A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi there, ok my question is more of a long story that i need advice on my husband has this thing where i cant do anything right he will give me a list of things he wants done before he gets home and i will do my best to finish them but he never belives that i have done anything even if there is a noticable differance. we argue all the time he never tells me he loves me anymore. and he wont have intercourse with me at all. hes always moody and if i even walk up and kiss him on the cheek he looks at me and his exact words are "will you stop!" i dont know what to do we have too kids and he has these outbursts of rage where he will throw things and scream and they can be over something like me not agreeing with him i am confussed because of this behavoir. he has never ment to hit me but sometimes when he loses his anger he will throw things at me and hit me. what shouls i do? oh and as a side note he doesnt beleive he needs help with anger or anything else.
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (28 July 2009):
I am so glad to hear you are leaving it will be tough but you will see that you and your kids will be better off thank god for your sister it makes no sense honey to live unhappy and scared when you don't have too. Best Wishes
A
male
reader, Sensexual  +, writes (24 July 2009):
Hey love!!!,since you are still young and fresh in other to fall for abusive relationship,i dont know how long but thnks for seing that,its not late to change,or finding mr ryt,findng a person who will realy know what love is,and who will care for you.my advice is THE ARE MANY FISHES ON THJE SEA.its tym to change those scras into stars
...............................
A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (21 July 2009):
Is your husband around at the moment? I know it's probably impossible to pick up and leave this second, but the longer your husband has to know about what's happening, the more of chance there is of him confronting you or refusing to let you take away his kids. Maybe tell him you are going on vacation for a couple days with them.... But whenever you leave, you are doing the right thing. I also just wanted to add to the comment you'd never want him to go to jail. Maybe that's what he needs..... I once knew a woman whose husband would throw things at her and sometime even directly hit her whenever they got into an argument. Despite being given honest and helpful advice she didn't do anything. After 10 years of this, she finally had enough and the next time it happened, she called the police. He spent the night in jail and had to appear in court some time later. They still have heated arguments, but he NEVER laid a hand on her again.I wish you nothing but the best!
...............................
A
female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (21 July 2009):
Hi there,
Do you think you deserve to be treated this way? Do you feel you make him react this way? Do you feel loved by him? what is your definition of love and respect? How do you show how you love and respect someone? Would you behave this way to your children? You don't have to answer these questions but might you might like to ponder upon them yourself privately.
I suggest that you take some time and make a list of the things you like about him and the things you dislike about him. Then grade each line out of 5 calculating how much he does these things or is that Man today. This is to compare how much love and respect you receive versus how much you don't. This will be an accurate picture of what you are dealing with as I imagine your confusion is making it hard for you to have a clear perspective.
Be careful not to put down what you liked about him and how he treated you when you first met because I would hardly think he is the same Man.
Next I would think about what you would need to feel loved and respected and question yourself as to why you feel you are undeserving of that love.
The truth is, you are deserving of true loving and respect both from yourself and your Man.
Are you loving yourself by allowing him to do this to you?
You can't change him and need to accept who he is. He will never be who he was when you first met, that is long gone and was just a facade to manipulate you into thinking he is a worthy catch.
If you come to the realisation whether it be now or sometime in the future that you DESERVE better, get yourself a plan together. Gather some friends and family for support, start putting money away, gather important documentation and an overnight bag and have this ready.
This is domestic violence both physical and emotional. No amount of loving, understanding or compassion will ever change him. He is a very weak and insecure Man and needs to control you to feel masculine. why, it is a male privledge to do this to your wife I would assume is his thinking.
Become familar with your local domestic violence centre, they often have telephone counselling where you can get support.
Be very aware, this Man could seriously harm you and if you decide to leave, this will be the most likely time that he will exert his control and could kill you.
Do you really want your children living in an environment such as this?
As much as he denies he doesn't need help with anger or anything else, make sure you are not matching his denial by believing that you make him this way and that you can support, understand and love him more to make him be any other way.
I assume you still love him, but be real with yourself, are you in love with the illusion of who you thought he was when you met him.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, I have set up to leave here very soon with a sister of mine. We will be taking my childern with me to and going out of state for a while. I do beleive you are right but i feel so trapt and hopfuly I can get a devorice ready when I get where I am going. Once again thankyou for your help my sister is not going to give me a choice and I have a week to get the kids myself and all our stuff ready.
...............................
A
male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (21 July 2009):
What everyone else said....
