A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone How do I deal with a clingy gf? Little background. We have been together for about 2 years. In the beginning she didn't appear clingy. This last year she certainly has been. If I don't see her, theres an argument, if I don't call her enough, there is another argument, if I don't text much well ...I love her but I don't like the way she behaves sometimes. I feel a bit smothered. I have suggested she tries to make some friends, I have tried to reassure her that I love her but I can't always be with her, or on the phone with her. I am going away on a little vacation and shes acting out, saying shes sick, has a migraine, and so on. I really dislike how she makes me feel for trying to live my life. Thanks for listening, and I would appreciate some advice
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 August 2021):
 OP, thanks for the update,
I think what you really need to do is reevaluate if she is the partner you want long-term.
My guess is not really.
Hiding or omitting you had an addiction and are in treatment for it is a HUGE no, no for me. She should have told you once it started to get serious. She chose to NOT tell you because she knew you might NOT want to date her. That is a lot like lying to me.
I hope you get a GOOD vacation and spend the time there to rethink if this is really the person for you.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (22 August 2021):
 I know you say that you love her, but there really is only so much of this sort of behaviour one person can take, we all have our breaking points.
I think the way she is making you feel is unhealthy for both of you. I'm not sure she is ready to be in a relationship yet as she needs to work on herself and her insecurities.
I think it would be healthy to call a break, and it would be wise to mention this before you go away on your vacation. Go away, clear your head and gather your thoughts and you can decide if this relationship is really for you as you may decide its time to call it a day.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 August 2021):
 It sounds, from your second post, like the clingy behaviour started around the time she confessed about her addiction which she "forgot" to mention for a year. She waited to get you hooked before telling you. That is manipulative and unfair. You should have been in possession of all of the facts before committing to a relationship with her.
It's good that she is getting clean but it appears she does not want you to have a life away from her at all, hence the pretend migraines, etc. She has exchanged one addiction for another; her new addiction is YOU.
You need to ask yourself some soul-searching questions. Do you see a long-term future with this woman? Do you want to stay with someone who lies to you and manipulates you? What else has she lied about? Do you want to spend your life arguing because she cannot stand it that you can have a life which does not involve her every minute of the day?
I have a friend whose wife of 40+ years is like this and she has slowly but surely drained the life out of him. He lives for the times he can get away from her, even for an hour. Even then, she checks on him all the time to make sure he is where he said he would be. In my experience, situations like this become worse, not better.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (21 August 2021):
 Honestly? I'd break up if I were you. I've been in your situation and the guy made my life absolutely miserable. I couldn't handle it beyond a point. I've seen enough of him to know that such clingy people never change. He had far too many issues, was majorly insecure and it wasn't my job to save him or convince him night and day that I was there for him. If I was busy and couldn't talk to him, it was the end of the world. This one time I had a guest over at my place and I couldn't call him and it was the end of the world. If I went on a two day holiday with my family, it was the end of the f***ing world. It was best for my sanity that I ended things with him and it would be best for your sanity if you do the same.
What you have right now isn't a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): It sounds to me like you want to be single and/or sleep with other women. Sorry but you are not free or totally independent while you have committed yourself to another person. A relationship is a team effort. It is about WE, not about ME. Sounds like it's all about YOU OP.
You are going to need to compromise so that you are BOTH happy moving forward. Your girlfriend is also entitled to feel happy and good about herself by being with a decent guy who will never make her feel insecure, by perhaps, NOT wanting to go on vacation without her? Wtf? Maybe this relationship is more serious for her than for you. She is trying to pull you closer because SHE is IN LOVE with you but she sees you are wanting your freedom which makes her hold on tighter. You feel she is clingy and suffocates you (because she stands in the way of your independence) and you pull away. You both seem to be on a different page. She wants you close but you resist which tells me you aren't really committed to her the way a man should be committed to a woman. Stop blaming her and look at your own behavior OP. A good possibility here is that she knows you are wishy washy about her and tries harder and gets clingier for fear of losing you. It's simple psychology and it doesn't make her a bad person. I'm sure she isn't a bad person at all. In fact, I'm sure the next man who finds her won't think she's clingy because he won't be pushing her away, he won't be pushing too hard for his freedom and independence while professing his love and loyalty to her. He won't be taking g trips without her. He will be man enough to treat her right. And she will never have reason to be clingy again. I am sure she doubts your commitment to her and it seems you really aren't too into her. You don't appreciate her love and devotion to you. You just want your cake and eat it. A loving and loyal girlfriend at home while you go and do whatever you want. It just doesn't work that way. Relationships are about equality. Would you rather she goes on trips alone too? Has friends of her own? Does things without you? I would not go down that road. Why? Because living separate lives doesn't work in committed relationships. Too much separation drives people apart and other opportunities are always on the horizon. It sounds like you need to think long and hard about what you really want. Then let her go so that she can find a man who wants to not only INCLUDE her in his life but feels GOOD about himself when she is experiencing life by his side. Anything less would be unacceptable for most women. Men cannot have it both ways or all ways. Don't want a clingy girlfriend? Stay single and do whatever you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): Hi honeypie thanks for your advice, much appreciated.
