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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi,I am in the biggest dilemma of my life and need some help. I am 26, Indian, female. I had an arranged marriage 7 years ago when this really sweet guy from UK came to my house in UK and said he wants to marry me with his family. He seemed really nice and said he has a good job, own home, car etc. Since his parents and mine knew each other already, the marriage was finalised. I was only 19 then and slowly fell in love with him. He was extremely loving and caring. After a few months of me coming to the UK I realised something was wrong. Because he used to work nights, leave home every night but never brought any wages in! Anyway after a while I learnt that half the things he said were lies. I had to depend on my in-laws most of the time for financial help as my wages were not enough. I fell preganant and even then he had a very secretive life, he hid his phone from me etc. Then he told me that he had another child, a girl, who was born few days before he married me !!! That broke me. He said he had nothing to do with the mother of the child any more and I believed him. But a year later I found out that he had been living a double life where the other woman didn't know he was married either. I caught him out and revealed all to the other woman and his family. He begged me to give him another chance and I most foolishingly did. Last three years I have been mending my trust in him. He still didn't give me financial security but it looked like he was changing as a person. Most of all he is an excellent dad to my 3 year old daughter. But yesterday, I found his mobile lying about for the first time in years and decided to go through it. To my shock I found the other woman's name in the recent calls list. he had said to me that he didn't have no contact with her. He used to post money to his other daughter. I rang the number I found and after speaking to her I learnt that he had patched up things with her. He told her that I left him and went back to India. While I was away for a few days after an ectopic pregnancy, recovering in my in-laws house, he even brought her and the other child around to our house. They stayed the night and he even slept with her. This is too much for me and I have questiioned him about it since. He admits to everything and says he will not repeat it and loves me a lot. What do I do? Do I leave him? Do I get a divorce? Or do I think about my little girl, my family and his family and pretend nothing has happened? Please please help.
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female
reader, ceedra  +, writes (25 December 2010):
am in the net try find answer for the same problem..we been maried for sex years he has another doughter befor we maried but he said he got nothing to do with the mom.. but i found out thats its yes and sence we maried. so we both got the same broplem he loves me so much that he said he will kill him self if i left him and i love him too, i have 5years aboy and 2years girl am gana give him another chance i will help him pass it we will go to doctors ask for help, but if he doesnt change it will be the devource between us.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 November 2005):
 Oh yes you should leave his sorry ass behind! He will never change and will only bring you down. Pack your bags and your daughter's little things and get out. A lawyer will be able to sort out the fiancial aspects. You will never regret your decision.
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A
female
reader, caffeinequeen +, writes (31 October 2005):
First of all, I would like to say that I am really sorry for what you are going through. I am older than you and from a different cultural background,yet I know a bit about Indian culture so hopefully I will be able to help a bit about the whole situation.The first thing that I think is important, is to not spend time blaming yourself for trusting him over and over again. We all make mistakes, especially when in love, young, inexperienced. I think it is important that you decide that these mistakes are now in the past, and that you are going to confront the truth, to really look at the situation in a realistic way.Obviously, your husband has a supportive family who allows him to have his mistress and child in their home while you,his legal spouse, are recovering from an ectopic pregnancy.It is in his best interest to keep his 2 families and 2 lives, and for this, he is willing to lie to you and hide his telephone calls,etc... He is a lier and will not change his ways. It's up to you to decide if it is better for you to live with a lier, a cheater,and to expose your daughter to the lies, than to find a way out.I understand that divorcing or leaving your husband might be a shameful thing in the eyes of your in-laws and family.You are very young to resign yourself to being lied to for the rest of your life.There are many men out there who could give you much more financially and emotionally, than your present husband.Will you be able to simply accept the fact that your husband has another life, another child, and live in peace with this? Or would you rather start a new life, where you give yourself permission to be loved, respected and to feel safe?In my opinion, the first thing you need to know, is what you can legally do : how much money can you get if you divorce your husband?(It would be a divorce that is his fault because of the lying and cheating.) You said that he is a good father,which is a good thing,he might keep on being good to your daughter after a divorce.You also mentioned that you get very little help from him financially.So what is he giving you that is worth it? It is probably very important for you to feel safe, to have a home for your family,to know that you are part of a family.When your daughter grows up,would you like her to be in the same situation you are in?What advice would you give her if she came to you with the same problem?What are you teaching her by staying or by leaving?If I were you, I would definitely get legal help.This way: you know if you can support yourself in case of a divorce. YOu have already lost a lot emotionally,and you shouldn't lose financially as well.I would also check my romantic options,in case of separation, or divorce.To give you courage, you could check out dating sites, one that I know is called www.shaadi.com. You could check the ads,to see what kind of men are out there.I am sure there are men who are willing to give you and your daughter a good life. Once you see that there are other options, you will be more optimistic about a second chance.I would definitely talk to the other woman and discuss the situation with her.Does she want to marry your husband?Is this why she puts up with sharing him with you? Did he marry her too? Can she be your friend? Can you both find a way to protect and support one another and make sure that your children are safe and taken care of?Finally, I would try to find someone who has gone through the same situation.I am sure there is psychological help available, maybe a free number to call(women help line, women shelter, etc...).This way, you can get an opinion about what kind of options you have, whether you leave or stay.Maybe a social worker can give you an outlook of your options and offer valuable advice.I wish you a lot of courage.
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A
female
reader, MissMariah1984 +, writes (31 October 2005):
You do not deserve any man to treat you like this. I understand there is a child in the equation and that can often make things complicated, but what kind of life is this for her?? Seeing her mother unhappy and later on somehow finding out her dad is nothing but a cheater and liar?? Take youself and your daughther, file for divorce and give you and her the life I know you deserve. Any man that cheats and lies is not worth anything. Granted, he may be a good father, he is not a good husband to you and that can effect you and your daughter in the long run. best of luck xoxoxoxo Mariah
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A
female
reader, kirsty2hot +, writes (30 October 2005):
Hi,
Look this guy is not worth stayin with at all, leeve him because he's just one big lie!
Goodluck x
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