A
female
age
41-50,
*hweta_aqua
writes:Hi, I am going to describe my problem in two phases. Thank you for taking time to read this :Phase II have been married to my husband for 5 years. we met on the internet on a chat site. We decided that we like each other and decided to meet. meeting each other was the best time we had ever (at least I did) and we immediately fell in love and decided to marry. Our long distance love continued for 2 years (as my husband was in the US and I was in India that time), after which he decided to move to india to marry me as he said he could not live without me any more. From the time we married M (I will use his initials to refer to him) was extremely loving and caring. Well.... he was extremely insecure too. infact he did everything in extreme. I worked as a training manager and he never let me take my team out for dinner or lunch. he told me he wanted me to let him know whenever i went out and implied that i took permission for the same. he ocntinously linked me with all my make co workers and told me that i flirt with everyone. he was quite violent with me and hit me a few times. he was so insecure that he did not let me stay at my mums place when my sister came to visit them after 5 years. He said he loved me and cannot sleep without me. All through this time he pampered me and showered me with gifts. He always controlled the money ( even though i always earned more than him). he liked doing that. he never let me fall short of money but essentially controlled it . we fought always but he always was the one to apologize and patch up. He was always very loving but very possesive and abusive. Phase II After staying in India for 3 years we moved to australia. Australia was a new begining for us as M changed a bit. He was less possesive and allowed me to drink with freinds and go out with freinds a little bit after work. He was overall less insecure. when asked he told me that people in australia have a better mind, and , in india men were bylarge perverts. All went well for over 2 years until recently my world changed. M has been abusing me for last 3 months again. We stopped talking to one of our freinds ( who is single) becuase M thinks i am flirting with this guy. I told him he was like my brother and swear to god I never ever looked at him in that light. Infact I am trying to hook him up with my best freind in india and they are actually going to meet each other soon. He verbally abused me a lot and hit me once because of this. We also have this couple freind who we hang out with on every weekend. M and they are quite close and even though I thought that M and the wife ( the freind couple)flirt, i ignored it as a platonic relationship. This couple often fights and manish is the one who tries to bring them together and consols the wife prettymuch everytime. Last friday we went to their house for drinks and watched a movie together. We came back and i went straight to bed as the wine mad me sleepy. NExt day we went to another freinds house and manish was awfully nice to me .. by the evening he was quite and didnt talk at all. Infact he fell sick and was sweating, so we went back home and slept. the next morning he told me that he had gone to our best mates house on friday when i was asleep and told the wife that he has developed feelings for her. She inturn told him to go away. I was devastated. But i decided that she flirts with him as well and maybe he slipped. after 1 day of being upset and crying i was allright and ready to speak to him. I did feel little and undesireable and decided that i will quit my well paid job as she recently joined the same company and was recommended by me. I just didnt have the courage to see her. i Felt Small. after 2 days when M finally went to work as i got off the car to return the videos to the store something in the eye caught my eye. it was a yellow rubbery thing and as soon as i thought i will ignore i something struck me and pulled it from the carseat. IT was a CONDOM. I confronted M with it. Initially he denied and said one of his staff member might have used the car for it etc. etc. After half an hour he admitted that he used an escort service. he told me it was recent and she ONLY gave him a blow job. HE said that it was ONLY a BJ and not sex. He also said that it was emotionless and was just for him to see how long can he hold. M said that he had a complex with me and thought he could never satisfy me sexually as he couldnt do it for long. he said he wanted to see it with an escort to see how long can it go on.I didnt mention that M is someone who is hooked to porn. Looks at porn every off day and i know that he even has sent emails to people on dating sites. It has been a week now and I am shocked. I dont feel anything and cant even cry. I am unable to understand what has happened and how am i suppose to feel about it. Thanks to M i dnt have any close freinds. his insecurities have driven them away. I cannot talk to my parents or family as being indian they have a very different way of thinking than me.I do plan to see a psychologist or a counsellor however I want to get help from you as well.ANy advice would help ...... Please
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blow-job, cheated on me, co-worker, condom, escort, fell in love, flirt, insecure, long distance, money, porn, the internet, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Shweta_aqua +, writes (3 April 2009):
Shweta_aqua is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all..... I am joining back work on Monday and will work with the same lady my husband expressed his feelings to...aLL THE BEST TO ME.....