I'm the OP.
So, she was invited to come along but declined. She has to go to a clinic once per week to get methodone for her old drug habits. So they monitor her, and make sure shes clean. This is another issue I'm dealing with as she forgot to mention this for the first year of dating which I told her I felt this was completely unfair to keep this from me.
I try to include her in everything, invite her places, try to make her reassured but I must admit I feel somewhat defeated at times. In the long run we can't even plan a nice vacation away because we have limits on how long she can be away.
I feel like she needs to make friends , not just rely on me when I work, she does not. I can only do so much from my side. Now that I write this and read this back, I'm having alot of thoughts about whether or not I should continue
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 August 2021):
This is what you need to tell her:
"I really dislike how she makes me feel for trying to live my life." I would also ask her what is really going on because you have noticed she is less independent than she used to be.
It's fair and honest.
I would ALSO tell her that you will not be texting or calling while on vacation (outside of a good morning and perhaps a goodnight text, maybe a few pictures, and one or two calls). YOU are going on vacation to relax and ENJOY yourself. NOT to entertain her from afar.
Now BEFORE you tell her, DO me a favor and look back at your own behavior. DID you use to call and text more than you have the last 6-12 months (ish - or from when she began to complain)?
What else has changed? Did she lose her job? Lost a family member?
Are you two in an LDR? (long-distance relationship) because IF you are - is there a plan for either of you to move closer to the other?
If it's not an LDR - how much time do you spend in person? (And has that changed the last 6-12 months)?
Who are you going on vacation with? Not your GF? You are in your 30's and not even vacationing together? Perhaps THAT is part of her clinginess?
(NOT that you can't go on vacation without someone you are dating, but she might feel like you are "running away from the relationship and her and thus she becomes clingy because she doesn't want to lose you).
Usually, you can pinpoint or work back towards the reasoning for someone having a big change.
"I have tried to reassure her that I love her but I can't always be with her, or on the phone with her."
Have you SHOWN her that you love her too? As in, IN PERSON?
Anyone can say pretty words :)
And I agree you CAN NOT always be with her or on the phone with her. That isn't realistic.
SHE can also text you and call you right?
Now if you work, I would set some boundaries. A morning text before work (she can text you too) and not call text unless you are on a break and HAVE the time. Then AFTER work, if you don't see her in person perhaps a call to see how her day was and tell her about yours. (again SHE can also call you). Do you HAVE to call every day when dating someone? No. I don't think so. But in general, most people like and enjoy talking to their partners. For you, it sounds like it has become a chore.
So WHY is it now a chore? Because all she does when you call is complain? Complain you don't call or text enough?
That would be a chore to have to listen to. Even if there is a kernel of truth to it, perhaps. The more SHE complains about YOU not calling/texting enough - the MORE you DON'T WANT to call or text.
"I am going away on a little vacation and shes acting out, saying shes sick, has a migraine, and so on."
If she says she is sick or has a migraine, she should go see her doctor. It sounds like she wants you to rush and take care of her. The thing is, you can't fix her migraine.
YOU need to tell her how it makes you feel. But you also need to examine if you have drastically reduced how much you are calling/texting compared to a year ago.
Personally, clingy people are a turn-off for most of us. But people have different needs. I DO NOT have a great need to talk to people on the phone or text. But your GF might have a bigger need than you. IF she is also younger than you, then yeah it IS part of that generation. Is she GLUED to her phone when you are together as well? Or are you?
If you think the relationship is otherwise good, TRY to set some boundaries and STICK to them. You can't maintain a relationship over phone/text long term.
YOU two need to talk. Or rather YOU need to express how it makes you feel. You let this FESTER for a whole year (hoping she would change I suppose?) That creates resentment. Not solutions. Bring things up. And understand that she isn't you. She might have different needs and wants. So finding a "golden compromise" is good, if possible. It shouldn't always be HER way or just YOUR way. You know?
Examine your own behavior then talk to her and see what she says.
If setting some boundaries doesn't work, then you have to reevaluate if this is working out for you at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2021): Either you stay with her or you don't you wont' change her or the way she behaves. Your choice.
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