely has depression but it's a good idea to see if anything is bothering him.
If it's just that he's too lazy to shower... then he needs to know how much it bugs you. I feel for you! That is really gross.
I would rather sleep with another girl than sleep with a man who has bad hygiene (there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian, just... well, I'm straight)!!
PLEASE READ!! :)I just wanted to say to all the posters, aunts, and my friends: I would like to apologize for having been away for awhile. I haven't forgotten my friends here, and I have been meaning to write some of you guys, and I feel badly because I have been away. I didn't mean to! A couple things have been going on in my life... my computer is a piece of crap and I have barely been able to connect to the internet, and I have been searching for work. But friends come first, I hope you all will forgive me and I will be in touch soon, I promise!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This is a very personal problem but should not be taken to extremes like divorce or splitting the best thing to do is to just sit him down one day and have a long talk dont wait for him to not brush or bathe and dont worry about him feeling embarrassed if he is not embarrassed by not having good hygiene then a talk wouldnt do any worse if he doesnt listen simply dont take him any where cut him off he'll come to his senses after a couple of days
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): oh boy! i see this being my 19 year old son in a few years. I feel sorry for the woman who gets him but maybe she will get thru to him, because hes not listening to me! He is fairly clean, but could care less what his clothes, and hair, etc look like. doest "get it." Im sorry poster, im not trying to hijack your thread...but some just have to be told over and over. sigh...i wish you good luck, and Tishas answer was great. lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like Tishas answer, thanks everyone for your help :) I'll be sure to squirt some febreeze when he walks into the room :P maybe he'll get the hint, and if not, then I'll have to sit him down and talk to him. Again, thanks for your help :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): suggest taking a bath together !. i recently took a bath together with my boyfriend for the first time and we both really enjoyed it ! ; ).
also, tell your husband that it is important that he has good hygiene, for health reasons.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Get some of his friends and relatives to make comments as well, but don't let him know you have said so.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): "I can't be mean, he's kind of a sensitive person. I don't want to hurt his feelings"
So you're plan is to enable him... forget that!
You need to tell him POINT BLANK- (some guys are THICK!)...
No cleanliness, no sex... and I'm NOT talking about 2 min's before the act... I'm talking about regularly... Bath, brush... wipe... whatever...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 July 2010):
 "Sweetheart, I love you. I'm a bit concerned about something and I need your help. I'm not your mother and I don't want to feel like your mother. I'm your lover and I want to stay your lover.
"This is really hard for me to say, so have some patience and understanding for me, okay?
"Here goes: I'm finding your hygiene to be a bit lacking. Are you feeling okay? Is everything okay with you? You forget to brush your teeth, to take a shower, to shave.
"I've been considering getting a doctor's appointment for you as a checkup just to see if everything is okay. Maybe you have a fungal or bacterial infection that is making you smell so bad?
"Whatever it is, I am finding this really difficult because it is a turn off for me. I love you and I want to be attracted to you but the hygiene recently has been so lacking that I just can't tolerate it anymore.
"I hate to have to have this conversation and possibly hurt your feelings but I am kind of at my wits' end here. What can we do to solve this problem?"
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): So does he think that now he has a wife he doesn't have to bother? Just tell him, how you feel about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didn't notice it prior to marriage because it rarely happened before marriage, it's somewhat of a new development, or maybe I was too busy preparing that I didn't notice. It just really bothers me that I should have to tell a 26 year old when to shower, shave, brush his teeth, ect. I have tried being nice, putting little notes next to the toothbrushes, it's not working, but I can't be mean, he's kind of a sensitive person. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but thanks for the help guys :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe's 26, and I don't feel the need to be his mother lol, it's just annoying
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female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 If your age range is correct (18-21) then he still may be in the slovenly teenager mode.
You are very young to be married, and he may still think he can do what he did when he was a carefree single teen - ie having his mother (you) pick up his dirty clothes and nag him to shower, get his hair cut and tidy his room.
Is this a new development, or has he always been like this? If not, how come you didnt notice it prior to getting married?
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male
reader, Afterglow +, writes (5 July 2010):
 Seriously, what would be his incentive to change his behavior? This was not a new phenomenon with him. He didn't just up and adopt poor hygiene out of the blue. You didn't marry a pristine dude only to watch him morph into a disgusting swamp a$$. And yes, a grown man who doesn't brush his teeth or shower until he is told is a disgusting swamp a$$. He was this way when you married him. So, apparently, he did not have to do much to impress you. Most men practice various levels of hygiene due to some motivating factor.
* Personal Pride
* Insecurity with socialization
* To attract a partner
* Courtesy to cohabitants
* Professional necessity
I am one of the men who fall into the "personal pride" category as a motivation to attend to my HIGH level of hygiene. I love to look good and smell good at all times.
You can nag, suggest, yell, direct until you are blue in the face. Only when he feels motivated to partake in more regular practices of hygiene will he change. Right now, other than you being frustrated, what has been the consequences of his poor hygiene. What does he have to lose? Apparently YOUR satisfaction and pleasure are not a motivating factor for him. A man will only change his behavior if he senses without change, there will be consequences, or with change, there will be a reward. So, you must find a motivator and present him with it.
Young lady, this is what you said "I Do" to.....so work it out or walk it off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Offer him sex in the shower! That's what my sister in law did with my brother, he has the same problem! She says that the smell of Axe shampoo is a total turn-on, and that not only is he getting clean, he's playing around with you, too. She also said that my brother thinks loofas are a must haha! Because apparently soap running down a woman's body is hot lol
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 July 2010):
Can I ask how this started?
I mean, he's your husband so I presume you both have been living together for some time before you got married. Were his habits when it comes to hygiene bad then as well? If it's something that's been happening lately, something else might be going on. Is he very stressed/depressed/dealing with other issues? People suffering from that sometimes start to neglect themselves. So see if there's an underlying issue to be taken care of.
What you could do is just tell him you like his clean shaven look better or that he smells so nice when he's just come out of the shower. If he doesn't feel like going under the shower, go together!
If he still is sloppy after that you need to get into his face about it. Tell him he isn't smelling nice lately and that you'd like that to change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): How awful!! What I'm not sure about,you guys are married, didn't you see signs of this before you got married???
People don't as rule change a lifetime of good personal hygiene once they get married..so excuse me for asking, but, if it was good before you got married, are you sure there is not something else going on here - Depression can make people very lethargic, not take care of themselves,and this is only a thought, I'm NOT saying it is, but I find it strange he would all of a sudden not take care of himself.
If it's not possibly anything other than he's too lazy to shower, then I'm afraid there is no way you can avoid upsetting him, whether you are really direct and just tell him he needs to clean up his act, that you find it very off-putting, to taking a gentler, less direct approach, both ways he's likely to take a bit offence to, but I'm sorry, he's not a child, and YOU are not his mother, where you should have to tell him to brush his teeth or take a shower.
Just tell him..otherwise this will really affect your marriage and sex life, and then you will have more than just a 'personal hygiene' problem to resolve!
Jilly
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Tell him a nice smelling clean man turns you on.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 July 2010):
You've already tried the nice way, and nothing's changed. Why waste any more time. I think you need to be honest with him and just say that you're concerned about his hygiene. Sure, he won't like it. But you've been nice already. Kindness won't fix this.
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