A
female
age
51-59,
*ortified
writes:i had been happily married for fifteen years with three children when my husband told me out of the blue he didnt love me any more. he moved out sold the family car for a sportier one and started making friends with younger women. he has been gone for 16 months now and is in a relationship with a woman who is ugly and 13 years younger than himself with a toddler.he says he wants a divorce and this woman is his life now but he wont do anything about getting a divorce. he barely ever takes his children out and is so very very nasty to me. why? i did nothing wrong.
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female
reader, sarah 3838 +, writes (23 September 2010):
Hi, only just read your post, a few months down the line, so dont know how things stand now. Reading that, although extremely difficult your circumstances, it does sound like your husband is going through some kind of crisis, and i only say that because he hasnt made any moves to start divorce proceedings. Surely if he was serious, he would do as he says?
The fact that the woman he has hooked up with is ugly is neither here or there, ugly or not, it doesnt matter, shes obviously captivated your husbands eye, and all i can suggest with statements like that, that you keep your dignity at all times, no matter how hard it is, or how much you feel the need to label the 'other' woman. She may be a good person, who is not strong enough to pull out of the situation shes in, being as shes taken your husband off you. Some woman go out of their way to do things like this, and get kicks out of it, only to get bored half way through. Then there are some, that get caught up in these situations and end up being branded a 'home wrecker', but are actually good people. It happens all the time, to thousands of woman (and men), and if it happens, then its not meant to be unfortenatly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): He is sleeping with this woman, left home, doesn't fulfill his role as hb and father YET he won't divorce you, smarten up, take the emotions out and hurt feelings and SHOW him that you mean business. meaning he needs to make a decison, you are not his doormat, you need to carry on with your life, with or without him. be strong /forceful and show him that he is not the one in the driving seat. plse do not wait for him to come hm or back to you. there are many decent faithful men around. go find one. they exist.
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A
female
reader, mortified +, writes (3 March 2010):
mortified is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou very much to everyone that took the time to read my question and reply to me. they have all helped me so much. my husband doesnt actually live with this female he lives with his parents. i dont know wether it is because she is on benefits and cant let him move in or she just doesnt want him moving in with her. he tells so many lies all the time and keeps getting caught out. once again thankyou to you all you are all so kind
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): Depending upon the state you live in, you could have rights to more alimony due to his infidelity, although many states are now "no fault divorce".
Obviously, he's a shallow creepy guy who is focused on a younger women's body as opposed to maturing with the wife of his age. Once this one's body begins to age, I'm sure he'll do the same thing again to her. In my opinion, who would want children around a male role model as he is, anyways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): Well exactly the same thing happened to me too. I did nothing wrong and I got the usual line of 'I don't love you anymore' as well. I am 4 years down the line. 43 year old husband is now shacked up with some ugly bimbo 20 years his junior - apparently she is his soul-mate - ha ha.
The only thing you can do is hold your head up high and get on with things. I am now divorced and happy without him but it took an awful lot of time and mental anguish. The only way to win is really to ignore them totally and let them get on with things. Don't bother with them, don't even try to force him to see the kids just concentrate on looking after yourself and putting you and your children first. I can assure you it won't last with this girl so don't even let it bother you. A lot of men seem to leave the wife and go for a needy type so they can play the protector and provider as it makes them feel needed and they are probably getting loads of sex. I am a jaundiced 46 year old but really it is so typical of what seems to happen to so many ladies in our age bracket it is laughable. Don't let it get to you. A good piece of advice is get in first with the divorce, getting in first gives you the upper hand which seems to benefit you in all kinds of ways when divorcing, You will be fine as legally he will have to provide a roof over your head and maintenance for the kids so I don't think ugly with toddler will be hanging around when there isn't so much cash coming in - do you?
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A
male
reader, Markfurn  +, writes (3 March 2010):
Wow, I am truly sorry to hear about this. But I agree this is forsure a mid life crisis. My Honest opinion is move on, it is hard. But doing that to your wife is really a lack of respect. It gets to me that people think they can just simply do this and everything will be ok.
Please move on and just remember keep your head up.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Three words:
MID LIFE CRISIS!!!
You must feel devestated and you have every right to. His actions are unreasonable and beyond your control. For whatever reason he has abandoned his family, I am sure you are not to blame as a whole.
He won't initiate the divorce as he is probably hoping you will pay for it, having taken enough of his unpleasantness and abuse. You don't have to do anything apart from contact the Citizens Advice Bureau and the CSA to ensure he pays what he should for your children.
Try, if you can, to seperate the emotional from the practical. Don't let how you feel emotionally affect the practical steps you must take to get what your entitled to.
If you can focus on your financial future, it will be enough of a distraction to stop you falling apart over the upsetting and emotional side of whats happened.
When you are finacially stable again,you can then deal with the pain. If he is being akward or erratic about seeing the children and it is upsetting them, you may need to approach the court about making firm and suitable arrangements for access. Keep a diary of everytime he defaults on payments, is abusive to you or doesn't show up to see the kids. It will help you to recall accurate events if a divorce ever comes about. Contact the police if you feel really threatened.
This may indeed be a temporary thing and he may, in a few months or a year, decide he's made a mistake and wants to come back (belive me it happens a lot). If that happens then you will have to consider if you can forgive him or not and thats a whole different set of worries.
For now be extremely practical. Compartmentalize your life and make sure you have what you need in order for you and your children to become stable again. You may also be entitled to tax credits if your on a lowish income. Work out a budget and force yourself not to fall to pieces over this (hard, I know but entirely do-able).
Accept help from family and friends and find time once or twice a week to have quiet time for yourself.
Allow yourself a limited amount of time every week to dwell on all the sadness. It sounds crazy but if you set yourself a specific time to grieve, you won't feel like it is taking over your life and you can get organised and cope better. Don't use your sadness as a weapon to win him back.
Do not get drawn into any arguments with your husband, be calm in the face of adversity and let him know you are in control of the situation. If he chooses to end the nonsence and seriously shows you he wants to return to your life...then that will be the time to talk.
Women are tough and as they say 'When the going gets tough, the tough get going'
I am truly sorry for your predicament but having been through similar in my life, I know it can and will get better.
Best of luck
Aunty Em xxx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 March 2010):
No, you didn't. He had a midlife crisis. Your best bet now is to divorce him and move on as much as you can.
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A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Well give him his divorce and move on. Don't worry if he is rude to you he has nothing to do with you anymore apart from being the father to your children. As for the children have a think about what would be best for them and how you are going achieve these things get legal advice if you need to re the children and what's best for them.
As for you move on, I know it must have been tough for you but it has been 16 months don't waste any more of your life on him. Go out join new classes, look good feel great and be the best mum you can be to your kids and you will soon be happier then ever.
Good luck enjoy your new life. X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): HOLY MIDLIFE CRISIS!!! Wow, textbook. Good luck. I think he'll come to regret the decisions he's making right now, but unfortunately there is little you can do. It may be worth going through the divorce. From the sound of it, you could probably take him for all he has and more if you wanted to. Wow. Seriously, best of luck. I wish I could be more helpful, but it sounds like it's time to bury this one.
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