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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi. You may think my issue is nothing to worry about or that I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But here goes...My husband and I have been married 9 years. I knew about his sexual past for the most part but recently he told me he had anal sex with a woman who was 10 years older than him when he was in his 30s, well before we met. I knew about this woman but he never told me about the anal sex, although he swears that he did and is adamant that I already knew. No, I did not. I don't recall him saying that to me. He said it was a primarily sexual fling that lasted a few months and then he ended it. First, I've never had a fling or casual sex like he did. I was a virgin when I got married to my first (ex) husband and he is now my second sexual relationship and marriage. I was pretty conservative growing up and not at all sexually adventurous or experienced like him. And I consider a man having anal sex with a woman pretty adventurous. I asked him why he did it. He said she wanted it and he wanted to make her happy, but didn't like it after doing it once and never did it again. Could that even be true??? On top of that, he has never had anal sex with me and I thought I was his best sex ever (his words) as we experimented in every way sexually. Now I learn he did anal with someone else and never did it with me? He told me he and I did things he's never done with anyone else. It looks like he left out anal sex. I'm hurt by this and am trying not to feel upset or insecure. But I am. Also I have never had anal or meaningless casual sex with anyone ever. Now I'm worried our sexual backgrounds are not equal or aligned. Or that he does not have the same morals as I do. Do you think I will get over this or always worry he is too adventurous for me sexually and will eventually get bored and find a new experience?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): Pardon my typos!
Corrections:
"You have [no] obligation to try to keep-up or match his sexual-past." (*No two sex-lives are created equal!)
"They blab their big-mouths, and scare the dickens out of people!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): Dear Readers,
This is what happens when you overshare and offer TMI to your spouse! Some things are helpful, and others are hurtful. Know the difference, before you fling-open your closet and toss out all the skeletons! Some stuff ought to stayed buried under concrete!
Please bear in-mind that men-folk tend to boast about their sexual-prowess. You can't tell what's fact or fiction. While some people have no stories to tell, other's could fill a library. No doubt, there's more man-ho's out there than you might be able to imagine, but culture and society allows for it. You have to obligation to try to keep-up or match.
If you didn't demand a well-documented autobiography and a chronology of certifiable videos of his past-life when you were dating, how are you going to find fault nine years later after marriage?
I can understand how this upsets you, my dear. It's too much for someone who is somewhat conservative; and perhaps more restrained about their own behavior. Not everyone is going to have a sterling past; and the majority of us have a little bit of tarnish on our sexual-history. That is, if you weren't a virgin when you met your current partner. Not all guys have experienced anal-sex, or would even want to!!! Now that was a bit specific!!! Not even all gay-men care for it, or have had it; but it will raise the eyebrows of a partner who isn't as "experimental" or sexually-liberated, in a heterosexual-relationship. It's not for everybody, and just the thought of it will totally blow the mind of somebody who has an aversion to it!
I will be frank, but I'm not dismissing the concerns of a wife just finding-out her man has had anal-sex! For a heterosexual-male, it's not really the usual pillow-talk shared with your spouse; and it might be somewhat unsettling to be told! He might have thought you'd be more receptive, or he might have had a tad bit too much to drink; and obviously shouldn't have shared one of his spookiest secrets.
Ugh...soooo...what now?!!
It is abundantly clear, nobody's going down that lane where you're concerned!!!
If you live past 40, you will have a past. If you're going to judge people by their sexual-history, you may never find anyone perfect.
What in the world are you going to do about what he did before he knew you?
You can't be so naive as to be so shocked knowing how the vast majority of people might have experimented sexually at some point in their lives. Unless can you read someone's mind, how would you know how comparable your sexual-history is? Most can only provide anecdotal-evidence through unverifiable storytelling. You wouldn't even know if a man is a virgin, there's no biological-evidence to prove it. Even an in-tact hymen on a female won't prove she's still a virgin! There are other openings.
As far as I know, nobody has invented a time machine where we can go back and undo all the weird and wild things we did before we met our current committed-partners. You have to take the good and the bad, and for better or worse. Nobody is perfect, and people do change. He probably brought it up, hoping you might like to try it with him. Oops, his bad! TMI!!!
Why on earth do people look for reasons to disturb the peace in their relationships, and find ways to cause unnecessary disruptions??? Apparently, being loved and cared-for by somebody just ain't good enough! "Let's go dig-up something you or I can be judged about and anguish over; so we can kill all the peace and tranquility in our relationship!"
In my book, he was a complete dummy...nah, stupid...to bring it up, and he just stepped in a steaming pile up to his knees!!!
There are people who are never happy. They won't leave things alone, they won't forget or forgive; they're not satisfied until they find a scab to pick, or a wound to pour salt onto! The blab their big-mouths and scare the dickens out of people!
Do you love him? Does he love you? Is there anything he can say or do that will turnback the hands of time? Can he make it go-away?
He's your husband now. He did some kinky things back in the day. Now he's with you. You've shared nine years of your life with him, thus far.
