A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,My husband and I have been married for a little bit over two years. A year ago, he was diagnosed with a chronic disease. He is supposed to put it into remission a while ago. The problem is he doesn't take care of himself. It's true that he works very hard, and he has a long day at work a lot of times. However, he won't make effort to reschedule with a doctor. He refuses to control his diet. He has gained a lot of weight, and I no longer want to get intimate with him. Not that I don't love him or don't want to cuddle. Just no sex. I have tried to talk him into going to the gym with me. I have asked him to join me for a walk. I make him a lunchbox, and I cook him dinner. A lot of times, he won't even eat what I cook for dinner and cook himself some unhealthy food. At first, I thought my cooking wasn't good enough, but people who have tried my cooking don't complain at all.He asked me one time if he has gained weight, and I was honest with him. It's so hard for me to see him let go of himself. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk about things that he already knows but not doing anything about it and just gets depressed and hates himself.I'm pretty tired. It is to the point where I have gotten distracted by another man outside marriage. I'm not planning to do anything about those feelings since they reflect marriage problems I'm having. I have thought of leaving my husband, but it is not want I want to do. He is a good man, and it's hard for me to see him being this way.Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): it's a tough onepersonally I understand what you are going through. My ex had depression problems as well, the medication he took made him sleep and very weak, I can imagine with his case his body feels like a ton of bricks weighting on him. The weight gain and lack of activity could be a sign that he is depressed, he should seek counselling, with you, like me you can't connect having sex at the state he is in, not that he is appalling but that your mind frame cannot get engaged with all the stress. non the less calling him names is not "positive " way to go about it. Support him don't lose heart, once he recovers, physically and mentally, you can open the conversation about him getting in good health. and as for you my lady. masturbation is key if u need to feel satisfied.
A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I just noticed your post about him having addiction problems too, I understand why you are frustrated with him. You said you helped him at his lowest point of depression and through his addiction, is him becoming over weight harder you for to deal with than all of that?
If you really feel exhausted by the way he is you need to think about his good points and bad and then weigh it all up.
But honestly the only way he's going to lose the weight and get organised and pro active is if he gets in a good frame of mind. The depression is the route of all of this I think.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (7 March 2015):
Normally I'd say we all have a duty to keep ourselves in shape for our other halves, but in this case his chronic illness you mention needs a bit of consideration. I had a nice figure a year or two ago and worked hard for it but then something bad happened to me, I took really strong medication and I piled on the weight. In the last two weeks I've walked for 45 miles between doing nightshifts and I have lost a lb in weight. I'm getting older my metabolism is slowing down and it's really very hard to lose it this time. In the past I found it so easy to get back in shape but after taking that medication it's not so easy this time round. I'm in a good place at the moment and motivated to exercise, your husband sounds depressed and you telling him he's getting fat or letting himself go is not going to help. Try to be nice and supportive. You may end up ill one day and struggle with how you look, if you came on here and told people your husband was going on because of your weight everybody would call him a beep beep lol.The key to losing weight is being focused and in a good frame of mind, my ex boyfriend called me fat during an argument after I put weight on and the weeks after that all I did was stuff my face. Now he's gone I'm happier and I'm losing weight, slowly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Ok,I might be too young and naive, BUT I do believe in "till death do us part" bit...And I DO believe in UNCONDITIONAL love (though CindyCares has made some very interesting and thoughtful points on that).Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot? How about if you were pregnant and did not loose the pregnancy weight? Stretch marks? Sagging skin/boobs? Wrinkles? What then?I'm just wondering-what would be the advice to a woman here if a man criticised her for her body? Especially (as you seem to think) if it was caused by an illness?I believe in the union of SOULS, not bodies. Our bodies and everything in them change drastically with time. He may never be the guy you once met (physically speaking).Furthermore, he may not have the drive, stamina and time to counteract any ill effects. And you do need the combination of all of those to make it work.You have invited him only to things that YOU like and that YOU do on a regular basis anyway (coz you like them, YOU want to keep in shape,whatever).How about- find out what HE likes doing (e.g. swimming, sport he did in the past and enjoyed?) and offering to do it with him even if YOU do not like doing it?At least till he gets moving a bit. But yeah, you can't make somebody do things that they themselves don't see as essential.So you'll need to have an honest conversation with him NOT just giving him strong, passive-aggressive hints of "Wanna come run?" "Oh,no,you didn't come..." Guilt trips and strong hints ain't gonna work. They will just irritate.So talk.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 Why do you blame his dietary habits for his disease ? His habits did not " lead " to IBD. IBD's causes are still totally unknown, although a genetic component is suspected. Previously, it was thought that it could be the result of bad diet and stress, but this has been disproven by clinical research . Bad diet and stress may worsen the symptoms, as they may worsen the symptoms of ANY illness, obviously . This, said not by the first schmuck who passes by as myself, but , for instance , by Mayo Clinic ,just to name ONE super reputable source.
