A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We've been married 17 years. My husband had an on/off again affair with a married woman for 3 years. I found out about it. He told had already decided to break it off because it was hurting him. I was in shock at first, screamed, cried, wanted to kill myself. He swore he would no longer see or speak with her; promised he would tell me if she called him. He's willing to do whatever to save our marriage; seems really contrite about the whole thing. We've made love every day since I found out (although this never was an issue with us) and I'm afraid this might not be healthy. Why am I giving in? Shouldn't I create distance. I told him we should probably stop making love until I sort this out, but he always seems to convince me otherwise. I'm so afraid to trust him again, I constantly relive in my mind his relationship with the other woman. I'm afraid it might happen again some years down the line. I welcome your thoughts and advice. Thank you. I'm hurting so bad at this moment.
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female
reader, melanie0083 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 strawberry pops is right! plus, if the two of you make it through this, it will only make the ties between the both of you stronger!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): I’m rooting for your marriage too. When this happened to me, I was devastated .I lost loads of weight, cried most the time and still had to put on a happy face for the kids. We too had sex a lot and I also felt like you. Only you can decide how you want to mend your relationship that is if you want to mend it. Go with your gut on this. You know him best. A lot of marriages survive affairs. It’s up to you. It’s a long process and requires a lot of patience because there is no instant solution. Sometimes the whole house has to be broken down to fix the crack at the foundation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): Dear OP - although your hb NOW doesn't want his lover, please realise this.DO NOT have the mistaken belief that he is over his lover. he is not panicked and doesn't want to lose half of your assets to you in a divorce. your hb has THROWN HIS LOVER AWAY without a moments thought. speaks volumes of him! he used her for 3 years, had been having sex with her for 3 years, emotionally invested in her and now he throws her away like yesterdays garbage. imagine what he is capable of doing to you. realise this- this could have been YOU in her place. out in the street without a passing thought. just as HE discussed you with her, compared her to you, even perhaps told HER that she was better in bed than you, i am now certain he is complaining to YOU ABOUT HER. see how the situation has changed. for 3 years he used her, now it s your turn to be his comfort. he is now complaining about his lover to you. can you see how despicable he is. either woman will do. as long as it is a woman. i actually feel sorry for his mistress. she is the victim in this (you as well). the only person who has been unscath in all this is YOUR HB. well done to him. throw the lover away and hood wink the wife. the story of the married adulterer syndrome. seems like you are feeling sorry for your man, poor poor cheating hb. his mistress actually cared for him much more than he did. please remove the scales from your eyes and see your hb for the real manipulator he is. i said it before, you have a smooth operator in your bed- imagine him NOW claiming that he had no feeling for his over (his lover that he shared everything with her for over 3 years). despicable. your hb needs to be a MAN and admit HIS WRONGDOING. he conveneiently blames his lover and sadly you seem to be cutting him too much of slack! what did he promise his lover, that she reacted so violently against him. did he promise her that he will leave you for her. i am certain. the consequences of the affair is not over. he destroyed his lover and he does not give a shit. for the rest of your marriage you will be wondering when it will be your turn, thrown to the wolves. your hb knows that he has gotten away with murder. you now believe him and started feeling sorry for him. what an emotional abuser he is as well. as always the lover gets the boot. the wife thinks her cheating hb is now her hero. the wife thinks the lover is her enemy. WRONG. the enemy is closer home. he is in your bed. the story of the married man syndome is all the same. the cheating scum uses his lover, dumps her like garbage and the wife thinks she has triumped over the mistress. sadly this is so far from the truth. your hb has committed the perfect affair. he has scored all around. he is actually the cats whiskers, isn't he? he committed a crime, and got away scot free. i am sure he is congratulating himself on a job well done. dear OP, the smooth operator is now patting himself that he has you on his side. but please do not be a fool. he committed the perfect affair and has reaped the rewards. he was not made to account for his actions. the only victims in this sordid affair ARE YOU AND HIS LOVER. this is just so sad. so before you start investing in your marriage again, you need to ask yourself some hard questions (and please YOUR HB is the key to all questions and answers)- what did your hbs lover provide that you did not- how close was he in leaving you for her.