A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm not sure what to do here. I've never done this before but I have to talk to someone.... my husband and I have been Together a year. when we were dating things were great but now that we are married not so much. he gets angry alot., like oh he dropped his food on the ground I was nowhere near him but somehow it's my fault he can't find something I didn't touch it's my fault. I work full time and when I get home no matter how late I have to make dinner clean the house bring his food to him do everything. and yes I know that part of being a wife is talking care of your husband but it would be nice for a little appreciation. a little help instead of babe your in my way or babe get me this. he even Wakes me up in the middle of the night to get him a drink of water. there is nothing wrong with him he is not hurt or disabled but I'm his maid and his get mad at person and everything. he. has gotten mad and hit me before a few times. not a. lot. but then he tells me it's my fault and I should not have made him mad. that I know better then that. I can't joke around or. anything he takes offense like I'm being mean when if I'm not and even if I apologize if it sounded mean. I can't win no matter what I do he's always mad.. please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2015): Hey OP,
I am the anon that posted the phone number for you.
Are you ok?
I hope you are and that you can get out.
You do not deserve this treatment, and it is not your fault.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015): Simple answer he does not respect you, he does not love you. Most important u seem to have let this man treat you the way he wanted and it looks like it is getting more worse. U need to draw a line on how u want to be treated. If he does not respect your feelings than he is not worth it. Respect yourself , love yourself in and out meaning stay healthy and look after your appearance and do not allow anyone I repeat anyone treat you without respect. It does not matter who it is. Remember even it you go separate ways you can still be happy if you allow yourself to be
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at www.thehotline.org
1-800-799-7233. Call right now.
They will help you identify the red flags of abuse, and help you with any exit strategy you want to implement. Please reach out they can and want to help you!
Please use birth control and do not have a child with this man. You are in danger now and his behaviour is NOT your fault.
Please call before he puts you in the hospital. We all care about you.
Roni
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Yeah well when my dad who is 80 found out my husband hurt me he said "I can still take a baseball bat to his knees"
tell someone he hurts you that you know loves you. then make a plan to leave...
because if you don't what happens next is even worse:
you will stay
you will get pregnant
he will be nice while you are pregnant
the baby gets born let's say it's a boy
he's overjoyed.
then he gets mad and he beats you
eventually he will beat you in front of your son and your son will learn that this is how we treat women.
then he will KILL YOU
and your children will be MOTHERLESS
I've see this happen
there are many women's shelters that will help you as will the police. have the man who hits you arrested.
wouldn't you report a stranger that attacked you
why should a man who supposedly loves you get away with abuse?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 March 2015):
 So frigging what even IF you were actually a big mouth and a bitch ??? Would you deserve being spit on, beaten to a pulp, wounded, even killed ?! What is it, there's a death penalty for the crime of bitchiness ?... Not that I have ever heard of. What I've heard is that nobody, nobody at all, has the right to do you physical harm- unless in self defense. So, unless you were lounging at him yielding a knife - he has and had no right to touch you, no matter what you say.
I think he scared you so much that he sort of paralyzed your brain into thinking that his behaviour is normal and expectable. It's not. I bet that yourself can count bitches among friends relatives neighbours the world at large, and THEY don't go around black and blue nor live in terror.
I wish you could see how futile and irrelevant is your point. Even supposing that you ARE the bitchiest bitch of them all, supposing that it IS all your fault :.. and then ?
You'd still would be an ALIVE bitch, and hopefully such you aspire to stay ?...
Wake up, OP, and do not waste time in thinking whose
" fault " it is- or, one of these days, you could wake up as a paraplegic bitch. Or a dead bitch.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Do you not see what is happening? It is getting worse and worse...He is laughing as you beg him not to hit you? What kind of a man does that?? A man who has to be in control, a man who doesn't care. Ok..so you are mouth and can be a bitch..(um..can't we all be at times??) That does NOT give him the right to call you names and hit you! I've been where you are...I'm telling you straight out it isn't going to get better. Of course he doesn't want counseling..because he doesn't think anything is wrong with him. Its YOUR fault in his eyes..everything that goes wrong..it will be your fault.
And as another poster said..God help you if you have a baby and bring it into the relationship. My husband would get so angry he would scream at our 6 month old baby..I couldn't even leave the baby with him when I worked even though he was home because I was afraid of what he would do. That's when I knew I had to get out.
