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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm a 21 year old girl, and I HATE porn. I really, downright hate it. I think that, because of it, I may be doomed to stay single forever.I had a boyfriend until recently. He watched porn, but I just had to deal with it and it killed me inside. He knew I disliked it, but he was like "Well, if you dislike it so much, then you know where the door is". We broke up for unrelated reasons, though.anyway, the thing is I utterly hate that crap and that's just me. I tried so hard accepting it, but never fully could. I just stayed silent about it. I said nothing even though I felt like crap.I once asked him if he thought porn stars had better bodies than me and he said that yes, because they have to. I never said a word again after that. But now every time I look in the mirror I hate myself. I have small breasts, and cellulite in my thighs. I also don't have as much hair as they do (low density hair in my genes). I feel so ugly.Am I doomed to be alone? Is it true that the only guys who don't watch porn are religious freaks and such?Am I stupid for hating it so much? I honestly can't accept it, I suffered a lot (silently, though, I never asked him to stop nor did I intend him to) in that relationship and even though I tried watching it, even the soft core erotica for women, I just can't. I hate it, and no one will make me think otherwise.What are my options? Become a nun?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2010): Oh my god. I know how you feel. I truly do. I had problems with the porn, it made me feel terrible, and rightly so. What women is going to feel secure when her man is whacking off to plastic 'perfect babes'I tried to do that you did, just say nothing and accept it. I thought, for sure I'd have to get over it, that's just what guys do?Justifying it doesn't really help, so don't get hung up on all that "Every guy does it." "At least he isn't cheating."As for your body issues, you have small breasts? So do a lot of women. Don't listen to anything or anybody that tells you that they prevent you from being sexy. Sure theres guys that prefer bigger breasts, but theres also guys who prefer smaller breasts. If any guy doesn't want you because of that, you're better off without him. And Cellulite? Most girls have it, and most girls are going to get it. Are you doomed to be alone? No. And not all guys who don't watch porn are religious freaks. You aren't stupid for feeling this way? No, Everything you feel is okay. What are your options? Well, obviously accepting it is out of the question. So, your options are to either find a guy who doesn't like it. Or find a guy, who has enough love and respect for you to stop watching it. Don't waste your time on a man who doesn't even have the willpower to quit looking at pictures of naked women on a screen. I never got that. Shouldn't your significant other be more important than just getting your jollies?Though, judging from what I've seen a lot guys just brush off this issue, because apperently degrading your women's self esteem, and self worth, is totally worth it just for a few pictures. PATHETIC. I hate to tell you though, it's probably going to be a long and hard search to find a guy like this. Don't give up though, if this is what you want. GO FIND HIM. Chances are he's out there, and he's going to love your body, mind, and soul.
A
male
reader, twinlab99  +, writes (19 June 2010):
 Uhhhmmm to all those women who think men don't watch it, or "their" man doens't watch it...........haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! You're man watches it, your father watches it, your boss watches it! Just look at Alexa's website traffic. These sites are more popular than schools, banks, news sites, etc!
Every man watches porn! Theyd do it becaue of the fantasy of porn, they want you (their wife / girlriend) to do that to them! Watch it and learn, and do that to your man, if you don't want him to watch porn....or better yet....watch it with him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2010): My boyfriend hates porn. He felt silly the few times he tried it and couldnt come.
No he's not gay he is perfectly hot for me.
Ive had a couple of other boyfriends who don't use porn. The key is to look at who you select to date. Dont go for the big jack the lad type. Quieter men who are romantic and loving are more likly to not need it.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Your last line says; What are my options? become a man so yeah you infered that
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): olderthandirt:
O...K?
I never said I wanted to become a man :/
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (16 June 2010):
No you DO NOT want to become a man(I are one) then you will be compelled to watch porn and ypu'll hate yourself instead of just hating men and what they like. I'm sure there are some men who don't like porn; just keep looking, when you find one try to not have sex9I'm sure he'll understand) 'cause sex is like porn except not on film. I wish youluck but I think you're in for a rude awakening. Check out the local mosque to find a guy that hates porn but also hates women(he may beat you from time to time but at least he won't make you think about the human body.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Well, no, not all men watch it, but most do. The thing is, most of these men are also mature enough to treat porn is nothing more than a distraction.