- why did he choose her for over 3 years- lust he said?? how could he just lust after his lover, no emotions whatsoever for 3 YEARS. something is amiss- he is now comparing/complaiaing about his lover to his wife. the situation was different previously- he says it is over. what has he done to ensure that he won't HAVE ANOTHER AFFAIR.- he is now taking charge of the affair and putting his mistress in her place. he now reassures her hb that he is NOW not interested in this woman. WOW. what a man! - what has YOUR HB learnt from his 3 years long affair.- did he stay so that he doesn't have to share half of his finances with you in the event of a divorce.- where is his lust now. you say your sex life was good throughout his affair. but for 3 years you were not enough for him. now what?? how does he contain his lust. - marriage counselling. if you think that this is over you are sadly mistaken. yes your hb thinks he got the better of you and his lover and her hb, but he knows deep down just what role HE PLAYED in the affair. he may not admit it to you but believe me he knows exactly what happen bet his lover and himself, wha promises were made and more especially what PLANS they both made. i am not trying to be negative but merely trying to show you that this is not over YET. there will be more hearchache and pain bor both YOU an his lover. i actaully feel sorry for his lover, don't you?? yet again only the mistress is blamed and the married man geta away. AGAIN. you can only move forward if your hb comes clean with everything. his part and his actions in the affair. two women are hurting and two women have been devastated by his actions. please be more observant, remember he did this for 3 LONG YEARS, the likelihood that he will stray again is a high probability. trust issues - - watch him, observe him, do not give him the benefit of the doubt if you suspect him, investigate him ALL THE TIME. this is your only guarantee. you cannot trust anything he says from now on. look at how he treated his lover, this could have BEEN YOU. I wish you nothing but peace going forward. you will need it with a hb like that. (sorry, but this is my opinion)this is a long, long road to recovery. sex alone cannot clean the slate. sex should not be used to "pacify" you.This is so demeaning, isn't it, knowing that he purposelfully has been using sex to pacify you. i think you deserve better. DON'T YOU.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 We're all pulling for you.
Your husband seems to be working on being a better man for you, and I think you and he know that you're his number 1 top priority in life. I think, with a little more work together you and your husband will be very happy together.
The fact that you're starting to live and enjoy your life together again, sharing thoughts and talking in bed says a great deal more than anything else. Focus on that.
The hurt will eventually go away and your husband is trying his best to help you heal over this. In this respect you're so very fortunate because he wants you to be happy and has stepped up to the plate for you. Its much better this way than trying to heal all alone. He loves you and that's very important for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys. I've cried and hurt from reading all your answers. That you actually responded honestly to my question has touched me in a profound way. I need to say that we came face to face with the other woman and her husband. Her husband had already comfronted my husband about this before I had found out. The other woman blatantly asked my husband in front of her husband and me to pick one of us! My husband responded that he was staying with his wife and children. She became aggressive and swung at him. She seems to want more from the affair than my husband. This is really scary for me, although my husband has told me there was never any feeling other than lust on his part. He calls me every second of the day, and we talk every chance we get (over drinks, at HomeGoods, in bed, etc.) He says he may never know when I'll love him again but he's willing to wait and work on getting my love and trust back. He spoke with the woman's husband who called him and he assured him it was all over and promised he would never make contact with her again. This is reassuring for me, but I'm on a rollercoaster right now and the answers don't come easy . . .
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A
female
reader, teiliababy +, writes (10 September 2009):
 don't never give in i think the best thing and this is my opinion is to give it some time. that is something big and that needs to be thought about for a lil while. tell him that you love him but you feel like you just need some time to think about things, if he keeps making you give in that's just gonna put you in pain for a hole lot longer. if he loves you enough he will except the fact that you need some time alone for a lil while.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 September 2009):
 Distance can do wonders. I would also suggest that if YOU want to keep the marriage going that the two for you seek out couples counseling.