A
female
reader, SweetSerendipity  +, writes (1 April 2009):
Namaste, Sweta.
Congratulations on your new resolution to salvage your marriage. And I like your vows too! Now all you have to do is work hard to keep those vows! But if you have the strength and clarity to come up with a good SWOT analysis, I am sure you both will be supportive of each other in attaining your new goals. And 5 years from now, you'll be able to do your own MSC (most significant changes) from this exercise too! ;-)
Namaste
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A
female
reader, Shweta_aqua +, writes (1 April 2009):
Shweta_aqua is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All. Thanks for your responses and assitance. I did a SWOT and once i was done I gave it to M to add or edit. He added a few things. I must say it was a great excercise. There are a few ground rules that I have established going forward for both of us :1) No hitting - If there is any from his side i have made it clear that I would walk out 2) No Children - I know we have been married for 5 years but as a result of the Big Incident I have advised and M has agreed that we will not have children for a long time or until we both feel ready. And, if we are too old to have them by the time we are ready I am more than happy to adopt a needy child instead of brining another life on this ever shrinking planet. 3) Respect and trust - As the most important part of the new chapter in our lives It may be too early to say this however this incident might bring us closer and I have gained more respect than ever because I have given him a second chance instead of storming out of the house. Thank you for your advise of getting professional help however at this stage my one counseling session is enough. We haven't argued, fought. He has apologised and i haven't raised my voice on him for doing what he's done. Maybe because of the shock, but we both have been very calm. I look forward to our new innings together. BTW, M has proposed a trip to europe next year. Hopefully that should be a success. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for your support. I look forward to me being more and more positive with each day. Love Shweta
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Dear Shweta,
The fact that you hit him too changes things a lot.I have never hurt anyone physically in my life.
I am all for the counseling.I respect your decision.Every marriage is worth salvaging.Shweta my husband thinks he loves me.Materialistically I lack nothing.There is a big difference between showing that you love someone and proving that you love someone.There is a world of difference.You and M need to prove your love for each other.Its going to be difficult but not impossible.
We all make mistakes.We all deserve second chances.But one time is too many in M's case.Please remember this.
Hope things work out for you.
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A
female
reader, SweetSerendipity +, writes (30 March 2009):
Namaste, Shweta.
I can understand now why you wanted to to salvage your marriage. You are both victims as well as perpetrators of the domestic abuse. That is, if you are telling the truth in saying that 70% of the time, you hit him too. Which means, you both need to be talking to a marriage counsellor.
Since you both appear to be the abusers and the abused. Look up on the web, or ask your marriage counsellor, a support group for spousal-abuse (I don't know what the term is when both partners are abusive to each other).
I've never used SWOT on a personal and individual basis, but I guess the concept is the same. But like in an organization, you would still need to have a facilitator to do that, preferably someone outside your circles so s/he would be asking questions with a different perspective - as an outsider looking in - so to speak. This, could be your marriage counsellor, for instance
Good luck and Namaste!
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A
female
reader, Shweta_aqua +, writes (30 March 2009):
Shweta_aqua is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and Namaste Chris and Anonymous, I thank you a lot for your support.Update: We talked a lot. and I also spoke with a counselor. and this is what I have decided; I am not going to run away from the problem, I am going to face it. I am not weak and he cannot harm me so I am going to dwell on the reasons why this happened in the first place. You may say I will do a sort of SWOT analysis of our relationship. From what I decipher M has a lot of insecurities. I am the biggest of all, because he believes for me to be superior to him. If I introspect I would say that it is partly my fault as I am sometimes can be intimidating to people I know. I know one should not suffer for being good at something they do but I do feel humility is virtue not everyone can master. I do sometimes insult him and put him in a spot. Again I know that he is overly touchy, but then this is how he was when I loved him enough to marry him. As far as the abuse is concerned. That has to stop (verbal and physical). One thing I didn't add was that when he hit me, 70% of the time I hit him back. I said things to provoke him when he verbally abused me. Alright not all the time but around 50% of the time. I somehow feel that it is an ailment and I can’t leave him because he is sick. I need to support to treat it. Anonymous, I saw the movie Videsh. M is not like that at all. He is far more rational, and cultured. And above all he apologized and promised to not do it again and said that this is his last chance. To top it all I really really love him. I want to be with him. I know this is going to be very hard, but as they say, No one said its going be easy. We both need to improve. He more than me because he is the one who cheated, the one who abused. My heart goes out to you anonymous. There is nothing worse then No love from your partner. I hope you find the strength to find your calling.I have decided I am not going to treat myself as a Victim here but a part of an "Issue" that we both have. Again, him more than me. I am independent, Smart and I do not have any responsibilities at the moment ( Lucky) so I am going to take this chance, to save the sacred oath. I might be wrong. But even If I am wrong, all I loose is a few years of my young life. I can do that for a Man I spend last 6 years of my life. I must add these 6 years were tough but were always very beautiful as well because of M being very loving and caring. He needs to improve and there are no ways about it. And I promise to take my own sweet time to be normal and back on my feet. Anonymous, pls keep writing. Chris, Cheers for your help!!