The ultimate turn on for them is still the body (natural, if imperfect), of their significant other. You got unlucky with the guy you describe, I guess. But don't give up hope. You may not find another man who hates porn, but you will surely find one who can seperate porn from real life.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 The reason I ask, is because these magazines also try to reinforce some kind of "ideal woman", and as far as I'm concerned they posion to the mind. Women in pornography often have plastic surgery to make their tits, ass and everything else appealing to men.. but so do the women on TV, the movies and in the magazines..
The visual media, in all it's guises, and that includes pornography try to sell us an image of womanhood which is unachieveable and only of one type...
To tell the truth, pornography is a very big industry, there are all types of porn, including pornography that portrays "normal" women, who may be old, grey, fat, underweight, and just average like me, you and everyone else.
In cetain ways, pornography shows more variation of womankind than the normal, mainstream media does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Miamine:
Not really although it's a bit hard to ignore when they're on TV but generally I have no interest in celebrity gossip.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 June 2010):
Do you look at fashion magazines, women's magazines? Do you follow the lives and interests of the female movie/tv stars? Are you interested in celebity gossip?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): In reply to strontium:
Before I met him I didn't really think much of it, I was only 17 and never had a boyfriend before so I knew little about it. It never really appealed to me, though. I've always been an insecure girl (I'll be the first one to admit it's my bad) and thus I avoid everything that makes me feel bad about myself, which includes porn... and more so than porn, men magazines, like Playboy and such, in which the focus is actually on the women's bodies. But porn stars seem to make guys go wild. Don't get me wrong, my ex really enjoyed sex with me, I was a freak in bed. But it only takes a porn star to rub her breasts and lick her lips to give a guy a boner. Whereas I, in my experience, need to kiss a guy passionately, on his neck maybe, and be more direct than simply giving him visual stimulation.
I don't really have a moral view against it. These people work in that industry because they want to. Nobody really forces them, and I understand that many actually enjoy it. I just hate porn because of the "ideals" it portrays and it's kind of sad seeing that these "ideals" don't include my body type. I simply feel utterly horrible and disgusting when I see these women, who have this allure on men. And with his comment, it only made it worse. I regret having asked him, now I understand why they say if you don't want to know, then don't ask.
Well and regarding erotica... women there are gorgeous too, unrealistic, etc. And it wasn't even arousing for me. I guess I'm not all too visual. Never have been. Not sexually and not for other things (you know, learning styles and all).
I know part of it is just because I'm too damn insecure. And I wouldn't want a guy who watches porn for two things: one, because I hate it, and he'd probably know, and two, because I wouldn't want him to stop doing something that he's been doing from before he met me and that is harmless in his eyes. It would probably make him feel guilty, though, watching it knowing how I feel. I know that if a guy I was dating hated something I enjoyed, I'd feel guilty that my enjoyment makes him feel bad. I wouldn't like to have to put a guy through that. But I simply can't seem to overcome my hatred for porn.
Thanks to everyone, anyway. You all give much food for though. Especially regarding the meaninglessness of porn. The fact that it quickly becomes boring, etc., is really reassuring.
Thank you all :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Most of us do but there are different levels. I watch it once a day for the 2-3 mins it takes for me to get off.
I'm lucky in that I have videos of my girlfriend to watch so I don't need nor want to deviate from those.
Some guys love porn and can watch it for hours, I was never one of those, it's boring once it's served its pupose.
Regular porn I mean, I put my girlfriends ones on just to cheer me up sometimes when she's not around.
There are guys that, like your ex become obssessed and stupid about it, it becomes meaningful to them and they compare women to porn stars. For most of us it's a masturbation aid, the exact same as a vibrator is to woman. It's tool with no emotional attachment.
You were just unlucky enough to meet one of the sleazier guys that actually gives porn some kind of significance in his life.
I'll tell you a little secret you mgith not know. Even guys who don't watch porn, will masturbate and it's not always their girlfriend they are imagining, it could be a co worker, a girl they saw on the street, jessica alba.