It is very devastating to be cheated on and no snap of the fingers will make it go away. There is a long road of hard work ahead of the two of you. Rebuilding trust and respect.
I think taking some time alone would be healthy for you. Give you time to think if the marriage is really want you want and time for him to realize just HOW much he hurt you and his family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): melanie, your agument is lost.
just to point out - he has been having an affair for 3 years (or maybe longer). for 36 months he has lied. for 36 months he has been having sex with another woman. for 36 months he invested his feelings, his life with the other woman. for 36 months he got from the other woman something he perceived he was not getting from his wife. for 36 months he deceived his wife. do you honestly think that he will just throw away his mistress now that his wife has caught him. BE REALISITIC
so the difference between 3 years ago and now is only one - before he was an adulterer now it seems that he is not.
he is not trying to change his ways. he is merely using sex as a weapon in his marriage in the belief that his wife will be so preoccupied with the sex that she will not make him account for his actions. by conducting himself in the manner that he is- shows he is selfish, he manipulates. he knows exactly what he has done and continues to do . he is a smooth operator.
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A
female
reader, melanie0083 +, writes (9 September 2009):
everyone changes as they go through life. When I got married, the one advice my dad gave me...the hardest thing in a marriage is to learn to adapt to your partner as the years go by. Because every year the both of you will change and you need to re-fall in love with that new person" Im pretty sure your husband was a different man 3 years ago than he is today? Just ask yourself, Are you the same person today as 5 years ago? He sounds like he is really trying to change his ways. So why wouldn't you help him through his illness?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): he has been having an affair for 3 years and suddenly only when YOU found out about this, he tells you that he decided to call it off. HOW CONVENIENT! for 3 years he has been having sex with another women, or 3 years he lied to you, he actually hoodwinked you. for 3 years he has led a double life and then, bang, he tells you he decides to break it off. takes a rocket scientist to figure this out, doesn't it??? not only did he lie to you, betray you for 3 years, he actually continues to do it now as well. and what do you do - YOU REWARD HIM. yes, you reward him, in fact seems like you are CONDONING HIS BEHAVIOUR. in fact seems like you take pleasure in his affair. WRONG. You have made it SO EASY for him. sorry to be rude but WTF. your now faithful hb convinces you that having SEX now cements your marriage???PLEASE take a step back and read what you have written. your hb is still manipulating you. what has he learnt, if anything. THE message you are sending out to him is this: "I am a fool, i am a poor, weak wife and i will do anything to keep you. it doesn't matter that you have been sleeping with someone. it doesn't matter you lied to me. all is forgiven." can you actually see what you have done. your behaviour and your "pretence" works in his behaviour. you have been a fool for 3 years why do you continue to act like one now that you know the truth. i don't know about you but wasn't marriage supposed to be only between 2. for your hb he has been sleeping with both YOU AND HIS MISTRESS. You do know that he has discussed you with the other woman, don't you. you do know that he has compared you to her? that he has preferred her for past the 3 YEARS to you. I am only trying to open your eyes to this situation. what remorse has your hb actually had. he is using SEX to keep your mouth shut. he is using sex to hoodwink you all over again. he is using sex to sweetly pressurise you so that he doesn't have to account for his betrayal. your hb s a piece of work. he conveniently uses sex to PACIFY YOU into a false sense of security.how can you trust him now. how can you allow him to touch YOU AFTER he has just been with HER. Please look at this affair REALISTICALLY. he has been with another woman for 3 years -KNOWINGLY AND DELIBERATELY. HE had NO intention of ending his affair. only when you caught him with his pants down did he conveniently say that he was going to end it anyway!! wow, how flippant can he get. you do not trust him because in your gut you know exactly what he is. in your gut you know that he will do t again. in your gut you know what a liar and betrayer he is. in your gut you know that he pacifies you by mere sex. so the question is, i have given you an eye opener into what he conveniently does so that you are under his spell again. he believes he has gotten away and that you are merely his fool of a wife. surely you can see his modus operandi. you hb is just so clever, just so conniving and just so slick. i know you do not want to throw away 17 years, but remember that 3 (perhaps more of them )have been a lie. surely this is not his first affair? jumping into bed is not the answer. he is still emotionally attached to the other woman. he invested 3 years in another woman. realistically do you expect him just to throw her away because you have now caught him. please think again. by keeping you occupied, it means that you do not question him. it means that he is working on you and covering his tracks. this time more carefully. this time more convincingly. please rethink your marital strategy and see your hb for the manipulator that he actually. i am sorry to be blunt but something has to be done. your hb is not to be trusted. and you know it already.