I've heard and seen your story before. If it was just you, you would have to assess the situation for yourself. With kids, they are the priority and do you think it's a good environment your husband is providing? He may not touch them or even yell at them. But if he is "abusing" you in front of them, it's just as bad.
He may only throw things at you....but with time it will only get worse, especially if you don't do anything about it.
Best of luck!!
...............................
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 You need to listen to these aunts and LEAVE this man. Do not pass GO, and do not collect your $200. This man is dangerous, and you are not safe with him. Furthermore, your children are not safe. All of you deserve to be in a place where you are safe, and what this man is doing is ABUSE.
This man needs to be in jail, where he can't hurt anyone. You and your children deserve a safe environment. You're responsible for their safety, and if he winds up in jail... he chose to abuse you.
...............................
A
female
reader, busy04 +, writes (21 July 2009):
 To the lady who wrote this post...whether he hit you with his hands or with an item...it is still ABUSE, and hitting you his hands WILL become the next thing when he tire if throwing things. You can't cover up what you see happening in your home and if it wasn't an issue you would not have mentioned it. Please take the advice of all the women and men who have responded to you...get your kids and go. Your husband has an issue, you can't change his issues for him and to give you "a list of things he wants done" is absolute CONTROL! He has no respect for you by telling you that you do nothing right. Please leave before this situation worsens and you reach the point of being beyond help.
...............................
A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (21 July 2009):
Listen, he's never broken a bone, or knocked you out... wait until that happens so that he can see that he has an anger problem....OH WAIT, are you NUTS! Get the hell out of there... you're dying one day at a time in that environment. If you don't do this for you, PLEASE do this for your kids. If you have a little girl, she's learning that this is how men treat women, if a little boy, this is how boys treat girls... either way you and he are messing these kids up! GET OUT, he's got to see that he has a serious problem, it will get worse if he can't see it - and you'll get more and more broken as will the kids!
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 You are a mother now.
You have to protect your kids, and they need their mother, so you, as an adult female woman, have to act on this and remove yourself and them from this situation.
It's not a situation that needs discussion, you need to act. Get yourself and your children away from this man.
You can always get counseling help for the two of you once your kids, and you, are safe.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): So to protect his freedom, you will allow him to abuse you. That is why so many people in this world can commit a crime and get away with it. It is because you are emotionally obligated to set him free regardless of his own actions towards you.
If you make excuses and justifications for him, then you will continue to be in this dire situation. There is no further advice anyone can give you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for the info on the site but that is the type of help to get him thrown in jail and i would never forgive myself for that. to correct something he never hits me with his hands just the items he is throwing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2009): This reminds me of a time when I was going back to my office, when a little boy right outside the building screamed and yelled and threw a tantrum, because the nanny could not provide immediate dessert. The boy started hitting the nanny and even pulled her hair. He seemed no more than 4 or 5 years of age. It was quite incredible, as I watched a luxurious Mercedes pull up to pick them up because the boy forbade her to get into the car, while ordering the driver to drive away.
I looked at the 'beaten' nanny and said, "Quite the temper eh? Is this really worth it?"
She looked at me tiredly and did not respond.
-----
"What should I do?"
If you stay, he will eventually make your life feel worthless, if he hasn't already. He will then be able to control you completely. You will be his property. You cannot say no. You can only submit and nod to his approval.
-----
"What should I do?"
You can continue to allow him to chain you up. You can also allow him to beat you too. You can allow him to own you. You can allow him to use it as one of the things he owns in his house.
-----
"What should I do?"
You can allow him to hit you, even though he 'didn't' mean to, because it is 'your' fault right? It is only your fault. He is the only right person, right?
-----
"What should I do?"
You can allow him to take over the happiness of your life, making you feel that only he can make you happy, that the world outside is full of angry rapists and murderers, that only he can give you safety right?
-----
"What should I do?"
What should you do?
I do not want to express irritation, but isn't it quite obvious?
...............................
A
female
reader, Felisha Marie +, writes (21 July 2009):
 Leave. I know it's hard because you think he 'loves' you, but honey, you have your whole life ahead of you. Are you really going to settle with this controlling, violent man? He evidently has no intentions of changing, you dont need that, you sound liek a nice girl, Im sure you will have no problems starting over. As for that dill-hole husband of yours, he will have to watch a wonderful lady walk out of his life...and angry or not he'll have to deal with it. And this relationship is not healthy for not only you, but your children as well. They dont need to be around that becaue they are taking in that behavior, and thats what he's raisng them to be. So again, Leave.
...............................
A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (21 July 2009):
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/assess.html
Check out this website.
...............................
|