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A
male
reader, xxchris354  +, writes (29 March 2009):
well maybe need to give him sex and maybe he well find a reson that hell fell in love with u in the first place
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Shweta its me Anonymous again.I felt like laughing when I read your post.For 6 years no one knows the sort of person my husband really is.He is a great dad,a good son and is very loving to my family as well.He would never cheat on me.Whether I have a physical relationship or not with him.He doesn't force me for sex. Right now you felt bad because your husband cried but a leopard rarely changes his spots.I don't know how you are saying you love this guy but No I can never love my husband again.We are sharing a farce of a marriage for the kid's sake.Shweta where is your self pride.I have my pride by making sure that he never comes close to my body ever again.To boot ,your M went and slept with another woman.There is a honeymoon phase and an abusive phase in an abuser.He treats you well and kicks you the next time.Trust me Shweta you might love this guy but he doesn't deserve it.I have been where you are.I have given excuses for him.protected him from my friends and family.These guys are monsters.A single drop of poison in a glass of Milk and honey is still poison.I hope you wake up soon. Shweta You need to be happy/More than anyone.Down the line I am definitely going to leave my husband once I become self sufficient.I am taking all steps and working very hard towards it.I am trying to find jobs abroad.Once my kid becomes bigger I am not going to live this kind of life.I am being wise and cautious by building my mental balance and hopefully a bank balance with in a few years after I find a job.My husband claims he will change many times like your husband but never does. Love never hurts Shweta.You need to understand that.He doesn't love you if he can abuse you.Watch Videsh(Preity Zinta's movie).You can do it.
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (29 March 2009):
 Namaste, Shweta
Your notes are very reflective of your being a very intelligent and compassion person.
You know your situation better than all of us who reads your post, though there are also a few women here who have been in your shoes before and would already in a good place to provide a better "prognosis" than yourself right now. Because they themselves have "been there done that".
Research have shown that abusive behaviour - when not addressed to be managed, with the help of professionally trained experts and/or support groups - could escalate over time. In other words, it could escalate verbal abuse (e.g. saying nasty unkind words to you), to emotional/psychological abuse (e.g. belittling you, emotional blackmail, threats as a means to control your activities, basically making you feel that you are always at fault, making you feel entirely dependent on him, etc etc etc), to physical abuse (hitting, slapping, choking, kicking, throwing).
Sometimes these escalation take a few months only, but in many cases the escalation is gradual over the years. So gradual, that the abused partner does not realize that the seed (of low esteem, worthlessness, dependency, planted since the abuse began) has grown and embedded deep roots within you.
It is good that your husband has cried and apologized. Some abusers do not even do this. However, you know him better than we do, and if your "antennae" is still receiving "signals" then you still need to listen and analyse those signals.
My advice for now is that you dig deeper into your research, to find more references on abusive relationship, then talk to support groups just to get an idea of how to address your problems. Your husband may need help too, from a therapist. But unless he is self motivated to change, no one can change him.
Good luck, Shweta.