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A
female
reader, melanie0083 +, writes (9 September 2009):
you need time to heal and to re-gain trust for him. In that sense, he shouldn't over step his boundaries when it comes to time management to let you know where he is at all times. (i.e. "over time" at work, going out without you) At least until you feel comfortable again. But as far as intimacy, that my friend is healthy! Making love is a bond shared by two lovers and creates a connection between the two of you. You give in to him because it feels natural and you WANT to. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact, you two NEED intimacy to re-kindle yourselves. Go out on dates regularly and do things together that you both will enjoy. Surprise him a little and show him that your not "boring" and the two of you can still have fun! As far as you having "images" of him and another woman, if you continue thinking them, it will tear you apart inside and make it harder to move on. This is very unhealthy for yourself as well. I think something as dramatic as this you need to speak with a counselor regularly to get your feelings out. They maybe able to prescribe you meds that may assist you as you heal. (anti-depressants) the best of luck to you! and keep your hopes up, we all make mistakes and deserve another chance as long as he is sincerely sorry for his actions!
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
He is trying to build trust with you again, and build intimacy. He's working to repair your marriage and rebuild your relationship.
From what he's said, the affair hurt him deeply and he loves you very much. He regrets it very much.
The last thing you want to do is put distance between the two of you. You both need to rebuild the trust and intimacy that you once shared before the other woman entered your marriage.
He's contrite and has been honest with you. He's admitted something to you that he's ashamed of. And I know he's asking you to dig deep down and try and forgive him.
What might do well for both of you is to actually spend more time together. When you feel insecure, ask him to accept that and help you with it. You want your security back. He wants to do that for you, from what you're saying. And he wants you to feel secure by making love to you. Its his way of telling you that you're the ONLY one he wants.
You're probably thinking that he's crazy making love to you, and that it (the affair) will go away. But in my mind, he's thinking differently.
To him, she's gone. History. She means nothing. The fact that he's trying to make you feel secure and loved is a sign of remorse and dedication. In a way, he wants you to feel his love anyway he can give it to you, and making love seems to be the way he's communicating it.
I would have to say that he's trying and striving to make your marriage stronger, in his own quirky way. Turning him away or rejecting him is not what you want to do. You don't want to drive him away from you, you want him to adore you and be there for you and he wants so much to fulfill that obligation.
As far as sorting out your feelings, don't be afraid to do that. Ask him to help you do that. He wants to be there for you. Inasmuch as you're angry and confused, he's ashamed of what he did. He wants to help you despite everything. That means something and if you let him use the lesson he learned wisely rather than punish him anymore than he's punished himself, he will use his love to help you heal your pain. I don't think he wants you to suffer any more than necessary and he's trying to be there for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): I believe you are right, this is a really tough time with you some distance will really help. You need to figure out some key things whether you want to start this again, whether you could learn to trust him again and the reason why your husband would fool around with another women, unfortunately happily married men and women dont cheat. I hope everything goes the well :)
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