Women that have a problem with porn just don't get that when guys masturbate we need variety and this is true of pretty much every guy, if you demand your boyfriend stop watching porn then he'll just masturbate to the thought of your cute cousin or your sister or that girl he fancies from work.
It's better to just let him watch a woman he'll never meet who he doesn't even have the hots for, get laid by some guy with a ponytail.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 June 2010):
 "I once asked him if he thought porn stars had better bodies than me and he said that yes, because they have to."
Wow good thing you got out of there. That is an awful thing to say to someone. He clearly had issues in that he seemed to prefer porn to a person. Only a person who really has their head on wrong would say something like that, especially since he knew you had problems with porn.
Yes, men who don't watch porn exist. Somewhere around 20-30% don't watch and no they aren't all religious, eunuchs, or blind. Actually there are almost as many if not more people who have admitted having "problems" with porn in the church including priests. Anyways, no you absolutely don't have to put up with porn in your life. It seems like there's a battle with this going on in the world and hopefully the result is that more men are willing to care about their girlfriend's feelings.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 June 2010):
 The thing that stuck out to me that you've been saying is that you feel that they have better bodies than you, and that you didn't say this, but it sounded like your boyfriend chose the porn over you (hence, the "if you don't like it, there's the door" comment).
Let me reassure you of something. What the guys see is NOT what really happens. Never compare yourself to a porn star, because you'll win over them every time. The porn industry is a quagmire of drugs, abuse, abortions, even in some cases, human trafficking.
Most of the women mutilate themselves with plastic surgery, genital piercings, implants, and such. They have to subject themselves to multiple gangbanging, rough sex, getting sprayed on by multiple men's organs, and they're paid to moan and writhe on cue while men use them again and again.
These women also have to devote their time to physical appearance, which includes waxing, men groping on them without any such claim to boundaries. They have to use fake names and have fake orgasms. They have to put foreign objects into their privates.
Then, after too few years, they are mutilated, used up, strung out on drugs, many with STD's, chased by obsessed stalkers, and the list goes on.
Comparing yourself to a porn star is no match. You far eclipse anything they have to offer. You have a future, a personality, a REAL body, and you have something they gave up long ago: When YOU make love, it's actually for love, and you're not forced to spread your legs like a hideous biology specimen to be sexually pummelled and dissected by disgusting mouth breathers.
Not all guys are into porn like that. It's true that most of them (if not all) have seen porn. It's all over the place, and many guys indulge occasionally when they're bored, out of town, or single.
However, there are a few, like your ex-guy apparantly, who are addicted to porn to the point where it interfered with true intimacy and relationships.
There IS hope for you. It's good to get your feelings about porn out in the open early into a relationship. But I hope you can overcome your feelings of inadequacy regarding porn, because compared to the real thing, porn comes up pathetically short compared to you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 June 2010):
Nope.. find a man who isn't intrested in pornography, or actually hates it.. yes they exist.
Pornography is very borring, a man may watch it when he is young, or when he is too old to actually get a woman to bed.. but a lot of men have seen it, enjoyed it, and then given it up as they find more intresting things to do.
Make it plain when you start dating again that you are totally anti-porn.. however if you find a guy that lies about pornography use when you have told him it disgusts you, it's better to end the relationship, because he will probably lie about porn use again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Not all guys like porn or watch porn. It's true that many do, but some do not. It's a personal preference. As for your body not being good enough? It's bull! There's going to be someone who loves your body as it is! Any guy who really loves you should be willing to limit or cut porn out of his life completely, especially if you explain to him why you dislike it. Sometimes he may still watch it, but perhaps he will ask permission. My boyfriend and I watch it together, it's rather sexy because we'll be watching things, and then we'll try some of it out ourselves. It can be a source of inspiration. Maybe you'd like it more if you watched it together and he gave you the sexual attention he fantasizes about. Many times, it's not the porn star the guys are attracted to, it's the act being performed.
It's also not true that all guys who don't watch porn are religious freaks and things of that nature. Some just don't find it necessary. Guys will be guys, and as humans we all have our fantasies. Some guys need to visually see it in the act, and others can envision it in their minds. Good luck though, hun.
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