Here's my prescription. Take an extra-strength chill-pill, and look-back on all the good things and good times you've shared with him since you've been his wife. Look for the good, don't dredge-up the bottom to see what you can find in the sludge. Tell him implicitly, and implore him, that he never share any of his raunchy sex-stories of the past with you! You can't handle them! Now you're mentally-traumatized and disgusted; and there is no-way to delete this from your mind.
If you're suddenly unhappy with the man you've got; there's probably another woman out there looking for one, and will gladly take him off your hands.
You can totally flip-out, or get over it.
Be grateful and feel blessed that you've got somebody to love you and grow old with. If you can't get over it, then divorce this man; and go find yourself another one, who'll probably keep horrible secrets from you. Somebody that may not love you as much as he does; but not dumb enough to overshare scary wild sex-stuff he did back in the day.
Maybe he was caught-up in a moment? Unfortunately, there is no mind-eraser that anyone here can offer you. If he has anymore stories to tell, I'd recommend he put a sock in it!!! There was no pun intended! Let this fade over time, or go see a divorce lawyer. Maybe it will require therapy. That's all up to you.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 August 2021):
 This is why I firmly believe that there should not be oversharing of information in any marriage. What good can possibly come of knowing about your partner's past? I fail to understand why on earth he's even discussing all this with you now! I cannot for the life of me imagine a conversation that you could be having where he would tell you that he had anal sex with a fling!
That being said, I think you're being very unreasonable. YOU were a virgin before your first marriage. That was your choice. You are more sexually conservative that your now husband. That too was/is YOUR choice.
How on earth can you blame your husband for a choice made my two consenting adults at a point in time where you were no way in his life?
Why are you making him pay for what you think are his "sins" when he merely did what he wanted, with someone else who wanted the same thing when most importantly, in your own words, well before you met? How is he responsible for you not having casual or anal sex? You chose not to! And just to be clear, having sex or sleeping around or even having anal sex before marriage does not make anyone a bad person! It's all in your perspective.
I wonder what more there could be to this. Do you have children? Why are you so insecure regarding him? You almost sound jealous and very judgmental. Why is this an issue after 9 years of marriage?
Yes, he probably doesn't have the same sexual "morals" as you, if you put it that way. Is that a deal breaker?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): It's not that big of a deal. An ex wanted it, so he gave it a try -- didn't like ti -- so why would he try something he didn't like with you. Most lovers provide what their lover wants within reason -
" I thought I was his best sex ever (his words) as we experimented in every way sexually." Then stop complaining -- you're probably doing it spinning around on an inversion table, driving your neighbors crazy with envy.
He didn't like anal - so why would he try it with nunish wife.
'A friend told me' her one lover who didn't like anal his penis was too big. I'm so jealous now. :-)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 August 2021):
 Seldom do I read a post which makes me think "what the hell????" and to which it is very easy to respond. Your post, however, is one of those rare posts.
Are you fed up with your husband? Are you looking for an excuse to end your marriage? Notice I say "excuse", not "reason". You give the impression you don't but I have to ask as your fixation and reaction to this one sex act is going to push your husband away a lot surer than him getting bored.
You have been happily (I assume) married for 9 years. You have a good sex life, involving experimentation "in every way" except anal. Do you really not think, if your husband had enjoyed his one experience of anal sex, he would not have broached it with you? Why would you want to coerce him into doing something he did not enjoy just so YOU can tick a box? And yes, contrary to what you suspect, some men do NOT enjoy anal sex. He tried it for his then partner because SHE wanted it, didn't enjoy it and didn't do it again. Do you want him to do the same with you? Men can feel sexually violated just as easily as can women. Would you be happy if he pushed YOU into doing something you knew you wouldn't enjoy just so HE could tick a box?
Perhaps he didn't tell you about it in the first place because he was trying to block out the experience. Why would he want to share something which he did not enjoy or want to repeat? HE ended the fling with the older woman. He married YOU. Stop seeing anything which he did with her as a threat to your marriage - because it isn't.
Just because he has had a fling here and there does not make him a bad or immoral person. I doubt he coerced anyone into having sex with him or strung them along with false promises to get sex. Assuming they were all single and "on the same page", no harm was done. Presumably you KNEW he had had casual sex before you married him. If it caused you to doubt his morals, why did you go ahead with the marriage?
You have been married for 9 years. Has he given you any reason to doubt him in that time?
Do I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill? Absolutely yes. You don't even have a molehill as a starting point. Stop overthinking this and enjoy your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): He didn't like it, didn't want to repeat it so why would he suggest doing it with you?
My boyfriend had a threesome a few times with his ex wife, it's not something I've ever done or wanted to do so why would I expect him to consider it with me? His explanation of the threesomes were that his ex wife instigated them and he just went along with it but with one woman he admits he liked having sex with her. My rationale is that when people are younger they experiment and do things they don't necessarily want to repeat when they mature and meet someone in which the relationship is not based around sex.
I don't like the fact he has had threesomes and at times I can like you feel insecure and worry if I'm enough but then I know we have so much more about us than just that and we have like you done other things he has never done with anyone else and he says I'm the best lover he has ever had.
This woman was nothing more than an experience and in the grand scheme of things meant nothing other than just a passing phrase. You are incomparable to her because you are you, you are unique and if he had wanted someone like her he wouldn't be with you.
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