Besides, if he is gaining weight either his case is really mild, or maybe it's just because he is currently in remission
( yes, IBD is a chronical disease ,which has remission phases when symptoms stay latent only to flare up later ). One of the main symptoms of IDB is involuntary weight LOSS, due to malabsorption.
Just saying. In case you blame his lack of self discipline for CAUSING the disease .
Honestly , I don't have an answer for you, other than assuring I realize this must be a sensitive, tryng and frustrating situation for both you and your husband.
So, no judgements, but- just some food for thought :
- You marry a guy with an addictive personality and chronical or recurrent issues with addiction and depression. And THEN you are surprised / irritated that he can't / won't stick to a healthy diet ??...
I don't think there's any quick trick to fix his weight or fix his diet or fix his disease - if somehow his addictiveness ( which now take the shape of a food addiction ) and depressive moods can be addressed, and fixed first.
- It's strange, we all talk so much about unconditional love, but I wonder how really " unconditional " the unconditional can be - when our body apparently has a mind of its own and just wants what it wants when it wants it . Apparently, bodies PUT conditions ?...
You have been loyal and caring ( and ,I suppose, sexually active with him ) during his times of depression, addiction, bad times and bad moods, when he was most "difficult"- and, probably, demanding and annoying, and other women in your place would have bolted. But, he was slimmer. Now he is fat, or maybe just chubby, - and your body can't bring itself to physically love him. You may still love him.... but you don't want to be intimate with him. And you are not doing so to be spiteful - you just can't.
Again , no criticisms to you personally. I am just wondering : what does this mean , ultimately ?... That , eventually, no matter how spiritual, warm -hearted, emotionally mature we can be, or think we are -... the physical, instinctual,animal side of things it's always going to win, and we can't really love what our senses do not love ?..... Or, that if we can't love completely a person, heart and BODY, beside and beyond the physical changes this person may go through ( weight gain/ loss, ageing, sagging, hair loss, scars..... ) , then it was not even love to begin with, just infatuation ?.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): How can a chronic desease go into remission? Chronic means recurring and remission means withdrawing so how could a recurring desease withdraw? Perhaps you could describe so we could assess how affected your man is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): @YouWishI am the OP. You have misunderstood one thing. It makes me very mad when you said that I " the coward and bolt from the marriage." I have never cheated and nor I will pursue the other guy. All I'm saying is I am aware of my feelings, but I am not acting on them. I am not even planing on it. The other guy is also someone within family, and I will never tell anyone about it. The disease that he has been diagnosed with is inflammation bowel disease. He is supposed to be on the immunosuppressants as well as a steroid medication until he can cut the steroid out. I understand the side effects. However, he has been out of his immunosuppressants, and he has not tried to get back on them. Not that we have not looked into alternatives, but he has not been proactive on his end. I can't make decisions for him on his treatments, and he gets mad if I talk to his doctor without him knowing. He doesn't do anything on counteracting on the side effects. He doesn't discipline himself with his diet either. He has not change any of the habits that lead to his disease. Good for you that you can discipline yourself. He can't do it like you. I have been with my husband for 5 years total. His habits have been a little bit better. That did not bother me as much until he's diagnosed with this disease. Since I have been with him, his weight fluctuates. Now it keeps going up. And my question is, what am I supposed to do to "be the outreached hand that pulls him out of his mess and encourages him and loves him in this darkness he's in"? That's the sole purpose of this post. I have asked him to join me when I exercise, either at home or at the gym. He has declined many many times. I have asked him to come take a walk with me with our dog, and the response is the same. He may eat dinner I cook, but he will stuff himself with other things that make him feel sick later before he goes to bed. Mind you, he purchases those things himself. I want to be his wife, not his mother. You can judge me about how flaky I am. My husband is not an easy person. He has addiction problems, depression, and now IBD. I have been with him through the time that he was at his lowest point of depression and addiction. I didn't walk out on him during those times; we weren't even married then.For other replies, thank you for your input. I will try things that I haven't tried.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 March 2015):
 He was diagnosed with a chronic disease that he was supposed to "put in remission"?? That's not like putting the car into the garage. No one is assured of remission, no matter how faithful his adherence to treatment.