Namaste
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A
female
reader, Shweta_aqua +, writes (29 March 2009):
Shweta_aqua is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thank you all for the responses..I have been off work for 1 week now and have another week of leave left as I couldnt go to work and faced the women my husband fancied. M and I had a long conversation and he agreed that he has been sellfish, abusive and mean towards me in many ways in the last 5 years.I hate to admint that i am so much in love with him still and feel that i cannot live without him. Yesterday he admited to all his mistakes cried a lot and promised he will never do it again ( especially the verbal abuse part).....honestly i couldnt see him cry and my heart wants to believe him. as i said earlier he is usually the perfect husband . infact my freinds have told me in the past that they would love to swap theirs with me......I looked at the article posted by you and although he matches a few criteria he doesnt meet a lot many. Here are some of his traits :
Positive :
- Excellent with kids and animals
- Looks after all my needs before his own
- expresses his love in many ways
- is very good to my family and they love him as well. although they think that he loses temper easily.
Negative:
- Possesive and Jealous. although i know he is working on it and has shown improvement
- Blames all to his insecurities. says he feels i am superior to him in looks, knowledge, job etc.
- Even though he has shown improvement, have little control over his mood and anger
- Wants my attention especially when around people
I know i am sounding stupid and trying to rationlise his acts, but i am doing so only because I love him and the thought of leaving him aches my heart. Also, because i know that my parents will be very ashamed.
Also after the big conversation yesterday i looked at his bags after he left for work and found another strip of condoms in his bag. He has been telling me that he has seen the escort only once and i dont believe him for that.
I am not an australian resident/citizen. infact our passports are at the embassy at the moment for a police clearance from india so i cant travel at the moment. he is not violent at all at the moment is taking all my insults so i needn't fear my safety. Once our passports are back we would apply for a permanent residency which will take several months ( 8-10) to be granted.
I am still thinking what to do, is leaving him the only option i should consider. again i dont want to bewith him for another 10 years to see him cheating me again , and abusing me again.
Cheers !!
Shweta
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (28 March 2009):
If your residency or citizenship in Australia is now secured, please do as the female anonymous below suggested. Leave him. You are already an independent woman in terms of your profession. You have a good job, and good income. If he does not respect you, then he does not deserve your respect either.
As for the internet, though there is that additional level of "fake" men that hide behind their oh-so-wonderful-personality in their emails and chats, unfortunately these "fake" men can be found in real life too.
Depending on who owns the house now, you can either kick him out (and change the locks!) or you yourself move out. When you move out, however, do your planning first so that you can take all the important stuff with you so you do not need to get back to the house for it later. You can do this in stages and very discreetly.
Also, have a look at these pages
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/05/in-abusive-relationships-abusers.html
Good luck, respect and empower yourself!
Cat
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Dear Shweta, It almost seemed like I was reading my own story except that my husband didn't cheat.The plug on my friends hasn't been pulled yet.I expect the ax to fall any minute.Yes I am Indian too.He watches porn,He has smeared the walls with my blood recently.He kicked me in the VJ,legs,I had a black eye,split lip.Yes for obvious reasons that you will understand I can't get a divorce either.I have a kid who I have protected so far by making sure that all this happened with in a room.Before the kid we try to act like a normal couple.He pushed me to the point that I had to give up my job.Now am financially dependent on him.Even otherwise you know the stigmata of being an Indian divorced female.Most of the Indian Men are perverted and think a divorcee is easy since she is sex starved.I haven't had sex ever since the blood smearing incident.I just can't bring myself to.He doesn't bother me.He has his porn and masturbation-right. So I understand what you are going through more than anyone else in fact.Big hugs to you as I know how you are feeling. Now for the base facts you are living in Australia.Not in India.That would make me feel really empowered.You still don't have a kid.DUMP HIM.call the police.He doesn't deserve you.Have a single life for sometime.Yes I agree we need a counselor.I am scared to go to one but in Australia I am sure you can do it.Please Please stand up for yourself.I know I can't.Its a long story.But you can do it.Next time never find anyone on the internet.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): I saved this from a "Dear Abby" column, knowing that the issue would show up here eventually. I think you'll find it relevant:
"Every year or so, I print the warning signs of an abuser. Please review them carefully. If any of the signs ... apply to you, you should end the relationship immediately. Read on:
1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.
7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person made him (or her) do it.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."
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