A
female
age
41-50,
*elika
writes:I need advise on somthing that is tearing me apart.I have been happily married for 8 years and my husband and i have a great life together. I will get to the point, he has been using Facebook for the past couple of months and comes home and tells me how great it is, last week he said an old (male) college friend had contacted him and they were going out for a drink, i had no problem with this and didnt ask many questions (why would i).A few days ago i thought i will have a look at Facebook as he always raves about it, my husband had set up his account on my computer so when i typed in Facebook it brought me straight onto his account where i saw his details.I thought i would look through his account first and see if it was easy to use, it didnt even enter my head that i shouldnt be looking at his account as i didnt expect to find anything of great interest.Then i saw the picture of his ex girlfriend and i was ovbiously drawn in, as it turns out he had contacted her saying i think we used to date in college. Her reply had been deleated, but he had sent her another message saying: "yes we did have fun didnt we, please keep in touch d xxx"I was mortified when i saw this, then to add insult to injury they had arranged to meet up for a drink (with a couple of other friends) this he had not mentioned to me. from the looks of it, they had been sending each other messages for a couple of weeks, and all of her replies had been deleted.When he came home that night i didnt scream or shout, i told him what i had found and how upset i was.His face turned white and he looked really upset, instantly he said he had done wrong, there was never any intention of starting anything with her but the flattery got the better of him. I asked him to leave the house so i could have a few days on my own, my family and friends are all saying i should just try to get over it, he has just been silly but things have been really hard for me of late especially findind out i cant have children and having to have a hystorectomy at 29yrs old.We have always had somthing special between us and i feel that has now been broken, i will always feel guilty for not being able to have children and now this episode with Facebook has just made me feel like i should be on my own as i cannot risk getting hurt again. he has promised to make this up to me for the rest of his life and i know he is truly devestated by his actions, however i cannot continue to keep getting hurt and i have no idea of how to put this behind me as everytime i look at him, i see what he has done to me. My parents have recently gotton divorced after my dad had an affair and that broke our family apart and i feel i will always wonder and be waiting for my husband to do the same. Please help as i feel so sick and hurt by all of this.Melika
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affair, divorce, ex girlfriend, facebook, his ex, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tamii  +, writes (13 February 2009):
Hi,
i am very sorry for your ordeal, it is exactly what i went through .. i think mine is worse!
i was married for 4 years, it was only recently i discovered that my husband was keeping in touch with his ex and it seems it started right after our honeymoon. he had known her for almost 4 years while working in thailand. i have known him for 2 years. the lady seems to keep off. it is my husband who is chasing her. more than once i have seen missed calls made abroad, him searching for her through linkedin ( i always tell because i am also on linkedin) i then confronted him days later after gathering my evidence... he was so mad! he said their friends and she is someone he was in a relationship with before he met me. he cannot just hate her... i then told him to cut contact.... he did for a while and then it all started again this time worse, he travelled more than twice to thailand( and i suspect he was intimate with her) when he was travelling he didnt mention thailand he just said he was going on a business trip to germany ) i later followed up his travelling details and discovered this horrible news.
that was really enough for me , i filled for divorce soon after and moved towns , i just thank God i left just on time. i am now 34 and ready to start my life again. i am single and very happy with my life.
once a cheat always a cheat.
A
female
reader, deep in thought.. +, writes (24 May 2008):
Hi there,
I really feel for you and know what you are going through, my partner has always used the internet to boost his ego in one way or another, and a few weeks ago I read some messages he had also sent/recieved from 'old friends' on Facebook. Unfortunately, his were slightly more graphic then the ones you saw, and I too waited until I saw how far it was going, then approached him with the evidence. Men have a habit of going white when they know their game is up, and he said it was all bravado and had no itention of ever doing/meeting up with these girls.
As this as been an issue for a while with my partner and I, I asked him to leave, and he begged for help FINALLY admitting that he had an unhealthy obsession with boosting his ego, had he not asked for help and admitted he had a problem, he would have been thrown out.
I arranged for him to go see a specialist consellor, and it is all really riding on how that goes. It will take more than a few sessions for me to ever trust him again, but even if he realises how distructive his behaviour is to himself, and it doesnt work out with us, something good will have come out of it.
I wish you the best of luck, Facebook is a great tool for finding old friends etc as long as thats all it is used for!
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A
female
reader, Melika +, writes (29 January 2008):
Melika is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your responses, I know it will take a very long time to heal over all of this, and we have started to talk about things.I hope that in a few days/weeks or however long things will become easier.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Hi,
It sounds like you have had a lot of personal crisis' going on in your life, one on top of the other.