There *are* chronic diseases that cause weight gain no matter what the issue. Some medications cause weight gain and body changes.
I also am a chronic disease sufferer (ESRD), and the immunosuppressants have weight gain and other physical issues as side effects, which is why I spend so much time at the gym nearly obsessed with counteracting it.
Someone who gets hit with a chronic illness faces things you will never ever know about. It's not a matter of "oh, you can live with it". Thoughts about whether or not you WANT to go on get into your head. In my case, I find reasons to live when thoughts like that hit me, and they usually circle around the fact that I'm "artificially alive". Every muscle weakness or bone strain challenges my resolve, and I decide every day to discipline my thoughts to what is good about living, and those I love, and things I love about my life. Stuff even as stupid as wanting to watch the new Star Wars, or meaningful things as sitting at my son's graduation.
YOU need to discipline your thoughts as well. Get your mind off of this other guy. Two years into marriage? That is flaky, and it is NOT because of your husband's weight gain. It's because life isn't always easy, and sickness makes things harder, and you're blaming him and bolting for the back door in your thoughts.
I think you need to tell your husband what you are struggling with, including your attraction towards this other guy. NAME the other guy. You want your husband to face his illness and take care of himself? You can't expect him to stand up for life while you play the coward and bolt from the marriage. Otherwise, he could turn it around, and you'll still cheat. Cheating and disloyalty are on no one but you.
Your husband needs a reason to live. A purpose. Is he in a support group for his illness?? His doctor should have given or made available material to him regarding it.
Two years isn't long to gain weight. Something is medically wrong to change habits this drastically. You think YOU'RE tired? Your husband's 10x as tired.
Before you talk to him about his unhealthy habits, which are a symptom of the real issue (his illness and subsequent depression and trauma over his body changes), you need to fix yourself. You playing around with this other guy doesn't inspire anyone or anything, and he could turn it around and run milestones, and you'll still bolt out because life with someone suffering a chronic illness isn't easy.
I think your husband could gain new purpose, get with medical help, get his remission, lose all of that weight, become strong mentally and physically, and you would still leave him. Maybe not for this guy, but another one, or another reason. If you think your husband is the only one who has to get healthy, think again. You are not in a healthy place right now.
You AND your husband need to walk towards health together. He knows he needs to lose weight. You need to be the outreached hand that pulls him out of his funk and encourages him and loves him in this darkness he's in. That way, your strong words of "You need to change or lose us" are from love, not your desire to escape.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 I always go for the brutally honest approach. You can't tip toe around this, it is a serious problem in your marriage, and ignoring it will only make matters worse.
If he doesn't know he's gained weight, then you need to tell him. It's one thing to criticize your partner, that's not okay. But this is about trying to save your marriage. If he keeps this up, it will end in divorce, you've already thought about it!
Take this as seriously as you would any other crucial problem threatening to destroy your marriage. Talk to him about it and don't sugar coat it. But remember that he is your PARTNER, your ally. Talk to him in this manner, and it will make all the difference. That means no accusations, it's not him that is deliberately trying to destroy the marriage... This is a problem that needs your combined forces to fix.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): Yeah he sounds depressed. I say don't pressure him but try to get him to do fun activities with you. Like put on some music and say you're doing a bit of dancing and exercise and slowly he'll see u enjoying yourself and give him a nudge when u are on your feet. Who knows? Maybe its a step.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Unless his eating and working out has changed since you met him, then it's his illness that's the issue. IF that's the case, then I'm sorry but "in sickness and in health till death do us part" applies here.
IF the weight gain is due to his changing his diet and exercise routine for the worse you have a few options. You could shake up his world and tell him "honey I need to take a lover since I am not getting what I need in our marriage anymore and I love you and want to stay married to you but I have needs you can't fill for me." and see what happens. Let him know that one of the things that attracted you to him was his willingness to make an effort to take care of himself and now that he's changed it's hard for you to feel the same way about him.
His weight gain is a compliment to you and your relationship. Men who are happy in relationships gain weight.
I feel your pain, my husband over the last 4 years has gained about 10 pounds for each year. I can't say anything since I've gained too. We have no sex life... not that we don't love each other but we don't "fit" any more and he doesn't feel sexy.
But I am older and we are struggling with health issues for him NOT a change in diet and exercise (although that's my reason for gaining but my husband PREFERS me a bit fluffy)
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