A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of just about 2 years broke up with me about a week ago. no matter what i do, i just can't seem to get over him. when he broke up with me, he said it was because he couldn't see himself with me in the future and because we have nothing in common anymore. he also said that he doesn't want me out of his life - he wants to remain very close friends, because of all the history we have together. he said it would be better for both of us if we remained friends. however, i don't know if he just said those things just to make me feel better, or if he really did mean that he wants to be friends. this is because a friend of mine that hung out with my ex the other day told my sister that i'm trying too hard to be his friend and that i need to cool it (i have talked to him once since the breakup, and that was because i needed help with my computer). my friend also said that they talked to my ex and that my ex said he doesn't really want to be good friends and he just said that because it's what you're supposed to say when you break up with somebody. what do you think? i really don't want him out of my life. he said he still loves me and cares for me more than anyone else in the world, but we're just not right for each other..do you think my friend misunderstood something my ex said? or do you think my ex really wants nothing to do with me?
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (9 September 2009):
Definitely go with what clariss advised. You're really not going to get over your boyfriend within a week or even two, it usually takes months. Just take it day-by-day. Of course you're going to have days where you miss him more than others, it's natural. One day you'll be just fine; then the next you want to down a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine, we've all been there.
Breakups suck, and from my experience when a guy breaks up with you but still wants you in his life, it's usually for selfish reasons. You're his backup plan for when he's feeling lonely or even when he's feeling horny...don't fall for any of that stuff. You can be friends with him once you're over him and have worked on yourself, and that is if you even want to be friends with him after that. Usually after that time, you could care less if you are friends or not.
So for now, don't worry about what he said to your friend. Your friend should mind her own business anyway, this breakup is between you and him, not a third party. Work on yourself and take in the healing process...a breakup always has a grieving period, you've lost someone in your life that was important to you--you're going to be sad, it's natural. So give him some space, don't contact him anymore. The less you see or hear of him, the easier it is to get over him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): First,you guys broke up just a week ago!!! After dating for two yrs! Of course you are not over him. You know, I'd suggest you to stop all contacts with him for at least 2 weeks now. That means no emergency phone calls or IMs or anything what so ever. The first month on the single circuit is the toughest ever. Don't think and DON'T TRY TO GET OVER HIM! Yes, that's right. Because every time you'll 'try' to get over him, you'll end up thinking about him...and if you carry on this way, then you'll be one of those weak women that hang on to a man's life just so he can use them (plenty of examples in the movies)! So, stay away! Cry your eyes out, gorge on ice-creams, gather your girlfriends around for support, watch weepy movies... the first week should be for total indulgence. (Sounds weak, but believe me, it helps). Now, the second week you detox your soul. That's right. throw out the memorabilia from all the times together, rip out the snaps, delete all the lovey-dovey msgs, emails, donate his sweats... get rid of everything that reminds you of him! Swear at him, if you want... this week you get your anger out! Let loose and be bad. The pent-up anger will help you get back on your feet and get you going! When you feel you can take on the world, get a new hairstyle. Explore yourself. (It is simple, but it always makes me feel great). Discover a new 'you'. Then go out and have fun. Dress up, hit a club with girls. Go on a night out and flirt unabashedly. Remember all those cute guys hanging around the bar? They are all your, now, honey, so bask in the attention! Have lots of fun. Enjoy being single. Then, when you are coming to grips with the reality, get back to your studies, concentrate on your work, indulge in your hobbies. Men come and go, and as long as you improve yourself, and grow, not only will you be more satisfied with life, but you'll be that irresistible! Also, it will be the prefect revenge on the guy, as now he will come to see what he left!!! (just a fringe benefit). So girl, quit mooning after him, and get back on your feet! Follow this 1 month plan, and then see how you feel about him. Right now, life seems to be impossible without the guy, right? You just wait, you'll start to remember all those annoying habits he had, and everything about him that you didn't like! Don't try to analyse this... Just let it go! And before you start to become friends with him, tell me, was your relationship one of comfortable friendship or was it a fiery one? Because, comfy relationships can transition into friendship, but passionate ones take a lot of time. Also, he said friendship, but does he put his money where his mouth is? Has he been there for you? Has he tried to drop casual email saying 'hi'? Does he try to avoid you, does he cringe in your presence? Is meeting him in public awkward for you both? Before you decide to believe his words, ask the above questions. A break-up is never easy, specially for men. They hate doing it! And, maybe the guilt did make him ask you to stay on as friends! The only way to establish the truth is by checking the way he behaves. If he delivers on your promises, then yeah, maybe he does want to be your friends. You called him once, right? Has he returned your calls??? And don't worry about what the friend says. If the friend is a 'she' then I can think of a million reasons why she doesn't want you around! So, girl, discover how fabulous you truly are!!! There will be no dearth of men lusting after you!!! (I personally feel that every break-up I've ever had has made me stronger, wiser and made me better at relationships. ALso, my next boyfriend always proved to be better than the previous one. And single life rocks, too!!!) SO, you go and shine, honey!!! Let me know if I have been of any help. Love
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 You're relying on the grapevine, telegraph and rumor mill.
If you want to know directly, ask him.
Perhaps he was trying to be kind, and still be there for you to help you through the pain you're suffering. I think he cares for you and he probably never wanted to see you suffer. And because of this he wants to be there to soften the blow, but he also wants you to move on as he does in his life.
I feel so bad for you because I know this is very painful to you. You both have an emotional investment in your relationship and some memories were made there too. That makes the breakup so hard to comprehend.
If you truly want this friendship to last, then you may want to forgive him and give him some space. Maybe, if he misses you enough, he might get back to you as a friend, or try and rekindle what you had, if its not too late.
But he's telling you not to wait for him.
The other thing is you should never rely on other people to relate messages for him and for you. Direct communications is the only way for you to know what he really said.
Right now, if you have other people in your life who love you and care for you, like parents or siblings, try and turn to them for some emotional support and some love. If you're lucky, the breakup won't hurt so bad in the end.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 I think your friend could have used more tact and avoided sharing this conversation with you.You could always ask her in the future, not to share anything with you that may hurt you. In the meantime, try your best to move on. Some tips I have employed with success in the past include surrounding myself with my closest friends, reading really great books and focusing my thoughts on what is good about being single.There is a certain amount of time where you will feel sad “no matter what you do”. A week after the break up is not that long. Try not to indulge the sadness by second-guessing things and thinking about him. Apply forgiveness to yourself and be gentle with yourself in your thoughts and actions. It is hard enough to hear someone you love doesn’t feel the same way anymore. There is no need to torture yourself with what you hear from people second-hand and may or may not be accurate.A friendship while you are healing, whether he wants one or not, is not in your best interests.Good luck!
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