We can only advise you, we can't make you do anything. I'll be honest..I think you should be more afraid of him seriously injuring or killing you than to be afraid to leave him. And oh yes...it can happen...it happens every day. Men like your husband lose it and kill women. Please don't become one of those statistics!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2015):
 Honey, counseling won't "fix" your husband. Nothing will.
I STRONGLY suggest you look up woman's shelters in your location and TALK to one of their counselors - they can help you with the process of leaving him. Do it at work where he can't check up on you.
Also I'd suggest you get a safety box for your important papers/jewelry/money.
Spitting at you is just a new low for him, he WILL go lower. The fact that he LAUGHED at you when you begged to not get hit? The BASTARD is enjoying your fear.
But UNLESS you seek out HELP for YOU, he will escalate. And you CAN end up in the hospital or...dead.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I should leave but I have a hard time with it. and if he's here or catches me I don't know what I would do. I think my breaking point was last night when we got into a fight and he spit on me and then told me I was fat and worthless. he also kept comingtoward me threatening to punch me but laughed when iI begged him not to.
but then This morning when he left for work and begged me not to leave I dont know what todo. I don't want him in jail he tells me he's not wasting money on counseling. I don't know how many times I have to be told I'm a bad wife and I'm lazy. but I still can't help but feel some of it is my fault. ib know myself I'm mouthy and kinda a bitch
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): You're not his "maid", you're his slave.
What on earth is making you stay with this person? The hope that he will go back to the way that he was before? What would it take from us for you to believe that he won't ever, ever go back to permanently being that loving and sweet way?
I saw a documentary years ago about the psychology of pimps and how they make the prostitutes who work for them very submissive and obedient. The key, the thing that it all rests on, is initially making the women in question feel like she is the most amazing woman in the world. The shower her with attention and behave like the perfect lover and she feels so adored she will do anything for them. Then, overnight, complete and utter change of character on his part. She is confused, then devastated and then she will do anything, absolutely anything he says, to win back what she thought was his "love". The way that the pimps know they are on to a 'sure bet' with each woman is if she falls for his charm and flattery and attention BEFORE he changes his attitude to her. If she goes along with it and responds lovingly, he knows he has found a weak target, because there is a failure, on her part, to really ask legitimate and reasonable questions, or to have any healthy boundaries. She just gets swept up in his charm and it's at this stage he knows he 'has' her and can control her further down the line.
This is very, very similar to what has happened to you and your husband. Even if he didn't consciously set out to do this, it's ingrained in him to behave that way. He may as well be your pimp, because he is treating you like a prostitute and slave - forcing you to do hours of work which all revolves around his comfort and making sure he gets free sex added in.
The film Lovelace is another example of a man being absolutely adoring to a vulnerable woman prior to marriage and then becoming abusive the minute they are married. In this case, it again involved him effectively pimping her out.
In your case, you may not have thought about your sex life as part of the manipulation he is carrying out. But the sex you provide for him is also his way of controlling you - a form of 'intimacy' that makes you feel bonded to him. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if, further down the line, he starts accusing you of being unfaithful and/or starts criticising you for the sex you provide him with and/or starts encouraging you to have sex with other people, so that he can do so himself without guilt and/or just starts having sex with other women and telling you he's entitled.
Get away from this person immediately. Think of this as a case of someone falsely advertising who and what they were, to trap you and confuse you into accepting abusive behaviour. Divorce him, get therapy to see why you fell for his manipulation in the first place and start over again. You are still very young, and time is on your side. Don't leave it any longer, you certainly don't want to bring children into a crazy situation like this.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (6 March 2015):
Oh sweetie...I have been where you are. Please read very carefully what the aunts on here are saying and start taking measures to protect yourself and get out. I was married to a both mentally and physically abusive man for 2 years. I was only 19-21 at the time. Too ashamed to tell my parents. I always thought he would change if I just loved him enough. He didn't. He never hit me till after we were married. At first it started as a little slap here, a little punch here..but it kept escalating. He slapped me right across the face in front of our friend (yes the friend wanted to punch him and I had to beg him not to!) and laughed..saying I deserved it. It got worse and worse and I never knew when it was coming. 3 days after I had our baby (the reason we got married) he slapped me so hard on my bottom that it brought me to my knees. The doctor had warned him that I had really been stitched up inside, but my husband didn't care. He had a horrific temper and I became his punching bag.
I left him after he broke my arm. I had family to go to and I broke down and told them what happened. I've been there sweetie...I know you are frightened. I totally understand.