I think that intent is everything. I have a facebook account and have been in touch with old friends from high school, guys and girls and my letters are all there - none of them erased. The moment that he started erasing her letters, he was complicit in this little mini-emotional-affair. He did also lie about where he was going.
I would INSIST he go with you to counseling in order to get past all of this. There are issues that you haven't discussed with each other that have lead to all of this.
He is going to have to earn back your trust after all of this. He should be very willing to go along with all of the things that you request that you feel will make you trust him again. If you ask to see his computer or insist that he be available 24/7 by cell phone in order to let you start trusting him again. He should be telling you where he is going and what time he is coming home. He should be willing to do this for you after lying about his flirtations, planning things behind your back and hiding his whereabouts. I wouldn't just say "Oh Well" and throw up you hands, I'd be pro-active and do something about it. HE should want to earn back your trust as an act of contrition, as a heartfelt apology for what he has put you through, as an admission that he was wrong. One "I'm Sorry" in not enough - that is another place where counseling will come in very helpful. I just think that brushing it under the rug or letting it go easily could start up a very bad pattern that makes all of this seem acceptable within your relationship.
You have EVERY right to be furious with him. In the future, tell him what boundaries you draw for yourself about old flames and other men, and how you expect HIM to have personal boundaries with anyone who flirts with him as well. He should no when to draw the line and how disrespectful it is to you and your marriage.
Don't worry - if you work at this, you'll get through it and your marriage will be much stronger. Sorry that you are going through all of this, hope that your family is being supportive while you are. Best of luck with everything. I found a book on men that is helpful - Gail Sheehy - Understanding Men's Passages - Discovering the New Map Of Men's Lives - Just a thought incase it could be a mid-life crisis that he is going through.
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A
female
reader, Serinity  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 I hear so often (and have been through it myself) how a spouse (no offense to anyone, but mostly men) are only truly sorry for something they've done when they get caught. Sure he's deeply sorry and devestated, because he got caught! Do you think he was feeling sympathetic when he did it? Do you think he considered the damage and pain it might cause you later? And it's not like he only e-mailed her once to say "hey what's up, remember me, etc." He went as far as going out and having drinks with her without telling you, and you probably would have never known if you hadn't found out on your own. The trust barrier has been broken and he is really going to work on mending it if the relationship continues. But you need to decide if you can forgive him and move past this. I know it's got to be hard especially considering the unfortunate news about not being able to have children, and don't blame yourself for that. There is a reason for everything even though it may not seem like it at the moment. You can always adopt, and I know it's not the same thing, but there are options. Be strong and make your point if you are going to forive him. God bless you!
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (28 January 2008):
 I have been there too. It hurts, and it is hard to trust him afterwards.
Sometimes men do unreasonable things without thinking of the consequences.
I know how it was when I found an old friend on the internet, I was wxcited! But, it was a female friend. I guess an "ex" is a different story.
If it were me in your shoes, I would tell him that he needs to immediately stop having contact with her. If he wants your marriage to survive, (I am traditional) that there is NO such thing as female friends on the side.
I feel that he needs to decide who is more important. You are his mate and best friend. There should be NO competition in his decision.
Have you considered asking him to go to a Marriage Counselor with you?
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Hi Melika...
There are two, very separate issues here, that you are kinda mixing up (difficult not to). Not being able to have children is not your fault and you should not beat yourself over it. There are other alternatives the two of you can consider as adopting (there are a lot of very special children who need homes) or having a surrogate mother for your child. This is something you can deal with in the long run. Remember you both agreed for better or worse when you got married, and it turned out bad in that department but I think you will be able to get trough it.
The second issue, I think, has to do more with trust in your relationship. But, honey, we ALL make mistakes! He is a human being, and it seems you had a very good relationship before all of this. To start... he told you about Facebook! Even more, for the account to open without a password means he had to click a button stating the account could remain open in your computer. He was not planning on doing anything wrong! Otherwise, he would not have clicked that button thus you would not be able to go into the account.
The Internet and its new applications bring an opportunity for everyone to connect to other people. Facebook lets you contact people from the past and that has a strange feeling to it. It makes you remember old times with old friends and you could wonder the what ifs of the situations. However, this is a very human process and I don't think there was any harm intended. She might have made him feel sexy or young, both very important to everyone. The trick is to stop that before it draws him in and he forgets what a great present and future he has with you. Sit down with him and talk about how he felt, why he though he could not come to you and be honest. See how far it got and if he feels something is lacking in your relationship. Use this opportunity to grow as a couple. If you need to, go to therapy. He has not cheated on you, he is not your father, he did not leave... he made a mistake. He should have trust you enough to tell you and if he though it was wrong he should have walked out before... but, thats all... a mistake.
Wish you the very best!
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