A
female
age
30-35,
*oving_wife91
writes:Please Help me!! I feel unloved and alone in my marriage....let me start with some backround....please read everything and help me..i dont know what to do....ok.....well let me start by saying im 19, but married last year to a forign 14-15 year older man....i had a really bad childhood and i already felt unloved so when i meet him he was WONDERFUL!!! everything was great for the 1st year, but for the last few months...hes mean,unloving,yells and our sex life is pretty much done with...we make love not even 1-3 times a month and he looks like he doesnt even enjoy it!...now that i said that i would like to give you some examples....1. on our honeymoon i cryed for 6 hours non-stop..because his parents came with us (he hasnt seen them in 9 years) and they offered me a fruit, but i didnt want it because i wasnt that hungery and i would be eating dinner soon...when we got back to the hotel...it was on! he yelled and yelled and yelled...i feel like crap...was that my fault? should i have took it to be polite??.2.valentines day...i went out of my way to make this day great! i planned for weeks...i asked him if he wanted to plan dinner or dessert...he said dinner, well i thought we would try to make this nice since our honeymoon was awful! but he didnt even make a reservation and we ate at kfc...it was ok though i wanted to have a nice night, i asked him if i could go home to change into something nice..but he wouldent even take me...then i got home and set up the table which took weeks of planning....he wanted to eat in the bedroom...i said ok, then when i tryed to make love to him...he fell asleep!!!!....those are just a few examples....i could think of many more but you guys would be here all night....i dont know what to do...i love him...i only have him..im not close with family and i have no friends...i really really love him....hes not mean all the time...but has been for the last few months...am i a bad wife? should i ignore it???? please, i cant talk to anyone about this....i really do love him...but i feel alone, im scared to talk to him about this because if i do he yells at me...i feel unloved and ugly..i want to change everything about myself so he will love me...im crying and typeing this...i spoke with him last night and he said he said sorry....but he already said that...im 19 years old! i cant deal with this.....but divorce is NOT A CHOICE....hes the only person i have...without him i cant live.....how can i make him happy???? thank you
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Oh sweetie..my heart cries for you. I can feel your pain. You are very young dearling, and with him being quite a bit older, that could easily intimidate you...BUT..you're an American woman (I'm assuming?)..and we are tough. I totally understand about being with someone from a different culture (dated an Asian man for 8 years)..and trust me, they do tend to think differently than we do, and that can be part of your problem right there.
Ok, first of all..you need to stand up for yourself. I know that sometimes in other cultures, men treat their wives really badly, but like I said, you're an american. Don't take CRAP! I don't mean you have to fight, but listen, you need to talk to him, tell him that maybe you don't see eye to eye, and you need to express yourself, your feelings. Being married is never easy, it takes work. Do NOT let him mistreat you. I mean that!
Why is he yelling at you? Why is being so unkind and rude? You need to figure out why, and if you don't like the answer..you don't have to stay married to him. You say divorce is not a choice..but sometimes its the only choice. You shouldn't feel the way you are. Perhaps he is stressed, maybe he's just not romantic, I'm not sure. But try to talk to him. You can always try marriage counselling too.
Now you need to get ahold of yourself, get some backbone, and be strong, and be brave. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. He didn't marry you for a green card I'm hoping right? I'm assuming he loved you and wanted to marry you..so the love is there..you just need to find it.
Please be strong. We aunts are here for you. You hang in there. Here's a big *HUG*. You take care.
A
female
reader, Sara456 +, writes (16 June 2010):
Anyone can start over, and you are only 19! Why do you think you do not have a choice? Have you discussed your feelings with him, or asked him why he's been so mean?
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Bullshit.. Divorce is always a choice, this is not the 18th century, you are not a slave. You don't need his permission to divorce. If you seperate for 3years (I think under USA law) you can get a divorce automatically. You can also put in a divorce claim for unreasonable behaviour.
One question.. what cultral background does he have, what cultural background do you have.. He sounds like a man from a very traditional family.. it might shed light on why he behaves like this and what he believes marriage is supposed to be like.
Also, have you actually tried to discuss with him how unhappy you are. Did you tell him you felt disappointed about how little effort he spent on valentines day. Do you ever raise your voice and tell him your not happy with this marriage?
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