You need to realize though that if you don't get out, things will NOT get better. As SVC said..it will continue to get worse and worse..a hit, a slap, a punch, bruises, possible broken ribs, arm, or leg and then one day...he'll totally snap..and you might never wake up again. These type of men have serious issues and need to be in control. They are messed up and the only way they feel good about themselves is by making someone else feel weak and helpless.
Get out...Start planning your escape. Do NOT let him know of your plans. Talk to someone that can help you..friends, family, someone in your church..call an agency..there are places that will help you, come and get you and give you a safe place to stay. Do things quietly and on the down low, put money aside, pack some things, and plan..do not confront him. And do NOT go back to him once you leave.
If you need to talk, don't be afraid to private message any of us. Please get out...while you can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): You two are still a young couple so it may take another year, two at most, for your husband to start beating you at least once a week. The reason that you will be beaten is that he is right now conditioning you to believe that whatever he says is your fault so once you are conditioned the beatings he will inflict on you in the future will be perfectly logical. Since he does not have temper tantrums (a treatable condition) then his attacks on you are premeditated and since pretext is fictitious then it means that you maybe dealing with a psychopath. You may discount what I am saying but you should at least plan for an alternative, secret place to live and have that place available at any time once your life becomes in danger. You should also have alternative source of savings, a car and income so that you may have the means to flee. A most desireable thing is for you to do that ASAP and simply move away to an undisclosed location, file for divorce and let him get a drink of water at night all on his own thereafter.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 March 2015):
I'm with the ladies.
There is no fixing this. He HID his abusive side JUST long enough to get you to marry him, and now the cat is out of the bag. It will escalate.
IT IS NEVER OK for a person to hit his/her spouse. NEVER. There just ISN'T ANY good reason for it.
IT IS NOT the wife's JOB to WORK full time out of the home + full time AT HOME. Whomever, told you that is full of CRAP. YOU share the home, you share the bills and you should SHARE the chores.
He knows that the anger scares you, it make you "obey" - so he keeps you on your toes. Waking you up to get him a glass of water? That is control. Telling you that he CAN do whatever he likes and YOU just have to jump.
I'm sorry honey, the SOONER you GET out of there and leave this guy the better. But unfortunately this is also where/when the violence can escalate.
You NEED to get your ducks in a row. HAVE all your personal papers, some money, some clothes packed and ready. You need to find a shelter (or family). When you are at work look up some abuse hotlines and CALL them. The can give you a step by step plan on how to leave, and where to go.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2015):
I'm with Cindy. There may have been hope until we go to " he. has gotten mad and hit me before a few times."
OP that's a few times TOO MANY.
There is never an excuse for abuse and it is NEVER your fault.
He is abusive this early on... he's already hitting you.
Next comes punching.
then he will kill you. LISTEN CAREFULLY...
this will escalate... and if you do not leave eventually HE WILL KILL YOU. He's already killing your self-esteem and your self-worth.
You are already afraid of him other wise you would tell him to get his own damn water.
I speak from experience. Abuse ALWAYS escalates.
WHAT do I need to do to help you be strong enough to leave him?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2015):
Look, IMO,... there's no fixing this. You should not even try , it's not worth your time.
When I started reading your post, as bad it sounds, because he DOES treat you as if you were his maid ( worse actually ! people who have maids treat them very nice and respecftully if they want the maids to stay ) , I was going to go on abour different social/ cultural expectations, and the way he was raised in his family, and how it is hard but with communication, patience - or anger management classes if needs be, these patterns can be changed blah blah blah .
But, I stopped dead in my tracks when I got to " he hit me already ". Not a lot ? Why, a bit of hitting wasn't enough for your tastes,... do you want more ...? What are you waiting for, that he gets more aggressive and overbearing and DANGEROUS ?...
Hitting is a deal breaker . And not just ONCE ( which , to me personally, it's more than enough for severing ties, but let's say, for the sake of argument, that everybody of us can freak out ONCE ) but " a few times ". Then, he blames it on you because you should have known better than making him mad !
That's typical, textbook abusive pattern. He is a dyed-in-the-wool physical abuser. With this people, there's nothing better than a spouse can do than LEAVE them. Turn your back on him, and not " some day ", but, like, yesterday ?? Well, yesterday is gone, ..but- do not wait any longer . Get out of this NOW, before it gets any worse ( it will, inevitably, and pretty soon ).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): You have married a bully. You need to work out how unhappy you are going to meed to be before you leave him. He will never change. This is him newly married. It doesn't get better tgan this.
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